Should I tell his girlfriend?

[discord]

I'll try to be as brief as I can. About 6 months ago I was working on a play, and one of the actors and I started flirting. He seemed like a really good guy - respectful, gentle, considerate. The only problem was he lived 2 hours away most of the time, and I was moving to the other side of the country for school in September. With those limitations in mind, we started a sort of uncommitted, undefined relationship. He would drive into town to see me, we would sleep together, we texted and talked when he was out of town. It was, in everything but name, a long distance relationship.He was always very romantic, and though circumstances were keeping us apart we had an understanding that we would keep in touch, and if we ended up in the same city we would try dating properly. He seemed completely smitten with me, and though I was trying to keep my distance, I was starting to fall for him too.

My last night in Ottawa, he came to see me and told me that he wanted to go to the school I'm going to in Edmonton,but that the program he wanted only accepts students every other year, so he wouldn't be here until 2014. He asked if I would think about waiting for him. I said I wasn't sure, but I'd think about it.

Since leaving town, he'd been texting me 3-4 times a day, asking where I was, what I was up to, where I would be later that day. I just thought he was checking up on me because he knew I was nervous in a new city. Later, I found out why he was so keen to figure out where I was...

I met someone from my department who showed me around campus. While I was there, he said to me, "Do you know Scott (Surname)? He was here earlier today and he mentioned you were going here." I was totally surprised. I thought he was back in Montreal. I asked, "Wow, really? How long has he been in town?" The guy said, "He's still here - he's been looking at the campus -- with his girlfriend."

Yup, it may seem obvious written out like this, but it totally came at me out of left field. I left him a bunch of messages angrily telling him to explain himself. His (lame) excuse was this: "She's just my friend, the guy must have gotten the wrong idea. The only reason I didn't tell you was that we had such a great last night, I wanted to leave off on that note. I'm sorry you're upset and I hope you forgive me because I still really like you and want to stay in contact"

Since then I've tried to contact him, and he dodged my calls and ignored my texts for days until finally I left a message hinting that I might tell his girlfriend, and now all of a sudden he's going to call me later tonight. I'm fairly sure he's lying to me -- I just need to hear his voice to confirm it.

So what I need help with is: should I tell the girlfriend? I'm fairly certain I can find her out on facebook (either her or someone who knows her) If I was in her position I think I'd want to know, but I'd hate to think I was hurting someone innocent in all this just to get back at the guy who lied to me. He's one smooth bastard, very good at what he does, and I'd be surprised if he hasn't done this before and will do again. What's more, if he's sleeping with multiple partners he's putting her body at risk. Even if she doesn't believe me, at least I'll have tried.

But maybe that's just petty, I don't know. I want to hear from women who've been in this kind of situation who can tell me if they would rather hear it or not, or if I should just stay out of it. I do feel legitimately sorry for her and I don't want to cause her any more grief, but maybe it's better to hear sooner than later, rather than waste her time with this asshole that she could be spending with someone who would treat her right.

What do you think?

[surfhb]

Nope....none of your business.

[Wakeup]

What do you think?

I think you got played and now you have sour grape syndrome.

You two had no committment, your relationship was "undefined" according to you and you went along with that. Had you asked for it to be defined, and had you not settled to be in a booty call/Eff buddy dynamic, you'd not even have to make any decision about telling the other girl because you would not be screwing him at all.

IMO: You should leave the other girl out of it and worry about your own actions and sexual health.

[smackie9]

To hell with him, forget about it. She will figure it out eventually. Karma will resolve this in it's own way.

[discord]

and had you not settled to be in a booty call/Eff buddy dynamic, you'd not even have to make any decision about telling the other girl because you would not be screwing him at all.

Love the judgement of my sexual choices there.

Friends with benefits is, "Just so we're clear, this is just for fun, it's not a relationship. So long as we know that, and we're honest with each other, then it's harmless for everybody." That's fine. I've done that, had no problems with it.

Friends with benefits is NOT "I love you so much, I'm so sad we don't live nearby, please wait for me so we can start our life together." THAT is manipulation. I'm not a bad person for having sex without a signed contract to that effect.

[Wakeup]

Love the judgement of my sexual choices there.

Friends with benefits is, "Just so we're clear, this is just for fun, it's not a relationship. So long as we know that, and we're honest with each other, then it's harmless for everybody." That's fine. I've done that, had no problems with it.

Friends with benefits is NOT "I love you so much, I'm so sad we don't live nearby, please wait for me so we can start our life together." THAT is manipulation. I'm not a bad person for having sex without a signed contract to that effect.

You are the one that is all bent out of shape because he has another woman, not me. Check your motives and stop lying to yourself. I could care less if you are an eff buddy but if you come here and ask "what do you think" then I will tell you exactly what I think.

Bottome line: If you really have no problem with being sex friends then why worry about anything past the fact of yours and his sex? Anything after that is his business, not yours. In future I suggest you pay attention to actions before words. His actions clearly define what you two had. Sex, is not a loving action when that is all you have with one another.

He asked if I would think about waiting for him. I said I wasn't sure, but I'd think about it.

Seems he wasn't willing to wait for you to decide. (??)


Let us know if you tell the other girl. Should be interesting to see how she reacts.