be cruel to be kind if you must

[1smittenkitten]

Ok I know people like to give rather caustic tough love advice around here and I've chickened out infinite times. I even wrote a thread but didnt ask a question I was too scared of getting an answer I didn't like but I am just dying to know what other peoples opinions on this are and I have sworn off bothering my real life friends about any of my online nonsense.

I met a guy online, its awkward for many reasons not the least of which is we have both been single by choice for -years- and very much shun and mock online relationships. |he has let it be known he
definitely sees me as potential relationship material, that this scares him and he will not meet me in real life (though we live half an hour from one another) or take me seriously in any way other than as an internet friend for one year. Won't call my phone won't take it offline. He has never met someone from online before. I have reminded him several times that I am celibate by choice and that he is a cocky bastard to assume wed ever get in a relationship anyway. On multiple occasions we have somehow started talking about some way we will behave in our future relationship or some preference we have with a mate. its almost as though this relationship is predestined, except, NOT AT ALL because like, yeh not even met this guy irl - hello?
I'm starting to get alarm bells, and I don't know if it is because this whole thing is really ridiculous or if I am psyching myself out (celibate for several years by choice = some issues, right?)-

is it a reasonable request do you think? Would -you- wait a year to meet someone you really like?

Sometimes we spend tons and tons of time online together, listening to music, chatting with friends, flirting... As I said in my chicken out post, we have a cycle where we get really close and then we both distance ourselves ( I need my -me- time as well) . he has told me he has to distance himself, he keeps getting "love feelings" for me and it scares him and sigh.. anyway Normally he comes back after a few days to a week right around the time Im emerging from my latest art project or whatever but this time he comes back and hangs out with me about an hour every 2 days. it seems like he is coming around -just- often enough to let me know he still digs me, but the least possible amount of time that he could do it in.. haha,

-for the record I never ever ever give him slack about when or how long he talks to me not once have I asked him where he was or what he was doing etc but I have to admit its embarrassing me how often I check to see if he's on. I know it is unattractive (I would die of shame if he ever found out I came to an online forum for advice, but im a talker, and as i said, ive sworn off bothering my rl friends about this stuff,

- one time I did ask him if it would be cheesy if I told him I had missed him, and he admitted he missed me too and called me by one of my nicknames, on another occasion I sent him an offline message about a dream I had in which we were laying together and he got up and left me, and he responded with a dream HE had, about us laying together and him pulling me in closer, which lead into a conversation about how he loves my shape and I sent him a fairly risque photo of me in a thong.. |Normally we really do not do things like that or have uhm, sexy kind of conversations but he said something uhm, well lets just say he was interested in the photo and started babbling about how he liked it, and then ugh he seriously started telling me about his ex and how she was really beautiful, and oh it may have been her in the dream, I guess he realized that was kind of cruel and added "or maybe it was no one, just a figment of the dream with the ideal body shape I like"

is this just a defense mechanism on his part? like he got close to me and had to push suddenly, is this a major sign/ warning bell.. jesus seriously, I need to know how beautiful your ex is?

I totally get why he is doing it, but it still hurts my feelings. I need to get a life right?

A year?? Seriously?? sometimes I feel like if you haven't made up your mind by now you never will, if I'm not the one right now I never will be, and other times I feel like I would be a bitch not to give him one year, what's one year?

advice, please!

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I read the first four sentences, and two of those were introductory sentences. Anyway, this is retarded. He said he's not going to meet you or take you seriously. Stop talking to him you weirdo.

I also just happened to glance at your post again and I see you asked if you need to get a life. The answer is yes. Forget about this and move on. Find a hobby or something. How old are you?

[1smittenkitten]

For a year is the rest of the sentence you didn't bother to read. He will not meet for one year. Lazy illiterates need not apply kthx.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

There's a difference between an inability to read, and a lack of motivation to read a retarded story about someone so socially inept that they are cultivating a relationship with, and falling for someone who doesn't even want to meet them. I don't buy your bullshit about being single by choice, either. Judging from your introduction and the title of your thread, you know what you're doing is really ****ing stupid, and you came here to confirm it. Why else would you be so timid in your posting, unless you already had an idea of what kind of answers you were going to get?

Anyway, yes, get a life. Stop typing to this guy who has no interest in meeting you. Putting a year time limit on it, is just his way of trying to spare your feelings. If he had any real interest, he'd want to meet you before someone else does. He doesn't really care about you. You are just someone he can get online and waste time with.

[1smittenkitten]

I don't mind that you're trying to be an asshole, this guy I'm talking about does that all the time too and I find it charming because he is quite clever. You on the other hand are not particularly clever and your commentary tends to be completely irrelevant to the topic. You're mean for the sake of being mean without offering anything of value. You do not even bother to read the full posts you comment on. Your grade school antics are tiresome, next I suppose you'll be asking me "why I'm mad, bro"

Being cruel to be kind is one thing, but "trolling" should be done better than this or not at all.

