A really confusing situation with my ex who has returned into my life

[4dvz]

Hey,

I`m in the middle of an confusing scenario. Some background: I lived with this woman for 3,5 years, we had an amazing relationship except the last 6-9 months, everything just started to break down in our lives, we lost 2 apartments, were really short with money and eventually it all just exploded and we separated, and stayed in kind of bitter touch for a month. After that we didn`t talk to each other anymore at all.
It`s about 6-7 months since this happened, and about 3-4 weeks ago we decided to meet and catch up. We did, and after that she has asked me to have coffee, lunch etc, and we`ve had coffee and lunch for a few times now. She also met someone new while we were out from each others lives, apparently quite a short while after we broke up for good. And now she broke up with him a week ago. Right after the guy had carried his stuff out from her place she wanted me to come there, I went over and we just talked for many hours.

She has contacted me a lot, wanted to meet me a lot. But also referred to me as a friend. She also asked me if I want to go to a holiday trip abroad with her, AS A FRIEND.

She has messed my head up for good, I tought I had made my mind on her and tought that it`s all done for, but now I find myself wanting to be with her again. :/ What really opened my eyes was this moment that lasted for 3-5 seconds on a party last weekend where we both attended.. We had hanged in a same group for a while, then when I was talking with her I said that I was going to find my friend who I kind of abandoned a while ago, she gave me this really sad look with her eyes wide open. That moment when I walked away from her while she was staring at me with those eyes has haunted me every hour after that.

This is really painful because I have no clue what`s going on. Is it possible that she really sees me as a friend after all of this or is she using the word to soften things somehow? I mean, how could she really ask me to go abroad with her as a friend? Could she really want to see me all the time and talk to me all the time, only as a friend all of the sudden? Could she just be insecure of her own feelings?

We have already settled a date within 3 days "as friends" I suppose, and I`m going to speak up about this situation one way or another.
If I would really want her back do you guys think I should be straight about it and spit it out?
Should I give her some time to make up her own mind since she just broke up from another relationship?
Should I tell her what I feel, but also that I`m not expecting anything and just want to see where this all leads?
I`m kind of afraid that if I don`t act now, friend zone will fall too deep inside her head or she will meet someone else as she always does, she`s a pretty woman..

This is also a big crossroad in my own life because it`s very different atm than what it used to be when we we`re together, to turn it back would mean a totally different future.

[LoveSlice]

Well firstly, i wouldn't buy into the "friend" thing. She wants you back, has feelings for you and doesn't want to admit it to herself more than anything. Her last relationship was the "rebound" she thought she had found someone better and now she is going back to the drawing board which i am afraid to say is you. You wont be able to get back once you first had. But by all means, tread carefully, nothing should be rushed, start a new relationship as new people, do not go back to the last one you had. It was broken and couldn't be fixed, hence the break up. Try not to see her as much, don't reply straight away, give it a few hours before texting/calling back. Remain as busy as possible and think about what it is you actually want. if it is meant to be, it will be. be positive. If she is what you want, don't tell her, keep your cards close to your chest. Go on a few short dates, spend a bit of time together, mainly fun things. don't speak about why the relationship failed, don't go over old ground. Look to the future and if you want, build a new one together. Just remember why it failed the first time round though.

[Oh Really :}]

Seems to me she thinks right now she and you would make better "friends" than getting totally hooked again. Ofc this doesnt mean she wouldnt wanna get snug with you from time to time (As per your description of the after the fact events)

Sometimes even when ppl are right for each other, the timing, maturity etc can throw things out of sync. Play it cool, go with the flow. Im thinking she wants casual right now, and that includes you

[cheekxs]

if it is a ex why do you put heragain in your life? what ever go wrong blame yourself

[oldskool83]

nothing good comes out of an ex, or evern a person you tried to get to know and date and it didnt work. same thing, drama bullshit waste of time.

[magguu]

If you ask me there are two types of people -

1. Those who think that love is permanent but breakup is not.
2. Those who think that breakup is permanent but love is not.

Those who are in the first category are always in emotional turmoil like you are now. The second type of people also suffer emotional turmoil but it is for a short duration only. You have to decide which type you want to fall in.

I follow a simple rule - never restart a relationship after it breaks.

Now coming to her ... she is clearly in the first category. It follows that her latest breakup will also not be permanent. She may want to run into that ex also sometime in the future ... how would you deal with that ? It is also clear that she does not see you just as a casual friend .. there is no dearth of casual friends anyway. She has come back for soothing her heart, the way she remembers you doing that for the first few months of your relationship. But if you give it a try, the last few months of your relationship will also follow ... this time much sooner.

I would say ... cut off totally from her since you clearly have a tendency of being in the first type. Unless you totally shut her off from your life - and it is worth changing your city if it comes to that - there is no way you can make this breakup permanent.

[magguu]

if it is a ex why do you put heragain in your life? what ever go wrong blame yourself

why do even bother replying ?

[4dvz]

Thanks for your replies, picked up some good advice mainly about taking it easy and playing it cool (loveslice and ohreally). Altough I`ve always been more of an say things as they are type, and never did anything to strategize.. But as what life has tought it might be wise at this point, you guys are propably right that I should play things slow here.
The problem there lies in her persona tough; She is a beautiful woman who is way way way more social than you might even believe, she meets new people all the time, chats with people randomly, gets to know them etc etc, she just doesn`t stay single for long and I know that. Altough playing it slow might make my case more effective in the long run, it might also cripple it to begin with if I`m too slow.

Some of you had an opinion against returning back to ex-partners (cheekxs, magguu and oldskool83). If there has been something like cheating, heavy disrespect, abusing etc etc I might comply with you but as I wrote in my post, everything just collapsed back then because times were just too rough for us, I don`t blame her, she doesn`t blame me (we talked about it). I blame myself tough for losing my faith in us.

I`ve met many women during this time we`ve been apart, nobody has been anything even slightly close to her. She is unbeliavably honest, she never cheated on me during those years, and when she was close on doing it once she called me crying and told me about what she`s thinking about, then came back home when I asked her to. How many persons would do that?
She always helps other people, truly has a pure hearth but has never really gotten anything from the world and has to work hard for her living.

I mean, she is someone I truly respect in every aspect. And I`m the one who let us down in the middle of hard times, I gave up because I was unhappy in a situation where happiness was impossible.
I`m lucky to even have her in my life at all, and from the way I`m writing about her you can see how I feel about her.

To tell the truth, I can`t lose her again. You can`t imagine the amount of pain and regret I have for everything that happened back then, and how much I would like to make up everything to her.

[LoveSlice]

you see, you have her up on too much of a pedestal. you shouldn't do that in any relationship else it will never be equal and she will walk all over you. You need to just keep seeing her as a friend. respect what she is saying to you for the time being. You need to remain confident, and when you are together be that person that she once fell in love with, minus all the problems you came into the first time you was together. She probably doesn't want that person back, but does want the person she fell in love with. Be that person.