Husband's friendship with single female colleague

[Newlywed11]

So my husband and I have been together ten years, married one and there is a single female colleague that he is friends with.

I've met her many times, she came to our wedding so it's all very out in the open.

About two years ago I started getting annoyed at how much time they spend together. They have lunch during the week, they walk to the car together after work and they text each other. I know this as I see her name come up on his phone. I used to have a go at him and get upset and he didn't understand why.

I just felt that it was unnecessary to be so 'close'

It got to the point where he got upset at me because I kept on having a go at him about it all and it started wearing thin with him. He said that he wished I would calm down about it and that he really wanted her and I to be friends too.

So I took this on board as I trust him and she's very religious and a regular church goer so I figure it's all very innocent. I also felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders as I no longer stressed about it.

So I was sure I was over it! I'd still see her name flash on his phone and I just let it not bother me.

Now she's moved overseas for 1 year, going to a church camp for 6 months, then she's rravellung for six months and ever since she's left, he gets messages on what seems like a daily basis from her. I know this as I now push the bottom button on his phone to see if she's sent a text or not. Sometimes I also accidentally see a message come up. His phone has a password lock on it (as does mine) and neither of us know each others passwords.

It's bothering me again so much that I want to talk to him about it and just say look I trust you but I can't help but get annoyed at the fact she still always contacts him. I mean what does she have to say?- just get a life and enjoy your holiday! I want to say the only way I can get over this once and for all is for him to show me their texts so I can see there is nothing to worry about and I can finally just move on.

I figure if it's innocent he will oblige so we can both just move on, but of he says no ill tell him that means he must have something to hide and my trust in him will be broken.

My fear is that just by asking he will get annoyed and upset that I don't trust him and will refuse to show me in which case I'm still left thinking there's something untoward going on.

I feel like I can't win!!!!! What should I do!?

I also need opinions on whether I should even be concerned in the first place???

Argh help!!!!!!!

Oh and for info, I'm 29, he's 34 and she is 30.

Thanks in advance for any responses!

[TheCafeTerrace]

Is it not possible that he's just really good friends with her? My best friends are predominantly women and it'd drive me nuts if my partner thought every girl who text me often or I talked to regularly was being "unnecessarily close". Ask to see the texts if you want to, but in doing so you'll reveal to him that you don't trust him and that's a dangerous road to go down.

[Cheekxss]

I think thats a big bullshit.
Wha do they talk about?
If you are married i think you should back off from friends that can be a problem for your marriage.

And they should understand that you can hang out 24/7 , cause that's the place of your wife.

So i think how he will react is not your problem.
And how is it you are married and have so much passwords and stuff on phones?

No trust int there? Maybe you dont look or spy each other but everything or almost everything should be open.
Cause you guys are open to each other right?? Like noting to hide???!!

So just talk to him about it. And if there is just a friendship, it should look and be treated like that.
And if there is noting there his phone should be open and his conversation with her should be
before you etc.
So if he go outside to talk to her every time , and stuff its a reason to have a serious talk.

And i would say even if it look like just a friendship, i think he should still keep her on a distance.
Cause feelings develop faster by spending time together.

And at the end he have a obligation with you. so he needs to take steps for the better of his marriage.
friends or colleagues needs to step back.

[Cheekxss]

And i think its better to do something about it if you dont like it from day one.

cause the longer you wait the harder it can be and stuff.

[vashti]

How is your marriage otherwise? Do the two of you have a lot of fun together and truly enjoy each other's company? Do you like each other still?

If the answer is no, I would feel threatened, too.

[Girl_on_Fire]

You should question it. As a woman who is watching my best friend go through this very thing right now, it is turning very bad for her. I think it's to the point of her husband getting ready to walk. All over a so called "innocent friendship" he quoted. However, as she was added to his facebook, he now comments and likes every post and in a short period of time, he is going to leave his family for a twit. I say, if it makes you uncomfortable, it's a problem! Face it down and get it out of your life. If he finds it horrible your insecure, well too damn bad! If you need to know because it's a daily issue, then yes, you do need to know. Don't care how it looks, if it feels wrong, it might just be wrong. Trust your gut!

[steviej]

What a load of paranoid, controlling weirdo's you lot are. 'Omg my husband has a female friend how dare he!' Get over it.

The more of a big deal you make of this the more you'll annoy him and irritate him.
It's not him with the problem, it's your insecurity. He's been with you ten years and married to you, how much more proof of trust do you need?!

[Phil Davies]

Is it not possible that he's just really good friends with her?

No. Only gay dudes and other women should have women as close friends.

I wrote a paper on this my third sophomore year for a cognitive psych class. Unless there is a broad enough gap in the physical attraction scale between the two people there will always be latent sexual tension. Its a sliding scale that operates in parallel from the mens attraction in the beginning to the woman's attraction as the "friendship" matures. The human mind has many involuntary reactions driven by primal desire.

It does not work and should be avoided at all cost.

[Pandy_B]

My husband spent lots of time being a friend to a woman. I wasn't jealous but irritated by the amount of time he gave to her. It was a lot of time. He was away often and for long periods on business, too, so I was lonely at those times. Then sometimes we had to include her in our social life. Then after years of this, I just got tired of it. I had wanted a passionate man; he was not that, else he'd not have devoted so much time to blandness like that. I felt unfulfilled most of the time. It took me years to realize where it was taking me with him. You shouldn't allow him to frustrate you.

[Hotaru]

I think thats a big bullshit.
Wha do they talk about?
If you are married i think you should back off from friends that can be a problem for your marriage.

I sort of have to disagree here.

I'm in something of a similar situation. I'm friends with a guy who I can talk to about pretty much anything. I have no interest in him whatsoever. For a while there, we were talking every day. He wasn't flirting, I wasn't flirting, and hell, sometimes he'd talk to me about his girlfriend, how much he loved her, and I even knew he was ring shopping. But she was so jealous that she counted every time I commented on his FB page, every time I liked a status update, and brought the hammer down; he was forced to ask me to stop doing something I do for all of my friends.

As the friend in this sort of situation, it's annoying. I don't like that she tries to lockdown his circle of friends and it makes me think badly of her. Her behavior is catty and uncalled for. Because of her, I can't head to the gym with him or hang out with him, she's practically a stalker, so there goes one of my friends...

Now, had we actually been behaving inappropriately, it would have been a different story. I think he showed her the messages we were exchanging and after that, she calmed down a little although I still get the feeling she's not too keen on me... I can understand the OP's need to see his messages but if it's truly harmless, I think they need to come to some kind of understanding regarding how each one of them feels. I can see the OP being upset if she were to feel left out, in which case they'd need to work something out.