First love, hasn't gone so well

[TheWalrusNet]

if you wanna Tl;Dr go ahead and leave now.

I met a girl and got to really liking her, her name is Amy, I've not been very active when it comes to girlfriends, not because I wasn't interested but because after my first girlfriend I didn't see the point of being with someone unless you really feel something special about them. Well I felt like that with Amy and worked up the courage to ask her out, she accepted, and I was absolutely over the moon. We were together for about a month, and even in that short space of time I feel that I love her, I couldn't find any flaws in her, it feels like she's perfect for me, we had almost everything in common and could just talk for hours upon hours about absolutely everything under the sun, even if it didn't make sense. I remember one time we actually just talked for almost an entire day non-stop. She broke up with me because she felt she saw me as more of a friend, that I meant so much to her but she didn't love me in that way, obviously I was absolutely devastated just by that, but we did have an Amazing freindship, and I didn't want that to be affected so I sucked it up and still tried to be around her all the time and talk to her just as we would before, even though it still hurt.

A few days later she told me she was To-Be Female to Male transgender, another reason why she broke up with me. She's going to change her name, have all the operations, she won't be herself. i've seen people come out of those, they look and sound completely different, and she's leaving when she's 16, it feels like someone's killing the person I love, sure she'll be the same person on the inside, but it'll be like she's just another person who happens to have the same personality, and she'll then be gone. Of course I fully supported her with it, I hid those feelings away and tried to make her feel better about it.

She has a lot of problems in her life, she has absolutely horrible parents, she's coping with a severe depression and a mental disorder, and two days after that I had to convince her out of suicide, I only just convinced her not to, I stayed up until two in the morning to make sure she was okay, and I was shaking afterwards and didn't sleep much.

Most of this happened in the space of a week. it's been a horrible week, it's gone from the best i've felt in a very long time to the worst i've felt in a very long time, and I don't know what to do with myself. Has anyone else had any similar experiences? I know there are 'plenty more fish in the sea' and 'this is your first love, there will be many more' But I feel absolutely horrible right now, and none of those two comforts are comforting in any way.
And there is one thing I don't understand. She writes poems, she wants to be a writer. But Here are some of the lines from one of her most recent poems (she wrote it yesterday)
"I wish for 'the one'
Who will always love just me
Who will help me become
All I ever wanted to be"
I don't understand this. I'm right here, I've always supported her through everything, even if it hurts me to do so, and tried to help her to be who she wants to be in absolutely any way I can, no matter what the cost. I can't say i'll always love her but right now I do, if that's what she wants, why did she give it up?

[Cerby]

Hey Walrus,

This is a very sticky situation. It isn't very often your first love dumps you because they've decided to have a sex change, and finding advice anywhere will be difficult. I know when you're feeling broken hearted that really no comfort actually works, but somewhere in there you know that almost everyone has been there before. Everyone on this forum has been there at some point (except maybe Kingz because he has no heart).

In this case, this is far beyond her just not wanting to be with you, she is embarking on a personal journey and will return a completely different person. The person you loved may still be on the inside, but like you said, you won't be able to see that person anymore. No one is "killing her", she has decided to do this herself, and all the power to her for getting what she wants out of life. Like the rest of us who have been broken hearted, take up a hobby to distract your mind, keep yourself busy, do anything but sit around your house watching your phone.

There is little more you can do than take the time to heal and get over it. Oh, and if it turns out this is just some BS excuse to get out of the relationship, then she isn't worth it anyways.

[Boisdevie]

It isn't very often your first love dumps you because they've decided to have a sex change

Happens to me ALL the time.

[TheWalrusNet]

Thanks for the response, you're actually very understanding, your response was far better than the 'plenty more fish in the sea' i've heard countless times.

You're right, nobody is actually killing her, this is her choice and i've fully supported her with it. it's not a BS excuse because she's already about to go through the first stage of it, in the next few months I have to start calling her by a different name, and treat her as if she is male (the 1 year trial you have to go through to make sure you aren't making a huge mistake) I still want to do all I can to make sure she gets the best out of life, and as much as it kills me to do so i'm actually helping her go through with it. As you said to do i'm doing all I can to take my mind off of it, and I know full well it's all I can do. But it was nice to get a thought-out reply to this and some good advice, so thank you very much Cerby.

