Maybe burning bridges with parents... help please

[IndiReloaded]

That's just beyond horrible. I'm sorry to say this, but you are much better off w/o such controlling, toxic people in your life.

That whole thing about a 'payment plan' is a last gasp at control. I love how he wants that but doesn't want you to contact them. Mixed messages. Ignore them, block their messages. If he wants $ from you, he needs to get a lawyer. Good luck to him if they need your credit to get a credit card.

No contact. Just like a toxic ex, I'm afraid. Don't worry about your sister. With toxic parents like that, I'm sure she will have her own issues before long. You will reconcile, tho it make take a few years for her to appreciate you.

Live your life for yourself. Not in anyone else's shadow. Your parents are supposed to love and support you. I'm sorry they don't but you'll be okay.

[HeartIsAching]

That whole thing about a 'payment plan' is a last gasp at control.

No contact. Just like a toxic ex, I'm afraid. Don't worry about your sister. With toxic parents like that, I'm sure she will have her own issues before long. You will reconcile, tho it make take a few years for her to appreciate you.

Live your life for yourself. Not in anyone else's shadow. Your parents are supposed to love and support you. I'm sorry they don't but you'll be okay.

*DING* *DING* DING*

WE HAVE A WINNAH!

Truth

[TheTooya]

Well...

Stepdad, Mom,

This past week I have been going to a therapist, who has strongly advised me to get out of this environment, which is exactly what I am doing.

I love you both, and I'm sorry for everything, but I can't take this assault at me any more.

The therapist has given you good advice.

From Stepdad, to mom, me cc'd:
You do not get it. He could self-immolate and upon surviving if possible will still never be able to come back home. It is over and I expect you to leave him alone. No more banter period. It is time to accept it and move on. Wish him well but it is done.Please.

So... maybe thats that....

[HeartIsAching]

They call that banter?!

[TheTooya]

And finally (?)

My mom's reply (which google unfortunately allowed me to see despite me blocking my parents):

This “therapist” is your girlfriend I suppose. You need to read your email that I sent you and think about your behavior son. It is wrong and you are losing all your family members as a result. You have continuously insulted your father and mother too much in your words, behavior and actions. You need to go back to being the normal son the way you were before you were with this girl son. You are such a good decent person if you are not influenced by the wrong people. Now you have become an absolutely horrible young man and son. Please please think about how you are acting son. Please, be alone – think about it. This is not a matter that a therapist resolves. It resolves from within and you realizing what mistakes you have made in treating people so badly.

Soo.... my past few emails were made with hopes of revealing to my parents that I am backing away because of "THEM", and not because of the girl I am with. Somehow, even when I looked at my mom's latest email, her emails have always been obsessed with attacking the girl that I am dating, as well attacking my character.

My stepdad has been a loose cannon... I believe he has gotten "better" ? He went from violently threatening me to turning and telling mom to leave me alone.


Honestly.... I just want to be left alone. I want to excel in my career and live my life. ... Am I doing everything right? There are no longer any credit cards that my parents use in my name. I will be taking steps to make sure I am no longer financially tied to my parents... but I don't know what else I should expect. I have therapy on Tuesday... so I can count down the time until then I guess..

[HeartIsAching]

I'd suggest printing out the emails from your parents and showing them to your therapist. He/She will be able to give you some insight into their behavior (and yours) that I think you'll find valuable.

I used to pooh-pooh therapy. I've had some now and it's done me a world of good - I think you'll do well for yourself in the long run if you stick with it for a while.

[IndiReloaded]

What does your therapist say? We aren't giving professional advice here.

That said, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know your parents are crazy. That last email from your mom could be called reasonable, except for all the crazy stuff that came before. Like I said (also HIA): abusers go from rage to seeming reasonable. Not b/c they care, but so they can get what they want.

I bet you're all the buzz now in that household.Those emotional vultures can live off this drama for years now. Be careful in any future interactions you decide to have with them. IMO, *they* are the ones that burned the bridges. You were only protecting yourself.

[IndiReloaded]

Soo.... my past few emails were made with hopes of revealing to my parents that I am backing away because of "THEM", and not because of the girl I am with. Somehow, even when I looked at my mom's latest email, her emails have always been obsessed with attacking the girl that I am dating, as well attacking my character.

Pretty sad, isn't it? You are right, this isn't about your GF. You'd be having these problems no matter who you were with, I suspect.

