Matters of trust

[Ange Barnes]

I am not going to comment or judge re the intricacies of the situation (we are only human after all), however I think the woman in question needs to sort her own head and heart out before she entertains relations with her ex, present or future beaus. Low self-esteem / insecurities make us fearful and capable of being someone we may not want to be.

[larry1982]

I probably wouldn't be as upset with her if I didn't sleep with her. That's a good point. I had just felt that had she told me upfront, in the beginning, that she had been with him, it would have been more forthcoming and honest. . Had she done so and if she called it rape, she would have had my complete understanding and support. Maybe it wasn't my business in that I was prying and nosey. I don't know. I do love her. I was in love with when I was 12, as ridiculous as that sounds. I really was.
Some of the link you sent does apply to me. I have a tendency to try and "repair" things based upon whatever inadequacy I have perhaps. It would be so hard to step back now. I'm not sure she would want that either. Codependency with her husband extending so far and no end in sight is probably a good reason for me to step back. There is no doubt she sees me as her Knight, and perhaps subconsciously I see myself as that too.

[IndiReloaded]

I probably wouldn't be as upset with her if I didn't sleep with her. That's a good point. I had just felt that had she told me upfront, in the beginning, that she had been with him, it would have been more forthcoming and honest. . Had she done so and if she called it rape, she would have had my complete understanding and support. Maybe it wasn't my business in that I was prying and nosey. I don't know. I do love her. I was in love with when I was 12, as ridiculous as that sounds. I really was.
Some of the link you sent does apply to me. I have a tendency to try and "repair" things based upon whatever inadequacy I have perhaps. It would be so hard to step back now. I'm not sure she would want that either. Codependency with her husband extending so far and no end in sight is probably a good reason for me to step back. There is no doubt she sees me as her Knight, and perhaps subconsciously I see myself as that too.

Noone here really knows about the sex thing. Perhaps she is a confused skank giving you a line, or perhaps she was so ashamed of what happened (abusive relationships do this) she couldn't bring herself to tell you. Irrational as it seems, shame is a pretty common feeling after rape. Refer back to my previous post re: expectations on her state of judgement. Again, not excusing her behaviour, we all agree its wrong. But you are the best judge of what her motives are/were in not telling you and therefore her true character, not us.

Being her shining knight means that she will transfer her codependency to you. With all the issues that entails. When she gets healthy, and she must, to ensure her next (i.e. yours) relationship survives, she won't want you anymore. You are stuck either way: codependent, unhealthy relationship or giving her space to recover.

Again, I suggest dialing things waaay back. I'm not a big fan of it, but in this case I would strongly suggest counselling. She needs to figure out what made her choose to stay with this guy for so long. Fix whatever is broke in her about this or at least be very aware its a weakness in her.

Good luck.

[nackyBowBow]

OMG, take a chill pill! She's been through enough!!! Why WOULD she tell you?!? I'm sure the memory of it alone is painful enough. Cut the poor gal some slack!!!