How do I make my girlfriend understand?

[tipster]

So yeah, secretly creating accounts and what so ever. You don't do things in secret if you know they are not wrong. Your subconsciousness tells you it's wrong, that's why you do it in secret. Do you really need to create problems in your relationship, in your family actually, for being able "to say hi" every few months? Really? If you have a family to care about, those things should be really irrelevant. And sorry, but 1,5 year long relationship is not "nothing". You choose to cause those problems. And this ex, she's obviously not that close friend, if you can go few months without talking to each other, which means, it's not that important to stay in touch with her.
And I will add, your gf has the reason to worry, because even if 8 years ago you decided to "stay friends" with your ex, and since then you weren't really that close friends, and finally you are, it means that in those 8 years you two could change, and you could see each other as "new personas" so the feelings could grow again.

Your gf and your kid should be more important to you than this so called friendship. Always. It's not like you don't have other friends, right?

First of all, I know what I did wrong & why I did it. I am not denying any of it. Second, I know what is more important for me & my family. I do not need anyone telling me. I came here for advice on a particular situation and I thank the other posts for guiding me. Sad to see that on every forum there is a self righteousness troll who starts telling people what is right & what is wrong & what they should be doing & what is important in their life which takes away the main topic of the post. No one is perfect & we all make mistakes. Now, I do not wish to discuss anything with you any more so I respectfully ask you to leave this topic.

[Petit Papillon]

First of all, I know what I did wrong & why I did it. I am not denying any of it. Second, I know what is more important for me & my family. I do not need anyone telling me. I came here for advice on a particular situation and I thank the other posts for guiding me. Sad to see that on every forum there is a self righteousness troll who starts telling people what is right & what is wrong & what they should be doing & what is important in their life which takes away the main topic of the post. No one is perfect & we all make mistakes. Now, I do not wish to discuss anything with you any more so I respectfully ask you to leave this topic.

Dude, you basically ask what to do to make your girl stop thinking about this social network incident OR how to lie to her to make her stop? And I tell you, the best way is to stop contact with this other girl, cause it's harming your relationship. If you want to listen to sugar coating then go on, but not here. This is internet and people tell you what they really think. I don't even know you dude, so I'm expressing my opinion and i think you are ridiculous for even wondering why the mother of your child is angry about your lies. Seriously, ridiculous

[Petit Papillon]

Hey tipster, I hope you know I am a moderator here and I read the reports. Unfortunately I can't infract myself. And nope, I'm not being rude, I'm just trying to make you realize that you're wrong here. You can either accept my advice or not, but I definitely have no reason to lie to you or whatever. Lying to your partner is always wrong and don't be surprise she is not trusting you. Really. Stop talking to your ex dude

One more thing. Tell your girlfriend the truth, that this girl is actually your ex of 1,5 years and let her decide if she wants to put up with this situation or not. If you don't, then you definitely have something to hide. Because in a real relationship, people should be able to say such things, work on a compromise. You don't let her choose, so you are the cheater here. I bet if she knew for sure that once you two were together for 1,5 years, she would never let you speak to her. And it's understandable.
So, you're the o0ne who's lying here, hiding things and making your girlfriend insecure. Sorry for your butthurt.

[smackie9]

He didn't MAKE her insecure, she already was insecure, long before they met. The problem with this whole thing was avoidance. Sweeping things under the rug doesn't solve anything. Going behind ones back, is a symptom not the problem. Lets look at the overall issue here. Lack of trust....why? because of lack of communication.

[Petit Papillon]

He didn't MAKE her insecure, she already was insecure, long before they met. The problem with this whole thing was avoidance. Sweeping things under the rug doesn't solve anything. Going behind ones back, is a symptom not the problem. Lets look at the overall issue here. Lack of trust....why? because of lack of communication.

Do you really think that hiding social network accounts, conversations with an ex is not a problem here? Everyone is a bit insecure and I am sure he triggered this behaviour. Remember, everyone who's coming here is not telling us the complete truth, people tend to hide their mistakes, so we don't criticize them. It's of course easier to say she was insecure before, but I am sure he gave her reasons to snoop . It's almost always like this.
Smackie you have to remember that we get to know only one side of the conflict and i'm sure it's not 100% like he's telling us.

Plus, isn't it weird to you, that's she so extremely insecure for exactly this particular so called friend? You will not convince me that he didn't give her any reason for her to be suspicious about this so called friendship. And actually, she was right with her suspicions , so i don't know why we are even discussing this thing.

[smackie9]

I'm not saying his actions were justified. I'm looking at the whole situation in a objective manner. I am not picking sides here. The real issue here is that they never bothered to settle any of this at the beginning of their relationship. She wasn't open minded enough to discuss and come to some kind of compromise. Instead it was "No you are not going to talk to her ever again, case closed! His fault here was he didn't have the balls to face her on her insecurity issues, and work through it with good honest communication. Instead he just avoided the whole thing, like most men do.

Also there is nothng in those messages to indicate anything other that casual chat. There is no 100 texts a day, or flirting or extreme contant contact. There is nothing there to be suspicious about. It's obvious she has trust issues overall whether it be him or someone else. He has never cheated on her, or treated her like crap, or disappeared, or was abusive. So it's on her, she needs to deal with her insecurity, and he need to help her through it. It's not fair he has to walk on eggshells to keep her happy.

