Relationship changed- I don't know why

[AskingQ]

I have been with a guy for about a year, and we recently moved in together. Things were great before that. He was really sweet and made me feel loved, wanted, and appreciated, and I tried to make sure I made him feel that way, too. There were differences in how we saw things, but overall it was really good. Things changed around the time we moved in together and I am baffled. When I try to talk to him about it, sometimes he seems not to think anything has changed, other times he offers some sort of explanation, usually related to something external to the relationship. My impression is that he's not really sure why things have changed either. Anyway, I think I'm approaching the relationship pretty much the same way I always have, but he is treating me differently. It's gotten worse over time, and talking to him about it, if anyway, seems to make it worse. He no longer wants me much, usually wants to do his own thing, when he's home, and doesn't say or do the nice things that he used to. He says it has nothing to do with me, but I don't know what I'm supposed to think? Every few/several days, there is a day where he seems like his old self. I'm getting very unhappy. I love him, but I don't want to keep feeling sad and lonely. Does anyone have any advice/insight? Thanks.

[surfhb]

Welcome to the world of interpersonal relations.

You both need to work really hard to discuss and work out the issues. If he is unable to or refuses to understand your needs them the relationship has failed. You cant make him do what you want.....he needs to want to do it.

Have you offered conseling to him? It's seems he may need a fire under his butt

My marriage failed because I wasn't listening to her needs and never considered the consequences. Probably not what you want to hear but just giving you my perspective.

[AskingQ]

Thanks. I did ask about counseling, and he did agree to go, but it's almost impossible to find a time that works with his work schedule. I'll keep trying though.

I just don't get it. I don't know how he can not see that he's being different. I do get the impression that he is one of those people who doesn't necessarily think through the consequences of how he interacts with women until after the consequences whap him upside the head, from what he's told me of his past. But I would have thought he'd have learned from that. In the beginning he was very giving. Now I feel like he says no to almost anything I want that's important to me. I know he's been under a lot of stress, but I don't like feeling like I'm near the end of the priority list.

[smackie9]

I think all you two need is space. This usually happens when you see each other constantly on your down time. It's good to have a life outside the relationship, to go do your own thing, hang out with your own friends, pick up a hobby.

The biggest fear that guys have about relationships, is boredom. If all of a sudden things are routine and getting too comfortable, things start to get stale....you don't get to miss each other like before, you are in each other's space, having to share everything, it can have a real negative effect on your relationship.

Another thing that could be the cause of this is not having enough compatibility. It's not about getting along, hell anyone can do that, but you need share the sme point of view, same interests and passions. You need to have a lot in common to stay together for the long haul, and especially when the "honeymoon" stage of the relationship is over, because when the passion dies down you start to see what is there or what isn't there.

[rappelz]

No matter how change along with model, you should keep your own character, if need to also can a little change some way, but you are still you, don't change your nature.

[AskingQ]

Space makes sense. It's something that he's mentioned. It's just hard to figure out how to best do that living in the same house. And I admit I have trouble giving space when I already feel unwanted. But sometimes it's when things are hardest to do that they most need to be done. It's weird though. I wanted to spend a couple of days with a friend to clear my head, and he didn't seem too keen on the idea. But maybe that's different to him...like a sign of the relationship failing. I think moving in together has been a big change for him after living along for a long time, but I don't really relate to it, even though I'm trying to.

[Ange Barnes]

Mmm a tough one and I feel for you... I think if this is the direction he is intending on taking long term then you need to consider whether the relationship is for you. He owes it to you to sit down and have a 'real' talk about the situation. Attempt to keep the emotion out of it, but have clear points (perhaps written down previously) which you can seriously discuss. Future, external factors etc. Tell him how the situation is making you feel!

[Boisdevie]

He says he's ok with counselling but his work schedule makes it difficult. It is was a priority surely he'd find a way?

[Ange Barnes]

Yes find a way! Though I think it is preferable to 'seriously' attempt a two party discussion before having to consult a third. Counselling after one year!?