Just to enjoy reading, I guess there is nothing to do.

[sickofdrama]

Hello everybody,
I'm new in this forum, in fact, I think this is the first post I ever write in my life. I've been stroke by love in one of my hardest times of life, so it also got for me a symbol of things finally getting better, but looks like shit is growing and staying. I'm going to try to tell everything I can from my first relationship, which I'm still fighting for not to be over Not anymore. This was written before the ending. Yes, 19 and having a first relationship. And online. Different continents and all. *Everybody whispers about the sanity of this guy*. As everything in my life, its going to be a messy description, with only one long paragraph, Kerouac style(not really). My name is G**** and I live in Spain, in a kinda big city. My family history is complex, I was born in south america, only born, and I'm a mix of nationalities. I have a complex personality, if not intelligent, neurotic, with a probable personality disorder, Avoidant. I really don't know what to tell about me, just ask, I try to have nothing to hide. One thing, I'm a very good person. I'm one of those persons that only do good to other people. I'm a loser at everything else, but when somebody asks me for help, I do my best. Well, I do my best for most of the things I decide to do, but as a good avoidant, I don't do much. OK, next. Summer started with me bored and alone (surprise), so I downloaded this Random Mate App. I don't remember what I had in mind, but it never was love, I swear. I've never looked for love, I kinda didn't believe in it, one of the reasons I had never have a relationship. I talked with people. Mother****ers left soon when things got a bit tough, I call it the fast food society, used to ask for a burger and get it with no work. It hurt me when people left, like an idiot. Not relevant I think. So, I met a few interesting and friendly people. Meanwhile I discovered sexchatting and role playing. And, surprisingly, I was good, very good, as I was told. Great, a bit of ego for this loser. And it became my objective there, but not only that. Sluts are bad at giving conversation, and I have a big interior world. In the middle of this she appeared, K****, from America. Oh wait, before that, I've never believed I was good looking, but I was being told that I was hot there. K surprised me. I knew she was smart because of her way to write. She was interesting. And although I don't care much about physical appearance, she sent me a pic. Guys, she's beautiful. She has this amazing racial mix inside. Those big eyes, her sexy nose I want to bite, those thin lips smiling to the world. But I was still normal. Weeks passed, I had some exams I thought I would fail.
I will have to open a new paragraph. I had to go for a walk from a surprise life had prepared for me. I'll tell in the end. So, we began to chat. I liked talking to her, she was curious about me (as I said I have a complex life) and I liked answering and knowing her opinions. There she told me she had anemia because of an ex that had beaten her up. We didn't talk more about it because I had just gotten out of a huge depression. But I wanted to help her out. From there we moved to Kik, until here I had kept out chat log. I guess we kept intimating. One night I told her about a radical social theory I had, and she thought I was calling her a spoiled child. Begging her to not delete me I realized I needed her, and I told her I love her. Oh yeah, she had said she liked me a while before, I just said then I didn't believe in online love. That's when we started as us. I loved staying up late talking to her. At that time I didn't have a bedroom as it, so if I wanted internet I had to sleep in the couch, hiding from my mother. It was great. In the first weeks I didn't sleep more than 3h daily. She was lovely. She still is, even she doesn't want to. I don't know what we talked about, but I remember the pain in my face from smiling. One day i told her I sex chatted. She said I was a pervert blahblah. In the end she admitted she was jealous, and I told her I would stop then. I did. Days kept going. I told my mother and sister about her. I told her to come over for summer. She said maybe, but probably next year. That would be the first lie I guess. I never lie, btw. My life has gotten so much shit from lies that I hate them. K****... I love you. I swear its clean. *those who keep reading are interested in how this insanity can end*. One day she told me she wanted to sexchat. Until then I saw her like something... pure. I couldn't think of her dirt. We tried. She said it was good (only good?...). I didn't had wanted to do it, i was shy and didn't want to break us, but it went well. Things kept well. She had summer school and one day she tells me there is a guy that likes her, I was like "why should I care". I still don't know her purpose. My lovely girl, what have you done... Anyways, we had trouble communicating next week because I went on a little trip. Hmm... things went great I guess. I told her I could go there as an aupair if she wanted to learn perfectSpanish. *OK, I'm going to sleep, I'll end tomorrow.*
