So Confused about My Girlfriend

[damien1993]

Hey,

Normally i ask my friends for advice or her friends for advice but my friends can't offer anything that can help because they've never been in the same situation and she doesn't have any of her own friends...

My girlfriend (V) and I have been dating for almost 2 years and living together for 1 year.. We are both 18 and the story goes like this..

V was abused and she couldnt take it anymore so she ran away.. Now before i continue, i'd like to mention this is her birth mother. She was living with her mother and stepfather at the time, her real father she has never met as he left her at a very young age.. Basically, from what i've gathered over 2 years is that she was a depressed child at home, and deprived of love, emotion and nurture.. I don't know much about how she was with her friends at school when she was upset about something at home, but i do know she used to talk a bit about what happened at home, events that have passed and how she felt about them with me.. Back then, if she was upset about something at home, and she was seeing me that day, she didn't seem too upset, she would tell me what happened, and i would cheer her up somehow.. I know this has something to do with the way she is now but i'll get to that soon.

After she ran away she lived in a refuge for a few months and i got to see her alot more often, this was probably the best time we had.. We were always happy together, doing whatever it was, she never got mad, frustrated, cold, unaffectionate, nothing, it felt like a real relationship.. Not to mention we were having sex pretty often.. (SIDE NOTE: i'm not a sex crazed animal, if i was i wouldnt have a gf, i'd be out clubbing, i'm more of a sensitive, loving, stay at home kind of guy, and i've always shown it and been proud of it. To me sex is important, but not in the way to get your rocks off, i have a hand for that, but i think it's a way of showing how much you love the other, its special, and should be an enjoyable experience for both.. And if one does not want to have it with the other there is some degree of detachment there, at least i feel anyway.)

Now to me, i felt like we were going great and we both felt sexually attracted, we were really close and i always showed my appreciation, always sweet, always showed affection, either a hug or a kiss or held her hand and she LOVED IT!! Always did things for her, helped her out, moral support, talked things out with her.. I'm not bragging but i considered my self that guy that all girls look for, and she constantly told me how lucky she felt, which i told her was nonsence because i was infact the lucky one (she hated when i did that)..

Anyway things were going great however, because she moved out of home and had nowhere to go she had to live in a refuge for homeless teens. Now there were a lot of whacked people (no disrespect) in that place, all males, some on acid, one guy came home with an axe and blood on it and his shirt.. When i herd this i flipped and became really scared for her and i could tell she was quite scared too. So i proposed to my single father of 3 if she could move in with us if she payed a bit of board, maybe until she saves enough to move out, at least she'll be away from potential influences, hazards etc. Now yes i am quite protective but i don't think i'm extreme, she aggreed to move in and i was over the moon. I got to see my love every day, show my love for her every day, appreciate her every day.. But Lately things have changed..

I think for the past three or 4 months we havn't been the best.. I never thought how moving in could impact our relationship.. I didn't think maybe she had a few psychological issues with her past that inhibit her ability to talk to others about how she feels.. i mean she was a single child living in a home with an abusive mother who showed little to no emotion/affection and a stepfather who was too passive to help as even he was scared of his own wife.. And as for her real father, he has never been there for her, only recently have they gained contact but it's detached, he lives in another state, and and he has promised to come up for her birthday but didn't.. Theres a whole other story about this but it's too long.. Basically she finds it hard to trust people also due to her past, her father is a good man, i've spoken to him trying to work out how she can become closer to him as i believe this is what she is missing, a real parent, but she is also reluctant to do that as she doesn't know weather to trust him, i know the circumstances by which he didn't come up and i believe he is very willing to father her but is unable to at this time.. V does not know about this conversation as i don't want her to think i've had any input, i just wanted to know the story why he left and what happened since then and what his intentions are because there is no exact true story.. Her mother told her lies about her father and so V is really unsure.. But to me, he checks the boxes of a genuine guy..

