Maybe burning bridges with parents... help please

[TheTooya]

Don't engage, just drop off the grid. Change your number, block them on FB and bounce their emails.

I really want to do this, however right now they are depending on a credit card in my name... so I would need to give them an adequate amount of time to make adjustments before I financially cut them off.... and I also recently loaned $3900 to them. I do believe my stepdad will pay me back.... but going radio silent might not be the best decision...

[TheCafeTerrace]

Wow, they rely on your money and still treat you like shite? I'm starting to think there may be something seriously wrong mentally with your mother, these aren't the actions of a very well woman.

I really feel for you Tooya, hope it all works out ok. I admire your optimism about the loaned money, and your sense of duty allowing them time to make plans before you cut them off. You're a gentleman and, even though they don't seem to realise, your parents are very lucky to have you as a son.

[IndiReloaded]

Wow, they rely on your money and still treat you like shite? I'm starting to think there may be something seriously wrong mentally with your mother, these aren't the actions of a very well woman.

I really feel for you Tooya, hope it all works out ok. I admire your optimism about the loaned money, and your sense of duty allowing them time to make plans before you cut them off. You're a gentleman and, even though they don't seem to realise, your parents are very lucky to have you as a son.

Wow. Do you have documentation that you loaned them the money? If I were you, I'd make sure that credit card has a low, well-defined limit. Do this without telling them. If they need more, let them come ask you. Politely.

I understand about toxic relatives (every family has 1-2). I also think cutting ties completely isn't optimal, especially since you have a young sibling. Here are the rules I followed when my sister was younger:

- insist on respectful communication, as already posted
- eliminate all extraneous contact (no FB, etc.)
- don't be their 'go to' person for drama. be much less casually available.

When they ask for money (and they will), insist on conditions and know very clearly what is/isn't acceptable. I have a cousin who got into trouble w/his business but wasted a lot of $ on new cars and trips every year. I couldn't help him except to suggest he put the car & travel money into his business. In your case, I'd never lend cash directly. Get legal documentation for anything you really think necessary (e.g. mortgage) but insist on conditions (i.e. they will maintain it in good order, etc.). This way, if they really bottom out, you can sell the asset. I know this sounds cold, but the fact is that some toxic families will happily drag everyone else down to their level. You need to protect yourself.

I'd also ditch that credit card asap. Never, ever let someone have uncontrolled access to your money. Even spouses really shouldn't do this (its common, I did it, but it leaves you very vulnerable). Hope this helps, good luck.

BTW - what do you owe your parents that you tolerate this? Did they pay for your college or something?

[TheTooya]

My last two emails I got from my parents were:

Your have really "done it" with your mother. I have never seen her this way. What the ****!

Son,

In the nearly 26 years that I have been your mother…yes, 26 because I gave birth to you and that adds another nearly 8 months! You were a child that everyone said to abort and it was me who fought everyone and made it a mission to prove everyone wrong. I have done everything in my absolute power to make sure you grew up to be an incredibly decent, thoughtful, hardworking and intelligent young man. I have been very strict and very focused on the fact that you would NOT grow up wrong or have any issues. You are aware of these things but I think you have forgotten all that your life as just Mom and son. You have become vain, pompous, arrogant and rude.

I have done things that have been crazy, joking, silly, mischievous things but I have NOT lied to you nor have I ever deceived you. I am the most incensed with you for the fact that you have thrown your father, your mother and now your sister under the bus. I can swear to you on the lives of you, younger sister, Nana, Papa, stepdad, Great_uncle, Great_Uncles_girlfriend, and even if I could bring Grandma back to where she never died – I can swear to you that I never ever coerced younger sister into saying anything. She brought it up to me and has absolutely NO reason to lie about any of this. None of it. The fact that you didn’t believe her – yes that is what it boils down to – you didn’t believe your own sister when she was telling you something. She told me! She told stepdad! She told Nana! She has told everyone that your girlfriend did kick Patton 2 times and that is why she thinks that Patton went to the bathroom on the bed. Younger sister has no reason to lie or fabricate any story. She said it to me as a matter of regular conversation. I listened and believe her entirely.

