Friends with benefits or more?

[ecjyq]

I dated this guy for a few weeks back in April, it was fun at the beginning then he suddenly wanted to broke up with me
because he said 'the relationship got too intense' and 'it's not fun anymore'. But he wanted to remain friends. I was obviously upset for a while and didn't contact him for 2 months although I still have some feelings for him. Then in July he emailed me out of blue and invited me to go to an orchestra at the same venue where we had our first date, I couldn't resist the temptation of seeing him so I went, it was actually pretty relaxed and we had a good catch up but didn't mention much of the past.We said goodbye and he mentioned about going to coffee sometimes.

We then didn't talk for another month and last month he texted again one day saying he's moved to a new house close to me and wanted to meet up, we met for a drink, after a long fun conversation he suddenly asked if I wanted to be his 'friend with benefits', I said no. The next day he texted me saying it was fun to hang out and lets keep in touch.

Then after 3 weeks on a Saturday afternoon he contacted me again and asked what I was up to, then we chatted for quite a long time and just catching up, was light and fun. We were kind of expecting to meet because we were both bored but I didn't bring it up to him. He then had to stop the call as he had another phone call and said he would call me back. Then after 20 mins he called me back saying he had to work late so was calling to say goodbye.

I'm a bit confused about the whole situation, I still have feelings for him but I don't want to get hurt again. We always have a lot of fun hanging out but does he have any feelings still or he just wants to have the benefits? Any advice appreciated!

[TheCafeTerrace]

... does he have any feelings still or he just wants to have the benefits?

Your clue was when he asked if you wanted to be friends with benefits.

To me he sounds like a bit of an arsehole for toying with your emotions like this. He doesn't want to be in a relationship, clearly, but either doesn't care or doesn't realise that you've got deeper feelings for him. Find someone else who wants what you want and protect your heart from him.

[ecjyq]

Thank you for your reply, I knew he's a player but guess didn't want to admit it as I still kind of fancy him. To be really naive, why did he
still contact me after I said no to the 'benefits' part? I expected him to disappear after this as he's not getting sex out of me again, what makes him want to keep in touch?

[TheCafeTerrace]

Boredom? Horniness? Who knows?

Try not to let yourself think he's looking for a relationship with you - the wish is the father of the thought there.

[Confused Man]

I think he's hoping you change your mind. He probably realizes that you are into him and thinks he'll wear you down. You need to stand firm.

You sound like a nice woman and deserve more than to be treated like crap. It is hard, but if he is not going to respect you,you need to respect you. Unless of course you change your mind and want the sex, but if you want more, going down this path is only going to hurt you.

Good luck.

[ecjyq]

He also said he wanted to see me before leaving the country for a month for a long holiday, is that some kind of hook?

[Maple1714]

He sounds like a douche...forget him. In my experience when a man really likes you there is no guessing. He knows you like him...he likes the attention and he likes knowing that when he calls...today...tomorrow..next month...you'll answer. Forget him.

[ecjyq]

Thanks, I've delated all means to contact him which should've been done months ago!

[Maple1714]

Thanks, I've delated all means to contact him which should've been done months ago!

Good for you! Out of sight out of mind...people who string others a long are just lonely idiots.

[ecjyq]

OK the situation just got more confusing this weekend! He called me on Saturday evening asking if I would like to go to this party with him, since I didn't have any plans and the party was at a public venue I went along. We danced all night long and had a great time, we also kissed each other a lot and hugged each other, it felt very intense. He also said that that was our 'forth' date despite what happened before...He also brought me back home to make sure I got back ok (of course he didn't come in)and texted me later that evening asking if I was well rested. He is going on a 5 week holiday next week and he said 'see you in 5 weeks' before we said bye.
He might be very good at acting like he cares about me but it definitely felt like more serious than friends/FWB....I've made a decision to not fall for him again but he seems to be making an effort to tell me something? Confused!

[Wakeup]

OK the situation just got more confusing this weekend! He called me on Saturday evening asking if I would like to go to this party with him, since I didn't have any plans and the party was at a public venue I went along.

Uhm, I thought you said you deleted all means of contact with him? You are just so bent on being with this guy that disappears for months on end and then suddenly shows up hoping you'll think just like you are that he wants more than sex from you so you:

danced all night long and had a great time, we also kissed each other a lot and hugged each other, it felt very intense.

and now, because you did all that you suddenly think you actually mean something to him when he has outright told you that he wants you for a fvck buddy.

