Solved past relationship issues with ex? Now what?

[Yiper32]

I don't know what to think of it. But I saw my ex for the first time in a while and we talked about many things yesterday. We discussed how he feels, how I feel, the break up/what happened since, then we talked about the relationship and what went wrong on both our parts.

He broke up with me 3 months ago and we had dated for 2 yrs before that.

He told me (and the reason for breaking up) how right now he doesn't want to be in a relationship because he's having a hard time figuring out what he wants in life overall, with starting college, and that everyone has a goal in life and he wants to make a difference some day, he wants to make people happy and he felt like he wasn't doing a good job. How he just doesn't know what his is yet and like how he needs time alone to just "find himself". He hasn't been talking to other girls since, which I know for a fact. He pretty much has just been alone since we broke up.

But after he had told me that we talked more. I reassured him how he has time to figure things out. And we talked about other things related to "growing up" (I'll be 20 and he's going to be 19). He told me he still loved me or never stopped loving me. He told me how he took full blame for "ruining the relationship", and he has NEVER admitted to being wrong to anything before, so that was huge.

Which then I said how all relationships have ups and downs, no one's perfect, but I didn't think what had been going on couldn't have somehow been worked out at the time.

Then we talked about the relationship, what happened in it and we discussed some issues that we had when we were dating. We were very understanding of each other and listened, said sorry, admitted to where we faulted and how looking back we shouldn't have reacted the way we had at times. We basically solved and cleared a lot of past issues we had that had been unresolved. It felt nice to discuss everything, it was kind of refreshing cause the issues we had before I did have a lot of time to reflect on so I had wanted to talk to him about them at some point, but then he brought them up and we worked them out.

He was surprised how my mindset changed on certain issues and I said "they're no big deal, it comes down to how the guy treats the girl. I've had a lot of time to reflect on everything"

after we talked he said "well I’ll be in NY for a week but I’ll text you when I’m there. And we can hang out more now though since we talked about all of that. Cause today was awesome!”

In the car he asked "can we headbutt?" (yeah which that sounds weird, but it was something we did when we dated) and I said "we haven't done that in forever?" and he said "I know, but, can we?" so we did.

But then it’s like after all that talking he also seemed REALLY happy, was singing and dancing in the car especially enthusiastically, and he got kinda flirty with me the rest of the night. But in a goofy non-sexual way.

At one point he called me baby too, when we were playing a game and I accidentally killed him I apologized and he had told me "it's ok baby" Which he hasn't called me that in months. But I just didn't acknowledge he said that, I thought that was just a slip.

But overall, I don't know what to think of everything... or what could be even going on. I don’t know if that can be called reconciling? But we cleared a lot of things up and were so happy after we talked about it all, our moods totally changed (in a good way) towards each other. And he seemed so much happier after we talked. But we never mentioned anything about getting back together or trying again.So I am not sure what happens from here?

Things seem kind of seem more positive/good. But I don’t want to get my hopes up?

[Yiper32]

A bit of an update:

I’d be willing to give things a second chance but I don't know if this has potential? I feel like a new door has been possibly opened for future reconciliation.

But as for saying that to him, I’d be afraid to because since we solved a lot of past issues we had when dating, he still had told me before that how he’s overwhelmed with college and his future so for now he has to be alone and figure himself out.

I just don’t want to bring it up potentially too fast, cause sure we have solved a lot of things, though if he feels not ready to based on how he still needs to figure out other things he’s dealing with, then I’d fear hearing “you’re a sweet girl, but I’m just not ready to right now”.

He always told me how he never wanted to be with any other girl and wouldn’t want to be, and since we broke up he hasn’t, he’s just pretty much been alone. So it had always seemed like if he could choose he’d want to be with me.


I figure if a guy knows what he wants he goes for it though, potentially. I’d think since he ended it, that maybe it’d be best if he brought up getting back together when he’d feel ready to? But then I don't want to read too much into anything. Cause I fear him only wanting to be friends and nothing more, I'm afraid of being rejected or it being dragged on. And here's where I get confused if this even has potential at all or is anything.

