3 years down the drain?

[helppleasee]

Some Background: My boyfriend and i have been together 3 years, he is 26 this is not his first serious relationship. Although he was my first and yes he is
my first "true" love. For the last six months we have been getting into quite a few dumb little arguments that cascade into larger ones. Never yelling though.
We BOTH have always been faithful and the one thing i do know is that he is not cheating on me.



The Issue: Last night he was over at my place and i was having a few of our friends over. When we all go to play cards he stood up to say goodbye, i asked
him why he was leaving so soon and he said he has work at ten am so then i walked him out to his car. Half way to his car he turns around and says to me,
"I just want to fu*%ing leave" I was in shock. I stood in front of his car door so he couldn't get in, and told him to talk to me and tell me what is wrong.
But as always he never wants to talk about anything, not even problems that we are having as a couple. Our argument goes on for a while, then he tells me
things like don't be surprised if you don't hear from me for 5 days, i just wanted to go home and you wont let me leave, you just like to argue, you enjoy it.
Things like this don't happen often in our relationship, but they have a few times in the past.


What I Need Help Understanding:
1) Why does he never want to talk about anything, why does he always want to pretend it never happened?
2) Why does he always flip it around to make it my fault, how come he can never apologize?
3) He is not a bad guy at all he does treat me good, but when ever i try to communicate with him he get mad or closes up on me. Why?
4) What can i do to help the situation because i do love him and i want to make things work.


AND I have asked him all these questions before, i either don't get and straight answer or i don't get an answer at all from him. I know some of it comes from
the terrible childhood he had, he never had parents to see a good example of how a relationship should be

[vashti]

....???

I don't understand what he was upset about, so it's hard to say if he was wrong or not... Does he normally get mad, storm off for a few days, and then come back to discuss what he was mad about? What is his normal pattern?

[IndiReloaded]

Not enough info to tell. Either he's nuts, or you are.

[helppleasee]

@indireloaded Haha no.. were not nuts i promise, i just do not understand him sometimes. I dont get how he can just drop an issue and not want things fixed.
@vashti:
He never wants to talk about issues we are having like a normal grown man would. He just avoids the issue the best he can and then will pretend that it never happened.
When i bring it up to him he says that i am creating drama and that i want to fight. I don't no how to go about talking to him without him thinking i want to fight, i just care about
him deeply and want the best for us.

[haxan]

Relationships tend to end in two ways, a screeching halt (i.e. betrayal, cheating) or they grind to a slow, unceremonious halt. Picking fights, picking at, finding fault in, losing interest in, not communicating etc, etc. It's not an issue from what you described, it's 6 months of picking, fighting, little things turning into big things.

I don't think your boyfriend wants to be with you anymore, or at the least, is not romantically interested you anymore. It happens, you've only been together 3 years. There's people that have been through 20, 30 years of marriage and have just lost interest in their partner over the years. The kids are raised etc., and they just don't want to be with that person, or just don't have much of an interest in them anymore.

I know a woman just this past year who after at least 30 years of marriage (don't remember the exact number) told me she was getting divorced and moving on with her life. I asked what happened and she said that they just grew apart, she just didn't have interest in him anymore. It's not like she's the wild type either, wanting to be single and go crazy, she's a very reserved, religious woman. It just happens.

The only way for a relationship or marriage to stay alive is to always be able to have fun together, to truly enjoy each other's company. To not only love, but to genuinely like that person all of the time, even through the occasional spats and daily, sometimes tiresome grind of everyday life. If you don't have that, you won't have a relationship that will survive or be worth wanting.

[Boisdevie]

Reading between the lines I do wonder if the OP has been constantly pressuring the guy to talk about what the problem is. If this is the case, listen honey, men talk when they are good and ready. And pressure him to talk and he'll probably get pissed off and tell you to **** off.

[smackie9]

All he just wants to have his space, and to carry on with life instead of nit picking all the time about "problems". Maybe ask someone close to the both of you for an honest outsiders perspective.....maybe you act to clingy.

[bulrush]

First, you can't control what he does, but you can change what you do. You made an aggressive move, by blocking the car door and forcing him to talk about something he clearly wasn't ready to talk about. Don't make aggressive moves.

1) Why does he never want to talk about anything, why does he always want to pretend it never happened?

Well, he may not be comfortable being vulnerable. In a society where guys are conditioned to never show their feelings, where they are mercilessly teased, even assaulted for showing normal feelings, you actually have to do extra work to make him feel safe enough to talk about his feelings. And when he does tell you, keep those feelings secret. Then he needs to actually open up when he feels safe.

In my high school guys were regularly kicked, punched, and thrown against cement walls if they showed any feelings, which is perceived as a sign of weakness.

2) Why does he always flip it around to make it my fault, how come he can never apologize?

