What is she thinking? I really need your help!

[MilleniumFalcon]

Ok ladies, I'll try to keep this short:

Basically a girl and I got to know each other. I sensed a bit of a vibe between us and after a few months I told her how I felt and asked her out. By a twist of fate I didn't get to physically hear what she said, but a few weeks later I asked for a bit of clarification (because I wasn't sure what was going on, I told her it was fine if she wasn't at all interested) and she said 'I'm really not in a place to see anyone right now,' when I said 'If that means you don't think of me that way...' and she said 'no, no its not that. I'm really just not in the right place.' I said maybe she would like to go out with me sometime in the future, just on a little date, and she agreed and asked me to email her at a set point.

I emailed and I waited a week, and received no reply. Now I know you will say 'no reply = no interest' but I have to tell you right now, this girl doesn't reply to people, at all. From what I know she only checks her email, phone etc once a week and still doesn't always reply to messages unless they are urgent, regardless of whom you are. We both attended an event in the meantime, and she didn't pay much attention to me (except when some other girls were crowded around me, she gave a few looks in my general direction) and when she was alone I decided to go up and just say hello and ask how her evening was going, and she said hi and did the same but didn't seem too talkative - she then said she was going to go and sit with her friends, so I felt a bit dejected. After that for the rest of the night (after returning to her friends, them all huddling together and her quite obviously telling them about me) she stared at me literally every minute or so, full on staring. I wasn't sure if that was an invitation to join them or something else. Although I was running out of free time for a date I decided to leave it, because I had to travel and figured maybe she wasn't interested after all.

I get back from my trip, and the first time we see each other, she stares at me, waves, smiles, I even caught her looking at my butt. I thought perhaps that was a good sign. For the last few months however we haven't seen each other around much, we have mutual friend circles but we are busy and she has dropped off of everyone's radar slightly. Whenever I am in the same room as her she always waves and smiles, looks over at me quite a lot, but never comes and says hello. Some days she seems flirty, and she seems like she wants to talk to me (for instance after my holiday she sat right next to me, said hello and asked about it), but other days she has opportunities to come and speak to me but never takes them.

Fast forward a while, and we get to a few nights ago. My friends and I had been invited to a charity show which was being held at her house block, I don't think she knew about me planning on going. When she walked in the room she walked straight over to a roomate of hers and blatantly said something along the lines of "thats him", because her roommate automatically started staring at me, and continued to look at me during the night. One of my friends went up to hug her (they know each other) and then she walked past our table, smiled at the friend next to me but then turned away, didn't smile at me at all, and gave me a bit of a side look. Later on I walked past her when she was talking with one of her best friends, and once again she did the "thats him" thing.

Her friends don't seem to dislike me. I'm good friends with one of her very close friends, and this friend has said that she doesn't dislike me (my interest) and the friend seems very interested in what I have to say about my interest, but never hints as to whether she likes me also. She certainly seems to be talking about me to a lot of her friends, but her recent negative behavior (not smiling at me or acknowledging me) has gotten me confused. I'm wprried that she thinks I'm a creeper or something (although I don't think I've given her much reason to believe so), but really I just don't know what's going on. From a woman's perspective, what do you think she's thinking? I really need your help.

[Boisdevie]

She's clearly not interested. Or playing games. Either way your prospects with her are zero. But here's the good news. There are lots and lots of women out there. Find one.

[MilleniumFalcon]

I just don't understand why she would even say yes to going out somewhere if she wasn't interested. Why, when I gave her a very obvious opportunity to pull out the 'lets just by friends' speech, did she not do it if that's the case? Why the flirting? She is very got and cold; some days its like she's interested and some it isn't. I know its probably a game, but I atleast want to know its rules so I can play it right back.

I feel like there are two options here - she either really likes me or really hates me, which is an uncomfortable type of uncertainty. Her friends are all really interested in me, enjoy meeting me etc. She had a dinner with an old work friend before she walked past me once (I was walking home from work) and that's when she pointed me out saying "that's the one", which implies I came up during their dinner conversation. I tend to think that you don't talk about people you absolutely loathe with an old friend, you talk about new people in your life.

I think she is really uncertain about me, she doesn't know what she wants. I think recently she may have been talking and thinking about me more, hence why suddenly all of her friends seem to know who I am off the bat. Maybe showing up at an event where she lives, when she hasn't seen me around for a while, without knowing I was coming, freaked her out a bit. She could have been nervous, confused etc.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

She is not interested in dating you. She may like your attention, and having you wrapped around her finger like her little bitch, but she is not interested romantically in you. Stop contacting her.

