Love, Drugs and BDSM...

[TheCafeTerrace]

So I think I'll be painfully candid here because I need some help understanding a situation I've created for myself recently... The essence of it is that a few weeks ago I went to a party with one of my oldest and best friends, we took a lot of MDMA and ended up kissing, talking loads (as you do on MD,) and then going back to my house and having sex in the kitchen. We had never done anything like that before.

When I was in my mid-teens I was infatuated with this girl but was too nervous to ever try anything. I'm now 21, I've never had a girlfriend before, and I still think that she is the sexiest, smartest and funniest girl in the world (not quite with the adolescent infatuation anymore, but still very much a loving feeling towards her. I think I would take a bullet for her if I had to.) Over the last three years we both went to different universities miles away from each other, she had a couple of boyfriends, and I really found my confidence and went from being quite shy to becoming known for being very promiscuous and having quite 'experimental' sexual experiences and tastes - I'm bisexual and enjoy BDSM now and then (think whips and chains, I'm what they would call a 'switch' in kinky circles). We stayed in touch, and we're both in a very close circle of old school friends and we still hang out all the time when we're not studying in various universities across Europe. I don't think she knows the extent of my feelings towards her.

Now I thought that after this night either we would take our friendship to another level, or that it would be irreparably damaged... To my surprise neither of these things happened, we talked the next morning and it didn't even seem a little bit awkward. I think I said something like "so what do we do now?" and she said that with her working away for a few weeks and me working 11-hour days for the week after that that we probably wouldn't be able to see much of each other in the near future and that we should just "see how it goes" (I think those were the words). I didn't really give it much thought at the time, I was probably just relieved that there was no weirdness between us and I had a few other important things on my mind...

Now we're both hanging out a lot together again, pretty much every day for the last week or so, but usually with various other people from within our wider group of friends. We did have a day alone together last Friday when we went to see the Olympics in London, I can't quite remember what brought this up, but at some point she jokingly said "I'm too sexually intimidated by you" (I laughed and said "who isn't?") Anyway, I just can’t quite figure out what is going on or what she is thinking. I'm worried that she might think that I thought of sleeping with her as some sort of emotionless one-night-stand, but then I'm also worried that maybe she wanted that and is happy that I haven't let it affect our very close friendship by falling for her too much (though I think I have.) I'm also worried that she might like me back but is put off by my reputation for being some sort of sexual deviant, because frankly I would be very happy in relatively vanilla monogamy if she wanted to give it a shot with me...

I'm self-confessed useless at stuff like this I'm afraid. I have no idea what to do. I think I love this girl, I've always had a thing for her and pretty much no one else, but I value her friendship a lot and don't want to ruin it.

Sorry for the long post. I'd appreciate any input from fresh, outside eyes.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Don't bring up feelings. Try to hook up with her again..when neither of you is rolling or drunk, maybe a have a few drinks but not blacked out.

[Maple1714]

Hmmmm...maybe you do lover her? Plan something with her...just the 2 of you and spend the night together again. Put the moves on her again and right before you have sex tell her you care about her and that it's not just a sex thing to you. Be honest with her. You never know she might be in to the S&M stuff too...you just have to show her.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

DO NOT get all gushy right before you have sex.

[Maple1714]

Not all gushy! but they have been friends for a while so he should just be up front about his feelings. Women like a little emotion from guys...its romantic.

[TheCafeTerrace]

Would it maybe be better after sex? A spooning conversation maybe? This is all assuming she does even want to sleep with me again, which would be dangerous optimism on my part. She has actually slept with someone else since sleeping with me.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Nothing wrong with showing emotion, but I don't think it would suit him to bring it up, especially right before sex. The guy says he thinks he's fallen hard..that's gonna sound gushy. I think he should wait for some sort of sober reaffirmation before bringing up feelings or just wait for her to do it.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

No, not a spooning conversation either. Given that she's already slept with someone else, I think you should just keep having sex with her and other girls, until she brings it up. If you start sleeping together a lot and spending a lot of time together, then bring it up. Otherwise, keep after other girls..and dudes I guess since you're into that too, but I suggest you stick to chicks for now.

[TheCafeTerrace]

I've just been thinking if I did sleep with her in the near future (big 'if') maybe I could ask her on a date or something, and actually use the word "date" so she knows it's not just a friend thing. That way I can guage if it's just a ****buddy thing if she says no, but it doesn't give too much away if she does want to keep it casual, thus (hopefully) not ****ing up the friendship? How does that sound?

... Christ, I've never even asked anyone on a date before. It'll be a new experience for me. :S

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I don't think you even need to use the word date. Make sure she knows its a date with physical contact. Kiss, grab her, whatever. You've already ****ed her so you should be comfortable kissing her or holding her hand or whatever. Just start trying to spend more time with her, and see if goes with it or pushes you away. I still think you should be after other girls, until you have something concrete established with this one.

[TheCafeTerrace]

Hmm, the other issue is that we both leave again for university for another year in cities the opposite sides of England, which means after September we'll probably only be able to see each other once a month tops. I don't want to give the impression that she is just one of the people who I shag now and then but don't particularly have much of an emotional connection to (which is the case with most of the people I sleep with to be honest). I have had a few friends who were ****buddies before - she knows about them, we talk all the time. To my horror she actually met three of them at the party we went to when we got high and hooked up. What I don't particularly want is for her to think of herself as one of those.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Well, that is a good job of explaining your feelings without makings yourself sound like a bitch. Break it down to her like you have right here, but wait until you hook up a few more times before doing so.

[TheCafeTerrace]

... yeah, think I'll do that. Thanks.

[Wakeup]

Use the word DATE and make sure she knows your intentions. If you love this girl the way you THINK you do then you will not treat her like one of the lacking in self-worth that you can pick up by buying her a drink and negging her.

She deserves some respect and if you are so confident then why are you so afraid of honest, open and respectful communication with her? If she doesn't want a relationship with you and only wants to be your sex partner then take her down off that pedestal you've had her on and keep your emotions out of it. Sex is sex it's not love.

[Maple1714]

Sounds like you really care for her...so just tell her. Tell her whenever you feel the time is right. Honestly when two people really care for one another there are no rules....there are not steps to follow....just be yourself and speak your mind. Don't be afraid of anything bc if she feels the same way as you do nothing else really matters besides being open, honest, and having fun!