Questioning morals if you had sex with engaged/married person.

[Maple1714]

I understand his stance. He's voiced it earlier.\
That's not what I'm asking him. My question is, if he thinks she's crazy and he doesn't want to be with her, then why keep entertaining her? What is he getting out of her persistance?

Ego boost why else?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I love how you guys keep comparing it to things that are completely unrelated, in order to generate a visceral response. It helps me organize my thoughts though.

Since we're using analogies, it's not like watching someone kick a dog, it's like capitalism. If you ever wear Nike shoes, then you are a sweatshop supporter. You're also an accessory to murder if you buy African diamonds, or gasoline from companies that use Middle Eastern oil. Where does it stop?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

i think it comes down to the fact that he doesn't think that enabling someone to do something that he personally thinks is wrong, is wrong. Basically his point is that it's their choice, so it's their responsibility, and he does nothing wrong by enabling them. He doesn't think that any particular behavior is right or wrong per se, which is why he has no trouble allowing cheating to happen: It's not the cheating per se that is wrong (otherwise he would feel compelled to stop it from happening), it is the choice of betraying a partner's trust that is wrong, and he does not do it, somebody else does. He *does* enable them to make that wrong choice, but he also believes that the women who end up cheating have made that choice way before meeting a man willing to be their "accomplice".

I'm just trying to understand an otherwise (seemingly, to me at least) inconsistent behavior.

ding ding ding!

[Maple1714]

I have many jeweler friends...they buy diamonds from Canada. I ride my bike everywhere and I wear Toms shoes. Am I a hippie? This society is ****ed...so it stops with our own personal actions. Like I wrote before....we can only be responsible for our own actions.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

As for keeping contact, we worked together for a while, so we had to keep some contact. She's still a good professional contact of mine. She also doesn't have my main phone number so I only see the calls and texts when I check my gvoice account. I'll admit it is flattering, but also disturbing, and I figured that her being older and married, she wouldn't act like this.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Maple, I forgot you live here in Denver, but you get the point, do you not?

[Maple1714]

Yes, I get the point. Denver is progressive, but there are a TON of conservative, wealthy, religious people here too...I struggle everyday with my work to get people to use sustainable/US made products. I am an architect.

[InLimbo]

toshiba,

I am sorry for the lengthly comment, but bear with me.
Side stepping all the rhetoric since your initial post, it's a matter of trust and respect. To either cheat, or be involved in the act of cheating, giver or reciever, this is a matter of not respecting other's relationship status. If a woman/man is in a relationship, it is a relationship period. It does not matter if it's yours, or someone elses, bad or good. There is no reason to cheat.
You have no idea how your GF has had to deal with the emotional repercussions of cheating that may have effectied her own life in the past. This comes from environmental development with every person she has ever known all throughout her life where cheating may have been some issue.
Having strong beliefs of fidelity is a personal choice either by upbringing or experience, just as a religion or a creed or whatever else a person believes.
It all boils down to respect. Whether in a persons own relationship as well as respecting the relationships of others. It's not a "his or her" fault blame poke fest of who is right or wrong. If one cannot respect other's relationships even if there in the toilet and on the brink of destruction, this is to many an indication of lack of respect for any relationship that perhaps is shaky at best.
All relationships deserve the utmost respect whether it's yours or someone elses regardless of the condition of that said relationship. She does see a red flag in the trust department and believe me, I would too. I have been cheated on by several different men in the past. All excuses that ive heard are just some of the same arguements posted here. One man in fact, had cheated on me several times including abandonment issues envolved as well.
A person prone to cheat will find some way to do it. Whether by justification or excuse.
If you want to salvage this, admittance is not wrong, in fact, you did the right thing. It's how you may have explained it. To blame someone else, does not erase your slate (shifting blame for justification for excusal from wrongdoing). This is probably what you should say if you have not already (just an example)...
"Yes, I know it was cheating even though I was single and she was in the relationship. I am to blame for that as much as she is because I let myself get envolved in it. It was absolutely wrong and it has no bearing on how I respect relationships now in my life. I deeply respect all of them and choose to never be in that arena again. Lesson learned. I know this may put your trust in me on shaky ground, but I will show you I respect all relationships no matter what state they are in and breaking up is the last resort. Cheating should never happen at all and I am sorry."

