My GF is in the States, so I have some Qs about American relationship norms.

[FlyEmirates]

First of all, hello.
I am a college student living in Korea, and I am in a relationship with a girl who is also a Korean college student. We've been dating for more than a year, and we are pretty committed to each other, and despite our young age, have even verbally agreed to get married (although there wasn't any 'official' proposals or anything) once we get older and have jobs.

The difficult thing however, is that my girlfriend has gone to the States (California, to be exact) for a year on an exchange student program. It's difficult of course not being able to be with each other but we keep in touch through Skype video calls and so on.

And so here's the reason I'm writing this. The US and my country Korea, probably have very different cultures and norms when it comes to relationships, and in daily socializations between guys and girls. I am aware that things are probably much more um... lax in terms of what's allowed and not allowed between couples and lovers, as well as between guy and girl friends. I very much want my girlfriend to be assimilated into American culture in the one year she is there, as I want her to get along well with friends and improve her English skills quickly (which is the primary reason why she's there). However, as a Korean guy who has gotten used to Korean norms for most of my life, I admit it is rather difficult to accept some of the things that might be okay in the States, but not so much in my own country. I am trying though, trying not to be a jerk bf who gets in the way of his gf having fun.

So I want to know what is accepted/not accepted/frowned upon/okay for some but not others/etc. in the States, as I haven't been there since I was in kindergarten.

Here are some things from the top of my head:

1. In Korea, if you are steadily dating someone, most people would consider it wrong for that person to drink (alcohol) with a friend of the opposite sex. It's okay when you are with other people, but not so much if it's just the two of you.

2. Likewise, going to the movies or going on something resembling a 'date' with a friend of the opposite sex. (The term 'date' is ambiguous. I guess I would consider something like walking in a park or going to the beach a date, but not having coffee in a coffeehouse.) Again, I'm talking about situations in which it is just those two, not as a group.

3. Cleavage. This is a tricky issue among guys and girls in Korea. I know that girls in the States wear dresses and tops that expose much more than what is generally accepted where I'm from. My girlfriend has a great body for a typical Asian woman, and she insists on dressing up 'like American girls do" once she has the opportunity to go shopping there. To be honest I'm not too comfortable with her wearing something too low-cut (by low-cut I mean tops that expose the breast enough that you can see the part where the breasts start to divide (I'm not sure of a better way to describe it...). I realize that if you have a great body you are entitled to show it off but I just don't want her unintentionally attracting a bunch of guys drooling over her. Would a boyfriend telling a girlfriend to cover up more be a bit too 'controlling' in American culture?

4. Parties and clubs. In Korea, parties are pretty much nonexistent. Clubs, most guys and girls do not go to clubs if they are dating because Korean clubs always involve a bunch of guys rubbing their crotches into nearby women and trying to get laid. I know that parties are very common a a normal part of college life in the States so I want her to participate and socialize. I guess no American guy would object to his girlfriend going to parties, no? But could it be a problem if she starts going too much? Or would that even be okay? And what about clubs? My girlfriend wants to go to a club 'just to see what it is like', but I'm not too sure.


These are the main questions I have. I know I might come off a bit paranoid, but I really am just a guy who is worried about sending his loved one to a place with a totally different culture. I really trust my girlfriend but you never know what can happen when you're so far away from each other and in an unfamiliar situation. I just want my girlfriend to have fun but not to the point where even an American girl (with a bf) wouldn't, and I don't want to badger my girlfriend any more than the typical American boyfriend.


I would greatly appreciate your thoughts and information on the matter. Thank you for reading!

[HeartIsAching]

Drinking alcohol alone with someone else would raise red flags for me. It's not necessarily bad, but it might be.

Movies are a terrible date - you sit in the dark and don't interact at all. There are much better places to get "busy" so it's pretty much a non-issue.

Cleavage... Yeah, don't worry about that. Whether or not you're comfortable with it is irrelevant. You don't own her, and if you get too insistent it could backfire on you.

The club scene - yes, there's a lot of people trying to get laid there, but there's also a lot of people that just go to dance and hang out with their friends.

What you need to do is decide whether or not your trust her. If you trust her, you'll drop it. If you don't, you'll drive her crazy.

[Lily_of_Isles]

If your girlfriend has a good head on her shoulders, you won't have to worry about her getting drunk enough to cheat.

Movies I wouldn't worry about. Maybe it used to, but boy + girl at the movies does not always = date anymore. At least not in my experience.

As for the cleavage, don't worry about it. Trust me, it's so common these days I think no one cares anymore.

And at parties and clubs as long as she's sober, she'll be fine.

[FlyEmirates]

Thanks for the replies.

I guess most of the stuff I mentioned above are tolerated in the States between lovers. I do trust her, so I guess I'll have to just learn to deal with all that. It's kind of difficult though, as it's a long-distance relationship and you're not just worried about her getting drunk and making a mistake, but also that she might become too close with a guy she meets there and start developing feelings when she's vulnerable and lonely or whatever.

But if that does happen, I guess that just means that she's not the right one, and I'll have to deal with it.

[milkshake]

Drinking with a guy friend alone would serve some red flags.

