What do you do when your never good enough ??

[lg41701]

My husband and I have been together a long time . I bend over backwards to make him happy . Every desire is fulfilled . Every need is met . He is always well taken care of with a clean home , happy kids , and outstanding sex life . I show him respect at all times . His feeling are always put first . My feeling dont matter , I dont get respect and im constantly told that I should do more , and more , and more . I dont understand why all my hard work and dedication never seems to be enough for him . Why I am not good enough ... He is fine sometimes then he will just randomly flip out and spends days telling me how much I suck and it really hurts ! Im tired of feeling this way . I love my husband and marriage to me is forever . All I want is for him to be happy and us to have a good life together and it seems like he would rather be angry sometimes . I guess I just need to vent to someone even if its myself , or get some advice on how to get through . He can be so wonderful but one little thing will set him off and he starts talking about leaving me and calling me names , he talks to me like im worthless and I have to appoligize for making him angry . I have to appoligize for not being good enough , and for not knowing how to prevent his anger and I just dont understand what the hell is going on !! What an I supposed to do ?

[smackie9]

You are living with an abusive spouse. Abuse does not have to be physical, it can be mental too. He needs to get into anger management and counseling. You can start by seeking out counseling for yourself or a abused women support group, to help guide you through this. If he refuses to get help himself (his behavior will not change without it) you may need to pack your bags and leave, then find a divorce lawyer. This has nothing to do with you "not doing enough"...this is about control, abusers want constant control, so any small step out of line and they will lash out (get a high from it) to maintain it. He has a major behavioral problem, and without help it will only get worse.

[cheekxs]

You are what you believe you are.

If you think you are notting you willbehave like that and bad people will see that and use you.

And put yourself at the last place and dont take care of yourself and be like a slave to your husband is not love!
Its low self esteem!

He is very very wrong in the way he talks to you! And treats you.

You are setting a example for your kidshow the woman should be and how men and woman should treat each other.
Is this what you want them to learn out of what they see at home?

You need to get some back bone and let him know you dont take that bullshit, not from him and anybody!

And maybe to give him a shock treatment by one day dont do anything that you normally do. let the house be dirty and stuff.
aND go for a weekend far away from home to your parents or something.
To let him feel how it is without you.

And you need to talk to him and read some books about self esteem and christian books about marriage.
Cause he is suppose to do things to make you happy to. Its not one way relationship.

Maybe if you stop apologizing fr stupidity, for him being angry and stuff will make a huge different.
And start doing some stuff for yourself instead of everything for him.
You are not a slave and that is not you position in a marriage.
Its a team work for success.

Its not your problem that he gets angry its him that need to deal with the situations right and learn how to act when he feels angry.

[cheekxs]

And you really need to stop with that low self esteem behavior. its annoying also.

Say something back instead of saying sorry.

Like :"dont talk like that to me, I asked you nicely so you don't need to talk that way to me."
Start saying no sometimes. Let him get his ass to work also around the house.

[lg41701]

I do try to tell him I wont put up with his behavior , but when I do he just says hes going to leave me . Which really pisses me off . And we dont do it infront of the kids but I know especially my oldest child can tell I get my feelings hurt alot . He can be very helpful and the sweetest man ever but then all of a sudden hes a monster ! And over the stupidist stuff ever ! I agree books , counseling , and much much more ...

[cheekxs]

You dont have to agree with me, But get busy if you want a change.
And so what? if he use what he knows hurts you to manipulate you he shore is abusive.

So think you need to let that be not something that hurt you that much.
And let him know that him leaving is better then the way he treats you.
Dont ask stupid and star to cry when he tells you that.
And i think you need to give him some booth camp.

Otherwise he will stay the same.

So saying sorry, cry, shut up etc. only gives him what he wants.
So you need to stand for what you want and have a serious talk about his behavior and consequences if he dont do something about it.
And kids see more than you think.

ok this was my opinion in this topic. done , byee

[smackie9]

I do try to tell him I wont put up with his behavior , but when I do he just says hes going to leave me . Which really pisses me off . And we dont do it infront of the kids but I know especially my oldest child can tell I get my feelings hurt alot . He can be very helpful and the sweetest man ever but then all of a sudden hes a monster ! And over the stupidist stuff ever ! I agree books , counseling , and much much more ...

Remember this....kids are very receptive and see more of this than you think. They have been living in this environment too so you have to think about how this is affecting them because they are at a developmental stage in their life. His behavior can have damaging effects that will be carried into their adulthood. They do learn by example, so they may pick up this abusive behavior. Parents have their head so far into their own issues they don't realize what it's doing to their kids. So hanging on to a troubled marriage might be worse than a divorce. So if he threatens to leave, tell him to, stand up for yourself.

[Wakeup]

I just dont understand what the hell is going on !! What an I supposed to do ?

Leave! You can keep your marriage that you think should be "forever." That doesn't mean you have to live together and accept his abuse. He's not going to change so I suggest you seek out some sort of co-dependents support group and join because it's clear that you are indeed codependent. They will help you to realize that you won't be able to control him but you can certainly control yourself and the actions you need to take in order for you to be happier.
Even if you never leave him.

... I agree with the others. Call his bluff next time he tells you he's leaving and show him the door.

[IndiReloaded]

In the end, you must take care of you. These kinds of relationships erode self-esteem. You are still aware enough to know its wrong. Insist on counselling. Demand to be treated with respect. If he won't acknowledge the problem then I'd suggest that *you* leave.

Smackie is right about the kids learning from him. Is this the example you want your kids to have on how two adults should treat each other? Wakeup's comment is just brilliant: you don't need to live together to 'be married' which is largely co-parenting, far as I can tell. You'll be less stressed if you do this and the kids will benefit from it.

Good luck. Its not an easy road, but unbalanced marriages like this rarely are.