In too deep...or let it roll?

[Kaiphuc]

Hello. New to this forum. I'm 38 years old, finance professional in California. I'm divorced with 2 young kids (ages 8 & 5). I have been divorced for 3 years, and shortly after my separation I met a wonderful woman with 2 small kids. We fell in love and got engaged a year later. Due to unforeseen circumstances involving her ex-husband, I was forced to break off the engagement last April. I still love her, and my heart hurts when I think of her.

In May, I met a 46 year old woman online. She and I became really great friends. We did the whole online chat thing....hours at a time....very typical of lonely people. We are as different as night and day....in every way, but we clicked. I fell in love with her a month later when I met her for the 1st time. We started dating, and last month I took her on a trip to her hometown 400 miles away, and asked her to marry me. She was thrilled, and we are engaged after 3 months of courtship. That night we had sex for the 1st time.

Since the engagement, thoughts of insecurity began to arise for both of us. She had never been married, and was into drugs, parties for a good number of years. She told me she had many sex partners when she was on drugs, but that was her past life. She is completely changed and I can see that. She was drugged and raped more than once, and she had a phase when she only dated men 15+ years younger. She had Skype sex last year with a 24 year old "kid". And over the years she maintained a FWB relationship with a friend where they have sex but never dated. I almost broke up with her last week because all this past experiences began to formulate in my mind. I felt really insecure about how she perceived me after all the craziness in her past. She assured me that I was the only healthy relationship she had ever had, so she was determined to hold on to me and never let go. I believe her. She also assured me that I was the only man who ever completely satisfied her sexually. I also believe her because all of her past sexual experiences were under drugs or alcohol influence, and we all know drunk people or people on drugs can't perform in bed. Plus I am very good in bed, so it didn't surprise me that she would say that. So far she has been honest and honorable to me. She even deleted all of her potentially harmful friends on facebook because she didn't want me to get the wrong idea. She has tried very hard to please me. At the present time, she is the perfect fiancee. I just get really depressed when I think of all the nasty losers who she slept with. I try not to think about it, as it makes me feel bad.

One night we argued about something minor, and I threw her past at her face. I knew that was cruel, but I did it any way. Then I told her my own biggest secret. During the time I was married, for 6 years I visited prostitutes regularly because my ex-wife was emotionally cruel to me, and I needed to release. For some reason, after I told her, not only was she not mad that I concealed it from her, she told me she loved me more than ever before....because we both did stupid things in the past, and we can begin healing each other. I was shocked. But in a way she made me realize I was a hypocrit, and that made me love her more.

Now....she is beginning to feel insecure....because she knows that I paid to have sex with some of the most beautiful women money can buy. I had a lot of money back then....and I spared no expenses in hiring models to have sex with. My fiancee is a beautiful woman, but she is very self-conscious about her looks. So now she is expressing her insecurities, which makes me sad.

It seems we are just hurting each other with our past. If had a clean slate, we literally would be the happiest couple ever. We are always happy together.... Just those moments of insecurity really hurt us.

Should we allow the hurtful past to prevent us from having a happy future? Or is this relationship doomed?

[vashti]

This relationship is only doomed if one or both of you can't let go of the past. It's kind of too bad you both felt the need to divulge such private info (since you aren't engaging in those behaviors any more). I would have advised against it.

[MerryH]

I'm trying to understand the timeline here. You had only been talking to her online for three months, then immediately after meeting her in real life for the first time, you proposed to her. And now that you've been engaged for somewhere around 3 long weeks, you're having relationship problems. Is this correct?

Whatever the background is, you were both really foolish in telling each other so much detail about your sexual histories. How does that even come up? "Oh, by the way, I did a lot of drugs and had a lot of sex when I was younger. Also I used to exclusively date people 15 years younger than me and I was recently having Skype sex with a 24 year old" to which you angrily respond, "Oh yeah?! Well, I used to hire a lot of prostitutes and they were super hot. The most beautiful women money can buy. You know, model-types. I spared no expense." Are you guys purposely trying to make the other feel insecure? It's like you two are in competition with each other to prove who the biggest douchebag is.

(Spoiler: It's both of you. You are both the biggest douchebags.)

[MerryH]

She had never been married, and was into drugs, parties for a good number of years. She told me she had many sex partners when she was on drugs, but that was her past life. She is completely changed and I can see that. She was drugged and raped more than once, and she had a phase when she only dated men 15+ years younger. She had Skype sex last year with a 24 year old "kid". And over the years she maintained a FWB relationship with a friend where they have sex but never dated.

I forgot to add this before, but it's incredibly ****ed up of you to include her rape(s) on your list of her past sexual behaviors that you find inappropriate. If you want to be judgmental about her sexuality, then go for it, but rapes don't count, okay?

[Happy]

I think you're both dwelling too much in the past.. look, if you simplify this, it's stupid. Look at it this way, if a kid goes to school and gets horrible grades with the same teacher, then gets a new, better teacher and gets straight A's, is it right to keep remembering the D's they got before? No. Your pasts should be used as STEPPING STONES to a better future. Never dwell on past mistakes, learn from them and prove to your woman that you are better than that now. That SHE is worth MORE than that.

[cheekxs]

I did not read all. But it look like a bunch of dramatic stuff.

So depressed.

And both of you have kids. So how can you date on the internet and get in relationship and fiance that fast.

You should be more mature at that age.

And to people that have so much issues cant help no one.
You both need to work on your issues with consul and stuff.
Before you bring other people in your misery.

Cause its always the kids that suffers more , thankx to stupid selfish parents.
And no one can heal no one. You need to go true the healing process yourself.
Otherwise you will bring problems and your issues in everybody's life's when you date them etc.

I dont see that both of you worked on your issues. So it will be a mess
and especially if both of you get into situations like those you confessed to each other.

This is all a taste of what you both is going to experience if you go further.
So take time to work on yourself and issues.
Before jumping here and there in peoples life to have relationships and marriages.

[cheekxs]

And how can you trow rape into her face? I think you are focked up pig!
And rape is something horrible. \So its no sexual experience of her past .

You are a sick men. You need to stay away from everybody!

Im shore when she heals she will find a good men.
Cause right now i think her self esteem is low, so she gos for loser!

[Kaiphuc]

no i never threw rape at her face. i cried with her when she talked about it. it was not her fault that she was drugged and raped. it was horrible, and i saw it as something that i want her to heal from, even though it was many years ago. She revealed much of her past when we were just friends online. she wanted to be honest, and she has been indeed. the argument was when she was when i found out she was still friends (on Facebook) with the 24 year old, and i told her thats inappropriate..

I agree we need time to heal ourselves before wedding. My kids are still small, while her daughter is 25. We will go to premarital counseling to iron out any issues we have... i agree....we have to let go of the past. I was wrong to bring things up when i was mad. If we dont resolve this, it will come up again. I really love her and would not want to lose her. She is completely committed to me, and she has not touched drugs or do crazy things for many years.

Thank you all for your input. For those who did not judge, thank you for your honest advice.