I believe this is the main issue.. She is very reluctant to talk to me about any of her feelings/emotions, for me it's all guesswork. When she gets upset about something that happened to her during the day, she will mope and be super cold (to me) until she gets over it.. However to others, like our mutual friends (who were previously my friends but who became her friends too) who are guys, she can switch off that moping and act like everythings ok, and she's back to smiling and laughing and being happy.. This hurts me alot because i try to be the guy who makes her laugh, or cheer her up when she's down, i want to be the guy she confides in.. After all i'm her boyfriend and been there for her since she moved out and helped her with so many things, you'd think she could trust me enough to express her self to me.. But she doesnt, and what i gather from our friends is that she doesn't tell them why she's upset either. She'll tell them if her and i are having problems like "he's too sensitive" or, "im sick of it", keeping in mind this only happens when we fight, the rest of the time (which isnt much) we're completely fine..

She will tell me what caused her upset sometimes but it's always the same answer "i'm tired", "i'm having a shit day" or, "nothings wrong". The problem here is she says that, but she treats me like shit, as if i'd done something wrong, giving me the cold shoulder, snappy answers, impatience.. None of this happens when she's happy.. She tells me to give her space when she's like that but here is another problem.. As i mentioned earlier i am quite sensitive and take things to heart which i know i shouldn't but this situation is impossible.. I like to talk about things, i'm a natural problem solver and i hate being stuck in the same bad situation for long periods or else i start to get upset (i have ALOT of patience).. I've told her this, but i don't know why things continue.. But normally she will be upset about something and i have 2 opttions.. Either give her space (by that i mean continue going about my daily life as if she isn't upset) or ask her what's up..

Now if i take the first option, she will be bitter to me, when i'm only trying to get on with life.. Like i said i'll tell her about my day, or i'll try and crack a little joke or do things for her (sweet things like grab her a drink, or just smile at her), like i normally would if she was fine.. But she continues to be bitter (and like i said if we meet up with friends she'll be fine.. Again this is VERY hurtful.. I know if it was her own friends they'd cheer her up ragardless, it's the same with me.. But these are guys, they do exactly what i do to cheer her up but for me it doens't work..)

Around this point when there's no budging from her side, i become agitated because i don't deserve that.. I know if i've done something wrong and i apologize whenever i do.. But these situations occur when i havn't seen her all day and pick her up like that, or she quickly changes to that even though i havn't even done anything or said anything (some of you will say "you've done something wrong without realising", trust me, i know if i've done something wrong, i can tell the difference between her upset with me, or her just upset..)

Now when i become agitated, i lose motivation to make her happy, i become quite cold aswell, but i don't treat her bad, i don't abuse her or tell her she made me angry or anything (unless she asks and you'ss see why), because this will further upset her.. Eventually she will catch on and ask ME what's wrong.. I've tried telling her that i don't like the way she treats me when she's like that but she's always clueless to what she's done and i insist it's her cold and bitter actions towards me, i've also compared it to how she acts with our friends but this only makes her more upset aswell.. However if i say i'm fine and nothings wrong, she'll continue but with less aggression, but then i'm edgy and we don't get along..

Now if ask her what's wrong, it doesn't matter what it is, weather it's me or it isn't, she'll tell me one of those three responses i mentioned earlier.. Now it's at this point which i'm finding trouble because of my 2 choices.. I can't act like nothings wrong because it brings me down in the process, and we end up both upset, like i just mentioned. Or i ask her what's wrong,, she gives one of the three responses, i doubt her response because of the way she always treats me when she's like this so i insist it's something else, but she won't tell me..

I believe she has trouble expressing her feelings and emotions because of her past, or she doesn't trust anyone enough with that information, or from what she has told me before, she believes it is a waste of time because she will get over it herself and theres nothing i can really do to help her.. I understand this, she needs her space and i'm willing to give that to her, but for her to put me down in the process is not fair, and i've communicated this to her but she just continues..

