Girlfriend works after Marriage

[SweetMessiah]

Hi,

I have a girl with whom I have been going around for like more than past 2 years. We have a good understanding over all. Over time, we have discussed several issues with a calm mind which we thought were the reasons for fights between us. So, we guess, we have a good understanding on most points. However, now it's on a more serious note. We are looking forward to our marriage.

Now, as everyone has certain points for marriage, in my case, it is this. Please note that this is my opinion and others may have different. Few things also depend on the country and culture from where we come. That is why I want you to read and give your idea/suggestions.

I always wanted to marry a girl who would take good care of family and give a lot of attention to the house. And considering this, her current job profile is in corporate where she would be working for 9 hours and be outside house for close to 11 hours. In such cases, according to me managing the house, the family would be very difficult. This is the reason, I wanted her to quit work after marriage. Since she said, it would be difficult for her to quit work, as she cannot sit at home, and this might create problems between us, she said she is ready to take up something lighter like Teaching/Interior Decoration or any other work apart from Corporate job where she would be occupied with work for the most part.

This was like a good plan and I agreed to it. However, there was 1 time in the past where she changed her mind and said, she wanted to continue working in IT/Corporate and like other girls are doing, she can also work. She said, at least she can try and then we can see if she can manage. So, this was contradicting our previous discussions and we had some fight over this.

After some discussions again, she said, she agrees it was her mistake to change her mind and now she would take up some job which is other than IT/Corporate. Till date, she did not change her mind though we have been quite out of touch for the past few months due to the marriage pressure on her.

Now, since we are looking forward to marrying each other. I wanted to pay attention to every point which can result in a fight later on or create problems. I do not want any sort of tensions related to this.

Here is the thing. I have told her that we will spend some time, meet each other, get to know each other much better and whatever clarifications we need from each other and whatever discussions we need to have before marriage, lets have it now. Its better to have all the discussions now and clarify rather than result in arguments, conflicts and fights later.

So, one of the points she put forward were. She wants to continue working after marriage since she is the only child of her parents and her father has retired from work. So she wants to be some kind of financial support to them as well. So, here is what I think:

How do I really make sure that she would not change her mind again and say later she wants to join IT/Corporate later again? Even though today she might say, she will take up some lighter job, there is also another condition. She would not be earning as much money in these lighter jobs such as Teaching/Interior Decoration and so on as compared to what she would be earning in IT/Corporate.

According to me, there is a possibility that l she comes back saying, I am not earning that well in my job, and I want to take up IT/Corporate again. Now, if this issue comes up post marriage, it will only result in conflicts and also too late to sort out. So, either one of us will be unhappy.

The only reason I think there is a possibility that this might happen is, with time, needs grow, she might start feeling her current job does not pay that well and she earned much better working in IT. Then, she might look forward to taking it up. And since she brings up the point of financially supporting her family after marriage as well, she might think this way.

Is there a way, I can check that she really intends to do what she says, I mean, to quit IT/Corporate post marriage and take up some lighter work? I mean, any questions that I can ask, any discussions that I can have with her?

One of the things I thought was, if she plans to quitting this work and taking up something else, then it needs to be clear thought for her. If it has to be teaching, then well, which subject, where? in School/College/University? Then she also needs to prepare for that. It is not like, you say, tomorrow I want to become a teacher and you become one.

Similarly, in the case of Interior Decoration, what kind of job, where? where does she plan to do the course to learn this stuff?

I believe one way to confirm whether she really intends to do it or is just saying for the sake of keeping me happy is to ask these questions. If she really intends on doing it, she should be doing some basic homework to collection information and details to do it!

Else, she is just saying for the time being and thinks that later she can easily convince me post marriage for working in IT/Corporate.

Honestly I do not want any such issues later and would love to have them clarified before than later.

[Lily_of_Isles]

I'd think carefully about what you're asking. The best way to get a clear idea of her position would be to put yourself in her shoes: she's probably invested a large amount of time, effort, and money for education to get her corporate job. And now you want her to throw it away to sit around the house? What you're asking also doesn't make much sense from a financial point of view: if she keeps her job, you'll have more money to give your children good lives and, as she said, take care of her parents. Unless you're a millionaire and are sure you'll never be out of work, it doesn't make sense for her to not work or take a lower paying job. More money means better education for your children, and better care for her aging parents. Why don't you want that?

Children are in school about 8 hours a day. If they have extracurricular activities, make it 9 or 10. When they're just young babies, I think she'd get maternity leave. In addition, the children will have grandparents, aunts and uncles, and family friends to help look after them. It's not necessary for her to stay home like that - getting out of the house is good for both her and the kids when you have them. They have other family and friends to see and things to do, right?

As for the house, it takes like an hour max to clean a house. It's a finite space. Unless you live in a five storey mansion, it shouldn't be a concern.

Those are probably some of the things that may cause her to change her mind, and they're all valid points whereas I can't see as many valid points for your argument besides cultural sentiments. At the end of the day, do what makes sense - not what's idealistic or traditional just because it's traditional. What if you get laid off? What if you get divorced and she can't depend on your income anymore? Those are things she'll be worried about. It's always safer to have both parents acting as financial security.