Would anyone else care to comment? I'd be interested in hearing from people who think I am making a mistake but I'd appreciate if your reasons could have something to do with reality and not because you tend to troll this forum every day.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I'm actually not trying to be an asshole, charming, or clever. I'm making an objective commentary on the ridiculous situation you've found yourself in, in the tone that I always take. You're calling my antics, gradeschool, yet you are in love with a guy, you chat with on the internet you've never even met, and furthermore does not want to meet you. Welcome to the trainwreck that is your life(*smackie?).

If you're immature, and incapable of handling the truth, which to me seem to be the two traits that got you into this mess in the first place, then what I said to you is 'mean' and devoid of value.

At least I was nice enough to comment. My reasons are based in reality. If someone loves you, they will want to meet you...and sooner, not later. Grow up. No one else even thinks nonsense like this is worth the time. As for coming here everyday, it's an interesting place, and I have 8 hours a day, 5 days a week to burn.

By the way, I did read your full post, and it is full of the exact type of nonsense I figured it would be. You owe me two minutes of my life back.

[1smittenkitten]

Where did I say I'm in love with this guy?? (I'm not) or that he is in love with me?

This is what I mean about irrelevant trolling. You are incapable of basic reading comprehension and so your comments are completely useless to me. They are biased and based on your assumptions and not on anything I have actually written. My problem with your replies is not that you are an asshole rather my problem is that you're a stupid asshole and that is just unforgivable I'm afraid.

By the way, you having too much time to burn is of absolutely no interest to me and something I had already assumed.

Cool story though.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I apologize, you "really like" him, and constantly check on him when he doesn't contact you, and he has "love feelings" for you. Sounds like dependency more than anything.

I'm at work, so I get paid for the time spend here..almost as much as a psychiatrist would. Anyway, calling me stupid isn't going to change the facts. You asked, point blank, if you needed to get a life, instead of spending "tons and tons" of time "hanging out" with him. The answer, is yes. I don't know what you have going on in your life, but you need to find something because this isn't healthy, and you already know that or you wouldn't be here.

[1smittenkitten]

I apologize, you "really like" him, and constantly check on him when he doesn't contact you, and he has "love feelings" for you. Sounds like dependency more than anything.

I'm at work, so I get paid for the time spend here..almost as much as a psychiatrist would

I love that you just bragged to me on the internet about how much money you make.

Yes I do "really like him" but nowhere did I say I constantly check on him. What I said is

"I have to admit its embarrassing me how often I check to see if he's on."

That could mean anything. You just choose to assume it is "constant". Constant is a completely relative term anyway. What is your definition of constant?

Giving a shit whether or not someone from the internet is online even as much as once a week is not something I am comfortable with.

.

Anyway, calling me stupid isn't going to change the facts. You asked, point blank, if you needed to get a life, instead of spending "tons and tons" of time "hanging out" with him. The answer, is yes. I don't know what you have going on in your life, but you need to find something because this isn't healthy, and you already know that or you wouldn't be here.

haha it's hilarious how even a short reply from, you is filled with multiple glaring error. I asked no such thing. What I asked was

I totally get why he is doing it, but it still hurts my feelings. I need to get a life right?

Which is in reference to him talking about his ex girlfriend being an attractive woman. I feel like worrying about dumb shit like whether or not his ex may or may not have been hotter than me warrants needing more of a life. On the other hand it is unnecessary for him to bring up and I'm offended that he did. I was curious if readers would shrug that off or if that's something they would be bothered by?

so anyway, no

calling me stupid isn't going to change the facts. You asked, point blank, if you needed to get a life, instead of spending "tons and tons" of time "hanging out" with him.

but quoting myself correctly will and amazingly enough it also supports my theory that you're stupid. Maybe English isn't your first language?

As far as the amount of time I devote to this online stuff I am perfectly comfortable with the "dumb internet shit" vrs "work/school/family/friends" ratio.
The reason I'm here is not in fact because my life is unhealthy rather, I enjoy talking about this guy. It is a pleasant distraction. There's no one in real life I would want to acknowledge liking a guy from the internet to so here I am, on..
lo and behold...

wait for it..

wait for it...

The internet.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

What is the ideal outcome you are hoping for, from this situation? Do you feel it is currently worth putting however much or little energy you put into interacting with him? If the answer is yes, do you feel it would be worth it to continue putting this amount of energy into it? Do you know what you are going to do if you if he still is not ready to meet in a year? Why are you celibate by choice, and for how long?

[1smittenkitten]

I made a decision for myself 5 years ago. I decided that I would learn to be happy by myself as an independent woman. I swore that I would never be dependent on a man for money, or company, or self esteem. I Got a new job, I am in school to pursue a career I am passionate about. Started eating healthier, working out regularly. Made a bunch of girlfriends. I make music with Ableton Live, I sing every single day. I Reconnected with a good female friend from my past. I quit smoking and dropped friends who weren't good for me. I did every single bit of it for ME. I have maintained this for five years and I'm happier more productive and certainly physically healthier than I can ever remember. The result of all of this self improvement of course was more self esteem which in turn attracted all sorts more men and MUCH less tolerance for any of their bullshit. I dated for a bit last year but no one met my new (much higher) standards and I sure as shit wasn't putting out just cause I went on a few dates with someone. I realized that I was genuinely not interested in the type of guy I imagined myself to be interested in. That whatever I wanted was not where I was looking and I didn't care enough to look elsewhere cause I was having fun doing my own damn thing.

