Seriously doubting my decision and need advice...

[reltship]

Hi Everyone,

New to this forum and thought I'd throw this scenario out there since I'm having some serious doubts about my decision to break up with my gf.

In brief, I had been dating this woman (she's 26 and I'm 27) for about 10 months. For the past 6 months or so, she's lived with me. I live about 30 minutes outside of New York City and work in Manhattan myself. She quit her job and moved in with me with the understanding that she'd be searching daily and interviewing like crazy to find a full time job. For 6 months, I paid all the bills and never once asked her to pay for anything since she wasn't working (for the last two months, she bought all of the groceries, but that was it and I don't think that was asking much seeing as I pay for everything else and work full time). Anyway, things were amazing at the start of our relationship and in the beginning of she and I living together. I'd cook with her, we'd laugh, spend our free time together...but over time, I recognized she didn't try very hard at finding full time work. In 6 months, she went on ONE interview. I'd come home each day and ask how her day was and she'd tell me about what she made for lunch, what she worked out that day at the gym, etc. One day I even came home when she was at the gym and she had left her email open on the kitchen table. Now, I know it's wrong since I've always considered myself respectful of other people's privacy; however, I HAD to know if she was really trying to put resume's out there. I saw that she had sent out only three resumes in a period of about two and a half weeks. Now, I realize things are difficult in this economy, but I've also spoken to people who have gotten jobs and it is possible if you bust your butt. I remember when I was looking for full-time work I'd literally spend hours upon hours each day to look for a job and network until I found one.

Oh and another thing...during this time period when she was out of work she was training for a fitness competition..which means she would work out 2-3 times per day and spend a lot of time preparing her meals, etc. I'd come home after being up at 4:30 and working all day and would find her sometimes napping on the couch. I tried multiple times to tell her that I understand that the fitness show is important to her and that she shouldn't abandon her dreams, but while she's unemployed at 26 years old, finding a job should be top priority and if she's living with me and not trying her hardest to find work so we can both equally contribute, then the relationship is unbalanced and unfair. Any time I'd bring up the whole topic of a job she'd look at me like a deer in headlights and would just shut down, tell me I'm not her father and that she didn't want to talk about it. After a while I became resentful, found myself expressing interest in other women (even though I didn't cheat) and eventually asked her to move out even though it killed me because I couldn't afford to pay the bills for two people. I just didn't think it was fair and everyone I've spoken to supports my decision. After we spent some time apart, I asked her if she understood why I did what I did and she said "no, and quite frankly, I think you're an asshole." I was heartbroken considering I did my best to give her an opportunity to start a life with me and she only went on one interview in 6 months. She eventually landed the job with from that ONE interview and now she is employed, but we're still broken up. Anytime I've considered trying to get her back and work on "us" I just try and remind myself that the underlying issues remain the same...that she's basically comfortable living off of someone else's dime if she has to...

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks everyone...

[Boisdevie]

She was using you. So don't even give her the time of day. She is a self centered bitch.

[reltship]

Thanks Boisdevi,

I appreciate the comment; however, I genuinely believe that it was her being so insecure with herself that she just couldn't face being rejected when applying to jobs. After about a month passed by, I told her that I still very much love her "unconditionally" and she said I "absolutely do not" since I didn't stick around with her during this "rut." As much as I felt my heart breaking over this, I couldn't help but think that sticking around for a period of six months while I worked and paid for everything was me doing the best that I could. To be honest, the reason I asked her to move out was because I had just bought a house and I knew that with my mortgage and all my other bills, I financially wouldn't be able to support her had she not found a job and was still at home all day using the utilities and what not. But go figure, about a week and a half after moving out, she gets a call back and is now employed in the town RIGHT next to where I bought my house...

I just always doubt myself and if I'm making the right decision moving on. I had spoken to her a few times after we had split and I would ask how the job was and she said it was good, but that she was still planning to compete in fitness competitions over and over...I mean, I work out daily, I just find it to be a very unbalanced life to be competing like that...I don't know...maybe I'm just trying to say things to make myself feel better. Either way, this absolutely 110% sucks...

