Am I going about this wrong?

[Bella82]

Hi everyone, long story short - I'm American and have been living overseas in Italy for about 7 years. My boyfriend and I (also American) have been talking about leaving as we both don't want to be here forever. I've really been wanting to leave for about a year. He's very aware of this as I mention it alot . . Most all my friends have left, so I don't have any good girlfriends here anymore, and I don't take up my hobbies anymore as I usually do. By nature I'm a positive person, but have felt quite down and out lately.

I'm aware that my complaining doesn't do the two of us any good, and at the same time, being here indefinitely with no plans to go, doesn't either. Yesterday he said he didn't think I understood he also didn't want to be here forever. My reply was, yes I know that but when I ask about a timeline to leave, you don't have any idea. The main reason for this is that he has a company that he's worked really hard to get going here, and it's finally been taking off in the last two years. The company is mobile in that it doesn't necessarily have to be attached to Rome. Although when you've worked really hard for something, for your partner to say so, when do you wanna get outta here? I imagine this isn't very supportive.

Yesterday he said we hadn't truly 'discussed' leaving. This seemed a bit insane to me as we've talked a number of times about the how long he might need to get his company secured here, to be able to introduce it into a new market. He said that he wants me to see this as we are planning our next adventure, not me asking him when we can get the heck out of here. Until then, I've been approaching it from my side I suppose, not making it an open discussion where we equally engage and look for solutions. I am trying to be more positive and open. We just started talking yesterday about what cities might be good for both of us.

So, what do you think is realistic as far as this discussion goes? I don't want to keep pressing when we're leaving, but I'd like to move the discussion along in a way that leads to some sort of decision, not loosely musing on the interesting cities out there, but actually mapping out a cool plan. Thanks for any help!

[searock]

As I said on the other thread, before you do anything you need to decide what is more important to you: moving out of the country, or staying with your boyfriend.

[Bella82]

I did see your response, thanks very much for that. As mentioned previously, it is much more important to me to be with my partner. We just need a plan in place so that I don't lose my sanity!

[searock]

It sounds like he isn't very keen on planning ahead though. Maybe you can talk with him again, and tell him that you'll search for viable possibilities and then show him all the options so that all he'll have to do is pick one?

[Bella82]

I'll definitely be putting a list of cities together. I would like us to pick a city together rather than he picks one alone, so that we have equal buy-in. Ideally I would love at least set a date to leave. Living here though, I hear things like this alot, or even worse, partners who are Italian and refuse to leave.. not that that is any excuse for our situation!

[searock]

He also has a decision to make, wether he cares more about his career or his relationship with you... would he sacrifice the former for the latter? Or is the vice-versa more likely? I think it's time you have a serious talk, putting everything on the table.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

If being with him is more important than being happy, then I suggest you suck it up and do things on his timeline, which at current, is indefinite. The other alternative is to come up with your own timeline, and say, do what you want, but next October I'm moving to New York(or wherever, you decide).

I have a feeling you are a distant second compared to his company. This won't end well for you.

[Wakeup]

He's nurtured his business and now that it's taking off, you want to leave because your friends have left and you don't have any girlfriends? Why don't you start a new hobby, join some groups or something that would get you out there to meet new people. That way, you wouldn't feel like such a displaced person. There is a compromise in this situation somewhere and if you want to leave that badly then I think Sea had a good idea wherein you start looking for other cities. Ones that are easily commutable to Italy perhaps so that he can pop in once a month or so to make sure that things continue to hum.

Once you've come up with something that you will BOTH be happy with then I think he may become a little more yielding... as will you.

[Bella82]

If being with him is more important than being happy, then I suggest you suck it up and do things on his timeline, which at current, is indefinite. The other alternative is to come up with your own timeline, and say, do what you want, but next October I'm moving to New York(or wherever, you decide).

I have a feeling you are a distant second compared to his company. This won't end well for you.

I don't think it's necessarily quite that black or white - being with him vs. being happy. Sure at the moment I don't like it here as much as I could, though what is important to me is a timeline in that near x date we will be moving etc. At the same token, not only do I have him, but I have a job that I love. The flip side is that I can't stand the city, which I acknowledge I'm partially to blame as I am not going out as much as I could; I don't see the things about it that I used to like, which is why I've found myself in this rut.

[Bella82]

He's nurtured his business and now that it's taking off, you want to leave because your friends have left and you don't have any girlfriends? Why don't you start a new hobby, join some groups or something that would get you out there to meet new people. That way, you wouldn't feel like such a displaced person. There is a compromise in this situation somewhere and if you want to leave that badly then I think Sea had a good idea wherein you start looking for other cities. Ones that are easily commutable to Italy perhaps so that he can pop in once a month or so to make sure that things continue to hum.

Once you've come up with something that you will BOTH be happy with then I think he may become a little more yielding... as will you.

Thanks very much for this, I do think you have a point about taking up a new hobby or getting more involved here. It's something I've neglected for some time now. I've no intention on leaving before a year's time at the least, but I would like to start speaking about this now as it takes a while to move countries, set up with a new job etc. Many couples I know have had times in their relationship where they had to make sacrifices (or one person had to, really). That may have been moving the family to Benin, Chad or generally all around Africa or Asia. Considering we are in Rome, I might need to just comes to terms with reality and realize it's not that difficult, and that a hobby and going out more would help greatly. Thank you for the insight.