In love with an older man, but does he love me?

[vashti]

Utter shit. Of course age matters. I'm 48 and the idea of shagging someone say 20 years older than me makes me nauseous.

Couldn't agree more with the inappropriateness... and I have been married to an older man. Wisdom comes with experience.

I have to point out, though, that most men wouldn't f*ck a woman 20 years older, but they wouldn't mind doing it with someone 20 years younger... utter hypocrisy.

To the original poster - you are nothing more than an ego boost to a man who is too old for you. He isn't going to leave his wife - men rarely leave for another lover. Tell this man to go pick on someone his own age.

[haxan]

I have to point out, though, that most men wouldn't f*ck a woman 20 years older, but they wouldn't mind doing it with someone 20 years younger... utter hypocrisy.

C'mon vashti, I wouldn't say that's hypocritical. If a man is in his mid 40's, he may still be physically attractive. That they would be attracted much more to a cute 20's something as opposed to someone in their 60's is just kind of realistic, not hypocritical. Wouldn't you agree?

There's less separation of physical beauty from 20 something's to well maintained 40 something's, than their is from 40 something's to 60 something's. I think it's just mother nature taking a much harder toll. Now, you could take a hard ridden 40 something and a very well maintained 60 something and have something there, but there's less odds in that I think.

[Kokombos]

Couldn't agree more with the inappropriateness... and I have been married to an older man. Wisdom comes with experience.

I have to point out, though, that most men wouldn't f*ck a woman 20 years older, but they wouldn't mind doing it with someone 20 years younger... utter hypocrisy.

To the original poster - you are nothing more than an ego boost to a man who is too old for you. He isn't going to leave his wife - men rarely leave for another lover. Tell this man to go pick on someone his own age.

Hi, I was for 2 years with a woman 17 years older than me.

Come back in 20 years when she's 40 and he's 60 and tell us that they're still happily married. Just one exception does not prove the rule.

This is also something that bothers you all the time when dating someone older. Personally, I got over saying the following: "How many relationships actually last 20 years? If we make it to 20, then it was probably worth it".


To the OP:
Yes, he COULD be having feelings for you, he doesn't have to be an asshole for wanting you (though he could be one).

But if he IS having feelings, he is also probably having a shit-load of doubts about it, mostly because of the age difference. I can tell you a couple of things:

- The older partner usually brings in experience, which you'll will defenetly much appreciate. But he will also suffer from trust issues when it comes to commitment. It's like he is in constant disadvantage because of being much older, as if you could "grow up, get tired and walk away". This makes him getting emotionally invested in you much harder. And that could be an issue when it comes to "leave my current relationship of a girl half my age, who could at any given time get tired of me and walk away".
I know my ex-gf was very over-protective because of this, and I always knew why.

- You might find yourself sharing an amazing time together, but when it comes to hanging out with friends and family, as supportive as they can be (my family wasn't), it will feel ackward and in some cases impossible.

- The "what happens 20 years from now" question will always exist (read above).

I'd say, think what YOU want. If you think this could be a man you can be with, in spite the age difference, then go ahead and be with him, just make you sure you force him to blank his situation and not become a mistress. And yes, as other posters said, the wise thing to do is NOT get into this type of relationships, but oh well, I know it's easier said than done.

[Ange Barnes]

The age difference isn't the issue, it's the fact that he is willingly in a relationship with someone else. Working together also creates complications. If you are both serious about each other then deal with the real issues at hand.

[Kokombos]

The age difference isn't the issue, it's the fact that he is willingly in a relationship with someone else. Working together also creates complications. If you are both serious about each other then deal with the real issues at hand.

Actually, yes it is part of the issue. The man could be refusing to give up his current relationship because he is affraid that the "new" one might turn out to be very unstable because of the age difference.

[Wakeup]

Actually, yes it is part of the issue. The man could be refusing to give up his current relationship because he is affraid that the "new" one might turn out to be very unstable because of the age difference.

*sighs* he shouldn't even be entertaining having a relationship of any kind with the Op if he's already got a partner. His age, in this particular instance is irrelevant to the situation on hand. he's already emotionally cheating and he's dragging her (and she's contemplating letting him) into being the other woman.

