Girlfriend of 3 years, soon to be fiance, admitted cheating

[Somb]

Before you read, know that we were going to get married and move in soon, within 3-5 years. We we're each other's first love.

After almost 3 years of being together, we we're eachothers firsts everything. Except first kiss (for her). We dated all throughout high school and first year of college is when it all happened.

After I accused her of cheating with hard evidence, she finally confessed. Saying she was in a low point in our relationship and it was fueled by a big rumor that was started about me saying I was cheating all the time basically. So many people said it and so many said it so often that she let it get to her and she started to believe it.

A year ago, She had sex with a guy, gave him head, kissed two other guys, and sent flirty txts to another guy.

She and I have always been adamant about not cheating, we stood on the same level and would never cheat.

It broke me to find out everything was true. I really wish I never knew at this point even though I asked for the truth. I broke up with her today after staying up all night thinking about how I can't forgive her. I wouldn't want to kiss her lips, knowing where they have been while we're together and don't want to be intimate after knowing how she cheated when I did nothing of the sort.

She said it wasn't for fun. She said she felt like she was getting even and she hates herself for it. She cried while having sex with the one guy. No excuse but I thought I'd mention that. She cried very often because she realized the mistakes she made and I realized that none of the rumors were true.

She said she wasn't going to let me propose to her first without telling me, she just didn't want to lose me and couldn't find the right time to tell me something like that.

She lied to me and acted fake about so many things when she was cheating behind my back and I defended her everytime someone said something. I stuck with her until the end. But then it was all true. I felt so demolished because I would've never expected this from her. She is the sweetest person you'll ever meet.

I broke it off with her saying I don't know if I'll ever forgive her and I just want to be alone. I don't even want to think about relationships.

She was sorry, I could tell, I know she'd never do it again, I could also tell, but the thing is, she did it. Regardless if she would never again.

How much is too much to forgive? How much is too much to try to go on with?

I intend to wait a very long time and see if I can ever forgive her for what she did to me. She is sorry. She regrets it every second. I told her I may never want to get back together. She said even if I needed 10 years before I could forgive her, she'd wait patiently for because I'm not holding her up, there's no one else she'd rather be with. I feel the same for her.

What should I do? My heart says continue with her, get married in a few years, life happily ever after. My mind says, even though she's remorseful, she ****ed you over one too many times. Leave her forever.

So for now, I choose the middle ground. Its over but there may be a possibility of me forgiving her in the future.

Am I doing the right thing?


On a side note, my step dad and mother broke up the same way. Everyone started talking rumors about my mom cheating although she was in the house everyday and I know she didnt, she never would. A few times through the relationship, I shared this story with my gf, fearing that the same may happen to us and I figured if she heard the story, even though it seemed like she didnt believe the rumors, that if she did, the story may knock sense into her. I guess not.

EDIT: Part of me also doesn't want to get back together until she hurts like I did. I want her to know the pain I felt. Even though she's very remorseful, I feel its not enough.

[searock]

If you can't forgive her, don't get back together with her. Only you can know if you are able to forgive her or not.

[Somb]

Right now my emotions have taken control. I know that time heals all wounds. Right now I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel but I feel maybe I will after a long time has passed. I want to be with her so bad but I feel its not right, I wouldn't be happy and I'd always have that in the back of my mind. Even though we had something special, we clicked the first day we talked, we're basically male/female versions of each other, what she did to me, may have broken the future forever and I don't know if giving her another chance is the thing that will make me happier. I also know I could just walk away from it all, "Plenty more fish in the sea" is the saying but I don't want any other fish. I want this fish.


EDIT: I wish she could understand my pain. Anyone who has been in the same position as me, knows how terrible it feels. This is the first time I've ever been cheated on and it feels horrible. I am not one to cry. I think I cried 1-2 times in the past year and not even bawling but when I think about how she ****ed him, and gave him head and made out with him, I break down. I can't help it. I feel so powerless. I feel so helpless. Its so much worse than physical pain. I'd prefer 10,000 punches to the face any day than to feel this.

EDIT2: Can anyone give me more insight on my problem?

[Cerby]

Somb, Even if you forgive her, your relationship will never be the same. The trust you had can be rebuilt, much like a broken glass can be glued back together, but it will never be as solid as it once was. Personally some people here believe in second chances, I believe that there is no recourse for cheating. My advice is to end the relationship and not consider reconciliation. But that is only my opinion.

[Wakeup]

Just do what you're doing and if you miss her enough, and she's stupid enough to wait for you to finish punishing her, then you will reconcile then. If you want to do a more mature thing, one that will allow you to be able to trust her again and for her to understand herself enough that she'll not need to get the attention of other men, then I suggest you go to couples councelling with her and then perhaps marriage classes. If you think being together is worth it to both of you, then doing both those things will not seem like too much to ask of one another.

Just to sit and pine while you deep down want to punish her and while you do that, punish yourself by denying your self of her company is immature thinking at it's worst and a down right waste of your time at best.

Bottomline: Shit or get off the pot. Let her go for good, go zero contact and stop thinking about any type of future with her or: Forgive her, get the professional help you both need to aid you in a true reconcilliation and hopefully, put this all behind yourselves. To just take her back without doing a thing though is just a recipe for history to repeat itself.

[HeartIsAching]

She was sorry, I could tell, I know she'd never do it again, I could also tell, but the thing is, she did it. Regardless if she would never again.

How much is too much to forgive? How much is too much to try to go on with?

No, you do NOT know that. She cheated on you because she believed that you'd cheated on her - this is distrust on her part leading to her using a false belief (that if someone hurts her, she has the right to hurt them back) to cheat. You've got no proof whatsoever that her insecurity and distrust of you won't lead to her doing it again.

You need to decide if that's too much, if that's a deal-breaker. It would be to me, but I'm not you.