He also said that that was our 'forth' date despite what happened before...He also brought me back home to make sure I got back ok (of course he didn't come in)and texted me later that evening asking if I was well rested. He is going on a 5 week holiday next week and he said 'see you in 5 weeks' before we said bye.

So what.. they are all just words. Unless he asks you for more than what he previously wanted then he is just setting you up to be a warm wet place to masturbate. He has already tried a relationship with you and he broke up with you because it "got too intense" what the hell does that even mean you ask? It means that he wants all the benefits of a relationship with you (like sex and companionship when it suits him. Have you ever asked him out? If so, what was his answer?

He might be very good at acting like he cares about me but it definitely felt like more serious than friends/FWB....I've made a decision to not fall for him again but he seems to be making an effort to tell me something? Confused!

Who are you trying to kid? You've "made a decision to not fall for him again?" Please do yourself a favor and actually follow through on that line about deleting him from all means of contact or at the very least ask him what his intentions are to still keep taking you out if he only wants FWB and he knows that you are not wanting just that.

Stop pretending you are in control here when he is the one that runs the show and you continue to allow him to do so. You are fooling no one but yourself.

[Maple1714]

OK the situation just got more confusing this weekend! He called me on Saturday evening asking if I would like to go to this party with him, since I didn't have any plans and the party was at a public venue I went along. We danced all night long and had a great time, we also kissed each other a lot and hugged each other, it felt very intense. He also said that that was our 'forth' date despite what happened before...He also brought me back home to make sure I got back ok (of course he didn't come in)and texted me later that evening asking if I was well rested. He is going on a 5 week holiday next week and he said 'see you in 5 weeks' before we said bye.
He might be very good at acting like he cares about me but it definitely felt like more serious than friends/FWB....I've made a decision to not fall for him again but he seems to be making an effort to tell me something? Confused!

Still forget him...or you can hang out with him and just make sure you don't have sex and keep your emotions in check. This is what people do though. They lure you back in...and the cycle beings! Like I said before when 2 people really like each other there is no guessing...no games typically...just fun and attraction and then bam your in a relationship. Lol. That is my experience anyway. The players that don't really know what they want do shit like this guy is doing to you. I am sure he likes you, but trust your gut here he is not going to fall in love with you and you wont live happily ever after b/c that's not what he is looking for. He isn't open to that....we always think "...but maybe he will..." blah blah. No he wont.

I went through a cycle like this with a guy I met when I was 19. I had zero dating experience b/c I was just a young girl. We were a bit more than FWB but not really...it lasted for about 3 years and I was totally in love with him from day 1. He knew it...we talked about everything...it was weird. In the end though I moved on...he and I would probably still be doing the same thing today if I hadn't. It was intense and wonderful and we had the most amazing times together....but he doesn't know how to love a woman the way every woman deserves. He may never. I know he is still living the bachelor lifestyle today. You just have to recognize when you might be falling into a situation like this with someone and make the choice to go down that road or not. It your choice.

[ecjyq]

Thanks for your advice, to be honest we are very similar in many ways and we embrace the moment of romance whenever we can. But I do
sincerely want a relationship now, It is really annoying when we both have something for eachother, it stops one of us from moving on. I don't know how long it can last if we keep having this very close relationship without having sex, I'm guess he will likely to quit sooner or later
unless he changes his mind and wants to be more serious...

[Maple1714]

Thanks for your advice, to be honest we are very similar in many ways and we embrace the moment of romance whenever we can. But I do
sincerely want a relationship now, It is really annoying when we both have something for eachother, it stops one of us from moving on. I don't know how long it can last if we keep having this very close relationship without having sex, I'm guess he will likely to quit sooner or later
unless he changes his mind and wants to be more serious...

If you really like him then maybe just have another conversation with him? How long has it been since he asked you if you wanted a FWB situation? You can tell him again that you really like spending time with him but you are a relationship type of girl and if he isn't interested in that then to leave you alone. I think its gross for a guy to ask if you want a FWB arrangement. Men know most women aren't wired that way...it just shows disrespect.

[ecjyq]

He asked me last month so it's been more than a month. He's been sending out mixed signals since then and haven't mentioned FWB since. He's invited me over for dinner a few times but I refused so we hadn't seen each other since Saturday. He also texted me on Sunday to check I was well rested and everything. I know he does want a relationship deep inside but difficult to change as he's been single for a long time. I don't know if he's changed his mind or is trying to lure me back into having sex with him. He did lie about wanting a relationship when I asked him last time so I won't bother having this conversation with him again as the trust was broken. All I know is that I'm willing to give me another chance only because the attraction still remains..