[dem862]

You did the right thing. You two are basically incompatible. It would not have lasted anyway. There is a good possibility she won't last long at this job because it is not a priority for her. Move on.

[cheekxs]

I agree with her. You are a as-hole for real!

Someone leave everything and give up job, social network, family , and stuff
just to be with you.

But your head is only in the money, money need to be make.

I wonder what you will do if your woman is pregnant and you have to take care of the house and food and stuff financially.
Would you act like this 2? Or after she gives birth will you send her to work right after giving birth?

I think there is more love for money then you being inlove.
And your goals are different then hers. so no good match.

You are materialistic, cause now that she have a job you want her to be back in your life and you see the light again.
Dont you think you sound stupid?

And i understand that its good for her to keep searching for a job not for you , but for herself, since you are
a materialistic as-hole.
But finding a job is not only keep mailing 100000000000 times.
Cause soon the quality of your letters will lose their quality and you will lose overview .and dont know who called you for what.
so its not always about quantity but quality.
And maybe she had some also true the phone which you will not find in her email. since you are that nosy.
And searching for long time and not finding anything, also have a emotional etc. influences on people.
So great support is needed.
And when people are jobless , often its like a great break for them to find and deal with themselves.

I think your focus was to much on making money to live large and stuff.
you need a woman that thinks the same as you. money money lets make money and then everything will be nice and well.
But if you don't make money anymore its over.

Im happy she have a job, and don't have to be with someone like you anymore!
See if your money can help you now fool!

[searock]

...I actually agree with cheekxs on this one.

OP, you sound extremely judgmental about your ex girlfriend. Basically she was a housemaker for 6 months, during that time she looked for a job that would make her earn her money, and she found it. It doesn't sound like a terrible thing to me. But it was clearly a problem for you (and from what you've written, you haven't changed your mind), so yes, you did the right thing by breaking up.

[cheekxs]

I dont know you guys., but if i have to believe your story, im proud of her, for finding some kind of
goal or something to do while she was jobless.

cause many people get very depressed and dont have the strength to keep searching for a job.
or to fill their day with something so that they dont get depress.
so i dont hear you talk about you giving her that support so she could keep herself "warm" for when
she finds a job or not give up.

I think she most feels stupid for giving up all her stuff, to come to your place for " love" and receive shit!
And dude, people spent years looking for a job.
So i dont know how 6 mhnts can be that hard for you to pay everything. and how you can aspect her to find a job faster.
And its not like something that you did not know.
you knew that her leaving her job and stuff to be with you will make her jobless for a while.
So why all that surprise acting and stuff???

And i hope she gets smarter. cause you both barely knew each other for her to make such a huge step
for someone that dont even have compassion for her.

I think you are the one that wanted to use her so you could have some one helping you financially.
But since your dream for her to find job and bring money in was falling apart you started acting like that toward her.

[reltship]

Cheekxs,

Yeeaa, I can see you totally missed my point given your very ignorant and bulldogish response.

I would've NEVER had an issue supporting her and paying all the bills had she been actively looking for a job, interviewing regularly, etc. I am well aware how difficult it is to find work, especially in this economy, because I"ve been there before. But I've always had the mentality that if you can't go through it, go over it, around it...basically if what you're doing isn't working, try something new to make things happen for yourself. I even offered to put her in touch with friends of mine that have worked in similar industries in which she was looking and she would say she's not interested in meeting them. I asked her if she wanted help in reviewing her resume or wanted advice on how to go about looking for a job and she'd say "no." It was NEVER about her NOT having the job, but for me it had EVERYTHING to do about her not pushing herself to find a career and become independent.

And also, she mentioned to me when we first started dating that she hated her job and wanted to just quit. I told her that if she wanted to take advantage of NYC, she could live me with the understanding she was looking for a job. If she didn't want that responsbility, no worries, I would've been happy just dating her. So she wasn't "forced" out of her comfort zone/life and I was very capable of paying ALL the bills on my own so no, I wasn't using her for her finances. I grew up for the first five years of my life in a living room on a couch, material things are NOT what's most important to me, but I do value hard work and ambition...period.