Younger sister and I were actually incredibly excited that your girlfriend was coming and we could meet who you were dating. I made absolutely every effort to fix up the room along w younger sister and her friends. We went out to buy the canopies and buy the flowers to put all over the room. I went out of my way to give her very very nice clothes (items nice enough that I had a tunic that was exactly the same but she had to have a smart assed comment about that too). (I suppose you “didn’t hear that too right?) I took her to get her hair done. I took her to get a head massage because I thought it would stop her “headache”. stepdad and I made sure that we had all these great restaurants lined up to dine her (which she ended up always not wanting to go to). I purposely purchased a huge lobster so that everyone would enjoy this great lobster (the plate of lobster was as if she didn’t touch it). The care package I was supposed to mail to you, included an envelope which has all sorts of little goodies and 3 pairs of finger socks to your girlfriend (when you left, that envelope was thrown in the garbage can with the socks still in it – would you like me to photograph those socks to reminisce your memory?) Got her an oil massage with Asaosan on the day before you left (I didn’t hear any thanks nor did stepdad). I purchased all sorts of cute activity kits so that all 3 of you would be able to work on those when the typhoon came (she complained to you that it couldn’t be made – no thanks from her either – but younger sister and I were able to make younger sister today). So tell me, you think I was the one who was wrong? You think that I or we purposely sabotaged this vacation and turned into an event that was what stepdad and I describe as the most uncomfortable time we have ever had in our own home. She was way out of line to talk back to stepdad and I. An incident that is so bad that an apology cant make it go away or be forgotten. For her to even do that was a clear sign that if this girl could argue with your parents, be rude and disrespectful to us on a first meeting – it was a sign of things to come. Very obvious. Yet, we went ahead and actually had to hold back our anger and disgust – only because she was stuck here in Japan and couldn’t leave. Had we been in the US and she was from our neighborhood, we would have told her to leave immediately – stepdad telling her in not such a polite way I assure you. stepdad did everything in his power to not curse her out. The ONLY reason that we didn’t lose our cool was we had to control it this entire time that she was here in our home. Instead, we, both, took out our anger and frustration at each other – because we were in a forced situation that YOU put us in. stepdad NEVER wanted her here in the first place and he was right. No girl that you have just begun to date, casually, should be coming over internationally to our home – to our private lives.

You know son, there has only been 2 other girlfriends that you have dated. Of the two, it was because of things that you said to me of them that made us concerned. Because of our concern, we were cautious and wanted you to take a step back with them and not rush headstrong into those relationships. Each of the girls, I was nice to them and gave them nice things…then because of my concerns for you to be thinking with your brain and not your pants – I kept telling you and reminding you of things. Once you began screwing around with them, your brain just didn’t work out how to treat your parents. You insisted that they were “so nice” and there was “nothing wrong with them” and “ I needed to not assume bad things of them” etc….and then about a week ago, I find out that these girls who YOU insisted were so “wonderful,” “so nice,” “you’re wrong Mom,” etc….I find out that the first one clawed your arms when she was mad at you, the second one slapped your face when she got mad at you, and so sure son– you still want to say that stepdad and I were wrong in assuming that these girls were not the right ones for you? It is easier to see things when you are on the outside then in the actual relationship. I am the first one to admit that...but I find it disappointing that you can’t seem to realize that EVERYTIME you date a girl. I believe it is called “Pussywhipped.” And it is what absolutely everyone says is happening here since you seem like you are so blinded.

pussy-whipped
adjective
· extremely obedient to one's female significant other. Also whipped.
His girlfriend had him pussy whipped.
o See more words with the same meaning: overly obedient, cowed, 'whipped'.
Originally submitted by Cat from Seattle, WA, USA on Aug 13 1997. (Edit this definition.)
· controlled by one's female significant other. See also "whipped".
He's so pussy-whipped that he wouldn't come drinking with us after work.
Originally submitted by Emily M. from UC Berkeley, Berkeley, CA, USA on Jan 22 1999. (Edit this definition.)

I close this by telling you, again, as I swore above, that younger sister did not make up anything nor was she told by me what to say or was she coerced into saying anything. She said what she said. She wouldn’t make up anything and the worst part of this is not about your girlfriend kicking the dog or what she did to the dog but rather that you didn’t believe your little sister who was telling her big brother something. Now, she simply keeps asking me why you didn’t believe her and why you think she is lying. She is sad and upset that you are her big brother that she has always looked up to and who is supposed to protect her and now you disregard and distrust what she has said to you. Pretty bad and shameful of you son. Younger sister has told stepdad exactly on the phone by herself and she has told Nana. She has told pretty much all of the people that are our friends here in the past several days. She says it matter of fact and tells them that’s why she thinks Patton went poo poo on the bed. Soak your head in ice cold water and if you can abstain from any intimacy perhaps you can get your head back to normal again. Even Nana says that’s what your problem is. Everyone is upset with you for putting your family as if they are insignificant. Disappointed and ashamed is not what I can even describe how I feel about you. And perhaps you ought to really take a look at how badly you hurt younger sister's feelings and confused her about the meaning of having a big brother. She says she “still loves son and she still likes son but hes just not so nice because he is thinking younger sister is lying.” I am tired son and stepdad and I have too much on our plates than to have to have talks with you or to try to help you with what you are doing to yourself. You are an adult – you are not stupid – just put your brain to use not your penis.

