Do I Leave my Long Term Girlfriend after 19 Years?

[jon1975]

Hi, I'm Jon, I'm new here. Just needed somewhere impartial to vent some feelings and maybe get some advice from others...

My girlfriend and I have been together since we were 18. We stayed together through Uni (different locations), then moved in together 14 years ago and have lived together ever since.

We have had no significant arguments in 19 years. We like the same things, we have a lot of the same friends. She does everything she can for me, she's pretty and athletic and healthy. She lets me do pretty much what I like without any complaining. Everything is still good in the bedroom. All my friends and colleagues think that I'm the luckiest guy in the world....

but

I don't feel anything for her any more. I don't want to go places with her. I feel cold when she holds my hand when we're walking. I feel awful about it, she gives me everything but I feel nothing in return. I've felt like this for a good few years now and have just hoped that I would feel differently in the future, but I don't. I feel like I do everything out of obligation more than anything else. It's hard to end a relationship that works on all levels apart from not loving your partner. I don't want to hurt her, but I can't keep this up forever, I'm content, but not I'm happy, and know that I am missing out on a lot. I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this. Also, she deserves someone that wants to be with her.

It is all coming to a head now. I'd been away overseas on business for 6 weeks. I hoped I'd feel differently when I came back, but I don't. One of her friends has offered us their old house at a very good price and she wants to buy it. This would mean taking out a new large mortgage for the next 20 years (we've paid off our existing house). When she talks about it, I feel like it's a life sentence and I can't sign up to this, and then 12 months later leave, as it would be financial suicide for both of us, so I'm going to have to tell her soon.

I don't think she has any idea that I want to end it, or that I'm not happy, I know she's not going to take it well.
Obviously this is a huge decision, after 19 years our lives, friends and family are entwined together and splitting up will have an effect on so many people.

Any advice?

Has anyone figured out how to cope with the anxiety when going through this? I feel like I've got a neverending hangover, feeling shakey, tired, slightly sick and I've not slept more than a couple of hours a night in over 2 weeks.

Thanks,
Jon

[cheekxs]

How old are you guys now?

And there is notting beter then honesty.

So you dont have t waste your time and she also.

So just sit and talk to her about it. slowly. that you think its better to slow down, cause
you feel such and such a way.


and for that amount of years and you did not put a ring on the girl finger most be already sign that you are not serious.

I think she need to leave you 19 years ago!


Just be gentle on the break up. dont go out cheating and break up like that.

be honest and gentle. treat her heart like a human!

[jon1975]

We're both 37. We talked about marriage 6 years ago, it was either that or a new car for her. She got a new car!

Had a long chat with my sister, which helped. I'm just going to sit her down and explain how I feel, gently. Might have to wait until her parents return from holiday in case she wants to go to them for a bit.

[cheekxs]

We're both 37. We talked about marriage 6 years ago, it was either that or a new car for her. She got a new car!

Had a long chat with my sister, which helped. I'm just going to sit her down and explain how I feel, gently. Might have to wait until her parents return from holiday in case she wants to go to them for a bit.

marriage or a car? hahahahahahhahaahahhaaha. sounds funny. thats way 2 different things.

[toknow]

Wow...And you are just going to end a "lifetime" of being with someone just like that. Do you really think you will find something better after 37? You just realized this is not for you? That's a lot of wasted time. I'd say don't waste both of your time, and cut your losses, but it's too late for that. How long have you felt this way. Give it a month or two, see how you feel don't make this decision in a hurry.

[smackie9]

Separate and see if this is best for the both of you. I say if you haven't been married within the first 3 years of being together, you are not with "the one".

[Maple1714]

You should separate. I'f you are not in love anymore then you have to go out and experience new people/places and find love again. You wont be throwing the last 19 yrs away...they happened and that will never change. You never know she may feel the same way as you do? Maybe she is just going through the motions as well b/c you both are so comfortable. All you can do is be honest and talk to her. Space is never a bad thing. You may figure out that she really is the only one for you?

[jon1975]

Thanks for the advice...

Yesterday morning we sat down, and I told her how I feel, that I wasn't happy in the relationship and that I'd felt that way for quite a long time. It was a massive shock to her, and she was rather upset.

Communication between us has never been good, we've both just 'gone along' with things without discussing it. This included marriage and (not having) kids.

In my head, I want to try and make it work because everything else is perfect, but in my heart I don't want to be with her, and after so long, I'm not convinced anything will get that spark back.

We're going to try and see if we can work it out...


Talked to my sister about it, and her advice was if you're not happy, and you know you will never be, then get out. On the flip side, my father, who thinks the world of my partner, thinks I'm absolutely nuts and won't find better. But it's not about 'better', what they do for you, what they look like... it's how you feel about them and that's not a logical thing a lot of the time....

[MaidenMinx]

19 years with bad communication? Sounds like you both got comfortable and left it at that.
Before you leave 19 years of a relationship behind, hows about learning how to properly communicate with her? Go to counseling with her, learn how to talk to each other and from there you will know what to do. If you end up leaving, you'll both know why (and I mean properly why). If all goes well, you may be able to actually reignite the love you once had for her.

Personally, I don't think you two really know each other. I think you need to correct that before you decide whether to leave or not.

[Maple1714]

I know its super cheesy, but you know that Jimmy Buffet song "If you like pina coladas?"...(hahaha)...anyway, reminds me of your situation. Listen to it or read the lyrics. It wouldn't be a bad idea to try and work the communication thing out and then see what happens. Then, if you still feel the same way as you do now, you will both know you tried and can more easily move on.

[jon1975]

I am thinking of suggesting that we go and see a counsellor, though it is probably a bit late in the day for that, but I'll try and go in with an open mind and give it a shot.

I think counselling works if there are traits / problems that you have with the other person (or yourself) that can be changed. If you don't actually have any issues with your partner that you want them to change, but you just don't want to be with them, then I'm sceptical that anyone can help.

[IndiReloaded]

In my heart I don't want to be with her, and after so long, I'm not convinced anything will get that spark back.

If you're not happy, and you know you will never be, then get out.
On the flip side, my father, who thinks the world of my partner, thinks I'm absolutely nuts and won't find better.

19 years with bad communication? Sounds like you both got comfortable and left it at that.
Personally, I don't think you two really know each other. I think you need to correct that before you decide whether to leave or not.

Your sister is right, your father's comment is irrelevant. There are many absolutely wonderful people who aren't compatible with each other.

But Minx makes a very good point. I agree it sounds like neither of you really made an effort to improve your communication. Now, it could just be that your styles are just fundamentally incompatible. But then why did you stick it out for so many years? Most would have split long ago, especially without children.

I suggest you separate as Smackie and Maple said. Keep the door open, stay friendly, but see what else is out there. Maybe you'll rediscover each other. Maybe you'll realize you were just very young and grew apart. Either way, try to be kind to yourself and each other. It sounds like you are both good people. Best of luck to you both.