Is it ok to stop being sorry?

[Journey2Virtue]

I know the title sounds weird. What I mean is, if you've gone through something traumatic in a relationship a long time ago (the loss of a baby), the guy moved on from it but you can't. Is it right to expect him to continue to be sorry or act remorseful or feel....anything at all on account of its been so long ago. No one wants to spend the rest of their life apologizing for the same thing right? But on the flip side, it if he played a huge role in it, like things would've been different if not for his part; or just the plain & simple fact that its something they went through together. But still it was years ago & he's completely detached, can you still expect him to be more supportive than "I don't know what to say" or remorseful? So is there a cut off point, where the girl should just leave him alone & go elsewhere for support?

(correction, over a year ago)

[HeartIsAching]

How long ago? And what do you mean, played a huge role in it?

[VincenzoG91]

If you can't forgive him and get on with the relationship, then the relationship needs to end. If what he did is so awful that forgiveness is not an option, then the breakup is inevitable and should happen as soon as possible. If what he didn't isn't that terrible, then you need to eventually forgive him. If you can't, that's your choice, but then you should leave him.

[Cerby]

You're upset because he is no longer upset? Grief is different for everyone, but expecting him to be sorry and sad about it just because you are is some sort of mind**** on your part. I think you shouldn't worry about how he reacts and start seeking therapy to get over it yourself.

The loss of a child, unborn or not, can and does ruin relationships due to the enormous emotional stress it can put onto the couple. In this case you've survived, but now it IS time to move on. 2 years have passed, the painful mourning phase should be over by now.

[Journey2Virtue]

Its not a forgiveness thing. Its like I feel alone or like maybe it never mattered to him, because he seems puzzled that I didn't just forget about it. I adore him & I'm not mad AT him at all. He was upset and confused & had not-so-great friends whispering all types of crap in his ear at the time. we're young and I don't blame him. I just don't see how I guy just forgets he was going to be a father and his child wasn't just a bunch of cells. He had a heartbeat. Sometimes I feel that he acts like it never mattered.

the painful mourning phase should be over by now....2 years have passed.

It hasn't been 2 years. sorry, see that I originally wrote years ago. Its been about a year and 2 months.
I don't know who told you that, but everything I read and people who've been through it that I spoke to said it never goes away & it stays with you for life. The pain changes, in that you're not going to always feel exactly how you felt when it first happened. But mourning the lost of your child and feeling pain doesn't have a time stamp on it. What I'm saying is, I just thought he would feel SOMETHING and share it with me, & then maybe I wouldn't feel feel like this orrible isolated thing happened only to me & its my fault (no I'm not looking to place or shame blame, its not about blame either). or when when my emotions about it arise, should I just leave him alone?

maybe I'm not explaining myself correctly?

[VincenzoG91]

People grieve differently, and not everybody experiences the same intensity of emotion. There is no set rule that his grief must synchronize precisely with yours. And some point, you need to get on with your life. Yeah, you might find a new guy who would be sympathetic, but eventually he too would want you to pull your crap together and get on with life. Also, keep in mind that men are generally raised to seem strong and stoic, not weepy or vulnerable.

[vashti]

I think you should stop expecting him to have the same reaction YOU have. Men do not experience the same feelings because they do not carry a pregnancy. This doesn't mean they don't mourn the loss, but it isn't quite the same when you don't have a life growing inside you.

If he is trying to be sensitive to YOUR grief, I think that is about all you should expect.

[IndiReloaded]

I think a lot more men than women bury their pain in work or other things. Look at breakups and how many guys cope by going out and chasing other girls. Doesn't mean they don't feel pain, often its quite the opposite.

[Journey2Virtue]

Thanks for the feedback.
Its not something I dwell on constantly, it was the biggest thing I've ever been thru. I don't expect the boy to be depressed. I'm not depressed or stuck. Once in a blue, it will come back to mind (which I've been told will probably be the case for years to come) & I don't stay quiet, I share it with the one who was right in the mist of it with me

But I didn't really think that just cuz he doesn't show it doesn't mean he doesn't care or feel anything. & its his perogative to keep it to himself.

Thanks

[Cerby]

I think you should speak to a therapist about it, or some kind of grief counselor. If you keep bringing it up over and over it will wear you both out over time. Vashti is right, the pregnancy was never physically with him, he never carried the baby, his connection to it was less than yours. It doesn't mean he doesn't mourn the loss, but as the male, he feels it differently.

You also quoted me and stated the pain changes, I agree, I stated the PAINFUL mourning period should be over, you will never forget that it happened, but you should be getting to the last stage of grief pretty soon, which is "Acceptance". It appears he is probably there already.