This is of course when I met the guy I like a lot who definitely likes me a lot too.

What's my ideal outcome that I am hoping for.. that genuinely seems so loaded to me. I am trying not to have one of those, because one tends to disappoint themselves with those. As I said, we have both sort of talked about it together. About our "future relationship that might be" What side of the bed we prefer, What he is going to do to drive me insane on purpose because he finds it funny. It's cute to flirt like that and I get a bit giddy but I know it's just talk. Just flirting.

I try not to imagine it otherwise. It seems too far fetched and in the distant future where anything could happen between now and then. Anything at all, and I like knowing that I'll be fine with it. Whatever it is I'll be just fine.
One year. That is my cut off. He made a deal, he said if we are still friends in a year we will meet and see what happens. If he breaks that deal I'm done. I wouldn't even want to be friends with a deal breaker and I've cut off friends I've had longer, for less.

I think that asking for a year seems reasonable, albeit difficult to deal with. I came here wanting to be talked out of it. Or wanting people to try, I want to see the other argument. I am really good at convincing myself it's a great idea, I wanna know why it isn't.

[Maple1714]

It just doesn't really make any sense why he wants to wait a year to meet in person? Is he waiting for a divorce to finalize? Is he waiting until his 18th birthday? Remember you are communicating with someone over the Internet....it could all be a lie. Have you seen that documentary called Catfish? You should watch it.

You think you know this person...but really you have no idea who he is.

[Maple1714]

The whole telling you about his ex thing...sounds to me like he is just playing around with you. He was bored and started up some weird online relationship with you. Shits weird.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

A year?? Seriously?? sometimes I feel like if you haven't made up your mind by now you never will, if I'm not the one right now I never will be, and other times I feel like I would be a bitch not to give him one year, what's one year?

Here are some good reasons to start with. Just think about it. You're going to sit here for a year cultivating this image of him, and you're only going to know what he wants you to know. You yourself know that none of this smells right. That's why I said I didn't need to read more than the first few sentences, to realize that you know this is nonsense yourself. You even said you won't talk to any of your friends about it, because you know it's nonsense and you know exactly what they will say to you. It's stupid. The idea of waiting a year. He won't call you on the phone?! Any way you look at it, it does not make sense. Sounds to me like he likes the attention and probably isn't who/what he says he is. Even if he's on the up and up, do you even want to be with someone who is such a coward, and so afraid of his emotions. Do want a talker or a doer? Why does asking for a year seem reasonable? How does that make any sense?

I think you have a problem with intimacy, and that's probably why you were felt safe with this guy, since he was on the interwebz and you could really feel it out first and cut it off easier if need be. It's one thing to be an independent woman(or man), but you sound almost angry about it. Were you controlled in a previous relationship or something? You can be in a relationship and still keep your sense of self.

You came here wanting to be talked out of this, because you know that whatever the reason for this request is, is bullshit. He's most likely hiding something, and if he's not, then he's just a coward. Maybe you should just try online dating, so you can talk to people and get things started, but still have the control that you had with this guy, and the people will actually be willing to meet you. Anyway, you should just tell this guy to call you when he's ready to meet, give him your number, and ignore all contact from him from that point on.

[Wakeup]

I don't mind that you're trying to be an asshole, this guy I'm talking about does that all the time too and I find it charming because he is quite clever. You on the other hand are not particularly clever and your commentary tends to be completely irrelevant to the topic. You're mean for the sake of being mean without offering anything of value. You do not even bother to read the full posts you comment on. Your grade school antics are tiresome, next I suppose you'll be asking me "why I'm mad, bro"

Being cruel to be kind is one thing, but "trolling" should be done better than this or not at all.

Would anyone else care to comment? I'd be interested in hearing from people who think I am making a mistake but I'd appreciate if your reasons could have something to do with reality and not because you tend to troll this forum every day.

Please seek councelling. This whole situation is just so dysfunctional that I actually got a little creeped out thinking about how you two waste your lives being titalated by one another strictly from your online bullshit.

Girl.. you are wasting your life and you must have issues if you'd even contemplate waiting a full year to meet this douche. There are real men out there that online date that are assertive, are'nt afraid of commitment or even a good rousing non-commital sex session that would make you forget this pansy after one coffee.

What's wrong with you that you continue on with him?

He's most likely hiding something,

Yes, most likely. Prolly a wife, girlfriend, 400 or so pounds, a few bodies in his basement, the fact he used to be a woman? Borderline personality disorder. Cripes there could be 1000's of others.
I agree with Backup.. your gut is telling you something, don't ignore it. If it's not telling you something then I ask again ~ what's wrong with you that you'd allow this to continue on under his conditions and his alone. Are you that addicted to your crappy online banter that you give up yourself and allow him to string you along?