Let me be very clear, not everyone has the luxury of having things paid for by mommy/daddy, etc. I sure as hell didn't. I busted my ass in high school, was able to get a partial scholarship, then worked 3 jobs plus an internship all through college to pay may way. My parents were there for me as much as they could be, but I have a younger sister they were helping out and my family doesn't exactly make much money. After graduating I lived in a shithole apartment (basically whatever I could afford) in a bad neighborhood because I wasn't going to allow myself to be a burden on other people. Bottom line, had she not had someone there as a safety net to pay her necessary life expenses, she wouldn't have had a chance to train as rigorously as she did for a show that was NOT a priority. I don't buy it for a second that if you're trying as hard as you can be, in six months time you can't get at least a few interviews...especially when I've offered to put her in touch with people that could talk to her and give her advice in the industry. Believe me, I am in full support of people following their passions and dreams and if she had gotten a job and then decided to train for a show, I would've been there to help cook her meals and make sure she was training as hard as she could be because she very much matters to me and her goals MATTER to me. But when I ask how the job search is going and if she wants any advice and she shuts down and is very "ok" with me doing all the leg work, it's frustrating. And especially even more frustrating when I try talking to her about what's bothering me and she tells me I'm out of line for feeling the way I do. It drives me nuts when people are given opportunities and they piss it away. This sense of entitlement is just an unattractive quality to me.

If that makes me an asshole, then fine, I'll own it. But for as much as I very much care about her, I don't think I was asking for much. I wasn't asking something shallow like "get a boob job." I was asking my 26-year old, educated gf to get a career and help build a life with me because I want a family, I want to have a home, and I owe it to my one-day-kids to work as hard as I'm physically capable to make sure they have an amazing life. If she were pregnant or we had kids, I'd shovel shit at 4 jobs the rest of my life to make ends meet and make sure my family was taken care of because I'd want my wife to be home (if she chose to) to raise our family. But when we both don't have those constraints, we're both young and we're able to both work and do what's necessary to get a life together in motion...that somehow translates into me being an asshole? Amazing, because I'm sorry, but I don't see it that way. I'd love to surf, play guitar and do all the other hobbies that I just don't have time for all the time...but unfortunately, I live in the real world and have real bills to pay and real goals in my mind.

If Cheekxs would like to retort my position on this, I'm all ears...and if anyone else has any advice, I'd greatly appreciate.

Thanks again everyone.

[searock]

OP, as I said: you did the right thing by dumping her, because you clearly are incompatible. To me, it wouldn't be a big deal to support my boyfriend for 6 months while he looked for a job, if I could afford it of course. I wouldn't think of it as "supporting him", I would see it as supporting the both of us, as a couple.

Also, it can be emotionally devastating to look for a job and keep getting rejected. You come from a different background, life has made you tougher probably, so even if you get rejected you push ahead and don't let it slow you down. It clearly doesn't work the same for her, hence the lack of mutual understanding.

[cheekxs]

if I could afford it of course. I wouldn't think of it as "supporting him", I would see it as supporting the both of us, as a couple.

Exactly! when you talk like: you have to support her/him its, cause there is no feelings there. not even inlove.
and its more like she is more a annoying thing to you.

[reltship]

Hey Guys,

Again, thank you for the feedback. This has all been very good for me in learning more about myself and this situation.

