my boyfriends female best friend.........

[countingtoten]

I have found myself in a situation that i don't really know how to deal with. My head says one thing but my heart says another.

My boyfriend has a female best friend. I wouldn't normally have a problem with this as I am pretty laid back. However, she is a bunny boiler and I think she is out to cause trouble.

Here is the background.
-they met at work about 6 years ago
- she is 20 years older than him and married with grown up children. Her hubby works away.
- my bf has been single the whole time he has known her/never been with anyone of significance to tell her about, until now
- my bf doesn't have contact with his family, and works funny shifts so doesn't really have any other friends.

I knew that he had this friend when we got together. he said he sees her as a mother figure and she sees him as a son. However, since him telling her about me she has gone weird and i am uncomfortable with it. I haven't really met her, i saw her briefly when i took something to where he was working, she was there but shut the door in my face when she saw me. I stayed over at his place at the weekend for the first time in a few weeks. When i went to brush my teeth there was an extra toothbrush - hers! For when she drinks coffee she brushes her teeth after. There were also a pair of her slippers (for walking around the flat). Why does she suddenly feel the need to leave them there now. Oh and also she has got a 'his and hers' calendar on the wall in his kitchen which has her dental appointments etc. on. WTF?!

told him that i find their friendship a little weird. he says i am being silly. He admitted she probably is jealous as worried that i will try and 'take her off him' (she is 52 for goodness sake). He says she won't think i am good enough for him (as in she won't think anyone is). I asked if he thinks he has feelings for him - he said no, but then after i queried it he said he wasn't sure.

I know that he eventually wants to settle down and have children. While it is very early on in our relationship, I like to think it would develop into something serious but there's no way it could happen with this woman sticking her oar in all the time.

Is she just a best friend, or is she harbouring serious feelings for him that stretch beyond the parent/child relationship? And what should I do. I don't want to appear possessive or anything and wouldn't ever give him an ultimatum as I am not like that.???

[Cerby]

The toothbrush and slippers are definitely weird...Have they at any point done anything physical in the 6 years they've known each other?

[vashti]

She's probably having (or had) a sexual relationship with him, and is having difficulty letting go, despite knowing how ridiculous the age gap is. In any case, she is NOT his friend. Friends don't behave this way. Your boyfriend isn't being honest about the nature of this relationship, and I doubt she is really a "bunny boiler". He is contributing to her behavior.

Edited to add: be careful about your tendency to assign blame or negative behavioral labels to people when you don't have all the details. Your labeling this woman a "bunny boiler" is nothing more than an attempt to minimize her significance in his life, and also to minimize his contribution to her emotional state. Most people really aren't crazy. If she really *were*, why would he have her as a "best friend"?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You're a complete fool. Dump him.

[Cerby]

She is 52, he is 32. Stated in the original post.

[countingtoten]

Not sure how to quote. But i asked him about the physical and he said no it never has as he doesn't see her that way.

And i wasn't meaning to label her as bunny boiler in the true sense of the phrase, i was perhaps a bit dry.

so i aren't out of order/being jealous to confront him?

We are both 30 she is 52 so is 22 yrs older to be exact. And she has a husband! X

[vashti]

Not sure how to quote. But i asked him about the physical and he said no it never has as he doesn't see her that way.

Meaning what? That he doesn't want a relationship with her? That doesn't mean he hasn't had some sort of contact that you don't know about.

Maybe you should ask HER what's going on. People usually want their "friends" to be happy and involved in a healthy relationship... This is why I say there is something more going on here.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

This early on is it really worth this crazy bullshit? Just tell him you're not comfortable with their friendship and you'd rather move on before you get hurt.

This bitch could definitely be a bunny boiler. Bunny boilers always have or have had a contribution from the object of their 'affection'. It's typically a slight connection, like he ****ed her once or something, that she blows out of proportion. The woman in question here definitely sounds like bunny boiler potential.

Just tell him what you told us. The relationship is going nowhere if this continues. I still think you are a complete ****ing idiot though. This is a huge red flag and the fact that he's downplaying your feelings about it, instead of taking steps to reassure shows where he really stands. Again, you're a ****ing idiot; you deserve the heartbreak/disappointment that is coming your way for not heeding these flags. I look forward to your future threads.