Maybe he doesn't want to admit he did something wrong, because then he might feel like a failure. He should work on this, because no one is perfect.

3) He is not a bad guy at all he does treat me good, but when ever i try to communicate with him he get mad or closes up on me. Why?

See my answer to #1.

4) What can i do to help the situation because i do love him and i want to make things work.

See my answer to #1. Make him feel safe. Tell him "You can talk to me in private, I won't tell anyone. (setting up a safe zone) It really bothers me when you don't tell me your feelings. (telling how you feel about the situation) Can you tell my what's bothering you? (making a specific request)"

Or he could just be tired and cranky, or cranky about something else. Maybe he doesn't like one of the guests and wants to leave. Has he had conflict with any of the guests in the past?

[IndiReloaded]

I know a woman just this past year who after at least 30 years of marriage (don't remember the exact number) told me she was getting divorced and moving on with her life. I asked what happened and she said that they just grew apart, she just didn't have interest in him anymore. It's not like she's the wild type either, wanting to be single and go crazy, she's a very reserved, religious woman. It just happens.

Actually Haxan, you should suspect its much more than "it just happens". I'm generalizing here, but a woman who has been married that long is (likely) very committed to the concept of marriage. So its extremely unlikely she is moving on just b/c "they grew apart". That's not a dealbreaker for the long-married, since they well understand the ups and down periods of relationships. Its the equivalent of closing your generally good business after a bad year ('this too shall pass' is the MO of long marriages). Given your description of her--reserved, religious--I would bet there was some kind of abuse or negative aspects of their interaction that failed to resolve. My guess is she is allowing her ex-husband to save face in some way.

Not sure how long you've been married for, Haxan, but this is something that took me a long time to understand. "We grew apart" is usually code for "slow death by 1000 cuts" for people that aren't enamored by drama.

[IndiReloaded]

First, you can't control what he does, but you can change what you do. You made an aggressive move, by blocking the car door and forcing him to talk about something he clearly wasn't ready to talk about.

Well, he may not be comfortable being vulnerable. You actually have to do extra work to make him feel safe enough to talk about his feelings. Then he needs to actually open up when he feels safe.

Why does he always flip it around to make it my fault, how come he can never apologize?

Maybe he doesn't want to admit he did something wrong, because then he might feel like a failure. He should work on this, because no one is perfect.

When ever i try to communicate with him he get mad or closes up on me. Why?

See my answer to #1.

4) What can i do to help the situation because i do love him and i want to make things work.

See my answer to #1. Make him feel safe.

Or he could just be tired and cranky, or cranky about something else. Maybe he doesn't like one of the guests and wants to leave.

I see a lot of red flags here. I'll try to take them in order:

1. I agree w/Bulrush, your actions were aggressive. Next time, wait until the emotions cool before addressing the issue. That said, he would owe *you* an apology for stalking off. Based on your post I'd say you're not likely to get it. Red Flag.

2. While there are things you can do to help him be more comfortable, understand its NOT your job to 'make him feel safe'. There are some people who are so emotionally stunted/insecure they will never 'feel safe' enough to open up, even to partners, close family and friends. These are people with deep-seated issues and the only real way to handle them is to be secure enough to let them come to you when the mood strikes. Don't expect them to respond to your emotional needs with any great comfort, tho. Which brings me to the next point:

3. The fact he doesn't apologize (pride) is one thing. That he turns it on your is called 'gaslighting' and is a kind of emotional abuse. Again, its a sign of his deep insecurities, its not really about you. But, fwiw, you should consider it a Big red flag.

As for him being tired & cranky or not liking a guest, the paradox here is that she can only resolve this by communicating with him. Something he doesn't seem willing and/or able to do. I'd say the OP has a decision to make here about how bad she wants a relationship with this guy and what she is prepared to give up to get it.

My advice is to move on. Learn from this experience. I think you'll be much happier with a partner of a different personality.

[haxan]

Actually Haxan, you should suspect its much more than "it just happens". I'm generalizing here, but a woman who has been married that long is (likely) very committed to the concept of marriage. So its extremely unlikely she is moving on just b/c "they grew apart". That's not a dealbreaker for the long-married, since they well understand the ups and down periods of relationships. Its the equivalent of closing your generally good business after a bad year ('this too shall pass' is the MO of long marriages). Given your description of her--reserved, religious--I would bet there was some kind of abuse or negative aspects of their interaction that failed to resolve. My guess is she is allowing her ex-husband to save face in some way.

Not sure how long you've been married for, Haxan, but this is something that took me a long time to understand. "We grew apart" is usually code for "slow death by 1000 cuts" for people that aren't enamored by drama.