[Wakeup]

I dunno.. she seems to have made the effort to go over to you several times but you seem to not have ever volunteered to make the effort to initiate a connection well, except for the one email request (instead of in person) which you openly suggest she NEVER replies to.

Why don't you actually pay her some attention and ask her out one more time (in person) and actually have a place/time and hour in mind. If she makes some lame excuse or outright turns you down, then forget she exists and ignore the crap right out of her.

pssst ~ if she never responds to emails, phone, text, telex, carrier pidgeon or direct questioning then yea, forget the beotch.

[searock]

I don't think she's not interested... she actually seems quite curious about you. I think you should ask her out again, perhaps when she's close to her friends, go up to her and tell her if she can spare a minute, then ask her out. If she says no again, you'll know for sure that she isn't interested (or even if she is, she will have failed at communicating it to you so it will be irrelevant at that point).

[MilleniumFalcon]

Hey guys - thank you for taking the time to read and reply to me. I'm usually a very laid back person about relationships, but the level of uncertainty is just starting to make me feel awkward and paranoid. I think that might actually be a factor - we haven't had the chance to communicate openly with each other properly about where we currently stand, and I think that may be making both of us act strangely. I feel too confused to approach her and even act like a friend at this point because I'm scared she loathes me, so she's probably wondering the same about me.

I think the thing I'm worried about is that she is over complicating the situation in her mind. Sure, I said 'I like you' but I didn't say 'lets now engage in a serious long term relationship'. I asked her on a date just so I could get to know her more, she could get to know me, we could have some one on one time and if by the end of the date, one of us just doesn't feel it that's completely fine and I would be cool with just being friends. I think she's thinking I'm already very serious about this, which is a bit of a leap on her end. I also think she has a lot of change going on in her life; moving to a new place, new steps in her life, meeting more new people, not being as close to her family, having to maintain high grades for fear of losing scholarships etc. Maybe the thought of having to think about me on top of all of that just freaked her out.

I can't read her mind, so I think I just need to try and think about other things until the situation actually presents itself. The thing that's bothering me is that she seems fine with discussing me with her friends and our mutual friends, but not fine with actually articulating those thoughts to me personally, and letting me in on the loop. I suppose that could mean she's conflicted and doesn't actually have anything concrete to say to me, but I do find it a bit frustrating. I think its positive that our mutual close friend seemed extremely surprised when I asked her "do you think *my interests name* hates me?" and our mutual friend said a very surprised/confused "no...?"

[MilleniumFalcon]

Hi girls - I need some top up advice.

I'm seeing this girl that I've described in the posts, sometime this week at a party (yesterday on Facebook she clicked attending on all of these events which I had recently clicked attending on). We have a mutual circle of friends so I know I will be around her at some point during the night, if she actually shows up (she has a tendency to say she is going to do something, and never do it). I'm not sure how to approach her or speak to her. I don't want to come across pushy or like I'm trying to get the ball rolling quickly again, but I don't want to steer clear of her or come across too shy or stand offish. I want her to know that I want to catch up, I want to be casual and I want her to know I'm still interested but I don't want to be too forward or demanding, because I don't know what she's currently thinking about me. I do know she has been talking to everyone about me, which actually makes me feel really uncomfortable because I feel like everyone else is in the loop and I'm not. I'm not sure if its appropriate to ask her if she wants to grab coffee sometime, just to catch up, some point during our conversation - because I don't want to come off as desperate for contact or whatever. Also she has a tendency to say yes to me about meeting up together alone, but never following through by actually returning my messages - even though she herself asks me to send as many messages as I need to get her to reply back (which is a little rude, one should be enough). I feel like she constantly wants me to make the first move, and I'm not sure where we are at now. I assume the fact that she has discussed me with all of her friends, and her friends are very nice to me and seem curious, is a good sign - but the last time I saw her (being the time she gave me a side glance rather than a greeting) has put me off. She does this a lot, acting not interested one week and interested the next. So anyway, what should I say to her when I see her soon? What kind of tone should I try to have in the conversation?

[smackie9]

"She has a tendency to say yes to me about meeting up together alone, but never following through". This says "I'm not interested in going out with you....ever." She hopes that you will get the hint to stop asking her out.

[MilleniumFalcon]

"She has a tendency to say yes to me about meeting up together alone, but never following through". This says "I'm not interested in going out with you....ever." She hopes that you will get the hint to stop asking her out.