Guess where I've slept. Yep, in the couch. I don't have nightmares anymore because life is enough. OK G****, shut up, say what you got to say. Btw, my memory is a mess, depression does funny things with neurons. Oh OK. She liked the idea of me going there, so I pushed a little, prepared her what to say to her parents. She never did. I got really stubborn with that, I knew it would be a great experience, completely great for both of us, i wouldnt have wanted her any bad. That was one of the things she hated most, me and the aupair thing over and over. Summer school ended, her friends were around, her battery sucked. Sometimes we couldn't speak, and when she left on vacation we talked very little. Because of it, the night before we spent the whole night awake. It was an amazing night, I was hard for 7 hours teaching her how to do something pretty dirty. Now I'm angry that that work will be stolen by someone else, but its good that I help her enjoy more. Only if she remember about me when she does... sigh. That thing also showed my most inner secret. Only she knows. Its a very taboo thing, but she actually liked the idea. She was my naughty girl. Traviesa, she liked me to talk her dirty in Spanish. Anyway, life kept going. August came. ****ing August, and I thought that had been the worst month in my life... She started school, no battery. I was home alone for two weeks, my friends didn't came over even once. I felt really alone. Very depressed, but I still asked how she was first everyday. I worried about everything in her day a day. Oh shit, i forgot her best friend had died recently. And then another friend did too. I'm very bad consoling deaths, i have it accepted. And I'm atheist. She was Christian, kinda seriously, she even put sometimes troubles with us being together. I had suppossed that death was easier to accept for believers. One day she said her father didn't let her have interracial relationships. That scared the shit out of me. She had even tried to convert me in the beginning, that annoyed me deeply. We started arguing a bit too much, I like debating, she doesn't like to think things twice. I'm fixing that because nobody does. She started to say she didnt like to have me sad all the time. My life is shit guys, I swear, objectively and subjectively. But she made me happy, a lot. August kept going, i had to study for very serious exams. I didn't until last week, she had broken up with me. My memory is a mess there, I remember me showing her I had her address and she understood it like I was going to kill her (?). She blocked me in every network in the world. I was panicking. I had to do something to not lose her. But I started to think I had just been a joke to her. That thought gave me short rage moments, and in one I sent her from an alternative twitter account a message saying this was very cruel and that if she didn't show a human side I would have to tell her parents what a monster she had became. I guess it worked, she answered. I was trembling when she did. She was angry, but I was happy to hear from her. oh, I had also feared she had had a heart problem. We got both relaxed, we talked. She said she hadnt loved me for a few weeks now. That she didnt want me around. She only kept talking to me so I didn't kill myself. That offended me, I told her that was no reason, she could leave. She didn't, I saw that as a good sign. I was a few days pushing her to get back, or I became a friend. I helped her with her new guys problems, I wanted her happy. But it hurt a lot. I searched how to get a girl back. Made a plan, I will see if I can hang it here later. It started by not talking to her for 30 days. There was a problem, she wanted to delete that app, my last way to contact her. So I sent a common friend to keep her around, only that. Not spying or convincing her. Apparently they became good friends. I reduced the time to two weeks, with some quick commentary, none of which she answered. It was tough. Sometimes I went to her twitter to check how she was. Guys talking to her, jealousy. Oooh yes, a week before I saw on her twitter she and a guy talking pretty intimately while we were together, I asked her if she had cheated on me. She said no, idc anymore, I want her in any situation. I wasn't stalking her, if anybody doubts this just ask. Meanwhile I was studying for this exams. I failed one, so I'm repeating a school year with only one subject, pretty awesome (sarcasm). I was busy preparing the coming year. Its going to be brutal, it either ends like a huge piece of shit or I succeed like a champion. Thinking I would get her back gave me power to keep going. I saw myself like a multiple winner. I would finally change my life. When I got a bit relaxed i started to miss her much hardly. I needed to talk to her, but i did well. But I found out she had a school dance next friday, and obviously she wouldnt go alone. I had to move fast. I decided to talk to her two days before, yesterday, Sunday. I would casually ask her how was she doing before she went to church. The message didn't get delivered. She was gone. My friend had failed keeping her there, that's why she added her on fb. ****, gone. I got in an argument with this girl. Oh, wait, she had told me days before that she was still in love with a guy that had left her, with her sicknesses, alone and pregnant, that i had been a try to forget him and that she had decided he was better. Yep. I discovered she was into bad guys, that i was only to boost her confidence. I decided to get the attractiveness of bad boys, it would make me some good anyways. So, sunday. Alone, lost this friend. She warned k**** I was going to send her a "dangerous" love letter with all the stuff i had been making for her since we met. I only wanted her to say "g**** tried to talk with you today", but no. 8pm, i was finally relaxing, k sends me a message. Wow. I have some value for her. "DONT SEND ME ANY MORE LETTERS". I answered very gently. I asked how she was. When she said she was leaving I only said goodbye, have a great life. She kept there. Suddenly she said she was pregnant. I had actually been fearing something similar that whole week. I made sure she had support this time, although I was terribly hurt. She said yes. I desired the best for her, she left. I'm done, thousands of details are missing, i will add them when i realize about them. Thanks for reading, opinions, with tact, are welcome. And yes, I still want her back. I would raise another guys son while she studies for her. I love her.