Ya, the 'it just happens' I put in there was more for the OP than in regards to the other female I know. Just to let her know it's not uncommon since it's her first serious relationship. From what she wrote it's grinding to an end and he's checking out. It sucks, but hell just about everyone has been there I suppose.

To expand on what I know about the other girls situation. She got married out of high school, had kids and life went on as usual I guess. From what I knew of her, what I could tell, she kind of had a mid life renaissance. She became interested in other things, wanted to try new things (career wise), maybe move to a different area. She seemed excited about these things, about change, which I thought was cool. Her ex-husband is kind of a simple, and hate to say it, dopey kind of guy. She's bubbly, high energy, bright, he's kind of meandering, dull, not very intelligent or interesting to talk to. He seemed content being a maintenance worker, no one would hire him for much else because of his skill set. I think after the kids were on their own she wanted some change, some excitement, some adventure, he didn't, or perhaps wasn't capable of keeping up.

He semi-stalked her for a little while, so I know it wasn't a mutual split. I only brought it up the one time with her and she said he wasn't what she wanted in a partner anymore. Maybe she did change in a short period of time, or maybe she just tolerated the marriage until she couldn't stand it anymore, I don't know for sure and never asked. She moved on, and from what I hear is doing fine. I still see him once in a while at his job, he asks if I've seen her around. I think it's just a good example of someone who didn't want their partner anymore, even though they'd basically spent their life with them.

I agree with your analogy of growing apart, I went through that early on in life with a 7+ year relationship. I think I was fortunate in the fact that I learned which pieces of the puzzle were a good fit for me to make it work, and which one's weren't as important, then found someone who fit it nicely and vice versa before getting married (12+ years now). When marriage/relationships happen early in life, it's hard to know what you want, and then of course things/people change. Unfortunately a lot of times it's just too much to overcome.

[VincenzoG91]

As for him being tired & cranky or not liking a guest, the paradox here is that she can only resolve this by communicating with him. Something he doesn't seem willing and/or able to do. I'd say the OP has a decision to make here about how bad she wants a relationship with this guy and what she is prepared to give up to get it.

That's not the only possible resolution. If he's tired and cranky, letting him go home for some rest is actually a perfectly reasonable solution. And if he doesn't like a guest, he should be allowed to leave instead of getting forced into some kind of confrontation.

[cheekxs]

Its stupid to ask us that dont even know him why he acts like that.
So if you dont know how can we know?

How old are you?

I think it may have to do with his childhood.
If you are not a good match for him you cant get true him
so he can even make a step to get help for his issues.

Dont try to do that anyway if you don't have some kind of relationship with him.

He need to go to consul so he can deal with his past.

[Sixpacj]

I see a lot of red flags here. I'll try to take them in order:

1. I agree w/Bulrush, your actions were aggressive. Next time, wait until the emotions cool before addressing the issue. That said, he would owe *you* an apology for stalking off. Based on your post I'd say you're not likely to get it. Red Flag.

2. While there are things you can do to help him be more comfortable, understand its NOT your job to 'make him feel safe'. There are some people who are so emotionally stunted/insecure they will never 'feel safe' enough to open up, even to partners, close family and friends. These are people with deep-seated issues and the only real way to handle them is to be secure enough to let them come to you when the mood strikes. Don't expect them to respond to your emotional needs with any great comfort, tho. Which brings me to the next point:

3. The fact he doesn't apologize (pride) is one thing. That he turns it on your is called 'gaslighting' and is a kind of emotional abuse. Again, its a sign of his deep insecurities, its not really about you. But, fwiw, you should consider it a Big red flag.

As for him being tired & cranky or not liking a guest, the paradox here is that she can only resolve this by communicating with him. Something he doesn't seem willing and/or able to do. I'd say the OP has a decision to make here about how bad she wants a relationship with this guy and what she is prepared to give up to get it.

My advice is to move on. Learn from this experience. I think you'll be much happier with a partner of a different personality.

Sorry this is all BS and your own insecurities showing through. This exactly the reason why this is an "ask a male" thread and therefore you should not post here. You understand literally nothing of male psychology, you're imposing the female on the male and this brings you to all those BS passive-aggressive, "vindictive" and insecure pieces of "advice".

Never, ever, ever, pressure a man to talk about his feelings. He WILL when he feels safe around you. And sorry, it IS your task to make him feel that way. If you dont think so, yes, break up and move on, and never enter a heterosexual relationship with a heterosexual male.

From your description it looks like he can seldom feel comfortable and safe around you, the reason he turns arguments around is most likely cause he is feeling constantly aggressed, taken to task, and expected to meet some nebulous requirements that probably have never been clearly stated at the outset.

[Sixpacj]

Its stupid to ask us that dont even know him why he acts like that.
So if you dont know how can we know?

Sorry, cheeks, I'm really trying not to be rude, but she IS NOT asking YOU, or any other females on this forum.