Friends with benefits, confusion, and my ex girlfriend of 8 years

[Yogurtman]

Please forgive the length of this post. My story is a bit complicated.

Let me give you some back story.

About 8 years ago I found this girl on a forum. Our conversations on MSN messenger turned into talking on the phone. This went on for about 2 years without ever physically being with each other or seeing each other (although we did see pictures of each other) because she lived in a different state. We used to talk to each other every single day. We used to say we loved the other every day. Anyway, we finally met after those 2 first years and started to actually date. This went on for about 5-6 years. We would go to the beach, out to dinner, to the movies, etc. But we would always return to our homes in the end. We never lived together.

Before we finally started having sex with each other, which was about 4-5 years ago, we were both virgins and neither of us had ever been in a serious relationship.

Alright, so here's the thing. For the past 3 years this girl has been dumping me and then getting back together with me (partly because she missed me and partly because I pursued her after the breakup). We would have some sort of argument over the phone, and it would end with her saying something along the lines of, "I no longer love you; and I don't want to talk to you ever again." Then a week would pass and we would make up and be back together again. This would happen every 1-5 months (for the past 3 years). She would also sometimes say to me that the only reason she makes up with me is because she feels guilty about how much she hurts me when she does leave me. She has pretty mush said everything under the sun for why she breaks up with me, "I no longer love you," "I don't see you that way anymore," but then when we would get back together she would say, "I didn't mean what I said," "I'm flighty," "When I break up with you I notice you try harder," "I missed you," etc. These explanations are over the course of years.

Regardless, just recently, we broke up again. She didn't talk to me for a week (wouldn't return my calls), but instead of doing nothing but trying to call her (and waiting to see if she would call back), I decided to drive to where she lived to confront her (150 miles away). I brought flowers and I apologized. When she saw me she was shocked and took me aside to talk. She told me she loved me and even missed me, but that our relationship was unhealthy. She also told me that she thinks there may be something missing between us. There's also a few other things, like the fact that I've been unemployed for years and that she's more educated than me. I also have no money and live with my parents (she lives with her parents too, but it's out of convenience rather than necessity). Put simply, I'm a loser. A man child. Although she didn't say this to me in such a direct way.

However, she invited me to stay at her house (because she said she would feel bad about me driving all the way back) for the night. I stayed at her house and we had sex. We also discussed our relationship in bed and we had both agreed that from now on we would just be friends who "occasionally had sex with each other."

Even more recently, we just saw each other again. We went out for the day and when we came back we had very passionate sex. She even remarked that it was the best sex we have ever had. In the moment, when we were having sex, I said "I love you," to which she gave me a conflicted look and began stuttering out the words, "I love you," but before she finished, I kissed her and said she didn't have to say anything. Then she said, "I love ****ing you though." To which I sort of jokingly replied, "Good enough." Before I left to go back home, we made plans to see each other again. By the way, during my stay, we would frequently kiss and embrace. And when we were out together, I told her how she could easily find a handsome guy if she just put herself out there (she was complaining how nobody has ever asked her out). She replied to that by saying she was in the car with a handsome guy already. The reason I said she could easily find a guy is because I didn't want her to think my feelings would be hurt if she started dating other people (which I expect is going to happen), even though they would be. I did this because in the past, when I told her how much I was hurting, it would push her away. So now I'm just keeping things to myself and watching what happens.

One last thing. This girl has put up with me not being employed for years and she and has told me how much she didn't like it. Even so, she once told me that even if I did get my s*** together, she still felt that there might still be something missing between us. I don't know what to believe though because her feelings seem to be all over the place.

My question is, what the hell should I do? I'm confused. Does this girl still love me? Should I move on? Should I get my s*** together and then see how she reacts? I just don't know what to do and the pain I'm feeling right now is horrible. I'm just afraid that we have passed this point where she is thinking about looking for somebody better, but will in the meantime have sex with me until she finds that somebody. I think she may be desperate and lonely, so she doesn't want to completely let go of me until she finds somebody else. Additionally, for your information, when we were together I know for certain that she wasn't cheating on me or anything. She isn't that type at all. I'm not saying I don't think it's in her, but rather, she's too insecure.

Thanks.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Keep ****ing her occasionally while you look for another girl, and get your shit together.

The problem here is the distance.

[TheCafeTerrace]

You sound like a real gentleman, there's clearly great affection between you both. I think though that you both need to branch out a bit because you seem to have a habbit of stifling each other and then becoming dependent on one another. Just shag each other now and then if you really want to, but also get back in the game yourself. Try to meet someone else, see how that goes. You're still pretty young, just live life and enjoy it.

[Sovereign88]

Wow, this is crazy but it is only complicated because of your emotional attachment from having known this girl and having been intimate with her for so long.

1. I think you know in your heart of hearts that you are being used for sexual gratification, which is painful because you have deeper feelings and it seems you want a REAL committed realationship with her which is not going to happen. If it has not become a serious relationship after all these years, then it will never become one in the years to come...You are doing yourself more emotional and mental harm than good because with the mixed signals and the constant break ups and make ups, you never have a chance to officially get over her which means that even if you wanted to move on and date a woman who wants the level of committment that you want, you wouldn't be able to.

2. You say that you have been unemployed for years. Is this due to lack of personal motivation?? If so then you should get a career FOR YOURSELF and your own sense of achievement, NOT FOR HER. If she truly saw a future with you (like marriage) then she would encourage you to look into educational programs or other recources that would get you on track to having career. But it seems like she put up with your unemployment because the relationship was purely sexual for her so your future and success was irrelevant to her...If you have no disability, I encourage you to find out what your God-given talents are and then schedule an appointment with a career counselor at a community college or university and go from there. Having a career and being independent is more important than maintaining your friends with benefits fling.

So, in a nutshell, please let her go because she is using you and does not feel the same way and see a career counselor at a community college or university so that you can focus your energy on something constructive.

Hope this helps!

[Maple1714]

Be strong and tell her to **** off. Love yourself before someone else....really think about what that means. I read once that if you truly love yourself then you will never fell unrequited love from anyone...bc you just won't find yourself in those types of situations.