I think there are going to be a lot of updates/corrections. Putting them in italic sounds smart.

[HeartIsAching]

Nice wall of text.

[searock]

I actually read through it. Dude, you are messed up. Leave her alone. She was just having fun playing with some random online stranger, stop obsessing over her. You've never even seen her in real life!! I think you need therapy.

[sickofdrama]

Oooh, she didnt say it was just for fun at any moment, I would have understood then. I actually asked her a few times, because it was one of my biggest fears, and told her to stop if it was that way. And why is that important to have seen her or not? It makes people less important?

And therapy... well, its nothing new to me. I think asked to have some tact. Thanks for reading

[DerekDrake]

I respect you for a fact that you willing to raise that child with her even though that is not your biological child. I'd do the same. Not just for the girl I love. I was an orphan, I know exactly what's it feel like not having parents around.

[sickofdrama]

Im sorry for that. What I know is what is to have problematic parents. Im going to be sincere, I had only thought about her. But the baby would be mine too (not possesive mine), blood isnt that important. We had actually talked about adopting because of her heart problems... Wow, I hadnt thought about the baby... I hope he/she does well...
Thanks for reading and for your post

[searock]

Sorry for being harsh, I just think you need a "wake up call". What does your therapist say about this situation? The thing with online "relationships" is that you cannot really *know* a person unless you spend some actual time with them. You haven even ever smelled the scent of this girl - for all you know, you might not even be attracted to her, in person. Sure the visual part is there, but other senses (particularly smell and touch) are paramount. You may have zero chemistry. And this is just the physical part.

You don't know her as a person either, because all you've seen about her is what she wanted you to see. You've never seen her interact with her friends, her family (if not for possible brief visions via webcam), the clerk at the post office or anything. To really know someone it's not enough to spend hours talking with them through a screen.

And, yours is an unhealthy obsession. She has made it extremely clear by now that she does NOT want you in her life. Stop contacting her and just, move on. Talk about this with your therapist, s/he will surely be able to help.

[sickofdrama]

The plan I had for getting her back had also the function of accepting losing her, if that was the case. My therapist agreed with it.

I know I could be idealizing her, thats why I wanted to go there, working for the family. If it didnt work, Id still doing something I wanted, and my services are still good independently I love their daughter or not.

My love and care started to be called obsession when it wasnt wanted, right? I know its unhealthy. My bones hurt from stress. I have trouble sleeping. I cant think in other stuff deeply. I wish it were that easy, just forget. Sending her that letter is saying goodbye, it would have the meaning of done.

One thing that is driving me crazy is Im still a great guy to know, why reject me to such extreme? How can she want me that out of her life and still have on fb the guy that beat her up and provoked her the anemia and the guy that left her pregnant before and abandoned her? Just because they are more real than me?

I think i didnt tell, my biggest fear is becoming my father. He is probably a sociopath, I know very well what are the limits. Ive left her very alone. (One of the things she said was she would help me not become my father)

Thanks for your opinion. Ive already had many people trying to wake me up, but thanks for the try.

[searock]

Why don't you just erase her emails/chatlogs/texts/number/photos/anything else you have that reminds you of her, and start putting your effort in moving on, instead of in obsessing over her?

[sickofdrama]

When we were together I made a tumblr to share stuff with her. I've uploaded everything there, with password of course. I dont enter in there at all. I'm going to delete everything in my phone and computer right now. And all the drawings and physical stuff will be sent next friday, including her address. I just cant throw them to the garbage, and i want to show her im not just texts in screen. I will never know if she doesnt even open it, but its done.

I dont take well losing people, it just doesnt stop happening to me. I wish she adds me in a few months when im more relaxed, just to keep in touch.

Anyways, everything reminds me to her. I just need time, I cant do anything else.

Im really wishing her pregnancy is a lie...

[smackie9]

Listen to the people who are closest to you, friends and family. They are the ones who know you best and have seen first hand what this is doing to you. Stop trying to find others in hopes of tell you what you want to hear....it's not going to happen. It's your mental disorder (OCD?ADHD?) that is stopping you from letting go and thinking rationally. Searock is right, in order to make steps to help this situation is to delete everything. You will feel panicked at first but that is you disorder talking, but that feeling will be replaced with empowerment and satisfaction. In other words you will feel real good about yourself, and develop some self worth.

[smackie9]

=sickofdrama;829721 I just cant throw them to the garbage,

This here is part of your disorder...that feeling of tossing into the garbage like they have a life energy of their own...they don't tho. You are not hurting anything by doing so they are just things.

[sickofdrama]

I have Avoidant Personality Disorder en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avoidant_personality_disorder. It looks like its not really related to stuff you are saying. Is it really that easy to you to throw stuff you like and created yourself to the garbage? I think usually pretty rationally, and I always try to be.

I'm sending it, it doesnt make any bad.

I just deleted everything. I dont know why i had screenshoted some normal convo... it has made me cry very hard. Im having fever.

And Im almost completely alone. I think I repeated several times my situation is shit.

[searock]

Keep seeing your therapist, spend time with your friends and family. It will get better :-).

[sickofdrama]

And you still wasted your time to reply. Guess how easy is for me to write right now and manage all that text.