My girlfriend wants children but says she will chose me

**Frankiesayrelax** · 11-09-12, 10:41 PM

I am 19 and my girlfriend is 20. We have been together for over 2 years and I love her very much. We have an amazing relationship. No other girlfriend I've ever had compares to her and she says she feels the same way about me. But something has been bothering me for the past year.

For many many many reasons I do not wish to go into, I desperately want a life without children. I feel I could not live out a happy existence if i became a father. My girlfriend is the complete opposite though as she wants children very much. But she says that if she has to, she will chose me over having children. I have always made it clear to her that I never want children.

Though I appreciate advice from people of all ages, I am particularly interested in those with significantly more 'life experience' than myself, for obvious reasons. My question is, realistically speaking, is there a chance that this relationship could work?

Thank you for taking the time to read.

**vashti** · 11-09-12, 11:07 PM

In my opinion, you are both too young to make a decision about whether or not to have kids. You are both so young - she is still a teenager!

I think if your opinion doesn't change by the time you are mid-20s, you will probably need to split up. The decision to have kids (or not) is really a deal-breaker, in my opinion, and she should not sacrifice having them for you (nor should you let her).

**Maple1714** · 11-09-12, 11:14 PM

You are both very young. You still have many many years of living to do before you need to think about having children. It's nice that you both are thinking about it already b/c your relationship is so serious, but take the stress off yourself and just enjoy the next 10 plus years together...then re-visit this issue. I was the same way in my early 20's. I didn't want children at all...seemed like too much work and I didn't want to become a fat soccer mom with a mini van. I thought I was too selfish and impatient of a person to raise a child correctly. Then, I got pregnant at 27. It really was the best thing to ever happen to me. I didn't become a fat soccer mom lol. You can never know what it feels like to be a parent until you are one.

If you both do choose to not have children, and your GF chooses you over children...she will probably regret it and things might not work out. You never know how life will shake out though so just take it slow and see what happens. I have an aunt who is in her early 60's and she chose to marry a very wealthy man over having children. She regrets it...she doesn't regret marrying her husband and loves him very much...but she is lonely. She would have been a wonderful mother. She has become like a mother to me and my child as a result.

**Cerby** · 11-09-12, 11:16 PM

Completely agree with Vashti, this is a dealbreaker, I however wouldn't wait to end it. Why invest further in something that may become a bigger and bigger issue over time? (Not saying it won't change, but you're gambling that one of you will have a change of heart about it)

**JB9** · 11-09-12, 11:16 PM

To answer your question, no. You have made it clear you do not want children and your girlfriend has made it clear that she does. Neither of you are wrong, you just want differet things. Her saying she will choose you over children is her passive attempt at waiting it out for you to change your mind. This will lead to resentment towards you as time goes on and her friends, family member's and co-worker's have families. If you love her as much as you say you do, let her go. There are plenty of women who do not want children, find one of them and allow her the to do the same.

**Maple1714** · 11-09-12, 11:38 PM

No reason to end it now good lord! You guys are SOoooooo young! You will probably break up over something else in the next 3-5yrs anyway....so let the children issue go for now.

**Cerby** · 11-09-12, 11:50 PM

Originally Posted by Maple1714

No reason to end it now good lord! You guys are SOoooooo young! You will probably break up over something else in the next 3-5yrs anyway....so let the children issue go for now.

If this were just dating, or a relationship based on physical attraction/sex alone, I'd "who cares". The OP clearly is looking for a life partner, and this is a fundamental difference that will likely stay in place. They a few years down the road she will have an "oops" and he is stuck with a baby whether he likes it or not.

Seen it happen more than once.

**Maple1714** · 11-09-12, 11:54 PM

Originally Posted by Cerby

If this were just dating, or a relationship based on physical attraction/sex alone, I'd "who cares". The OP clearly is looking for a life partner, and this is a fundamental difference that will likely stay in place. They a few years down the road she will have an "oops" and he is stuck with a baby whether he likes it or not.

Seen it happen more than once.

Hopefully, she will use birth control and women do still have a choice about pregnancy...in the U.S. anyway. They are 19/20...of course they think they will be together forever now...its young love. He loves her...so realistically he is not going to dump her yet. They should just let it play out for now.

**Cerby** · 12-09-12, 01:09 AM

Originally Posted by Maple1714

Hopefully, she will use birth control and women do still have a choice about pregnancy...in the U.S. anyway. They are 19/20...of course they think they will be together forever now...its young love. He loves her...so realistically he is not going to dump her yet. They should just let it play out for now.

Yes, but women who wants babies tend to find a way to have them. Just saying...

**JB9** · 12-09-12, 01:24 AM

And the OP can use birth control also, condoms or go to the extent of a vasectomy if he so chooses. Why is birth control solely up to a woman?

**Cerby** · 12-09-12, 01:39 AM

Originally Posted by Maple1714

Hopefully, she will use birth control and women do still have a choice about pregnancy...in the U.S. anyway. They are 19/20...of course they think they will be together forever now...its young love. He loves her...so realistically he is not going to dump her yet. They should just let it play out for now.

Abortion has nothing to do with it, if she wants a child and gets pregnant, she would keep it regardless of his wishes. How many women do you know have aborted because the man only wanted to? That aside, they will continue dating anyways, you're right, he loves her. But this problem won't go away.

**Maple1714** · 12-09-12, 02:00 AM

Originally Posted by JB9

And the OP can use birth control also, condoms or go to the extent of a vasectomy if he so chooses. Why is birth control solely up to a woman?

The guy can use condoms of course...but birth control is a safer bet. I heard recently that were coming out with a form of BC for men...

**Maple1714** · 12-09-12, 02:01 AM

Originally Posted by Cerby

Abortion has nothing to do with it, if she wants a child and gets pregnant, she would keep it regardless of his wishes. How many women do you know have aborted because the man only wanted to? That aside, they will continue dating anyways, you're right, he loves her. But this problem won't go away.

You are right, their problem wont go away.

**Wakeup** · 12-09-12, 05:26 AM

I have a question: OP ~ If you are so adamant that you will never want children, then why have'nt you gotten a vasectomy?

**Cerby** · 12-09-12, 05:27 AM

He is only 19, I don't think that is a realistic option for him yet. Give him 10 years and I bet he does.

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