Not sure if my wife still loves me

[pxl125]

Hi,

I have been married for 9 years and have 3 gorgeous children with my wife. After the birth of our second son (3 years ago now), my wife started becoming more distant and at times would become very angry with me over what seem like trivial things.

My wife also stopped saying those three magic words (I love you) spontaneously and although I still say it to her every day, multiple times, I would only get 'and you' in response. These days she mostly ignores me when I say it, though if I directly ask her the question 'do you love me?' she looks irritated and says 'don't be silly' or 'you know I do', but still won't actually say it, even if I ask her to repeat the words.

My wife will not talk about her feelings. I have suggested going to relationship counselling but she says 'don't be silly' and if I say 'do you think our relationship is OK?' she says 'yes' and when I say 'well I don't think it is' she says 'well go and be with someone else then if you are not happy'.

Before having our third child I said I wanted her to see a doctor as I was worried she may have post natal depression. After much tactful (as I could manage) persuasion she did agree to go. The doctor did a questionnaire and said she may have depression but just gave her a list of numbers for counselling services and to come back if that didn't help. Of course I could not persuade her to go back or follow it up. Her mood however did seem to lift and we were getting on better and agreed to have out third and final child.

Now things are bad again. I worry she will leave me. I am not sure I can take it if she did. I have talked to my GP who thinks she is probably just a tired Mum who is struggling with the normal pressures of bringing up three children under 5. He also thinks I am over anxious and being too needy and that once the children are older things will return to normal.

Now I an not sure what to think. I feel guilty that I may be causing her to have this low mood. I feel upset when she is being nasty (I think 'how can you be so nasty and hateful if you really loved me'), I am terrified she will leave me.

I try and be a good husband, I help overnight with the baby even when I'm working. I always see to the older boys if they wake at night. I do what I can around the house in the evenings and at the weekends. I'm not even sure if it is anything I'm doing or if she just hates ME now as she won't talk to me about why she is being nasty.

I think 'She can't love me anymore, she is just building up the courage to leave me'. Then I think, why would she have had a third child with me and be making plans to move abroad with me if she didn't love me? But then maybe she hasn't admitted to herself that she no longer loves me. Or maybe I'm just screwed up in the head like the GP said and should stop creating problems that aren't there and grow a pair and deal with the moods.

Any advice on how this looks from 'the outside' would be gratefully received.

[Maple1714]

I'm sorry your relationship is struggling. Are you happy? I am sure you feel lonely and your feelings are probably hurt no? Don't give up on the couples therapy idea. I only know how difficult it is to raise 1 child with someone...let alone 3! Maybe she is suffering from depression? It took me a good year to get out of the emotional funk I was in after having my daughter. I
I would say just be there for her and maybe don't ask her if she loves you all the time etc....just be kind and supportive and give her a shoulder massage ever night for a week!

[Maple1714]

...And all you can do is try and get her to open up to you...if she won't/can't/doesn't after a lot of effort on your part...then maybe it will be time for you to move on?

[Boisdevie]

She's not prepared to deal with this is she? So she needs to know that unless things change it's over. Or you put up with it, shut up and keep your head down.

[vashti]

Quite honestly, you DO sound needy to me, and having 3 kids under the age of 5 to manage PLUS an emotionally needy husband, not to mention the depression, would be enough to push any woman over the edge. She needs you to be a rock for her, and a source of fun. Without having fun together, your marriage will suffer. Can you get a sitter once a week and take her out to spend time being grown-ups?

Also, what do you mean about your fears she will leave you and go abroad? Is she from a different country?

[IndiReloaded]

She needs you to be a rock for her, and a source of fun.

This^. Tho, that doesn't mean you become her doormat. This statement:

when I say 'well I don't think it is' she says 'well go and be with someone else then if you are not happy'

Is completely unacceptable and shouldn't go unchallenged. She is ignoring your concerns and that's not a loving relationship. Tell her you want to discuss this, ask her what you can do to help her so that she has time to discuss. I suggest you first do what Vash says, tho, and arrange for a happy time first. That 5:1 ratio of happy:serious/issue.

[pxl125]

Thank you all for your helpful advice. I have just got back from summer holidays with my family.

I had a great time with the kids and I took on the advice here and tried to be as fun and relaxed as I could. I think on reflection I agree that I am probably being quite needy but I guess I hadn't realized how desperate I had become for some crumb of affection from my partner.

Tonight I broached the subject of our relationship again. She became immediately defensive and said I'm always making a thing out of it. I said that I had deliberately not mentioned anything for the past 4 weeks but that is apparently too short and that when I tell her I love her it annoys her and she doesn't want me to say it anymore.

I love my wife so much and would happily give her all the time and space she needed if she would just let me know that is what she wanted. I'm petrified that I'm going to spend the next five, ten, who knows years holding in my affection for her and then she will turn around and say 'actually I don't love you anymore' at the end.

I guess I have no choice though as if I push anymore for her to open up to me it will likely drive her away anyway. I feel so sad and helpless.

[pxl125]

I should also say I'm trying to arrange for us to do more things like go out to the cinema etc and she seems happy to do this so I will plug away and see if this helps, this is the only positive thing that is working at the moment so thank you for the suggestions.

[wilsonjack230]

I face same problem with my gf. She was also acting like this but when I do the same behaviour she said "Why you do this?" I just replied.."who are you?" and then she was crying with sound. I left her after some days she says sorry for all her mistakes and over acting. Now our relation is going well.