He told me how "I'll be in NY but I'll text you when I am there"... He did randomly text me earlier today and we had been talking all day, casually. And he’s technically on “vacation” staying at his cousins’ house for the week in NY and he chose to still talk to me randomly. He was even at a party tonight and still continued to talk. So that’s not so bad I’d say.

He cares, but I wouldn’t want to get my hopes up. And I don’t want to rush anything. It seems positive and promising but I don’t want to necessarily anticipate anything cause I’d hate to feel disappointed.

I guess I just see what happens in the next few days/weeks to come? I don't exactly know what to do.

[ScottMustaine]

I don't want to plant you seed of doubt. But I think he's into some other girl. I mean why would he give you a break up because he 'needs to think' . He does that in relationship and concludes whether he needs to cut it out or not. Not the other way around. What I think he is doing is he's with some other girl while keeping you with those stories, so in case everything fails he comes back... My paranoid 5 cents.

[Boisdevie]

Tell him to make up his ****ing mind. When a guy wants something it will take a lot to stop him getting it. This pussy doesn't know which way is up.

[Yiper32]

There's no seeds to "plant" with doubt. Before we broke up he wasn't talking to any other girls, I knew and know that for a fact. After we broke up he hasn't been talking to other girls or hanging out with them either, which I also know and even his mom has told me how since we broke up he's pretty much just been alone. So I never thought anyone else could be in the picture.

It pretty much boils down to him trying to figure himself out. I always got a sense of he still could have some feelings, though right now what he’s mentally dealing with and trying to figure out it’s like bothering him to the point from being able to want/maintain a relationship with the mindset he’s in now.

I felt like the issues we pushed to the side and that built up contributed to the end of the relationship. Honestly, when my ex first told me how he’s so overwhelmed and that being the reason why it ended, apart of me believed that could have been a possibility, but that it wasn’t necessarily why the relationship truly and totally ended. I felt like him telling me he was overwhelmed and not mature enough was apart of it, but also a bunch of BS and how the actual serious reason it ended was because things had built up so much it was stressing us both out and how that last few weeks before it ended (and how awful they all went), on top of him realizing college was coming, was like a breaking point. So we discussed the issues in the relationship and resolved them, so now it’s like one less “overwhelming” thing for him to deal with.

Though for him he still has to deal with figuring out and being less anxious about his future/college first.

But It had amazed me, how a couple months ago my ex was so incredibly stubborn about what happened. He didn’t want to discuss it with me, would shut down, he just had told me he was happy and how he didn’t love me anymore in “that” way...

Meanwhile now he’s able to talk about everything, even admitted that he was sorry and he even said that HE ruined the relationship, which was/is HUGE cause my ex, he would never admit to things like that. He admitted he never stopped loving me (though since I haven’t felt like he loves me let alone has seemed to have any serious interest I took that with a grain of salt). He was able to talk about everything in depth. He even brought up the issues our relationship had, I didn’t even have to. HE wanted to discuss them and get to the bottom of them. He seemed caring, emotional, he for once felt SOMETHING regarding it all since it happened.


When I told him how at first I thought “what did I do wrong?” and how I had done so much for him and would have done anything he seemed SO affected through the whole conversation, his eyes kind of got teary and he had to sit down and he had just said “No! Why would you do that?! I told you not to blame yourself” and when I told him I would’ve done anything for him, had done so much, how I felt taken for granted and unappreciated sometimes with him, he told me “you did so much, you really did. It was always so sweet. I would have done anything for you too. I’d do so much for you. And... I’d still do anything for you.” and then at one point I remember when we were talking and he showed some anger (not at me, just in general) and he said “And that F*CKER! Whoever THAT F*CKER IS who keeps telling you I am saying all of these bad things about you, I’m not, and I never would”