(I omitted names)

BTW - what do you owe your parents that you tolerate this? Did they pay for your college or something?

My stepdad I owe for helping for a significant portion of my tuition.
My mom I owe because she brought me up as a single mom for the first 16 years of my life.

Maybe I suffer from a low self esteem... but I think my mom has a lot to do with that. I'm 24 now, I want to start living my own life independent of my parents. My income gives me more than enough room to be flexible with take on debt.

My "plan" is to send a polite email to my parents, telling them I believe it is for the best that I cut ties with them. I will be cancelling the credit card that they use in my name in 1 month, so that they have a necessary amount of time to make arrangements. I will be changing my phone number and bouncing their emails.

Whats left unresolved is this: I opened an account for the "family" business several years ago that they still use. This business bank account is in my name. They have no one in the US that they trust to handle receiving their stock certificates, and getting them 'medallion guaranteed'. Cutting them off from accessing this could substantially impact them. So.... I am kind of in a catch-22.


My life connecting to my family feels like its all kinds of a mess right now. I'm suppose to see a therapist sometime next week, and I am pretty much counting down the days here...

[IndiReloaded]

My stepdad I owe for helping for a significant portion of my tuition.
My mom I owe because she brought me up as a single mom for the first 16 years of my life.

1. Pay back your stepdad asap. Wipe the slate clean.

2. You don't owe your mom b/c she gave birth to you and raised you alone. LOL, that was *her* choice, not yours. She's been stomping you with the Guilt Boot for too long.

Confess I only skimmed that email (it was very toxic) but your mom has serious issues. She needs to learn to do things for her children b/c *she* wants to, not b/c she expects a Thank You. Thank you is nice, its polite, but its also completely optional and not to be expected for doing one's duty to your children. DOING WELL BY YOU IS HER JOB.

All the rest about your sister is just the guilt boot. She's trying to get you with whatever leverage she can use. She is pathetic to be using your sister this way. I feel bad for your sister but since she will grow up with the same crazy mother just know that things will resolve with time. Right now your sister doesn't appreciate you as an adult, and she's dependent on her parents, but she will eventually. Stay calm, be aloof, tell your sister you love her when you get the chance.

Its sad to say, but I suspect your mom won't stay married, unless your stepdad enjoys toxic women. Eventually, when you stop being her punching bag, she will turn her anger (at herself) elsewhere. I hope your stepdad is enough of a man to protect his daughter when your mom's sights turn on her (she sounds too much of a coward to target your stepdad--perhaps she is financially dependent on him?)

Disappointed and ashamed is not what I can even describe how I feel about you.

She's talking about herself, just so you know. Chin up, this too shall pass.

[TheTooya]

1. Pay back your stepdad asap. Wipe the slate clean.

(she sounds too much of a coward to target your stepdad--perhaps she is financially dependent on him?)

I think I paid my debt for my stepdad... I worked for him during my entire time at college, and continued working for him during my summers. While I had an internship elsewhere, he demanded that after my 9-5 I go back home and work for him for 2-3 hours (which I did..)

And yes, my mom is financially dependent on him. She works for him, but doesn't get paid.



This financial entanglement is the most stressful part for me. The loan I actually don't care about. If I don't get paid back the $3,900, I would be a-ok, I don't need it. But I know my parents depend on me for part of their business to function.


edit:

She's talking about herself, just so you know. Chin up, this too shall pass.

I hope so..

[IndiReloaded]

Calculate (conservatively) what the work you did for him is worth. Add it up against your debt. Add to it the amount you have 'loaned' them.

Tell them you consider your debts paid in full. Cancel the credit card.

Tell your mom what I said: that you appreciate her raising you, but that it really was her choice and her responsibility to do so. Tell her to stop messaging you. Block her messages (just send them to the trash, she need not know anything). Get a new phone and let the other go to vmail. Answer only if its urgent. Don't expect her to change, its very unlikely she will.