Americans usually don't really call it a date date, they call it a hang out. Like i'm just chilling and hanging out with my friends. There is no relationship or more than friends relationship. Just friends. Also there is a saying can guys and girls be friends. yes they can, but one of the other may develop feelings toward the other. You just never know.

Don;t worry too much about what she wears. I;m sure she knows what she is doing.

Also people who are dating, still goes clubbing, but if they go too far, then that's a huge red flag. I went clubbing several times and I just go there for dancing. yes I have danced with a few but not like i'm gonna kiss them or anything or fall for them. This is the American culture. Im not proud of it because there's just too much goods and bads about dating. Some may cheat, some may only want to xxx. You just never know, but to trust her.

[RexyJ]

I think your girlfriend will experience America, but not in the terms of altering her true self.

I had several international friends when in I was an undergrad. I never saw a forgein student alter their conservative or liberal character that is typical from where they orginated.

The students mainly stuck together (among other foreign students) more than a true immersion into our culture. For example (not trying to be stereotypical nor judgmental on any culture), the French students would wear the same clothes 3-4 times a week as long as they were clean (for their standards). Some male students from the middle-east stuck together and did not socialize with the opposite sex, but that is the norm for their culture. Those from Finland and Norway were the biggest partiers. Those from Asia did not go out to bars/clubs that much except on occasional weekends and in a large groups.

Of course there were exceptions to every standard, but they were always the exception even back in their home country. The point is these students maintained their own identity.

Have faith in your girlfriend. Let her enjoy her year.

[vashti]

I actually don't see anything different about the things you worry about versus the things American guys worry about. The only difference is the college parties, and lots of American guys don't like their girlfriends going to them, either.

[stooges]

First off, I wanna applaud you for being even more open-minded and less controlling over her than many American guys often are (and, just judging from what you've said, it seems like it would be the opposite). I was born and raised in California and still live here, so I'll address your concerns hopefully accurately.

-Drinking with multiple male friends, not a big deal at all. I do it all of the time, as most of my friends are male, and if I dated a guy who had a problem with that.. well, there would be a problem. But I would definitely not drink ALONE with another guy if I had a bf, unless there was a very special exception of true friendship. Even then I could understand the discomfort. So you're pretty much wit the American mindset on that.

Movie "dates"- could be weird, I guess. But if they're really just friends, it's not a big thing to worry about. Like others said, not a whole lot of interaction goes on in movie theaters, unless it's already expected that it would (i.e the people are already seeing each other, and even so, they'd have to be really into the whole public display of affection thing).

Cleavage- don't worry about it at all. So normal here. Guys might notice and look, sure, but it's not like your gf would be sending some kinda "message" about herself. And guys won't be, like, jumping all over her. Tons of girls dress like that here, and they could very well be in a relationship, or just not even wanting sex/romance at all. It's honestly just a style, and the entitlement to show off your body, like you said.

Parties and clubs: I have never gone clubbing, but I do go to a lot of parties. As long as you trust your gf, don't worry about her getting drunk. I find it offensive when guys assume a girl getting drunk automatically means her getting loose. If she's loyal to you, she'll be loyal to you, pass-out-drunk or sober. And parties are SUCH a common social thing here. So if she goes to a party, or several, it doesn't mean anything bad. It's highly social and she's probably meeting many people both male and female. You can meet people of the opposite sex at parties and it doesn't mean anything. I've talked to countless guys at parties I've enjoyed the company of but am not remotely interested in. I can't speak for all of them, I guess, but certainly it's been VERY VERY rare that anything's ever come of those encounters (only once in my life, and that was kind of a special situation, and I was single of course.)

Basically, despite being very used to your own culture, you seem to have already adapted the American mindset/relationship worries very accurately. As long as your girlfriend and you have a great and trusting relationship, don't worry at all. I know long distance is hard, but you can make it through it if you are both committed.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I don't think this will last. There's already too much insecurity, and I can guarantee her contact is going to diminish once she starts going out and partying. She'll be meeting new guys, and she won't mean to but she'll put your relationship on the backburner. May as well end it now, and just tell her to contact you when she gets back to Korea.

[FlyEmirates]

Thanks for taking the time to reply!

I admit I might have been a bit paranoid or even as the above poster suggested, rather 'insecure'. However, this really stems from trying to adapt to a changing environment, and coming to terms with the fact that I might have to be much more generous with her than she is with me. Because all the things I had written about were things that we both refrained from doing when we were together in Korea. It is kind of difficult because even though I know she's enjoying all the parties and meeting new guys in a new place, I'm still stuck here not doing anything that I wasn't supposed to be doing before (not that I even want to.) I know that my gf would definitely be discontent with me getting a new female friend from any social group that isn't absolutely necessary, whereas I have no choice but to understand her doing the same thing because I don't want her to be a loner there.

However, I guess it all leads to the conclusion that I shouldn't worry about anything there as long as I trust her. I feel much better having asked the question here. I do have faith in my girlfriend and that she sees a long term future with me. She has already been invited to, and going to several parties (I hear her dorm has parties five days a week!) but I feel okay with it now. Maybe if she starts going there every day I might have a problem but that's not the case, and I think I can live with it without being worried or annoyed.