Just to enjoy reading, I guess there is nothing to do.

[sickofdrama]

The letter is the last thing. From there on only she can do the work, and as she has showed during our relationship, she never does any effort. Its the end... :(

The worst thing is that my love had went away a few weeks before she did, but I convinced myself, love is a choice. And I expected her to do the same... I know that being depressive is unattractive, but she knew I had potential... Nature is a bitch, if you need some ego you don't get any and if you already have you will only get more.

... :( ****

[sickofdrama]

I understand that. Maybe I edit it at some moment.

[sickofdrama]

There is one thing that might not seem important, but I think it is. Because of my avoidant personality disorder, I never do any decisions and go for them (they are avoided). People usually dont see how excruciating that feels, so powerless. And it doesn't feel well at all that I finally decide something and I'm told to stop.
This is less related, but ive also done the effort to trust some people this summer. All of those shouldn't have been trusted. She was the top exponent, I've told her everything. It doesn't feel well either. I'm told that I have to feel comfortable with people, but I'm shown the opposite.

The end of this is just showing me that I should had never lowered my defenses, that I was well being distant with everything.
I'm sick of fighting for absolutely everything. I'm so tired.

[sickofdrama]

I feel like she is convincing herself that I'm not that good because she doesn't want to work on it. But that carries me to the thought that I'm not worth her effort, at least for her. But she said she loved me, seriously. I was sceptic, I didn't just accept that. I confirmed it several times and she knew it was very serious matter to me, I told her. I even asked her if she just wanted some teenager puppy love.

I've checked the rope several times before jumping to her. Going to try to sleep again

[searock]

The end of this is just showing me that I should had never lowered my defenses, that I was well being distant with everything.

No. First of all, there is a difference between being *completely* closed up and not letting anything through your "defenses", and being *completely* open with other people and let go of your "defenses" entirely. In this case you just lowered the gates and flooded her with yourself. You need to find the in-between that works for you. If you have trouble trusting people, always keep a little part of yourself, for yourself alone (even with the next person who will seem to be "the love of your life").

Second: just because it didn't work out this one time doesn't mean it will *never* work out, with *anyone*.

Third: she couldn't possibly actually be in love with you (as you can't be with her), since you've never even met in real life. So stop bashing yourself for that. Asking someone "are you sure you are in love with me?!" and getting a positive answer doesn't mean that they actually are. Your ideas on "love" (yours and hers) are clearly misguided. See one of my previous posts for the reason.

[sickofdrama]

I'm probably very far to be the right person to talk about love, but still got an opinion.
I know online realtionships cant be really compared to real ones, but love can happen, usually idealized love. We are animals, so chemistry plays an important role, but (idk, im guessing) after falling in love with all the other things that you think they are true, humans can skip that chemistry, right? When you said before about feeling her... yes I've wanted to touch her skin like crazy. I never thought about smell, to be true, usually not important to me. Actually, chemistry isnt more for a sexual attraction? I'm just thinking that, not saying its the truth. Anyways, that's why I wanted so bad to go over there... As I said, things would still be good if we didnt really work out.

And to decide what is love and what is not... there probably is a thread for it, and thousands of articles. All the time I say her it's "the virtual her I've known", so I love "the virtual her I've known", but its still real.

Don't worry, I'm not saying it won't work out with anyone. I'm not expecting it either. Just wondering, if she "convinces" herself that it isnt working out, does it mean it won't work out and it's not worth the effort?

You are right about my defenses, I have to learn to manange them. But there is going to be a while where I'm not trusting easily. When Im cured, because as you can see right now I'm trusting a bunch of strangers just seeking for comfort (no offense).

[searock]

I never thought about smell, to be true, usually not important to me.

It is very important, for everybody. It's probably the most important sense, when it comes to physical attraction. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Body_odor_and_subconscious_human_sexual_attraction

Actually, chemistry isnt more for a sexual attraction?

Of course, but how can you "be in love" with someone when you aren't even sexually attracted to them? You can *love* them of course, just not be in love with them.

And to decide what is love and what is not... there probably is a thread for it, and thousands of articles. All the time I say her it's "the virtual her I've known", so I love "the virtual her I've known", but its still real.

It's real in your mind, but "the virtual her you've known" doesn't exist in reality.

Just wondering, if she "convinces" herself that it isnt working out, does it mean it won't work out and it's not worth the effort?

Erm, didn't she make it clear enough that she is done with you? Am I missing something?

as you can see right now I'm trusting a bunch of strangers just seeking for comfort.

I'm sure that if this forum were a room and you were in it, you'd never walk up on the stage and tell your story to everyone. Anonymity works like that :-).

[countingtoten]

I think you need to try your hardest to move on. While it is very admirable that you would be willing to bring up someone elses child, you don't really know this girl, she lives in a different continent, and she has made it quite clear that she doesn't want to be with you. I know it hurts but you will come out the other side xx

[sickofdrama]

It's real in your mind, but "the virtual her you've known" doesn't exist in reality.

Erm, didn't she make it clear enough that she is done with you? Am I missing something?

I mean the love is still real, although for an illusion.

And I'm talking in general, when she started to give up, did that mean it was over then? In my opinion no, but I don't know, thats why I ask.

[searock]

She just realized she didn't want to be "in the relationship" anymore. It happens, don't torture yourself by trying to figure out why. Only she knows, and as far as you're concerned, it's irrelevant.

The love you feel is real in your mind (as every type of love). The difference is that it is love for a person that does not exist in reality.

[sickofdrama]

I said before the pregnancy was a joke from her. A very cruel joke in my opinion which is making me questionate a lot if she was that nice. I wouldnt care about that stuff though, it would make me a reason to leave, finally.

I'm trying to move on. Even if I wanted to get her back I can't. The letter will be sent as a "goodbye and thanks, here is your stuff" and that will be my last contact with her forever, if she doesnt change her mind, but Im not expecting anything from her. I still dislike that Im treated worse than those other two exes, but she will learn to make her mind clear the hard way someday. Not that I like that either.

Thank everybody for your attention

[sickofdrama]

I actually think she doesnt really know either, but ok. Right now the saddest thing to me is that she doesnt even want me as somebody she knows.

[smackie9]

You can't move on if you keep anylizing the situation over and over....that means you haven't come to terms that it's done, and there is nothing more you can do. It's a waste of energy, better spent else where. Stop picking at it like a sore.....it will only fester and get even more infected.

[sickofdrama]

I analyze stuff, everything, its not because Im looking how to solve it. I've accepted there is nothing else to do from my side.

I liked your metaphor, I will try to follow it.

[searock]

I liked your metaphor, I will try to follow it.

Good :-). What are you doing these days? School, work, hobbies?