Poor kid. I feel for you. But you have your whole life ahead of you. Don't let her bitterness from her choices drag you down.

[TheTooya]

Well... I wrote an email to my parents... I tried to be as civil as possible...

Mom,

After reading through your constructive criticism over and over, I have tried my hardest to find the best ways to grow and better myself. What I do know, for sure, is that I, too, love you very much Mom. From the bottom of my heart.

I have taken a lot of time, over the course of this past week, to reflect on myself and correct the numerous things that you are incredibly disappointed with me about. It has definitely been a long and tough process. I realize why you have decided that I am an unfit guardian for Maddy and certainly understand that you are doing this in order to ensure the safety and proper upbringing of my sister.

I apologize for bringing you to the point of being fed up with me… and I totally understand that you were trying to open my eyes to the life that you feel that I am completely capable of living. At the end of the day, you don’t need this kind of stress – the kind that results in one of the worst weeks of your life.

I know that I’ve disappointed you because of my actions, however, I can assure you that every path that I’ve chosen to take, for myself, is a path that I am very proud of and something that I certainly do not regret. I am proud to have been able to make it to where I am today… to have been able to meet the people I’ve met and learn from each of them in order to build myself to become the person whom I am proud to be. Please find contentment in this.

I am proud to be who I am and one day… I hope that you will be proud of me as well.

More importantly: Mom, you’re right. I hate knowing that I have become more of a burden to you than anything else… and from now on, as per your request, I will make sure to simply refer to you as my mother and nothing more. I hate myself for disappointing you… and I promise to no longer break the camel's back which results in you showing extreme frustration with actions that you so clearly disagree with. Because of this, I have effectively disabled all social media aspects of myself online in order to shield you from the choices that you have labeled as disappointing. In addition, I feel that it would be best that we remain in contact through my stepdad and only through my stepdad from a strictly business standpoint. I feel that this is the most effective way to make it so that I no longer disappoint you in the way that I have. Mom, I will be configuring my email and phone settings so that I will no longer be receiving emails or calls from you. I will do my best to move ahead from your criticism and to improve myself in every way possible from this point forward… but in order to do this, I feel that the criticism must end… today.

My stepdad, I sincerely respect that you have always been level-headed when it comes to any and all situations. Sometimes, you have chosen to react on your spur of the moment feelings, which many, if not most people do… but at the end of the day, you always make sure to do what is right… and I can’t tell you enough how much I appreciate this.

In terms of business – my stepdad, I am aware of the responsibilities that you have placed on me regarding the stock certificates and stock powers. I will be happy to continue to communicate with you on a business level.

Bottom line, is that I love the three of you very much.

I have tried my hardest to please you all in the best way possible… but I feel that it would be better to remain out of your lives because of my inability to succeed in doing so.

Thank you so much for all that you have sacrificed for me and I will ensure to live on and keep this, deep within my heart.

Love, always,
TheTooya

So... I tried to be polite here as possible.

My stepdad response has been (in 3 separate emails):

Now, you have “crossed the Rubicon” with me boy! Go live your life but you are not going to be a part of this forum again until you get your head out of your cunt! Son, if you were in front of me right now, I would sincerely knock your teeth out of your ****ing mouth for a response like this!

I do not think I have elaborated enough... I think you are a punk...you are a ****ed up kid.

You have officially disappointed me boy...espousing this type of spew to your mother. I feel like shaking you. Balderdash.

And my mom has said:

Obviously you don’t love those in your family. Youre an arrogant punk who is brainwashed and writing this letter with this girl’s dictation. Again, you are not thinking straight. You think it is so important to be with this girl instead of your family. Go throw yourself into an abyss because that is what you are doing – a girl that you don’t even completely know – you are giving up your family for her. What a serious disappointment you have been. Please get a loan and reimburse the monies in full for Carnegie Mellon and all the living expenses. You have unbelievably disappointed your stepdad now. For what son – seriously for what? For this girl? You really think that she is worth it? Wow, time will tell and get you to open your eyes. How ashamed I am of you now…even more so than ever before with this email. How ashamed that you think you are superior to your parents and little sister that you would “communicate in a business level.” My God son what is wrong with you?

Your Mom

So... they are both dramatically against me. I don't know if there is anything I should be doing. Should I email back telling my mom that my girlfriend was not involved in these emails, it was her psychotic onslaught of emails and harassing phone calls?