When we discussed issues and resolved them we also kind of came up with solutions for how they could or could have been different. Like he always thought I didn’t trust him much in the relationship and he said how he was loyal and would never cheat and how I shouldn’t have ever felt jealous or worried about other girls, I told him I shouldn’t have doubted him, and that he never gave me reason not to trust him, things over time affected how I’d feel cause we’d never really address them and how they'd be handled. He told me how he never wanted to hide anything from me, like porn, and how he didn’t understand how it made me so uncomfortable and how he'd figure eventually I'd see and how if we had a house or shared a computer I'd be bound to stumble across it at some point. I told him cause it was different for me at first and I never knew what he liked before. I told him I later reflected and saw it wasn’t that big of a deal, I mean as long as it wouldn’t be an addiction, and that everyone checks out the opposite sex it comes down to how the guy treats his girlfriend. And he just told me how he figured porn could’ve been something we could’ve even watched together some time to spice things up and we kind of joked how that’d be if we did.

He said he felt like I wanted him to change which I told him how I did not expect him to ever change. Texting, I remember getting anxious if he wouldn’t reply in the past, I told him that was also not a big deal either. I said I was confused how before the relationship ended he’d mention it being a good idea to maybe have things a little different or “switched up” and he told me how “well yeah, instead of seeing you on like a Friday, Wednesday, Sunday all the time, maybe I could see you some other days or switch with other things sometimes and see you another day instead” and I told him how sure there’d be times we wouldn’t always be able to see each other and how we’d work around them and then if he wanted to do something different a certain day or couldn’t see me for some reason one day then I’d just do my own thing and how that’s also not a big deal.

It wasn’t all me though, he had some faults too, like bottling his emotions, being stubborn/defensive sometimes. Which he also apologized for.

People make mistakes. We'd never really talk about things before and if we did we'd both be really stubborn about how we felt, we'd never admit to being wrong, which we realized wasn't right. We were able to talk and address everything. We pretty much forgave each other for issues in the past.

But I do deserve better than uncertainty. I’d do anything for someone I loved. He knows that, he’s acknowledged it. And I am doing what I’ve thought best ever since we broke up. I have been getting out more, gaining myself back, realizing I don’t need him either way. I’ve gone out with other guys and friends since too. It feels great! So I do believe whatever happens I will be happy. I would never put my life on hold for something/someone uncertain. There’s only so long someone can just wait around and be stuck.

I’d just have to see what happens and live my own life through it. And not be disappointed with what happens cause either way I’d always know I did what i felt was right and tried all I could have.

[Yiper32]

I'm having a particularly hard time today >.<
IN advance, this post is going to be kinda long, but it's mostly short conversation/description. I just feel so awkward and need a place to put my feelings and some opinions

I mean things are more positive between my ex and I and we talked last Sunday (he texted me) then Wednesday and Thursday we talked. It was so nice! Cause we were joking and kind of flirting (teasing/goofy not sexual).

He's with his cousins and has been since last week. He'll be home I think tomorrow.

But I think what I am having a hard time with right now is how everything was going so well until last night I felt for some reason I made things awkward.

I didn't say anything negative, but we were joking about food (we talk about random things) but he said I loved whipped cream creams! ”

and I joked and was just like “I say “me too! But not as much as I love.... food in general XD”

Yes, that’s vague, right? But all those periods I put... there’s hesitation with what I was gonna say I “love”, if that makes sense.