That statement shows acknowledgement of the wrongdoing and knowing that your stance and beliefs are now different and you would not repeat it.
She wants security because she loves you. Trust is everything.

[Wakeup]

As for keeping contact, we worked together for a while, so we had to keep some contact. She's still a good professional contact of mine. She also doesn't have my main phone number so I only see the calls and texts when I check my gvoice account. I'll admit it is flattering, but also disturbing, and I figured that her being older and married, she wouldn't act like this.

Thanks for the answer.

Now, for curiosity sake:
Does your girlfriend know that this woman and you are still in contact with one another? I'm just curious if your gf thinks the same way as you and therefore there is no issue or she doesn't think the same way as you and so you hide it???

No need to answer if you don't want, of course.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

When I say she's a good professional contact, I mean a reference and could probably get me back in at my old company if I wanted. She's not someone I talk to with any regularity. It's usually just a long winded message from her, with no response from me. On the off occasion that it's a normal, "Hi, how are you?", I'll respond, "Good how are you?", and not respond any further.

My gf doesn't know, but its not something I hide(or even think about). If she did find out, I'd tell her what I just told you and that would be the end of it. As for finding out she's married, my gf would not care. She'd probably say something along the lines of, sucks for him(in a sincere way though).

[Wakeup]

When I say she's a good professional contact, I mean a reference and could probably get me back in at my old company if I wanted. She's not someone I talk to with any regularity. It's usually just a long winded message from her, with no response from me. On the off occasion that it's a normal, "Hi, how are you?", I'll respond, "Good how are you?", and not respond any further.

My gf doesn't know, but its not something I hide(or even think about). If she did find out, I'd tell her what I just told you and that would be the end of it. As for finding out she's married, my gf would not care. She'd probably say something along the lines of, sucks for him(in a sincere way though).

So you two are on the same page when it comes to your boundaries. At least we can only assume that you are as she doesn'tactually know your history with Miss Brazil or that you're still in contact with her so you really don't know how she will/would react.

OP and his (ex?) gf do not have the same boundaries. Op; therein lies the rub. Being compatible in morals, integrity and boundaries means a lot when it comes to the success of any relationship. Lying when asked doesn't change your base beliefs if you still believe in them after lying.

[haxan]

Backup, you explained yourself well. You make valid points, no one can step up on a soap box and belittle them. As for the OP, he wasn't seeking out married, engaged or attached women. Single and joining a website for people that want affairs. It was an old flame who wanted to hook up with him for one last time (for whatever reason). They did and both moved on. Sucks for her fiance, but we don't know any of the back story.

If his new girlfriend wanted to break-up over that, I'd say good luck in the future to her.

[Wakeup]

If his new girlfriend wanted to break-up over that, I'd say good luck in the future to her.

If you loved her, I'm thinking you'd say more than good luck. But of course, what else could you do if she dumped you? Best to find out early what each other's deal breakers are, I suppose.

[haxan]

If you loved her, I'm thinking you'd say more than good luck. But of course, what else could you do if she dumped you? Best to find out early what each other's deal breakers are, I suppose.

Ya, a deal breaker for me (being forthright about a one-time fling I had with an ex and it became an huge issue). Guess she probably wouldn't have been upset if the guy had told her he had a random one night stand (someone who could've been married, engaged, 6 weeks pregnant) who knows with a one night stand, right?

Well, by good luck, I mean if it ends up being a deal breaker for her, then he shouldn't beat himself up about it. I'm sure she's done things in her past that trump that, but has the savvy not to tell him.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

If she is the person that I think she is, and has presented herself as these last six months, then she doesn't care, particularly with stance on marriage. She knows quite a bit about my criminal and sexual past, so I doubt she would have a shred of concern over it. If she did, she would be free to walk without any obstruction from me. I'm not going to stir the pot by just bringing it up for no reason just to see how she feels about it..particularly when it's something I myself don't even think about.

Wakeup, you're usually on point, but its obvious your emotions are getting in the way.