[TheTooya]

I'd suggest printing out the emails from your parents and showing them to your therapist. He/She will be able to give you some insight into their behavior (and yours) that I think you'll find valuable.

I used to pooh-pooh therapy. I've had some now and it's done me a world of good - I think you'll do well for yourself in the long run if you stick with it for a while.

I have printed out the first batch of emails, before I had cut ties with my parents, and gave them to my therapist. I'm meeting up with them on Tuesday again. I would have never considered therapy before... but, I might have some issues going forward with emotional abuse, additionally I know I have always had issues setting boundaries with people :/

IMO, *they* are the ones that burned the bridges. You were only protecting yourself.

Thank you. I have been having issues with myself for taking such an extreme measure as to block out my family... but reading is helpful.





==============================
Update (sorry this drama seems to be non stop, and I need some place to jot all of this down.. ):

* I have cancelled my credit cards that I did not have possession of.
* Several months ago, I cancelled myself from being the secondary for card xyz. My stepdad has been informed by my mother that "I" closed the xyz account yesterday. She is the only account holder on this account, which means that she closed one of their own credit cards, and is blaming me for it. My stepdad sent an angry (not furious) email at me, demanding I turn the credit card back on.

I replied with this:

With moms permission, I removed myself from this account 2 months and 22 days ago. (June 18, 2012), I am pretty sure it has been used since then.

For months, Mom has been the only one on this account, and is the only one who has the ability to close or reopen it. I can't reopen it for you, I have not had the ability to close or reactivate this account.

I spoke with a representative, who told me that although they can not reveal any private information about the account to me, the account can be reopened with a simple phone call from mom.

My mom *then* called my grandmother-in-law, telling her that I cancelled a credit card that they depend on, and I am actively trying to cut off my younger sister and my mother's source of food/money.

... What, the hell. ..........

[IndiReloaded]

Oh good heavens what a drama queen. I'm sure they aren't destitute. If they are, well, they should have been smarter than to bite the hand that feeds them. Kudos to you for forcing the issue. They should have sorted this out ages ago.

Keep it factual. You are still defending your actions and trying to solve their problems (having you do this is a kind of control..). Let them say whatever they want to whomever. If *those* people ask, then tell your side (unless they are toxic too, in which case ignore them).

"Dear x - I've been off this account since [date]. Since that time, to my knowledge, the only person with access to this account is x. They need to call the bank themselves and sort this out."

Thank you. I have been having issues with myself for taking such an extreme measure as to block out my family... but reading is helpful.

Abuse is like that. You should read this book:

http://www.amazon.ca/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407

[TheTooya]

Abuse is like that. You should read this book:

http://www.amazon.ca/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407

Thank you very much, I just bought this book and look forward to reading it

[a-brainwavelove]

That's just beyond horrible. I'm sorry to say this, but you are much better off w/o such controlling, toxic people in your life.

That whole thing about a 'payment plan' is a last gasp at control. I love how he wants that but doesn't want you to contact them. Mixed messages. Ignore them, block their messages. If he wants $ from you, he needs to get a lawyer. Good luck to him if they need your credit to get a credit card.

No contact. Just like a toxic ex, I'm afraid. Don't worry about your sister. With toxic parents like that, I'm sure she will have her own issues before long. You will reconcile, tho it make take a few years for her to appreciate you.

Live your life for yourself. Not in anyone else's shadow. Your parents are supposed to love and support you. I'm sorry they don't but you'll be okay.

Totally agree with this statement! I do advise you to follow this advice - get on with your life and be grateful things turned out like this, you don't need such people, poisoning your life!

[michael_love]

what ? your little 5 year old sister said that your girl friend "kicked a puppy?" like on the street or something ? I don't know that's just weird.

if she's your girl friend, you must know her, is she arrogant, angry, mean, and rude ? if she is, well, it kind of makes sense. But I really doubt that. I think she is probably pretty nice, just different from what your parents were expecting.

Your parents are not going to be with her, you are. You should just hang out with her and have a great time together. Don't have her over to your parent's place any more. You guys do your own thing. And you should still maintain a good relationship with your parents, just change the subject if they say negative things about your girl friend.

You can also stand up to your parents and say "that is my own business, I am over 18 years old now, and I can make my own decisions, please talk about something else"

any respectable father will respect that, and will respect you, for saying that.