How do I stop obsessing over a girl? Help :(

[guitarman17]

I'm a rising junior in college (young I know) and am about as unhappy as could be.

Besides being unhappy about the school and program I'm doing (a top 5 ranked engineering program), I've become obsessive over a girl I met this summer, and can't get over her.
I've only had 2 girlfriends and casual things with around 3 other girls, so that could be a contributing factor...but I never had this problem with any of them.

Now I'm back to college in a different state and she's about to start her freshman year at an Ivy league..
The bottom line is, I admit it, I'm obsessed, and I feel like I can recognize all the problems I'm having. I am totally guilty of putting her on a pedestal - I think she's the most intelligent, fun, beautiful girl I've ever met, and we share so many of the same interests..I am also guilty of thinking 'she's the only girl I could be happy with'.

Before we parted ways at the end of the summer, I asked her if she thought we'd ever date (probably a bad idea), and she said it wouldn't be fair to either of us as we go to school so far apart, and will only (presumably) be able to see each other on the holidays. Reasonable enough..she said she would wait for me to graduate so that we could be geographically close and date. I didn't ask her to elaborate what 'wait' meant, but I'm fairly certain it didn't mean be committed to me in the meantime.

However, I'm hurting so badly now. We were never officially dating, and never broke things off or anything - the way it stands now, we'll see each other at next holiday opportunity - but I'm so fearful that will change. I've never fallen this hard for somebody in such a short period of time, and it doesn't help that I haven't had so much as a crush on any girl while in college (the pickings are slim in engineering..), and I know it doesn't help that I haven't especially been enjoying college - seeing her has been my only source of happiness in probably the last 2 years, and I'm so fearful of losing her.

I think about her constantly, I feel like I have 'love addiction'...the advice to go out and do things doesn't help me. I stay active, I workout, I study very hard, I hang out with friends, but I can't stop thinking about her..staying active only dulls out the feelings momentarily to have them come crashing back to me. It's not healthy to be this obsessive with someone and I know that. I wake up way earlier in the morning than usual and can't get my 8 hours because the moment my mind becomes somewhat active, I start thinking about her, replaying moments in my head, worrying that she's going to find some one else.

I'm 99% sure she will at least hook-up with other guys upon getting to school (that's what freshmen do) - she's beautiful and will get hit on a lot - she likes me a lot but doesn't have a commitment to me; I don't reasonably expect her to since we're not dating but it hurts so badly still.

I'm also insecure, which doesn't help things. I know I should be happy - I'm reasonably attractive, athletic, very smart, successful career/internship wise, with a good group of friends but I look at her, and see that she's all of these things + an ivy leaguer, more attractive, and most of all, she's very happy and secure.
The thoughts of her happiness at school without me, contrasted with my bitter unhappiness at my school make it so much worse, I fully admit to being jealous of her life and happiness.

Sorry for how stream of consciousness this post has been - what it boils down to is that I'm OBSESSED with this girl and cannot stop thinking of her, talking to her, checking her facebook.
However, importantly, I do realize how obsessive I am and I think I've avoided letting her know how clingly/needy I am with her - I don't smother her with texts and for the most part have avoided coming on too strong. The fear of the unknown is huge - I don't know if she'll be with another guy by the time I can see her again, and it will hurt so badly if she is - if she isn't and we can see each other again that would be wonderful.

My conclusion is that there is a reasonable chance that I'll be able to see her again, and even date her in a few years..but I have little doubt there will be other guys along the way in the meantime. I want to prepare myself for the hurt that is sure to come when I see this happen, and feel the only way to do it is to stop thinking about her/obsessing about her for the moment...but how? Distraction doesn't seem to help, it just numbs it; I don't want to cut off communication with her when there's chance things will work out; I fantasize about things working out with her, and I know I'm going to be crushed if they don't. I'm not good at finding other girls to distract me, especially at this school where nobody seems attractive to me.

My prior unhappiness with college isn't helping matters and I just feel very alone without her. I don't think this is the type of things that will solve itself in a few weeks.
How should I deal with this situation? I know she likes me a lot, but again, not to the obsessive level I do, it's not healthy to be in as deep as I am. I'm trying my best to go about every day life, but the thought of her is ALWAYS in the back of my mind tormenting me..what should I do?

Thanks so much for your answers, and I'd appreciate leaving any condescending comments to yourselves..