I mean it was 1am at that point and I don’t know if I was making any sense. In my head I knew it was an indirect hint at wanting to pretty much say “I love you”

but he replied with “lol my favorite food still is chicken! lol”

I said “so many periods... lol. and of course XD I like chinese food and italian”

and he says “lol periods lol. and mmm japanese”

I said “no chinese! and yes, there was a lot of periods when I said “I love..... food.... yes... ermmm.... food..... lol”

And well, Idk, see, in my mind stuff makes sense of what I literally mean when I word it, so even if I was trying for that to be a metaphor SOMEHOW, I don’t even know if it comes across as anything or obvious (which by this point with texting I was SO hoping it didn’t, each time I sent something I’d regret it, or like at the same time just wanna spit it out that I loved him)

he says “l like chinese and japanese food a lot.... oooohhh.... i.... see.... lol”

At this point he probably just thought I was being random/goofy as I usually am... Cause I am pretty random, so I mean now that I think about that I don’t even think it’s clear that I was even hinting at well, ANYTHING. But again it’s late as I texted him that anyway so in my head it was making sense that I was trying to be all “metaphorical” or hinting to something else.

But here’s me, still like at the same time dreading it, yet WANTING to kinda just spit out how I feel,

and I say “chinese is better! and... hey.... never mind :3”

and he says “don’t never mind me! lol chinese like real chinese from china! i’d love to try that ”

and I said “Nooo it’s better if I do XD honestly :3... ermm yeah! im sure that’d be good!”

and he says “what do you mean? lol yeah like real chinese food! I would devour it all hehe”

and I ignored his “what do you mean” and said “I would too! cause it’s so good!”

and he said “hehe I love all food”

and here’s me AGAIN being awkward saying “i love.... food.... too XD”

He probably still thinks I am just being random at that point, I mean clearly I don’t know if my awkward hesitanty periods would indicate anything to anyone else but since my ex never really caught on to subtle things like that anyway, and I’d suppose since texting is kinda vague anyway and how I was wording it was just random and just added/extra periods, that’s like so unclear. It most likely of course all flew over his head.

he says “especially japanese”

I reply with “:3... oh, and when I said well hey never mind it was nothing bad towards/about you though just so you know XD”

he said “I know lol and I know you mean no harm harms”

again he probably still figured I was just joking around with everything.

so... I say “course not XD I never mean harm harms lol. I said “it’s better if I honestly do say never mind” cause I meant it about the way/how I was joking :3”

So, there’s me trying to cover up something that was already so vague anyway (though I knew what I was thinking when I wrote it all, so I think that's why I feel weird)

and he said “I know lol. I understand your humor lol”

AGAIN he probably still figured I was just joking.

I said (Oh god I just kept awkwardly going) “you do XD but metaphors... lol....”

and he said “what lol”

At this point I’d assume he’s just confused, cause what I said there really is also vague and makes no sense.

I just said “it’s nothing. and nothing bad either lol. Just don’t worry about it XD”

and he said “alright well I have to sleep I am so tired lol”

and I said “my randomness doesn’t always make sense. especially late at night lol. and I am tired too, so sleep is good”

and he said “yesh it is hehe good night”

and I said good night back....

OMG, like... I feel SO stupid. I literally almost spit out how I felt and like at the same time I wanted to hold back but then also oddly just say it, but then I persisted, AWKWARDLY and probably (and hopefully) did nothing other than confuse him (cause after a while I didn’t want him to figure out what I was even trying to say)......

But PLEASE tell me that just flew over his head and I was way too vague and unclear for that to even potentially mess anything up... Cause I feel like I really somehow messed up for whatever reason.... It feels awkward now. I just wouldn’t want it to push him away or make it weird for him to talk to me. I was so vague that I’d hope he just saw it as like just joking (even if I had intended it to mean something else at the time).

I talked to him basically the last 2 days. So not talking today at all has felt weird too. Basically Idk when we’d talk again, which also kinda makes me anxious. Idk if I should let him contact me first again or if I reach out to him?

I know that’s a long post but I feel bad :/

[smackie9]

I think what would work is a type of relationship that will give him a lot of space to focus on other things...... if you could give him that then he might say yes.

[Yiper32]

I do feel like he still has to figure things out, alone.

Though I already specifically told him we aren't friends, I never wanted to be friends etc. So as far as how I feel about that, I am pretty sure he's aware that I'd want to potentially give things another shot though... Or at least knows how I feel about being "friends" and how I don't want that.

