Uni relationships...

[fg91]

Hey guys, was hoping for some pointers with my current situation, in an emotional wreck at the moment. This one's a bit of a story, so just please bear with me.

So, in my first year of uni I met a girl in the same course as mine, and right from day one we clicked and instantly became really
good friends. During this stage of the friendship, it was purely platonic and never thought it would lead to any relationship of any sort, as we would treat each
other purely as friends. I had never had a proper relationship prior to this, and would freely compliment other girls without any worry, after all I was single at the
time. But I couldn't doubt it, feelings did start developing over the course of our friendship because of how well we got along. I wasn't sure if the feeling was
mutual, so I decided to not act on it for the time being unless other signs showed up. Until almost two months into the friendship, all it took was some playful
joking which lead to us kissing for the first time. That then was the starting of an amazing relationship.

She is a bubbly and wonderful girl, and due to it being my first proper relationship, was unsure on the finer details of handling a relationship. She had insecurities at the beginning, but I promised to work on them with her in order to help her feel better. The problem that arose was the fact that she would feel threatened by other female friends that I had that I would run into at uni that I knew before I had met her, and because they were good looking she would feel that she wasn't good enough for me. I made the stupid error of not reassuring her properly, and as perfect as I treated her as a girlfriend, I did not compliment her enough in regards to how she looks, and that no matter how pretty my other friends were that she was better looking than they were. She took this as a sign of me not being attracted to her, but as we had confessed our love for eachother and our relationship grew more and more serious as time went on, she bottled up her worries and just thought that this problem would clear up over time. She was madly in love with me at the time and would do anything to keep me as her boyfriend, because she really believed a future was possible.

My way of reassuring her wasn't the best; accepting that I had good looking friends and expecting her to see that since I chose to be with her that she should automatically feel better, that she was ahead of them in all aspects. It didn't work out that way, she went through phases of putting herself on strict diets, going to the gym, and her insecurity levels sky-rocketed. She claims she "wanted to stay healthy" at the beginning but after a few discussions she cracked and admitted it was because she wanted to "look like all my hot friends" so that I can maybe compliment her the way I did to them. She is a beautiful girl with a great body, but she has been pushed to the point where she hates herself and despises to even look in the mirror because she thinks she is disgusting. I have tried with all I can to help her slowly change the way she thinks, but she does not believe a word of my compliments. She constantly thought that I am not attracted to her at all, but it is completely not the case. I am and always have been attracted to her, and I kept reminding her that attraction is a large factor of loving eachother. I admit, and have to her, that I did go wrong but was completely unaware of it, which by looking back at now, seems pretty stupid of myself. Almost two years into the relationship, an argument broke out and slowly but surely, ended up on the topic of her insecurities when she is with me. The argument turned into a fight and ended with her breaking up with me. She said it was the final straw because of how angry I had been getting over time, how she felt that she kept bringing the worst out of me. It was a rough break up, as we already had wonderful plans set for our two years anniversary, and I had secretly booked a holiday for the two of us to a place she always wanted to go with me. I was planning to surprise her with this a week from the anniversary. But you know what they say, if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans, right?

It didn't end there, though. First love is heart wrenching to let go of. As we were always together (we were doing our internships together in the same area at this stage of our degree), we always caught the same train to work, had our lunch breaks together and talked about the possibility of trying again. And that we did. Roughly a month after the break up, we were together again. The love was still there but a lot of wounds had to be healed. I consulted my mother about this, and she told me that as bad as it will sound, it just will never be the same as it was. Cruel, harsh, reality, but how right she was. The first few weeks back together were a bit confusing; we weren't doing what we set out to do (talk about and fix our past issues, especially regarding her insecurities) and felt that we would skate on thin ice when we started talking about anything serious. I was desperate, however, to reignite the fun and passionate love we used to have, and tried reliving some past experiences with her by taking her to special and romantic places, doing all the fun stuff we used to do, and it worked for a while. Things started to feel loving and wonderful again. We lasted like this for a few months, just generally having fun and being a carefree couple. Which sounds just about perfect...however her insecurities were still there. She just hid it for the sake of our relationship, she told me. She was really trying with me to make it work but she said that we never fixed any of our past issues. Problem is, everytime a past issue was brought up in an attempt to fix it, she got upset and started criticising me. I would right away try to calm her down and then just change topics and hope to come back to fix it some other time. I still loved her, and wanted her to be happy. After all, we were back at uni and had each and every class together.

Until last week, when our issues were brought up. And an argument ensued about how we haven't solved anything for the past few months. It ended with us angry and upset at one another, and didn't see eachother over the weekend like we usually would, to calm down. The next time I saw her, she wasn't too excited to see me as usual, and broke to me the words I never wanted to hear. "It's just not working". She wanted out, because she claimed the insecurities as a result of being with me were driving her mad, and our lack of commitment to solve them didn't help either. She said nothing was how it used to be ever since we got back together at an attempt to fix our issues. Her love for me was not even close to what it was before. However, she claims that I am an important part of her life and would hate to never see me again. She wants to remain close friends, and cannot deal with a relationship with me since the insecurities are too much to handle. This broke my heart, as I honestly thought she would always love me the way she said she would, regardless of the situation.

I have all my classes with her. I don't know how I'm going to be able to hang out with her as a friend, the way she wants it. She said she would rather us break up on good terms and remain friends, rather than get angry later on and hate eachother, then break up. She said she just can't see any solution to any of our problems. Is it worth my time to persist with trying to get her back? To convince her there is a way? Or would it be better to stay as friends with someone who has lost their love for me? Hell, is it even possible to stay friends?