[smackie9]

Start going out and socializing, go to parties or join a club. You have way too much time on your hands if you find yourself obsessing.....it means you are sitting idle.....get off your butt and do something fun.

[guitarman17]

Start going out and socializing, go to parties or join a club. You have way too much time on your hands if you find yourself obsessing.....it means you are sitting idle.....get off your butt and do something fun.

Honestly the opposite is true..I'm extremely busy all the time from academics, and from a club I'm in. It doesn't help, it just dulls things out briefly

[TheCafeTerrace]

Honestly the opposite is true..I'm extremely busy all the time from academics, and from a club I'm in. It doesn't help, it just dulls things out briefly

I know how you feel mate, it happens to the best of us (and by 'the best of us' I do of course mean me). I've been smitten with a girl since my mid-teens, she's one of my best friends. I spent the last three years at university busy ****ing, drinking, studying and otherwise blagging my way through life trying to forget about her... You can't control how you feel, you just have to learn to live with it and hope it stops.

[gotexans12]

The best thing to do is hang out with other people.

[lizzy-bet]

I love engineers, you guys analyze everything to a fault. It seems after reading your post that you are taking the correct steps to help you get over your obsession.

However, the point of staying active is to numb the feeling until it eventually goes away, which for some people can take several months of no contact. That's really all you can do, and I've found the best way is to engage in new activities that you find interesting. I got over an obsession by taking up hobbies like ballroom dancing, tubing down the river with work friends, writing songs for competitions and working towards my pilots license. I especially tried to socialize with new people who were upbeat and fun to be around. Don't get me wrong - it was painful, boring, tedious, and it took everything in me just to get out the door some days, but as time progressed I became happier and more energetic. Time is your greatest ally and you will eventually get over the obsession, but it may take longer than what you are hoping for.

[guitarman17]

I love engineers, you guys analyze everything to a fault. It seems after reading your post that you are taking the correct steps to help you get over your obsession.

However, the point of staying active is to numb the feeling until it eventually goes away, which for some people can take several months of no contact. That's really all you can do, and I've found the best way is to engage in new activities that you find interesting. I got over an obsession by taking up hobbies like ballroom dancing, tubing down the river with work friends, writing songs for competitions and working towards my pilots license. I especially tried to socialize with new people who were upbeat and fun to be around. Don't get me wrong - it was painful, boring, tedious, and it took everything in me just to get out the door some days, but as time progressed I became happier and more energetic. Time is your greatest ally and you will eventually get over the obsession, but it may take longer than what you are hoping for.

Thanks lizzy, I was hoping to get a female response, that helps. The thing is, I'm worried I won't be able to get over my obsession given that I will probably keep talking to her. Like I said, I hope to see her again, it's kind of an 'on-hold' kind of situation, but that's hard for me to deal with given that I'll keep talking to her. Your response has definitely been the most helpful though, and I appreciate it. It's totally true that I over analyze everything - I completely recognize all the problems I have, but just have trouble solving them.
It really is painful, boring and tedious though...I just hope I can get over the obsession while still keeping in touch..

[smackie9]

Obsessing is addictive behavior. You think of them, you get a high, knowing you can't have them you crash. This why you can't stop, because it gives you that "fix" even tho you know it's temporary, you keep chasing that dragon called hope.

[guitarman17]

Obsessing is addictive behavior. You think of them, you get a high, knowing you can't have them you crash. This why you can't stop, because it gives you that "fix" even tho you know it's temporary, you keep chasing that dragon called hope.

That is precisely how it is - I was already in a 'low', and having her gave me a huge high, and now I'm totally crashing since I can't have her.
Unfortunately, I still don't know how to deal with it.

[dem862]

It sounds like you are unhappy with your life, and you are projecting your happiness onto this girl. You should be working on changing what is making you unhappy in your life. Obsession and compulsions are usually classified psychiatrically as an anxiety disorder. If you are fixated on this girl as your only means of happiness and you cannot realistically obtain her, that could certainly produce an anxiety response. In that case, I would try to cognitively challenge your believe that this girl will make you happy. You must realize that happiness is an internal state of emotion and that outside influences only have a transient effect. Addictions are generally considered as physical or psychological dependence on behaviors or substances. I am not sensing any addictive behaviors except perhaps stalking on facebook. You should stop doing this. If you truly have a 'love addiction,' you might benefit from reading the chapter about withdrawal in the Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous book. Good luck to you.