Why would she do this to me?

[Unlucky]

I've had this female friend for the past 2+ years. We've known each other for the past 5 years. She contacted me out of the blue looking for advice about her boyfriend (now ex) 2 years ago when we first started becoming friends. She never really took my advice. Anyways, they broke up about 9 months ago. She started to grow on me a lot long before this but I wasn't going to act on it. Just a side note, she used to always tell me that her other friends weren't really good friends at all so she could never "talk" to them or trust them for that matter. Anyways, her older cousin finally talked to her and got some sense into her head and she finally moved on from this ex...even though I gave her the same advice. Fast forward to the end of May. She was telling me about this guy she likes who lives 700 miles away. Then randomly, she told me she also had a crush on me. At first I was shocked, then really excited, and then 2 weeks later I told her I don't want to just be an option because it's just too hard. Anyways, our friendship took a huge blow. I mended things when I said let's forget any of that even happened, but it was hard for me to turn my feelings off just like that. It didn't feel like we were back to our old friendship either.

She left for another country for the summer break to be with her relatives. A week before she left we were at a concert and she was making out with a random dude. I got really jealous. Her Twitter was blowing up from her horrible friends she always told me about saying, "yay you're finally a sl*t, get it in!" and telling her to hook up with more guys and garbage like that. The reason I liked her so much as a friend (and more) was because she was the exact opposite of this. She had good morals and a strong head on her shoulders. She didn't even care that she hurt my feelings until 4-5 days later when she finally apologized. She always said she didn't want to kiss just anyone and that she was waiting for the right person etc etc and I loved that about her. Well now she talks to these other friends all the time, referring to them as best friends, and I feel like I don't even matter that much. They are horrible examples and I know it. I get so down knowing that she's changed in a matter of weeks. It's like she's trying to please these friends for no reason. It gets me so upset and it feels even worse that there's nothing I can do about it. I tried talking to her about it but it seems like she's built up a wall against me. She doesn't talk to me like she did before she moved me out of the friend-zone and forced me back into it. I guess these "other friends" have replaced me. She left the country 3 weeks ago for 2 months and the Friday after she left she was able to get on Skype...we were talking and all of a sudden she ignores me for 30 minutes. I looked at her Twitter and it said, "yay finally skyping with ******(bad influence friend)!" So I just signed off. That's the last time we talked.

I haven't talked to her in more than a month now and she randomly liked a picture I put on Instagram. I tried not to over think it but right after I posted a picture she posted a picture that she labeled, "Cousin playing with my Ted" (the teddy bear I got her before she left). I guess nice guys really do finish last and on top of it, I lose a great “post-May” friend.

It was now about 2 months since we last talked and I wrote her a letter last week. All I did was basically thank her for her friendship, as it meant a lot to me. She wrote back a few days later telling me I'm a great person, how she wants the best things in life for me, and that she wishes me to be happy. She also said she's just at a confusing point in her life right now. In which I replied, thanks, best of luck with everything.

Okay, so why does that mean ignore me for 2 months? I never did anything mean to her, I was there for her when she needed someone the most. Now here I am, without one of the greatest people in my life anymore. Why is it that I lose out? I've deleted her from Skype/FB/Twitter/Instagram to help me move on. The only way she can now contact me is through email or text/call. I have a bad feeling she never will. The worst part is, I can't stop thinking about her and the great times we had and why this happened. It's literally making me go crazy. She used to be such a genuine person and this whole thing is making me so depressed. Was it something I did? Was it something I didn't do? I hate this empty feeling. I'm really beat up from this.

I so lost. I don't even know what to do anymore Please help

[Cerby]

You thanked her for her friendship, she wrote back wishing you all the best. Those are "Goodbyes" if I've ever heard them. I'm not sure what you want here, but it looks like this (whatever "this" was) is over. Your only option is to move on, there is nothing to salvage here. Sorry bro, but sometimes that is how the chips fall.

BTW - Nice guys do not finish last.

[Wakeup]

I tried talking to her about it but it seems like she's built up a wall against me.

She has/she did because all you did was judge her and try to talk her out of whatever it was she was wanting to try. You're not/were'nt her freaking father.

You like people for who they are or you distance yourself from them if they are not who you thought they were.. it's that simple. You can tell them how you feel, which you did but after that they have free will to take your advice or follow their own path. You tried to control her to be who you want her to be.

People change, you either go along and accept how they've changed or are changing or you go your own way.

Sorry you're hurting but this relationship has run it's course. Now that she's changed, you are now incompatible it would seem.

[Unlucky]

I never controlled her. She decided to go through the slut stage on her own. I never expected it from who she used to be. But for her to just drop me like I don't even matter? That's a problem. Especially after 2 years of being close friends and helping each other through tough times. I never did anything mean to her and I never will. So for her to act like I don't exist says I'm a bad guy?

[distilled]

Dude, don't beat yourself up over this. She's hanging out with the wrong crowd because chicks will do anything get more attention and be popular & "cool". Nothing you can do but accept the fact that she is changing and move on with your life. Also, forget all that "nice-guys finish last" bullsh*t. It sounds like you got your head screwed on right so stick with what you're doing and you'll be alright. As for her, once she gets knocked up and left hanging by one of these "bad-boys", she'll soon realize that she made a mistake.

[wilsonjack230]

We have only a life and we know that after all why you punish himself/herself.

