How to not be too nice and avoid being taken for granted.

[carlton99]

I've been seeing this woman for approx 3 months and wonder about the future between us as she is the more dominant one, which is fine but I am wary of handing everything on a plate to her and her not fighting for things, taking me for granted and me being too nice for her and therefore her finishing as it's no challenge.

Ok I should explain a bit about her background.........

She had a troubled childhood whereby she had to fight for everything nice and nothing was given to her on a plate, she has had a couple of bad relationships and this has mean't she is now on anti depressants (all be it a small dose). She therefore feels that she does not deserve me as I will do anything for her. She suggests me going round and I'm there, she suggests going somewhere and I do it. My feeling is that I am happy just to be with her although I did say to her recently I am getting more assertive/positive and if I don't want to do something I will say. I will never take the lead in a relationship - it is not in my nature. I make her calm as I am laid back and I won't let her down like previous people have but from an outsider it seems it is all on her terms and too easy. We have not declared our love for each other but she has told me she has loved her ex who messed her about and I feel I am the better person in most departments compared to him so maybe I should take a leaf out of his book and then she will fall in love with me. Having said that I'm not desperate for her to fall in love with me just yet as she has not been well recently and it has put our relationship back a little bit. She has asked for my help recently and instead of bending over backwards I compromised with her, she also invited me round recently and I said no I won't, so I feel I am making the right moves, but it is hard to say no I don't want to see you as I love seeing her.

I guess the bottom line is what my title thread said really......any advice on how not to be so nice and to avoid being taken for granted. She doesn't want a b**tard in her life but I need to be somewhere in the middle if possible.....kind/nice but not a doormat.

[TheCafeTerrace]

You can be kind and assertive, it's not a mutually exclusive choice. And saying no when she asks you to come round isn't the same as being assertive. You say you don't want to take the lead, I think you're just too lazy or spineless to take the lead - instead of expecting her to make the first move every time you should step up. Then people will stop thinking of you as a doormat.

[dinazcolada]

You can be nice, but don't be a pushover. It sounds like you are on the right path.

Just make sure you have clear boundaries with how far you will go or not. If she wants you to do too much, you can just tell her that it won't work for you.

If you have any specific questions, please send me any questions.

[surfhb]

Why do you want to be with someone who confessed feelings for an ex and takes medication to act normally? That's my question? Start your new attentiveness nature by finding someone without issues is my advice.....that's the whole point of dating

[aitcaicol]

you can be kind to the others. but dont overdo to be kind..