Even though I told them I would be helping them with their financial documents and can communicate on a business level, I don't think they would be able to...

Ugh, these emails are so psychotic its frightening.


Update: she logged into my linkedin account, and removed her friends that recommended me. I had to fight for a half hour changing my password, watching her change it, and changing the password again (she was using a link that lets you change passwords within 24 hours)

Update: she has also apparently taken off my profile picture on linkedin.....

update: I have deleted my LinkedIn account, to prevent any damage to my career...

[a-brainwavelove]

TheTooya, I have read through the thread and I do believe you are a sincere, genuine person - and from what I can see, it's your parents who are being completely unreasonable (I am being extremely polite here). They have an addiction of taking full control of your life and they use different types of manipulation to do that. Your letter shows that you are capable of love and forgiveness, despite the troubles they have been giving you and this means a lot! I think that the best you can do is keep this humbleness and kindness of yours, but get on with your life. You don't deserve this kind of treatment! Follow your heart as far as the girl is concerned, don't let them have their influence on you, it's not the right type of influence!

Good luck in everything and I hope it all turns out very well for you!

[IndiReloaded]

update: I have deleted my LinkedIn account, to prevent any damage to my career...

Crazy, both of them. Good to this^. Protect yourself in future. If you mom/dad want your tuition money back, let them hire a lawyer. Cut contact, this is an argument you cannot win. Don't reply. I think it was bad judgement to send that email tho. Never stir the pot unless you know exactly what you are hoping to achieve and why. Water under the bridge now. Time will soften the emotions.

They have an addiction of taking full control of your life and they use different types of manipulation to do that.

This^ for sure. I hope you have cancelled that credit card. Do it asap, they are very vindictive. Your LinkedIn should be a warning they don't respect boundaries.

[TheTooya]

Stepdad,

I am listed as the primary on the xxx1 and xxx2 cards. I checked with Johnny, and both cards do not have any reccuring payments tied to them.

I have cancelled the xxx1 card, and will be cancelling the xxx2 card within a week.

I will be paying off the balance on both cards myself.

-Me

Son, I have paid on these cards for years and I am the only one that has recurring charges-you indolent little cock sucker-the only reason you have credit is because of me and your mother. I promise you-if you keep your shit up, I am either going to fly over there personally and take you by the neck and choke you until you have some sense or I will have someone close to me do it for me. You are a punk. You are a disappointment and if you **** with me, I will go out of my way to **** you.

-Stepdad

... I ... feel pretty uncomfortable right now.

[HeartIsAching]

Keep these emails. If he shows up, call the cops. You've got a legitimate basis for legal action.

[TheTooya]

After further thought, I went in and called to remove our names from the card of : xxxx and xxxx. Accordingly, I found out that you had already done so on xxxx. I will remove our names on Mon. when the card co. opens up next for xxxx either tomorrow or Mon.
I have no problem doing so. I want you to know that on your sisters life, you are out of this family’s life. No matter what, I promise to God I will never allow your mother or anyone to influence me otherwise. You are finished and you will never come to our home again as long as I live nor will you have any communication with my daughter. I also expect you to pay me back for both undergrad as well as grad school-all of it. I want you to give me a plan by next week outlining how you intend to do so. I am washing my hands from you once and for all. I am now sorry to have ever made your acquaintance. Further, I would prefer that you not remain in contact with my mother and father as well. As far as I am concerned-you are dead and unfortunately, it is not the real thing. You have crossed the line with me. You are a punk kid nothing more and that girl that you are with that is manipulating you…well, you two deserve one another.

Stepdad,

I cancelled the credit cards, as they continue to negatively impact my credit.

I do not owe you for tuition. I worked for you during the school year, I worked for you during my summers (even when I was interning elsewhere), I worked for you during my winter breaks, and I have continued to work for you since my time after graduation. Our debts are resolved.

-Me

I... don't know what to do

[HeartIsAching]

You've pretty much done it. If he harasses you about the alleged debt, tell him he needs to bring suit.

[HeartIsAching]

BTW - I've seen multiple examples of many kinds of abuse in your mom and stepdad's communications.

I've seen coercion and threats, intimidation, emotional, mental abuse, minimizing, denial and blaming, isolation, using the children (your sister), and this last one is economic abuse. They run the entire spectrum. They're doing what abuser know to do when they feel control slipping away - they keep ratcheting up the pressure.

It is possible that eventually they'll realize that it won't work, and they'll try reconciliation... but I wouldn't count on it.