She may change her mind also because she feels like you're making her give up something she's worked hard for. Whenever you try to force your partner to give up something important or change a huge part of themselves, they start feeling cheated and their trust in you starts to wither. The old advice "don't try to change your partner" is correct. You should've found a girlfriend who never was a career woman and didn't want to be.

Just talk over all those concerns with her. She could just not be sharing them with you, but as long as she**s mulling them over in her mind, there's a chance her decision will change.

[surfhb]

The above advice is great.

My advice is that this woman is not for you. You have different values and ideas so why would you get married? There are tons of women who would love nothing more than to take care of the home and raise the kids.....why aren't you seeing one of them?

[TheCafeTerrace]

I understand that culturally this is the expected thing to do, but I still can't help thinking that you're acting like a selfish shite. If you love this woman then you should want her to be happy, and if this job is what makes her happy and gives her a feeling of self-worth then you should encourage her in that. **** "culture". If you're really concerned about the house, hire a cleaner or something. I'm pretty sure your wife will be earning more than enough to cover that cost in her corporate job.

Stop thinking about what YOU want and start thinking about what SHE wants.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

SweetMessiah, you're a cocksucker. If you want someone to stay at home and mind the house, find someone who wants to do that. There are plenty of women out there that would love to be homemakers, find one instead of trying to change the person you're with to suit your wants. As TCT so eloquently put it, you are acting like a selfish shite.

[surfhb]

SweetMessiah, you're a cocksucker. If you want someone to stay at home and mind the house, find someone who wants to do that. There are plenty of women out there that would love to be homemakers, find one instead of trying to change the person you're with to suit your wants. As TCT so eloquently put it, you are acting like a selfish shite.

But why is he a cocksucker? There's nothing wrong with wanting that in a women. Believe it or not, most women in the world find it to be their role once married anyway.

[TheCafeTerrace]

But why is he a cocksucker? There's nothing wrong with wanting that in a women. Believe it or not, most women in the world find it to be their role once married anyway.

The point is that this woman doesn't want that, yet SweetMessiah is looking for our advice on how to force his girlfriend into staying at home after they marry and then subsequently how to make sure she doesn't change her mind and go back to her job. BackUpOrGetStng was being relatively restrained in his choice of words, and so was I for that matter.

Frankly I think she'd be better off without him. Clearly he's threatened and intimidated by the her successful career.

[surfhb]

The point is that this woman doesn't want that, yet SweetMessiah is looking for our advice on how to force his girlfriend into staying at home after they marry and then subsequently how to make sure she doesn't change her mind and go back to her job. BackUpOrGetStng was being relatively restrained in his choice of words, and so was I for that matter.

Frankly I think she'd be better off without him. Clearly he's threatened and intimidated by the her successful career.

yeah.....the OP shouldn't even be with this girl

[cheekxs]

i think its very good that u all talks about things before marriage!and i hope you wait couple of years before marry.cause u dont know each other so well.and i think u r no good men!its like u want to bring her down so your dream comes true!and why dont u go go sit all day at home?why does she have to do such a stupidity just cause its your dream?she is not that kind of girl! go find that type and leave her alone!she is someone with ambitions!

[cheekxs]

she is well educated i guess. so why should she sit all day long at home?i think she says yes cause u r forcing her!and to have some peace but her heart is not there!if you have kids i can understand that one need to be more at home.but not while u r marry with no kids.and what if you leave her?she need to see how to get a job back to provide for herself!u r asking her to depent on u.thats a big thing for a independet woman!i think she needs to leave you!

[cheekxs]

and find a guy that search for a middle solution. instead of putting presure and force her to do his dream! without tghinking about her feelings! its like she need to marry u to make your list of dreams come true! instead of what can we do for a better relation and marriage.if you want a home stay wife you shoud have tell her that from the start.so she could tell u no im not that kind! and so she could breakup and move on!

[cheekxs]

she is well educated i guess. so why should she sit all day long at home?i think she says yes cause u r forcing her!and to have some peace but her heart is not there!if you have kids i can understand that one need to be more at home.but not while u r marry with no kids.and what if you leave her?she need to see how to get a job back to provide for herself!u r asking her to depent on u.thats a big thing for a independet woman!i think she needs to leave you!

[cheekxs]

but its not late she still can break up cause you all r in the periode to het to know each other .

[cheekxs]

and u want to doo this and that. but what r you going to do now and after marry? r u going to make some sacrifice? of be home more for her ? i wonder ...

[vashti]

I don't think what you are looking for is out of line at all, at least not once you have young children. Obviously, a lot of people have no idea how much work it is to run a house and raise children (assuming they do it correctly), and sadly, a lot of people have been conditioned to think there is something "wrong" with wanting to have this type of family. (There isn't.)

It doesn't sound like you will get what you want from THIS woman, though. You need to find one that holds more traditional values.