I would have to kind of disagree - although I understand that applies to some circumstances like this, this situation is different. The first time I asked her casually if she would like to go for coffee, her reaction was extremely enthusiastic, she almost screamed a yes. She was also the one who asked for my number and gave me her number when I couldn't remember it straight out, saying "please text me asap so I can have your's too". The second time I asked her out, she gave me a specific week to text her and said "text me as many times as you want, literally everyday until I remember to reply" - that doesn't sound like a girl who wants you to go away and leave her alone. I'm not sure if you read my original post up the top, but this girl doesn't fit into the typical "no reply = no interest" category. She says herself that she only replies to messages once every two or three weeks and "to never take it personally". She has told me she often makes times to hang out with friends and they call her, asking where she is on the day, and she forgot to show up and didn't realise. Essentially, her not replying is something I've learnt to not put into the equation, because she has told me personally its not a personal thing and she does it to everyone - whether that's a bad quality to have or not, is a different discussion.

Not to mention she's been just as flirty as me (usually more) and encourages me constantly, even when I have stated "if you would prefer to just be friends, if you aren't interest, please just tell me because I'm fine with it" and in reply to that she has always said "that's not what's going on". I figure if she wanted me to go away, and not ask her out again (although I haven't done so for months, its not like I'm pestering her) she would have just told me "yeah, lets just be friends" when I gave her the opportunity, and she wouldn't have said yes to a date during that conversation. I know girls can be a little too interested in being "gentle" with rejections sometimes, but really that's just illogical.

[Wakeup]

Just ask her out for coffee then and let the chips fall where they may. If she flakes on you though, I'd not bother with her anymore. She sounds a little flakey to be honest. "Just keep texting me until I reply" and her friends have to remind her that she's missing a planned get-together? Careful what you wish for.

[MilleniumFalcon]

Thanks Wakeup. She is indeed very flakey - she often has periods where she completely disappears off of everyone's radar, all of our mutual friends say she just disappears sometimes and can't be contacted. She is also apparently a little high maintenance. I think sometimes its always assumed that it must be the fault of the guy/girl who is doing the asking, rather than the guy/girl who is doing the flaking, the the flaking is happening. I guess some people are just flakey types and you can't take it as a personal rejection or attack, they just are how they are. I just don't see how her behavior adds up to "not interested and wants you to take a hint" when she is the one wanting me to text, accepting the dates, not rejecting me when I ask for clarification, never saying no, flirting, staring etc, and I guess its a little annoying when people flat out say "she's not interested, you're being silly" when really I think I'm being pretty objective. I'm not the type to ignore reality and if I could see she was saying no in some way I would be ok with it, but in this situation reality is just confusing.

[Wakeup]

Yea.. she keeps you confused, shes high maintenance, she's flakey and she SEEMS uninterested because she's not making any effort to be with you. Even if she is interested but dazed.. do you really want someone like her frustrating and confusing you on a steady basis? That's what I'm meaning by "careful what you wish for." I know you like her but take stock before you get your wish and be sure it's what you want.

[lylufy]

I see that your girl is so complicated !
She is a weird guy. She did not show her emotion obviously. Why?
She want you become confused ? All her appearance, her disappear, her behaviour when she crewed "yes", or never say "no"... are very illogical.
Did you feel what was going on her emotion ? Did you feel her sweet feeling for you? Or only her curious?
And I see you also did not have alot of love with her, right? You can accept her answer "no" easily.
Why you must focus on her much like that?

[MilleniumFalcon]

I see that your girl is so complicated !
She is a weird guy. She did not show her emotion obviously. Why?
She want you become confused ? All her appearance, her disappear, her behaviour when she crewed "yes", or never say "no"... are very illogical.
Did you feel what was going on her emotion ? Did you feel her sweet feeling for you? Or only her curious?
And I see you also did not have alot of love with her, right? You can accept her answer "no" easily.
Why you must focus on her much like that?

I agree, it is all really illogical. I think she probably doesn't know what she wants. She is hot and cold, never rejects me and seems to have some external issues that I'm not aware of that are complicating her life, so maybe she doesn't know if she wants me around or not. If I was judging what's happening based on the feelings I've gotten from her, the vibes she gives out, I would say she is interested in me, there was some form of attraction. The reason I'm ok with a no is because you just have to accept what you are given in life, and there's no point pushing a girl. I would be upset, but you have to live with it.