[toknow]

I don't know exactly what she feels, so it's hard to comment when you don't fully understand the situation. That said, people very often have the wrong view of how they see themselves as beautiful. Or see someone of the opposite sex as incredibly attractive and instead of trying to be with that person, they try to become that person. You can see that with females who have had plastic surgery where they have exaggerated cheek bones more prominent in men - and they start looking like men, but it looks horrible. The facial structure of a woman isn't the same as man's. Anorexic people also literally see themselves as fat. The problem with changing yourself so drastically is that you might be going through a phase. People go through phases of what they like and what they don't like. And if this is a phase she is making a huge mistake. There is a reason she is who she is now. I wouldn't encourage her to do this, it could be a huge mistake. You said she was depressed - meaning confused about life. In that fragile state you are not to make such enormous decisions - you have to make them on a sound mind. She has to know and realize what she is doing and why she is doing it. Does she know that? You have to communicate with her, find out as much as possible of the reason, because as I said it could be just a very costly phase she is going through. Making such huge decisions should be done over a long time. Ask her many times is she sure about this? If she answers all of the time with a definite yes, then maybe that's the case, but if there is a slight hesitation in any one of her answers, then she isn't ready to make this decision.

[TheWalrusNet]

Thanks toknow, you're right, I didn't think about that before. I will speak to her and make sure she is making the right decision. Do you think it's a bad idea to bring a personal reason in to it? I mean because I have absolutely no idea how i'm going to bring myself to call her by a different name, or how i'm going to feel when she's a different person entirely. Would it be a bad idea to tell her that, should I keep that to myself? Because I feel really selfish saying it.

[toknow]

For now, don't tell her that, as she might see it as selfish and respond by resisting. If all else fails, tell her, how much she means to you now, and that it would be like being with another person to you. And that you can not see yourself with another person (in this case the new her would fit that description as well). Tell her also that to you this would be like she is commuting suicide and it kills you that you are helpless to do anything to prevent it.

[Cerby]

For now, don't tell her that, as she might see it as selfish and respond by resisting. If all else fails, tell her, how much she means to you now, and that it would be like being with another person to you. And that you can not see yourself with another person (in this case the new her would fit that description as well). Tell her also that to you this would be like she is commuting suicide and it kills you that you are helpless to do anything to prevent it.

I disagree with this, I don't think you should start applying pressure on her by telling her you feel like she is commiting suicide. I think you should say goodbye to her, because in many ways, the person you know is leaving forever.

And I know this sounds rough, but I wouldn't be there for her -> him through this, you're just going to hurt through it all. Have a nice goodbye dinner or something and let it go at that.

[TheWalrusNet]

I spoke to her, and left out anything about my views on it. I just made sure she was making the right decision, and by the sounds of it she has, and has had, her mind set on it for a long time. and if she is unsure in any way she isn't showing it, there wasn't a hint of doubt or hesitation.

I agree with you cerby, it will hurt me thoughout, but I can't do that. It goes against my nature not to support someone through something as huge as this, to which she will probably be ridiculed for too. and I still regard her as one of my best friends, saying goodbye will be just as hard.

[toknow]

Keep speaking to her. Keep asking her that question.

Here is a letter from someone who had a sex change. Did a google search and found this on [url]www.sexchangeregret.com:[/url]


Every Time I Look at My Son...

April 11, 2009

Dear Walt,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts on SRS.

I underwent surgery about 10 years ago. Like you, I was convinced it was the right thing to do - regrettably, it was not.

The price I paid was dear; I hurt the ones I loved the most - my children, my siblings, my parents, and my partner.

By all appearances I am a 'success' story. I have a good job as a high school teacher, I live stealth, have had a fairly active love life etc., but none of this can ever make up for the pain and guilt I feel every day of my life.

As accepting as my son has been, every time I look at him I see the hurt in his eyes. I can feel his sense of loss over his father, and it tears at my very soul.

Believe it it or not, I have even gone to a therapist and a several surgeons - with little success. I just get told it's a normal part of the 'adjustment phase' (an awfully long phase!!!). They say, "You make a nice woman - be happy!" But I'm not happy!

I am wondering if you know of any surgeon that will remove my breast implants. I really would like to start living as a man again.

Thanks in advance for your help.

Kindest Regards,
(name withheld)

[toknow]

Show her these:

Regret Is Real—and Frequent
"By all appearances I am a 'success story.' I have a good job as a high school teacher, I have had a fairly active love life, etc., but none of this can ever make up for the pain and guilt I feel every day of my life."

From a physician:
"If I could only go back to the day before my surgery in March of 2005 -- I would run from that surgeon’s knife. I have lived and worked as a surgically altered man trying to play the part of a woman for six years. I spared no expense at trying to make it work."

"Although I thought I was completely sure of what I was doing, I began to regret the decision a mere three weeks after the operation. Some might say I was experiencing post-op depression, but it was definitely more than that. "

[toknow]

Here is another letter from someone regretting their sex change:

Physician: "I was horribly maimed"

I woke up screaming after my gender surgery. My body was aware of the tragedy and harm that had occurred—it was too bad that my mind did not comprehend the reality. That was in 2005. I had just completed a 15-month period of gender transition at age 45. I thought I was on my way to fulfilling my dreams and destiny of becoming a woman. The truth my body knew was that I was forever horribly maimed, and despite what my deluded mind thought, I was still a man.

