Overthinking?

[annabel]

Hi everyone

I have been dating a lovely guy for just over 2 months.
Things have been good, we usually see each other 2 times a week.
We text daily (usually morning and night, very brief messages)

I am very new to dating as I was in a long term 5 year relationship previously (ended 8 months ago) so I may be overthinking and worrying for nothing which is why I am here...

Last week, we only saw each other once due to his work schedule and plans he had. I noticed that the texting started getting less and even going a day without anything. The texting is usually initiated 50/50 but I was starting to notice I was initiating more, so I pulled back.

We had a date Monday and somehow we ended up discussing about last week and I mentioned as lightly as I could I had noticed the communication was less. He looked upset he had made me doubt him and reassured me with the kind words he thinks of me all the time etc... and that he will make more effort.

Well, I know its only been one day - but I am starting to feel the same as last week. We have no plans for another date. He didn't text last night again. It seems so silly and trivial and maybe I am overthinking?


He says the nicest things, when we are together it is perfect and I feel safe. But when we are not, I start getting doubts. And I don't like it


I am a believer in actions speak louder than words, and I feel like sometimes I hear his great words etc but not seeing much effort outside of seeing me? Am I expecting too much?

He has introduced to me to his friends, things seem great. Even as I am typing all this, it is making me think I am being paranoid.
Sometimes writing it down can help see sense!

[tkdan]

I definately over-think things myself. What I find is that 99% of the time I've been worrying for nothing. The more this happens the easier it has become for me to not get into the what-if discussions in my head. I'm not saying this is the case with you, but this has been my experience.

[PatrikIvarsson]

Well if he looked upset maybe he just been stuffed with things, maybe his boss is being hard on him, but tbh he told you he thinks of you that should be enough for me, but you could ask him to do something fun with you that you both like, but this behaviour doesn't need to mean anything really.

[annabel]

Thanks for the feedback.
I think I am overthinking and I need to chill out. He did text me yesterday, we have arranged another date for tomorrow.
I am so new to this, usually by the 2 month mark me and the guy are BF/GF this is the first time it is going slow so I just need to relax and go with the flow

[UdoKier]

2 months and still dating. Have you guys talked about being exclusive? Have you guys had sex?

[annabel]

We agreed not to date others and see where this goes. Yes we have slept together.
I have not heard from him today again. I know I should relax, but I'm uncomfortable I told him I prefer more communicators and nothing seems to have changed.

Our date is tomorrow night but will be late due to his work schedule. So I'll be sat around til 11pm then go to his for a movie...
Am I wrong to think he should be using another day off to see me? I feel the bar job is something he can do without as its just for fun (dealing cards for free beer and $20)

So I see him Monday night from 8pm and then Friday from 11. This is pretty much our week all the time...

[Boisdevie]

Am I wrong to think he should be using another day off to see me?

So after only 2 months of a relationship you're already dissatisfield and think he should be doing more? You're already starting to think that he 'should' be doing X, Y Z if he really cares. Are you going to try to start changing him as well?

[annabel]

Well, we are on month 3 and there has been no change. If anything, less communication than before. We probably see each other once/twice a week for a few hours at a time.

I haven't spoke to him since Tues, when I initiated. He mentioned on our last date on Fri about getting together today for a few hours (its his day off but he does the cards this evening) but havent heard anything, no plans/time set.
I go away on a ssmall vacation tomorrow.

I don't know what to think. It seems like he is not putting in much effort. I get what you are saying Boisdevie - but I think at this point, things should be progressing forward and not backwards. We don't really spend any decent time together because he works a lot and then on days off makes other arrangements... If he wanted to date me seriously I don't think me expecting more time than a few hours at 11pm at night are too much to ask...

[Wakeup]

We agreed not to date others and see where this goes. Yes we have slept together.
I have not heard from him today again. I know I should relax, but I'm uncomfortable I told him I prefer more communicators and nothing seems to have changed.

I am a believer in actions speak louder than words, and I feel like sometimes I hear his great words etc but not seeing much effort outside of seeing me? Am I expecting too much?

Do you ever text him first? I see several times that you say he's not texting you but no where do you mention that
a) You've text him and he hasn't responded or
b) that you text first and didn't just wait for him to initiate.
Have you ever invited him out or do you always wait for him to invite you out? Have you asked him to your place to cook him a meal or to be the host on occassion.

If you have invited him on alternative nights, has he accepted your invite or made some excuse not to accept?