[bluesummer]

I'm sorry I take a hard line with cheaters, they gotta go. She was insecure enough in herself and in the relationship that she immediately went and took 'revenge' for something she hadn't yet proven to be true. Girl's got issues. The way she went about getting her 'revenge' was juvenile and callous as far as I'm concerned.

People WANT to forgive their cheating spouses so badly but they truth is, 90% never really do. It will come up in every argument you have in the future. You'll brood over it and she'll resent you for not really forgiving her. It will eventually break you up. The only way it won't is if you're that incredibly stand-up (naive?) guy that can just wipe the slate clean and HONESTLY never think about it again. However, my bet is that you will.

[Wakeup]

^^^ That's totally your own opinion ~ just saying because It's hard to believe that 90% of all cheaters who do not break up over one infidelity allow that betrayal to fester like you suggest. I would think that those that cannot get past it have not gotten the marital councelling that they BOTH need to be able to trust one another again and to help them find where the emotional disconnect occurred or, where they did not have the same relationship boundaries and therefore were not educated on how to remain non-vulnerable to members of the opposite sex.

The problem I see over and over again in forums when there is cheating involved is that the couple in question did not discuss and mutually agree to some very fundamental relationship boundaries... Forming and discussing mutually agreed upon relationship boundaries is the very first step to keeping a life-mate, for life without having to worry about infidelity or lack of trust.

Op: As I said, if you're going to keep her and she you, then don't just go back blind, on a hope and a prayer and expect it to all be just fine. Be prepared to do the work (with the help of a professional) or you will end up like what Bluesummer suggests - sure as shit.

[Cerby]

I think that forgiving a cheater is simply BS in itself. You can talk about setting boundaries and all that shit, or all the reasons why they must have felt it necessary to cheat, but if someone thinks that they can cheat on you because of grey boundaries, then that shows what little respect they have for the relationship in the first place. The fact she had a YEAR to come clean about it and didn't also speaks to who she is.

Yea, waste some money on couselling if you must, but since you're not married, I'd just cut her loose and find someone new to start over with who hasn't already cheated on you. That trust will likely never be rebuilt, and since you aren't all in and already married with kids, there is no one to stay together for. Dump her and make sure when anyone asks, you tell the truth, you left her because she cheated on you. If you want her to feel pain, let the mutual acquaintances you share know the truth, nothing more.

[Wakeup]

Lots of people think like you Cerby and that's fine for you and those that think that way. I'm not saying it isnt. Op: Is heartbroken and is unwilling to do what you've suggested which is to break all ties. He has broke up with her with the adendum that they see what happens in the future (after he's finished punishing her for all intents and purposes) All I'm saying is that if he's going to take her back, that he just don't do it without the councelling and marriage classes.

[Drumzzz]

I don't think this will last in the end
It will always come up in fights and you'll never forget it
+ she did it out of revenge...
I know you love her, but als hard als it may be
Use your disgust to your advantage and try to forget her

[bluesummer]

^^^ That's totally your own opinion ~ just saying because It's hard to believe that 90% of all cheaters who do not break up over one infidelity allow that betrayal to fester like you suggest. I would think that those that cannot get past it have not gotten the marital councelling that they BOTH need to be able to trust one another again and to help them find where the emotional disconnect occurred or, where they did not have the same relationship boundaries and therefore were not educated on how to remain non-vulnerable to members of the opposite sex..

It's an opinion based on experience Wakeup. I 'forgave' my ex for cheating.....but what it really amounted to was that I just took him back. This is true of almost everyone I've known that's been cheated on. Sadly, mostly women but a couple of men too. What I was referencing was the fact that people don't ever really forgive or put the work into therapy or counselling, they just take the person back and pray it won't happen again. However, because the problem was never really fixed on either end, the one who took the cheater back does build up resentment because they never really got to deal with it. I'm not talking out of my ass here. I've seen it many times, up close and personal.

[Wakeup]

It's an opinion based on experience Wakeup. I 'forgave' my ex for cheating.....but what it really amounted to was that I just took him back. This is true of almost everyone I've known that's been cheated on. Sadly, mostly women but a couple of men too. What I was referencing was the fact that people don't ever really forgive or put the work into therapy or counselling, they just take the person back and pray it won't happen again. However, because the problem was never really fixed on either end, the one who took the cheater back does build up resentment because they never really got to deal with it. I'm not talking out of my ass here. I've seen it many times, up close and personal.

You didn't mention anything the first time about the councelling bit. It seems we're agreeing about that being needed if it's got a chance to work out. That's what I was referring to..

I don't think that very many people can work through a betrayal on their own, either. They need guidance and an unbiased professional third party to help them BOTH with getting over an infidelity. Hence why I mentioned it a couple of times to the Op about not just going back (if he's going to ~ he appears wishy washy about it at this point) because the majority of the time, neither of the parties can just forget what happend nor have they figured out why it happened.

[IndiReloaded]

I'm with Blue. Counselling doesn't help with this kind of thing, I don't think. I too know people who were cheated on and took their partner back. They forgave, in the sense that life went on, but they never forgot. There was a bitter scabbed over wound even decades later. This from very reasonable, rational people.

Its morel like adapting to a chronic, low-grade ailment. You can overlook it most days but its always there.

[bluesummer]

I talked to my ex not too long ago and he apologized for being a dink so many years ago. I told him I'd forgiven him but I'd never forget, and that was what keeps me from making the same mistake again. I know how it feels and I'm not even sure counselling would help for me, personally.

I've told my current hubby (who is a very great guy) that if he ever cheated on me, the marriage would be over. To me, the breaking of my trust, on that level, is just unforgivable. Some people can see past it, some can't. I can't. I'm not even sure I respect people that can, but to each his own.