This is major problem #1

#2 begins here.. We spend alot of time together because she doesn't have friends of her own, (friends i don't share with her).. Usually, if we are not working, we are together.. Even on weekends.. I understand this is another type of 'space' she needs but the problem here is, i do have friends of my own yet she doesn't.. So if i'm to go out with my friends on a regular basis, let's say once a week without her.. For that period, she doesn't really have anyone else to go to, she will be stuck at home (and she hates that, because when she lived at home she was very deprived of her freedom too and always wanted to go out).. The result = upset when i get home.. She tells me to go out and hang with my friends trying to be brave telling me she won't be upset but i know she will be because she's missing something.. So this is a pretty big contradiction, also entwining with the first problem, she is unable to trust people easily, so she is quite reluctant to make close friends who she can see on a regular basis.. She has friends but they are not as close as her old ones so she doesn't see them too often.. She also has alot of pride in that she doesn't want to call the friends she has (lets call them work friends) because she's afraid of looking desperate..

This is a big problem which lately has led to problem #3. Sometimes she will express herself and tell me why she's so upset, or been so upset lately. Unfortunatly this only happens when she has gotton to the point of tears.. This kills me because not only did i cause them but only then she'll tell me what i've been doing wrong, like "i need to give her space" or she feels "i'm too sensitive" (because i over anylise the situation.. WELL YOU CAN SEE WHY!), or she "didn't imagine life to be like this when she left home".. This one boggles me because yeah we aren't in the best financial position, we are both on apprentice wages so we go out but not extravagent, and i believe what she has now is better than what she did (no abuse, freedom to go out, and i treat her as good as i can every day).. So when she says this it makes me think i'm not doing something right.. Coupled with the fact she says she is getting bored, weather it be this hustle and bustle of just starting work and this routine, or of me and the way i am.. I really don't know.. These problems have only begun within the last month or so (problem #2 and #3)

Problem #4: We don't have sex anymore.. We used to have sex at least twice a week when she moved in and even more before she moved in, but now it's become once every 2 weeks, if that, and when we do, she seems uninterested, or loses interest half way.. I'm not a machine in bed but that's because i'm limitid to the stuff i can do.. She won't let me go down there, foreplay seems like a rush its just P and V contact most of the time.. I want to change it up but she's a bit conservative or self concious how she puts it.. And she only ever asks if i'm done, she's not motivated to let me get HER 'there', which disapoints me, because like i said, i'm a loving type of person, i like to give more than i take and i don't expect anything back, but to me, this feels like she's detatched from it.. Which in turn, means detatchments from some other area, weather it's my physique, or the other problems we're having, or it's just her.. I know sex is enjoyable for women, and we used to have a great time, she used to scream and moan (and no she wasn't faking because she would be all sweaty and hot and flustered when she wasn't even doing anything except lying there..

We have 4 problems:
- she can't communicate with me when i need her too, or expressing how she's upset, she hides it and hopes for it to go away and doesn't allow me to get inside her head.
- we spend alot of time together because she has noone else.. So i try to be there for her but it seems like it just makes matters worse.
- She say's she's getting bored or "didn't imagine life like this".. What could she mean, what can i do, would breaking up with her and allowing her to experience things on her own be better?
- We stopped having sex.. Not a major one as i think she needs time to be more comfortable with her body (she has an amazing body so i dunno why she thinks so).. But i aslo believe once the other problems are sorted this should go into place how it should..

Please i'm at crossroads here on what to do.. I know it's a huge essay but i've exhausted all my options and i'm scared i'm going to lose her, weather it's me calling it quits to make her happy, or her calling it quits to make herself happy.. Either way, without help, i'm headed for misery..

Thankyou so much for reading this and i'm looking forward to your feedback..

P.s I cut a few things out due to being too many charecters long so if you want to know i will email you..

[quietcrazy]

She's very scared right now. She has a lot of abandonment issues and that's something that never really goes away. This will sound bizarre, but when it comes to someone with issues of rejection or abandonment, it's actually very natural for that person to kind of shut down. It's a defense mechanism to prevent the person from getting too close to someone.