Takes two people to display their actions afterall.

If he wanted to date me seriously I don't think me expecting more time than a few hours at 11pm at night are too much to ask...

However: I agree, I don't think it's too much to ask either and if your gut is telling you that you're an option and not a priority, that you're not being valued for much more than the sex you provide, when you've already talked to him about it and nothing has changed, then I think you'd be wise to listen to your gut.

[annabel]

I do text first often (probably 50%)
For a little while, it is was me texting more and I brought it up with him, that the communication was dwindling and since then, there has been no change so I started texting less.

As for the dates, I would say it is more me planning - I actually am usually the one who ends up paying (which is fine as he doesnt make much money) and have cooked for him (he has never cooked for me, despite that being his job)
I have taken him on some interesting dates actually (I dont believe in the guy always planning things)
He has done his share too. But with his job, one of the dates a week (if not the only date) is me going to his place at 11pm after work where by I am usually getting tired as I work 9-5.

I would like to spend a full day/days with him but on his days off he has evening plans at the bar...


Basically, I was starting to feel like I made more effort and tried to express this as politely and nicely as I could (about a month ago) and I have seen no improvement. So I am starting to think it is time to walk away. As much as I like him, this doesn't seem to be going anywhere...

How do I explain this to him (if he gets in touch for our date later today- if that even happens?)

[Wakeup]

I'd go on the date with him (if it happens) and I'd ask him if he feels that your relationship has progressed any? Then I'd wait for his answer. A nice, steady conversation should flow from there where you can gauge your responses and questions as needed.

You've certainly been showing a lot of effort and not just waiting for his lead so I think it would be in your best interests to see if He is interested in moving this along or is he just content to keep it exclusive yet casual (that's how your relationship appears to me ~ exclusive yet casual).

Good luck, hope he steps up because it's always a disappointment when things don't go as hoped. I think some will say that you should just chill and let things go as is however; to me that's short changing yourself and curtailing you from finding someone who has time for you and values you more than an occassional companion.

[annabel]

I agree, I would like to know what he is thinking.
My concern is this - I feel I have already had a similar discussion - when I mentioned last time about lack of text/calls outside of dates and lack of time spent together. He agreed and said we would work on it...but it has not been the case.

On Monday i text him have a nice day etc and he replied you too! He was going out with the boys for a bday and since Monday mornings text I have not heard a peep from him.

I certainly do not want to be saying 'what are we- where is this going' but I would like to see things progress forward and feel like a relationship is coming. But I am not feeling that at all, its like we very casual and I could be going on dates with other guys who would make more effort and I am just sat around waiting for this guy to do something..

I don't like to rush into things - its nice getting to know someone slowly. But this has been so slow and on his terms that its getting old and I would like to think at month 3 you know which way this is going. I am in limbo

[lylufy]

Your doubt is sensible totally.
Surely, we can not believe all the words they say.
But, I think you should meticulously observe his express.
you should try to date him more, beside him more, that way you can see him clearer and realise the true love or vice versa.
But, do not make your debacle in last love damage your current love.
Some time you will scare the fail in love and then alway doubt.
That's really dangerous !
Be honest with your heart !

[annabel]

We met yesterday.
I text first as I am going on vacation today and had stuff to do and didn't want him texting me later on leaving me to cancel.
He was late arriving to our date.
He want feeling well so left early. I text him hoping he feels Bette..his replies were fine he is very sweet and was sweet when we were together.
But so far this week I have made all the effort/contact

He said he won't bother me whilst away (only 3 days)

So it will be up to me to make the first contact again when I return.

He did mention hIs female friend asked if he was still seeing me. He said yes. She said it's good u r not up each other's butts...he said she Is cool like that... she then said well the last girlfriend u had u disappeared on is....

I'm not sure why he told me this story...maybe to hint he likes how things are (seeing each other foe a few hours a date)

[Wakeup]

He did mention hIs female friend asked if he was still seeing me. He said yes. She said it's good u r not up each other's butts...he said she Is cool like that... she then said well the last girlfriend u had u disappeared on is....

I just love how all thes GD opposite sex friends get involved with their pal's love life. Check her motives, check his for that matter.

I'd not be making much more effort. In fact, I'd just text. "I'm back, call me." Then I'd wait to see just how long it took for him to do just that.

You are pursuing him and his is letting you. Let him do some pursing for a change and if he doesn't step it up, then I'd be dating others to supplement the time that he can so easily be away from me.