[Cerby]

First and foremost, DO NOT stay friends. It will be a terrible experience for you, or both of you. She can't have her cake and eat it too, if she wants you, let her know it is from a relationship only, everything else isn't possible because of the emotional history.

Onto your relationship. Insecurities are generally present because of low self esteem, it sounds like she never mentally grew into the body she has, and it was likely an issue present long before your relationship started. Although you might not have found the best way to help her feel good about it, insecurities are a personal problem that generally need to be solved at a personal level. She never solved them. You can't help someone who isn't willing to help themselves, she never found the positive in being with you, only the negative of being compared to your friends. 2 years went by and she never came to terms with her problems, it was only a matter of time before it came crashing down.

There isn't much left here to save, even if you do get her back, these problems will persist indefinitely.

[Boisdevie]

I had an insecure girlfriend once. I tried very hard to get her to feel better about herself. After a while I got bored with it because it didn't make a bit of difference. So I dumped her.

[fg91]

First and foremost, DO NOT stay friends. It will be a terrible experience for you, or both of you. She can't have her cake and eat it too, if she wants you, let her know it is from a relationship only, everything else isn't possible because of the emotional history.

Onto your relationship. Insecurities are generally present because of low self esteem, it sounds like she never mentally grew into the body she has, and it was likely an issue present long before your relationship started. Although you might not have found the best way to help her feel good about it, insecurities are a personal problem that generally need to be solved at a personal level. She never solved them. You can't help someone who isn't willing to help themselves, she never found the positive in being with you, only the negative of being compared to your friends. 2 years went by and she never came to terms with her problems, it was only a matter of time before it came crashing down.

There isn't much left here to save, even if you do get her back, these problems will persist indefinitely.

I know you say it's for the best not to stay friends, but everything we do at uni literally is together. Our classes, groupwork, etc. Even after the wounds slowly heal, wouldn't friendship be a good idea to make sure there is no sourness left between eachother?
It just seems like a painful and drastic drop to go from a long-term relationship with someone you are so used to having with you and loving you everyday become just someone else in your life. We even have the same circle of friends at uni. We were that couple at uni that everyone saw as two peas in a pod, joint at the hip, loving no matter what.

[fg91]

I had an insecure girlfriend once. I tried very hard to get her to feel better about herself. After a while I got bored with it because it didn't make a bit of difference. So I dumped her.

The most frustrating part is when she wouldn't believe anything that I'd say to make her feel better. Even though I would really mean it right from the heart. I guess the love I had for her pushed me to limits I didn't know existed, but even with that I got nowhere.

[Cerby]

I know you say it's for the best not to stay friends, but everything we do at uni literally is together. Our classes, groupwork, etc. Even after the wounds slowly heal, wouldn't friendship be a good idea to make sure there is no sourness left between eachother?
It just seems like a painful and drastic drop to go from a long-term relationship with someone you are so used to having with you and loving you everyday become just someone else in your life. We even have the same circle of friends at uni. We were that couple at uni that everyone saw as two peas in a pod, joint at the hip, loving no matter what.

It's called a "working relationship", you're not hating each other, but you're not necessarily friends. If you become friends and she starts dating someone else, then what? Do you help her with her questions about her sex life? Think about what a friendship REALLY is. Do you think you could be that friend?

I've seen a lot of people in my life say they'll "stay friends", I've seen a lot less actually be able to do it.

[fg91]

It's called a "working relationship", you're not hating each other, but you're not necessarily friends. If you become friends and she starts dating someone else, then what? Do you help her with her questions about her sex life? Think about what a friendship REALLY is. Do you think you could be that friend?

I've seen a lot of people in my life say they'll "stay friends", I've seen a lot less actually be able to do it.

I guess that's an excellent way of putting it...I'd hate to see her move on so soon, and would definitely not like to know about her sex life with someone else. That would hurt very much, especially since we were both each others' firsts.
It's really difficult to come to terms with that what we had in that relationship she can have with any other guy now, i.e. how we loved each other, the things we did, etc. Just seems like one massive nightmare at the moment...

[Boisdevie]

The phrase 'Lets stay friends' often is just so much bullshit.

[fg91]

It's torture. Especially when I'm so used to something it becomes second nature, i.e. when I would see her the first thing was a hug and a kiss on the lips, sitting there with my arm around her, etc. typical stuff that couples do. Not being able to do that anymore with her is going to drive me insane, especially since we're in the same classes together at uni.

[Cerby]

It's torture. Especially when I'm so used to something it becomes second nature, i.e. when I would see her the first thing was a hug and a kiss on the lips, sitting there with my arm around her, etc. typical stuff that couples do. Not being able to do that anymore with her is going to drive me insane, especially since we're in the same classes together at uni.

Survive this semester, then split completely after, diff classes, new dorm, whatever you need to do. Trust me, this is for the better. University is a hormonally-driven factory of sex and casual relationships...find yourself one of those for a bit, this is the only time in your life you'll have so many attractive, single, open-minded females at your finger tips.

[fg91]

Survive this semester, then split completely after, diff classes, new dorm, whatever you need to do. Trust me, this is for the better. University is a hormonally-driven factory of sex and casual relationships...find yourself one of those for a bit, this is the only time in your life you'll have so many attractive, single, open-minded females at your finger tips.

Yep, only two and a half months to go...gonna be one hell of a semester haha and I'm doing Engineering, not the ideal fishing spot for a casual fling Got extremely lucky landing this one lol.