[Wakeup]

I never controlled her. She decided to go through the slut stage on her own. I never expected it from who she used to be. But for her to just drop me like I don't even matter? That's a problem. Especially after 2 years of being close friends and helping each other through tough times. I never did anything mean to her and I never will. So for her to act like I don't exist says I'm a bad guy?

You didn't understand what I was getting at. You've totally ignored the part about her changing. You have the choice to stay with her as she is or drop her because you're no longer compatible enough to sustain the relationship. No One is a "bad" guy here. It's called life. You just tried to change her back to who she was (which is controlling) and you made her feel bad about herself by keeping on telling her what she was doing was "bad" (for lack of a better word). She didn't want to hear any of that from someone who is suppost to be her "friend." That is what I'm saying.

As I said, when people change you can do two things:
Talk to them about what you're seeing and then leave them alone to decide if they want to continue or want to stop. If they don't stop their ways after your talk then YOU leave them if how they've changed is against your personal boundaries or you no longer find yourselves to be kindred spirits.
Or: You accept the new them as they have become and you don't keep trying to pursuade them to be who you whant them to be. (doing that is trying to control outcomes and the only person you have the right to control and be successful at it is yourself. No one else).

[Unlucky]

Well then I'm misunderstanding because I don't see how I controlled her. Great friends for 2.5 years, became really close, she says she has a crush on me, I tell her I like her too, she goes and makes out with a random guy in front of me shortly after. I controlled her? No, I would never control anyone. I tried to stay in her life, as hard as it was, but how can I when she ignores me for 2+ months because her other friends are "better" than me all of a sudden? I don't even know what I would say to her to break the ice.

[Unlucky]

Any good ideas on how to break the silence? A lot of people have advised me to just let her go, saying she's not worth it. I believe she is though. People have said she'll come back after time, but that has never worked for me in the past with previous ex's or friends. I just don't know how a girls mind thinks. I know everyone is different, but there must be something I can do.

Wakeup, I appreciate your thoughts.

[IndiReloaded]

Breaks in relationships are counter-intuitive. When they pull back your instinct is to close the gap. That's completely the opposite of what you need to do. Give her space, let her go. No need to completely break contact, but whatever contact you have needs to be cool. Find a girlfriend. That will take the edge off this.

[searock]

OP, how old are you both? I'm guessing pretty young. She didn't do anything *to you*, stop being such a drama queen. She broke up and now she just wants to have fun and to forget about the past, in which she was likely sad and miserable. Unfortunately, you are part of her past (no matter you were one of the only things that made her feel good: she still associates you with a part of her life that she wants nothing to do with anymore). When she said she had a crush on you, she meant exactly that: a *crush*. She wasn't in love with you. And who are you to judge her actions? She's just having fun! And as Cerby said, you told each other "goodbye", so stop obsessing over her and try to have some fun yourself :-).

[Cerby]

Any good ideas on how to break the silence? A lot of people have advised me to just let her go, saying she's not worth it. I believe she is though. People have said she'll come back after time, but that has never worked for me in the past with previous ex's or friends. I just don't know how a girls mind thinks. I know everyone is different, but there must be something I can do.

Wakeup, I appreciate your thoughts.

This is your heart over-riding your common sense. You should let her go, she isn't coming back as anything more than a friend. You're beating yourself up over this.

You only want advice that is in line with your desires, and your desires are unrealistic.

[Unlucky]

Okay, some of you have this all twisted. We never dated. We were really close friends. I'm not asking how to get with her, I'm asking how to become friends with her again. It seems that a majority of people on here have the same advice of moving on. I can see if we dated then yes, that advice would be valuable, as I have used those guidelines in the past.

As for me being apart of a past she wants to leave behind? What about her current friends who were in her past that she still has? Your argument is irrelevant. I helped her through a pretty hard time in her life as she did with me. That's the type of friends we were, so to put me on trial as being apart of the past she wants to leave behind is ridiculous.

Thanks for all your advice, but I'll figure this out on my own.

[Cerby]

Okay, some of you have this all twisted. We never dated. We were really close friends. I'm not asking how to get with her, I'm asking how to become friends with her again. It seems that a majority of people on here have the same advice of moving on. I can see if we dated then yes, that advice would be valuable, as I have used those guidelines in the past.

As for me being apart of a past she wants to leave behind? What about her current friends who were in her past that she still has? Your argument is irrelevant. I helped her through a pretty hard time in her life as she did with me. That's the type of friends we were, so to put me on trial as being apart of the past she wants to leave behind is ridiculous.

Thanks for all your advice, but I'll figure this out on my own.

Best of luck. We all know that you don't fight this hard for just a "friend" when they treat you like this. You have emotional feelings and want her to be attracted to you again. This is so clear in your posts.

Don't get upset because we didn't validate what you wanted to hear, we told you what we thought based on the limited information we were given.

[Unlucky]

Best of luck. We all know that you don't fight this hard for just a "friend" when they treat you like this. You have emotional feelings and want her to be attracted to you again. This is so clear in your posts.

Don't get upset because we didn't validate what you wanted to hear, we told you what we thought based on the limited information we were given.

I already know nothing more would have come from being friends with her. In fact, I would have never made a move on her because I never thought of her like that. So her saying she had a crush on me threw me through a loop, I wont deny that. But she was my best friend before that, that's why I'd fight for our friendship.