Obviously you've had something like this happen to you or you wouldn't be so raw about it.


Anyways the guy isn't looking for a bashing but a solution. The answer : communication. and possible couples counseling if this can't be resolved.

[Petit Papillon]

Yeah, my experience is "nothing happens for no reason" . And say honestly, would you be ok if your husband would speak to his ex girlfriend? Would you be fine imagining they had sex in the past, they were "loving" each other and whatever? Really? I have more respect for myself than that. There are thousand other people he can be friends with and they didn't have had sex before or were involved emotionally with each other. You are clearly open about those things, but I assure you, it's not what an average girl/woman would accept.

[Lipp]

Someone forgot to read, as usual.

so I lost almost all my female friends after her which I found unfair since she had contacts even with her ex.

[smackie9]

I have no problem with my husband talking to any of his exes, I'm sure he has or any female school mates, which he does on FB. I have met most of his exes, and knew one of them because she was my best buddy's sis. I used to tease him about dating her lol she was a bit of a nut job. I'm totally ok with it because that's just the way I am. I don't look through his emails, I don't answer his phone, I don't look through his messages, nor do I visit his page on fb. I don't do much on fb anways. He will tell me a few things that are going on with them...whatever.

My Friend is the same way. She told me about her guy's female co-workers call him at home all the time and talk about cooking and stuff. She doesn't mind at all who he talks to, they have a very open relationship that way as well. I have to say this, being this was makes life more peaceful, and the relationship strong.

You pull that leash too hard, it's gonna snap someday.

[Petit Papillon]

For me this is disrespectful and whoever I would ask from my social circle, they would say the same thing. Maybe you Canadians are more open about it, but it's not the case here. I see no reason in keeping contact with ex partners. I'm not talking about bf/gf from when I was 15 yo. I'm talking about serious relationships.
And I'm not keeping anyone on the leash. My bf would be not happy about me talking to my ex either. Hell I wouldn't want to talk to my ex. And this doesn't mean we snoop on our fb accounts/ phones or whatever. Trust has nothing to do in here. I seriously don't understand how can you think that way.

[Saya]

I think you two need to go to couples counseling and get help from professionals because if her insecurity/controlling is a problem then it would be difficult for you to be with her in the future.

[smackie9]

She came into the relationship knowing that he is friends with his ex and has a few female friends. And BTW she talks to her ex as well and he has np with it. So when I see that I see insecurity on her part. Being confident in your relationship and having trust has nothing to do with being Canadian, it's personality, it's the way I am. I know that when I move on from a serious relationship those feelings go away with it. I usually look back and wonder what I saw in them lol. I don't look at exes as the enemy because I see no threat.

[smackie9]

Playing games, being insecure and hiding crap behind ones back is for kids. If they want to make this work they will have to go through a learning process just like the rest of us went through.......learn to communicate with each other. It's pretty simple.

[smackie9]

Maybe you Canadians are more open about it,

That's a racist remark BTW. It's insulting.

[tipster]

For me this is disrespectful and whoever I would ask from my social circle, they would say the same thing. Maybe you Canadians are more open about it, but it's not the case here. I see no reason in keeping contact with ex partners. I'm not talking about bf/gf from when I was 15 yo. I'm talking about serious relationships.
And I'm not keeping anyone on the leash. My bf would be not happy about me talking to my ex either. Hell I wouldn't want to talk to my ex. And this doesn't mean we snoop on our fb accounts/ phones or whatever. Trust has nothing to do in here. I seriously don't understand how can you think that way.

Wow I have no idea how a racist person like you became moderator on this site & yes I have reported this post also. Why? because you are narrow minded person who fails to see other people's situation. First being a moderator doesn't mean you have to share your rude opinion on every post. Second, no body asked you to judge other people's situations because remember you are a mod here not a counselling judge. I have asked you, very politely, to leave this post because you are not helping at all. Instead you are throwing insults & racist remarks at others. Yes I have lied & made stories which just like everyone I am not proud of. You keep saying that 'You lied to your girlfriend' doesn't matter to me at all because it is something I already know. Also, FYI, I did not lie at any point on any post here because no one knows me here & why would I lie? gain online sympathy for myself?
For all the other people who were helpful here. Yes I know this is a problem I should have faced early in the relation but I admit I am very defensive & a non fighting type of person. Even I am mad I make sure I am not cursing at all not only because of my child but also because bad words should never be used in a Home. Another mistake I made in this relationship while going through all this & neglecting all the flaws is that I hoped that someday things will change on its own. Her over aggressive nature and abusive words even infront of her parents were very disrespectful to me. But I endured it all just for the sake of my child & I thought since she is held very high in her family maybe that kinda spoiled her. But it is sad that nothing has changed. I am not bashing my girlfriend here but just trying people to understand the depth of the relation. I have tried asking her to consult things with her mother or aunt about any of our disagreement (ofcourse after talking to eachother) but her answer has always been that she doesn't want others included in our matters :S