We solved a lot of past issues in the relationship and it was like since then he's wanted to talk to me more and also see me more too. But I know nothing is significant unless HE brings up getting back together.

The other day I mentioned how I missed working out and he told me how when he gets back from his trip we could go to the gym together if I'd like.
So it seems like it's effort for at least something. (cause he's in NY til this weekend)

Though it's so confusing for me. Cause I don't know the point in any of this sometimes or how he truly feels or what could happen. I'd think in time it'd potentially only make more sense.

I'm going to be 20 but my brain is like all over the place regarding him and what's happened. Especially when we last talked, I just feel like it ended awkwardly... So now I don't know what to do I suppose other than just wait and see if he'd contact me?

[rappelz]

I figure if a guy knows what he wants he goes for it though, potentially. I’d think since he ended it, that maybe it’d be best if he brought up getting back together when he’d feel ready to? I’d just have to see what happens and live my own life through it.

[Yiper32]

Ahh, yes. My mind is just all over the place lately :/

[smackie9]

I say you should just lay it all out on the line and ask him what does he want from you. Tell him that to you it doesn't make sense to just act like a couple, but not be in a relationship. Now you can offer a little more space for him to focus on other things if that is what he needs, BUT other than that if he can't give you answers then you tell him, not to contact you anymore, because you don't need anymore "friends".

[Yiper32]

I've gotten mixed opinions from family/friends about just telling him or asking vs. just letting things happen and develop "naturally" and not push for anything if they seem positive now.

Compared to 3 months ago where it was very awkward and we didn't even really see each other let alone talk much at all even though after we broke up he wanted to be "friends" But I was with him last Thursday and getting kinda sick of a pattern of occasionally talking, being ignored, him disappearing on me, seeing each other pretty much only twice since we had broke up, I didn't see the point in it. So I brought up how I felt. I told him how I didn't/don't want to be friends with him and that we aren't. I even told him how "if you don't want to be with me then I don't see the point in me even being around you or us even talking"

Then we talked about everything and he brought up past issues we had in the relationship and now that we had talked about everything and even solved past issues he's seemed way more enthusiastic and interested in communicating with me and even see me.

But I'd love to know how he feels. Because I am so confused. I specifically told him I didn't want to be friends and how we aren't so I can't tell what he even sees this all as then. I'd be hesitant to even bring up getting back together or fear being rejected. I'd feel like since he ended it, it'd potentially be better for him to suggest. Since he is still dealing with things, I wouldn't want him to feel pressured or guilted into anything cause that wouldn't be good either. But at the same time I need to know how he feels.

[smackie9]

Ya but how long are you going to do this? 3 months? 6 months? I think you should give yourself a set deadline, and if he doesn't approach you on getting back together then it's time to call him out on it.

[Yiper32]

We were together for 2 yrs so it wasn't something I'd just want to walk away from.
But I'd never want to wait forever. I can't put my life/effort into someone/something that's uncertain.

It felt so good to solve past issues we had in the relationship. And things seem more positive but that's all unclear and is nothing more than to be taken as a grain of salt. Because I have no idea how he feels.

I'd give it a month, honestly. If things in a few weeks don't seem to progress or become any more clear I'd just have to call him out.

[IndiReloaded]

How much of your communication is initiated by you? If its more him, then I think you should tell him, nicely, that you are confused b/c he broke up with you and you don't know what he wants.

If its you contacting him, drawing him out, etc. I suggest you back off. Let him contact you when he's 'found himself' or whatever . Really, you are both barely 20. What's the rush? Just date other guys if you feel the need for that kind of interaction. You need not flaunt it, but I would certainly let him know if it comes up that you aren't hanging around waiting for him to make up his mind. Relax a bit more about things. If he cares enough, he'll come around eventually. If not, then you won't have wasted your time waiting on a hopeless situation. Life is short and you should be having lots of fun at your age.