It sounds like she really likes you but also has a lot of growing and reflecting to do herself. You are both 18 which is scary young and that means that you are both very confused as to how to handle a good relationship. It's a very new thing to her and she just plain has no clue how to deal with it. It's like going to a cafe and ordering soup, even though the soup has always been bad before; you found a hair, it was too salty, it gave you food poisoning, etc. Then you go to a cafe that claims to have amazing soup, but you decline the offer because you have had much bad luck before so you order a mediocre egg scramble instead, even though the soup sounds very intriguing. You don't want to risk a bad experience, though.

I know I have some weird logic, but I hope this is making sense to you. It'll be a while before she can trust enough to allow genuine love in her life, but you simply have to accept that.

I did my best, I hope this helps some.

[damien1993]

She's very scared right now. She has a lot of abandonment issues and that's something that never really goes away. This will sound bizarre, but when it comes to someone with issues of rejection or abandonment, it's actually very natural for that person to kind of shut down. It's a defense mechanism to prevent the person from getting too close to someone.

Thanks for your response. I totally understand, and this only made it clearer. I explained the exact same thing to her father when i spoke to him, that "if you're going to want her to trust you, you need to fully commit, because the only reason she seems reluctant to talk to you is because she's been rejected so many times".

And that's what i'm trying to do my self. I'm trying to give her as much of me as i can, like talking to her about things and making her feel better about them, or opening up to her, but it's just hard because most of the time we need to do this talking she wants her space or just doesn't want to talk about it.. Either because she's already upset or she doesn't want to get upset (well i don't want her to get upset).

This is my main consern.. I'm not superstitious or anything but i do find it a bit creepy how star signs can give you a very basic insight to how someone's temperment is.. Me and my mother are virgos, we are exactly the same. My father, uncle, friend and girlfriend are geminis and all have traits which are very similar, like moodswings, like to go out alot and other similar traits. And from what i've noticed over many years is that my father is very stubborn and doesn't like to talk about his emotions/feelings. Not to mention he had a similar upbringing as V, it scares me to see this grown man who was in a relationship for 17 years, who still can't open up to his significant other. And it scares me that V will be like this forever. I know i can't change her, noone is ment to change..

But do you think it's right, that if you love someone, truely, that you would change a part of yourself to make them happy. When even you know yourself that it's damaging the relationship and yourself. Because i believe if she doesn't open up that it can cause more damage to her psychologically. Like if you never face your fears, you will never get over them sort of thing. I'm would never force it on her to change just so i can be happy. But i'd like to know what you think on that note?

But back to the real problem, do you think there's anything i can do to make things easier for her? If we get into another argument, what would be the best thing to do? I know she usually shuts down like that when she's had a really awful day, or when things aren't going her way (she thinks the whole world is against her sometimes), or when i've upset her. What are some things i can do to cheer her up or get her mind off it without provoking her. Or when would be a good time to back off. I'm asking this because i genuinly have no clue what to do when she's upset, i feel she gets rejected if i don't ask her what may be wrong.. But if i do ask too much sometimes she'll end up angry with me because i'm not giving her enough space. I just need a few tips on what i can do to avoid these situatuations.

Lastly i'd like to say thankyou. You cleared up this opening up issue. I know it will probably take a while before she trusts me enough to open up to me about anything. The problem here is that yes she does have those past issues which affect her ability to trust people, which also scares me a bit because she may always be like this. Because she's always getting let down. But if i show her she can trust me completely and fully with everything, where i never forget anything, never lie to her, and trust her with everything aswe,she'll have all the reason to confide in me, because if i never fail her, she might begin to believe that i would never let her down, which obviously i don't want to do in the first place. And that's my aim.

But one last question. I want to communicate my intentions to her, because i have told her before she has issues opening up to me but i never really understood why, i just guessed, so it just made it more difficult to talk about things. I do most of the talking in the relationship anyway.. (i just talk alot, hence my 2 essays :\) Do you think it would help telling her that i've been doing alot of thinking, and evaluating my actions and i've been doing something wrong, and tell her i'm planning to gain this deeper trust and explain possibly why it's not there.. Or should i just do it without letting her know and hope it falls into place?

Thanks again for all your help

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Dude, can you get your point across in less than 37 pages? Preferably in one page or less. Just the relevant facts buddy...emphasis on relevant.