[Cerby]

not moron!
dont try to be a smart ass dirty faggot. no one asked you noting.

or are you transgender also. im not surprised.

Says the cunt who is on her 50th account that hasn't been banned. You're a useless sack of shit, get off the internet and out of the ghetto and go to school you f*cking inbred hillbilly. You embarass yourself with every post and your complete inability to form any kind of coherent sentence, you are a stain on the American education system and go to show that no matter how hard they try, some children are still indeed left behind.

How many times can you be banned before you get the hint that no one is reading the useless crap you keep posting here? Are you even in a relationship? Have you EVER had a relationship, or do you just play the bible-thumping religious zealot every time someone posts anything that isn't in line with your belief?

Even as a troll you have to be one of the stupidest people this forum has ever seen. Even innocentman doesn't hop in to back you up when you run on about your bullshit, and that says something.

[IndiReloaded]

This early on is it really worth this crazy bullshit?

Just tell him what you told us. The relationship is going nowhere if this continues. I still think you are a complete ****ing idiot though. This is a huge red flag and the fact that he's downplaying your feelings about it, instead of taking steps to reassure shows where he really stands. Again, you're a ****ing idiot; you deserve the heartbreak/disappointment that is coming your way for not heeding these flags. I look forward to your future threads.

Don't tell him anything except "this is crazy, I'm out of here". The whole situation screams 'eww and freak' to me.

[quietcrazy]

She is nothing but bad news and has your boyfriend wrapped around her spindly little finger. she's jealous of you because you landed the guy she loves even though she's married.

Seriously, Sweetie, break up with him ASAP and do NOT contact him ever. It WILL be very hard to do, but, eventually, you will realize it's for the better. It sounds to me like she won't leave the picture at all. You don't want a love triangle like this, ever.

[smackie9]

Oh dear, I would have to say they were friends with benefits quite possibly, and he just down played her status to hide that fact from you. There's a quiet feud going between them, and I doubt he told her he has a new permanent GF until recent. Now here you both are just discovering you both are involved with him some how lol. This is a juicy one. He has their affair to hold over her head to keep her mouth shut, but as you can see her actions are showing her dismay.

Even if they are not screwin, they are having an emotional affair at best, and he is still keeping it for awhile at least to see if things pan out with you. Hun this guy is slimy as they come, and your gut instinct is screaming at you....you better listen to it, save yourself from any more of this fishiness and run away as fast as you can from this creep.

[lizzy-bet]

In my experience, girl/guy best friend relationships can become complicated when one of them starts dating or gets married. If the guy best friend started out the relationship while single, he will generally cut back contact with the girl best friend once he enters into a relationship. My guy best friend has been in two relationships while being my best friend without much of a difference, but the latest girlfriend has taken issue. I personally don't blame her for feeling that way, just like I can totally sympathize with your situation. It is very difficult to enter into a relationship with someone when they have a close friend of the opposite sex who has known them for a long time. Basically, he's going to have to grow a spine and tell his girl best friend to back off, and defend you and your position on the whole thing. In order for him to do this, you have to sit him down and clearly and logically explain your point of view and the course of action you would like him to take. Women generally use the guy best friend for emotional support, and this 'ol gal isn't going to give that up without a fight. It seems that she does not want to lose him to you and is trying to make that very clear. You need to explain to your man that this behavior isn't motherly, it's jealous and catty and you will not stand for it. Make this guy respect you and put you first now, or kiss this relationship goodbye.

[Maple1714]

Get away from him....they both sound weird. This reminds me of a situation a friend of mine dealt with. She really liked this guy and they hung out etc...but there was this older woman (20 yrs +) that he played music with and was always hanging out with. They both (guy and older woman) always insisted that there was nothing more than friendship between them. That was complete BS and the truth came out that there were lovers a couple years later. Whatever relationship your BF and this woman have...its not cool. Get away from the situation fast.

[Sonrisa]

Don't tell him anything except "this is crazy, I'm out of here". The whole situation screams 'eww and freak' to me.

i second that. i'd be out of there in a second.