I know you don't know me personally or who I am and are only able glean things about me from what I write. I've had very bad experiences in relationships and this was really the first woman I saw me spending my life with. I've always seen her as having amazing qualities and I remember going out of my way to do things just to make her smile. There really wasn't a place I would've rather been than on the couch on a Saturday night with her watching a movie and just enjoying time together and it was the hardest thing in my life to make this decision. I'm 27, and while I know I don't need to be married tomorrow, I try and be realisitc about things because I don't want to waste time being in a dead end relationship. I tried talking to her numerous times about this bothering me...about how I'd be up at 4:30, go to the gym, come home, make breakfast, go to work by 730, and she's still in bed and when I do talk to her once I'm at work, it's not "hey, I'm gettin crackin on this job hunt" it's "ohh, I'm making my protein shake...gonna go to the gym...need to stop and run some errands, etc." I absolutely HATED the fact I found myself getting resentful of her not even trying to pull her weight, espcially when I was trying to be there for her and she kept turning me away...but I came to a point where I examined the relationship and thought to myself that had she really loved me the way she said she did, she would've at least taken to heart what I was saying. I'm very happy she found a job and that the one interview she went on in 6 months worked out and I very much hope she finds it to be a fullfilling experience because even if we're not together, I do wish her only the best. But I also know she got lucky and that there are deeper issues here than just a "job." I think to myself that if she and I had children, what would she say if our kids were dragging their feet not looking for work? I'd want us to both be on the same team pushing our kids to do their best and to lead by example. I've always been one to "overthink" things, but I just can't help but think if my expectations of people are too high...and that's why I keep doubting my decisions. I spoke to my closest friends who know me the best about this and they all think I've made the right decision and think she was taking advantage of me, but I hate to believe that because I don't want to feel like a fool for believing someone loved me like they said they did...

I dunno...just having a hard time with it I guess and am very conflicted. Thanks again to everyone who responded. Great forum on here.

[Boisdevie]

Ignore Cheekxs. She's more than a bit stupid. Just be glad she didn't call you a faggot.

[searock]

I don't think she was taking advantage of you. She just didn't realize that you felt that way. I don't know many people who actually get up at 4:30 am and go to the gym, come back to make breakfast and then off to work... it sounds like you are a workaholic or something, you *need* to keep yourself occupied at all times and you can't stand it when other people don't keep up. There's nothing wrong with your beliefs and lifestyle, it's how you were brought up, you just need to understand that your way is not the "right" way: there is no right way.

As I said, if my boyfriend was unemployed and I were able to support the both of us, I would do it gladly (provided I liked my job, and that he didn't lay on the couch all day... for example he could take care of the house, do errands, prepare meals, etc). Maybe she felt the same way, and she couldn't understand that it wasn't the same for you.

[reltship]

Hey,

That's a very good point; however, there's another issue in and of itself...she DIDN'T maintain the house. If you're living with someone rent and bill-free (again, I don't mind it if the person is trying) then the very least you think the person would pick up after themselves, run a vacumme, or scrub a bathroom once in a while. None of those things got done...ever...unless I specifically asked. She spent a LOT of time researching new workouts and I knew this because she told me so. I never pretended to have all the answers, but I've been in her shoes and know what does and doesn't work.

And no, there are plenty of people that get up to go to the gym at 5 a.m. when it opens...so I don't consider myself a workaholic. I get up and get a workout in the morning because I choose to because it fits my lifestyle. I don't do it every day, but it does give me more energy throughout the day, so I don't think that's an issue.

I don't think I'll be able to make you or Cheekxs understand where I'm coming from, but everyone is entitled to his/her opinions I guess. I know I tried my hardest to explain where I was coming from with her and to talk to her, she never wanted to...and over time, I got tired of feeling resentful. I would've actually probably stuck it out longer, but I actually was moving out of the apartment myself and couldn't afford to have someone at a house all day when I was at work...financially, I couldn't do it so it had nothing to do with me wanting to or not wanting to have her there. I told her that maybe some time apart would do us some good once we both moved out of the apartment and it appears as though she's moved on....I can't change that now. All I know is I tried and just want to stop being upset with myself for feeling like I did something wrong...

[searock]

I didn't mean to put emphasis on the gym thing in particular, I just meant that it seems like the most important thing in your life is your job, and in general keeping yourself constantly occupied in some way. As I said, it's not a bad thing: it's just that not everyone feels the same as you do.

If she didn't even help around the house, then I have to agree with you. That's just lazy and disrespectful - unless she was depressed, in which case it wasn't her choice. But if she were depressed, she wouldn't have had the energy to take part in a competition, so I don't think it's the case.