How naïve and stupid was I despite being a well-trained physician with nearly two million in the bank. My gender story was the same as most. I felt trapped in the wrong body and thought of little else since age seven. I wanted to be a girl. Girls were so pretty, and so desired and pampered, and I was just a plain vanilla boy who looked and acted ordinary. No one ever made over me—I was just expected to a boy. I became deeply closeted at age nine, and secretly dressed and dreamed of being a girl, but I felt alone, isolated and even crazy.

This was the 1960s and early 1970s; there was no internet or support group; I had not even heard of the terms gay or lesbian, let alone, transgender. It was not until the mid 1970s when I came across an article in Time magazine about a tennis player who changed sex. That was all it took, and I was off to the races with a mission to become a woman.

If I could only go back to the day before my surgery in March of 2005 -- I would run from that surgeon’s knife. I have lived and worked as a surgically altered man trying to play the part of a woman for six years. I spared no expense at trying to make it work. In fact, I spent an estimated $250,000 dollars on various surgeries, and probably at least that amount in clothing and accessories. I took estrogen in every conceivable form. In return, I lost my lucrative job, my family, my social standing, and vital body parts. All for the sake of being true to myself—how tragically laughable.

I had to re-train as a physician and I went from making a half million to 40 thousand dollars a year, despite working 80 hours a week. I went from the ease of being a man, to the hardships of a marginalized person living on the fringes. I had few friends, but I was generally tolerated and people were for the most part polite and accepting to my face. In truth, I was alone and isolated. I was the talk of the town, the butt of jokes, and most everyone could tell that there was something askew about that “woman”. I was six feet two, 145 pounds and had a lilted baritone voice. My attempt at being a member of the softer gender was not working, and I had become no more than a caricature and source of amusement for others. Now I was trapped—I was truly a person in the wrong body.

I am now trying to correct this wrong, and for the first time I have the love and support of a wonderful loving human being. She has done much to educate me about women and who and what they truly are. Chromosomes do matter, and undeniable birth gender should not be altered. As I look around today at men and women who are aging like everyone does, I often wonder about the fantasy of my early thought processes. Did I think I was going to be a beautiful princess living out a fairy tale life forever?

I no longer have to prune and preen in front of a mirror, or wonder about the length of a skirt, or if my make-up looks OK, or if my voice is at the right pitch, and I don’t have to worry about teenagers looking at me and laughing. I am a guy, and I have always been a guy—for this I am thankful.

Received July, 2011

[toknow]

Another one regretting their sex change and they were sure they know what they were doing:

From M-

I recently had the sex change surgery, and

although I thought I was completely sure of what I was doing, I began to regret the decision a mere three weeks after the operation.

Some might say I was experiencing post-op depression, but it was definitely more than that. I also suspect that many of the other patients at the hospital who had the same operation experienced similar feelings based on my discussions with them.

What really drove the point home for me was the realization that it required eight hours on an operating table to make my genitalia appear to be female. That pretty much tells me that I’m NOT female at all. If I were female, why wasn’t I born with female genitalia? Sure, there are some intersexed people with ambiguous genitals, but I’m not at all intersexed. My chromosomes are the normal male XY, with absolutely no abnormalities.

The reality is that I’m male, and no amount of surgery changes that fact.

I’m now four months post-op, and I’ve begun to transition to live as a male again. I feel it’s the only way to be honest with myself and with society.

If you are considering this surgery, think very carefully about the consequences. Make sure that the doctor or counselor that’s approving you for the surgery is qualified to evaluate whether you need the operation or not.

So many unnecessary operations of this type are carried out each year around the world, and in all too many cases, the effect is pain and regret not only for the person who had the operation, but also for their families.

[toknow]

As I said if she is depressed she really can not make this decision as her depression distorts her views and feelings. Let her read all these and then talk to her. Some of these have regret even 10 years later. So, it's not just post operation symptom.

Also show her these: [url]www.sexchangeregret.com/research[/url]

[TheWalrusNet]

Thanks again toknow, that's a load of research! I really appreciate that you would do that much for somebody you've never met. In truth you're right, I think this is a horrible Idea, I know she'll regret it. and you're also right, in a depression she shouldn't be making those decisions, let alone with two mental disorders too. I just don't know how to tell her that, without hurting her feelings, I don't want to lose her as a friend too. and you must know how people are, those people all regret it after the op, but as they said they thought they were sure, I don't know how even that is going to sway her if she's sure too.