Co dependency and Loving Unconditionally

[xElexis]

So... where is the line between one who loves unconditionally and another who is co dependent?

[oldskool83]

co dependant you cant function with out the other person and get sad or stressed not being with them or seeing them.

unconditional you know the persons there for back up you dont need to be with them to feel happy.

which one are you?

[toknow]

Unconditional in the sense that you still love him although he doesn't reciprocate. That doesn't diminish your actions toward him, the beautiful way you care for him is still there.

What a lot of people don't realize though, is what they are doing for one person might not be meant for them in the first place. How that happens is: when you for example think he is "the one" you respond in a certain way towards that - you respond with the corresponding feelings. So, if he is really not the one but you think he is, you basically respond the same way as if he is the one. That's why even though the way you love him is wonderful, you might be experiencing these feelings toward the wrong person.

[xElexis]

@oldskool83: I'd really like to know myself lol

@toknow: A little confused but, thanks a lot! Could that be what I was doing/feeling? He can only be "The One" if and only if both of you feel the same way about each other, no?

[toknow]

Basically what I'm saying is sometimes people are in love with the idea of the guy they are with, not the guy himself. Because they see him in a certain way - this especially happens when you don't fully know the person and you imagine them being a certain way when they are not.

"He can only be "The One" if and only if both of you feel the same way about each other, no?"

I believe this is the case, but only because he doesn't reciprocate now, doesn't mean he won't later on. That's why it's hard to write off someone and say they can't be the one if they don't feel the same way now. Some people take more time to learn who you are, be it subconsciously or consciously.

[xElexis]

I'd really like to know where I stand now. I want to know was it because he was my first love, or was it because I truly love him for who he is, or whether I'm just in love with the idea of being in love(because it was my first? Ugh.) It's hard to tell. He smokes, he used to smoke up, a week after he called it off with me, he started dating this other girl. They didn't work out, weeks later, I've seen him hitting it off with this other girl. And again it didn't work out. And now he's really close with this other girl, after months of guessing I know the both of them have mutual feelings for each other, but the girl knows they'll never work out, and she is now dating another guy. But as far as I know, he remains close contact with all of his girl friends, those he once dated and others, just 'sisters'. I for one am still in contact with him, but definitely not as close as those other girls. Once I lend him something important and he promised to return it to me before I fly off. He has return 5/6 of what it is to me, and told me that if I want the rest back, I should go up to his place (which is 30mins from where I live) or meet him up somewhere to get it back, and he made it sound like I was the one who borrowed it and should be responsible for it all if I want it back when in fact I was doing him a huge favour. I was really pissed. He was not ashamed for making me wait hours and hours for him to get ready whenever we hang out together, and I thought guys were usually the ones who wait. I'm a girl, driving alone, all the time to his place, and all he ever said was he will come down to my place one day, but never did. I'm tired.

Whenever he needed help from me, I did it reluctantly because I know it wouldn't be appreciated, but I have a soft spot for him, its not good but I can't help it. And I definitely wouldn't help him out if it is beyond my means.

He has done so many things that hurt me and I know it's all in my head and I don't blame him. I should have played darts on his picture ages ago. I know, I brought it all to myself. But.. though I can't picture myself with him any more after all he's said and done, deep down I know I still love him and care for him. Sometimes his posts got me worried, and then I thought of how he would treat me and shrugged it off. He can be so cold, so heartless, but I treat him just the same.
Am I co dependent? Am I a fool? Yes I am. Is this an everyday thing? Does this happen to most people?

[smackie9]

I'll go with you are in love with the idea of love...in fact you wanted it so bad you are willing to over look the bad and ignore the warnings. Love makes us blind alright, that's why we are so busy on this forum.

[pisces25]

Wakeup is our codependency expert... where is she lately?

Anyway, IMO unconditional love is near impossible in romantic relationships, not to say it can't be done but to love someone no matter what they do is extremely difficult. I'd say your situation is definitely co-dependency. Cut him off and free yourself from him.

[toknow]

I don't know him, so I can only speculate, but doesn't seem to appreciate his relationships. Doesn't even sound like a decent guy, let alone being "the one". So, you really might have displaced feelings here - feelings for someone that you don't seem to fully know. And a lot of what you like about him is possibly how you see him, but not how he is. You should be writing these letter and having these feelings for someone who can perceive them and respond to them. Is he that person, I don't know. But, currently he doesn't appear to be.

[vashti]

I think both "co-dependency" and "unconditional love" are complete pop-psych bullshit.

This guy was simply the first one you fell for, and rather than it being a tragedy, you should look at it as a learning opportunity. Almost all of us choose a lemon the first time around; that's why we don't marry them.

[xElexis]

I see it now. Thank you so much you guys. I really appreciate all your help and I'm finally getting a grip of myself. I just wanna avoid being too attached and dependent on someone you know wouldn't last. Thank you, I get the picture.