[Kokombos]

*sighs* he shouldn't even be entertaining having a relationship of any kind with the Op if he's already got a partner. His age, in this particular instance is irrelevant to the situation on hand. he's already emotionally cheating and he's dragging her (and she's contemplating letting him) into being the other woman.

Well, we don't really know his situation. How many people have found themselves in a relationship just for the sake of not ending up alone?

I know a lot of people like that. I'm not defending the man, I'm just saying he could be full of it and just want to screw around, or maybe he just clicked with her (the OP) in ways he never did with his current partner.

I'd advice her NOT to get involved here, but it's obviously too late for that. So if she wants something with him, then I'd advice her not to become his mistress but to force him to choose.

[vashti]

C'mon vashti, I wouldn't say that's hypocritical. If a man is in his mid 40's, he may still be physically attractive. That they would be attracted much more to a cute 20's something as opposed to someone in their 60's is just kind of realistic, not hypocritical. Wouldn't you agree?

No, sorry. This is just the wishful thinking of a 40-something male, who imagines he is more physically on-par with a 20 year old than a 60 year old, which really isn't the case the majority of time (though there may be exceptions). And even if the 40-something is relatively healthy, all it takes is for ONE thing to go wrong, and you end up with a domino effect. I see it all the time; body parts wear out, and people get old. This is a fact. An attractive 60 year old is to a 40 year old what an attractive 40 year old is to a 20 year old.

[haxan]

No, sorry. This is just the wishful thinking of a 40-something male, who imagines he is more physically on-par with a 20 year old than a 60 year old, which really isn't the case the majority of time (though there may be exceptions). And even if the 40-something is relatively healthy, all it takes is for ONE thing to go wrong, and you end up with a domino effect. I see it all the time; body parts wear out, and people get old. This is a fact. An attractive 60 year old is to a 40 year old what an attractive 40 year old is to a 20 year old.

I'd just have to agree to disagree with you on the degree of separation physically from a 25 to 45 to 65 year old.

[vashti]

I'd just have to agree to disagree with you on the degree of separation physically from a 25 to 45 to 65 year old.

We'll see what you say when you are 65.

[Wakeup]

Well, we don't really know his situation. How many people have found themselves in a relationship just for the sake of not ending up alone?

Does that make it right? Does that not tell Op that if he'd do it with her, then he's such a weak, codependent that he'd certainly do it on her. Even more reason why op should tell grandpa to go fk himself and leave her alone.

I know a lot of people like that.

What? Codependent and unable to love themeselves enough to be alone for more than 10 mins. That's sad.

I'm not defending the man, I'm just saying he could be full of it and just want to screw around, or maybe he just clicked with her (the OP) in ways he never did with his current partner.

Of course he wants to do that. Because he's too afraid to leave or he actually still loves the woman he is with, or, they could even have an open relationship for all op knows and he's just grooming her to be his bit on the side. The bottomline is: She is to be a bit on the side. Surely she's not that stupid and lacking in self-worth that she'd allow him to place her in that category?

I'd advice her NOT to get involved here, but it's obviously too late for that.

No it isn't. She's come her for advice so obviously her gut and conscience and love of self is telling her to look out for herself, hence why she just didn't go do what Pops has asked her to do.
Hopefully what she hears here will pursuade her to not get involved with a man who already is in a relationship.

So if she wants something with him, then I'd advice her not to become his mistress but to force him to choose.

This I agree with. However: If he is extremely older than her, she might want to consider what some are saying about huge age differences. if in fact it is a 'huge' gap. We still don't know how much older he is than her.

[Kokombos]

What? Codependent and unable to love themeselves enough to be alone for more than 10 mins. That's sad.

I wonder who screwed you over to be so pissed off. Anyway, yes it *may* be sad, but some people just can't be alone. I won't talk for women, but a lot of men suffer a lot from confidence issues, and ultimately they become weaker for fearing of being weak.

No it isn't. She's come her for advice so obviously her gut and conscience and love of self is telling her to look out for herself, hence why she just didn't go do what Pops has asked her to do.

She titled this topic "I'm in love with him, but does he loves me?". She didn't titled it "should I fall in love with him?", we are passed that.

So I explained it *could* be possible he IS in love with her but not quite sure to take the "leap of faith" that means quitting your relationship and starting a new one with a woman half his age. Again, it's a possibility, no a fact. I could easily tell if I hanged around with the man, but I can't.


That's why I told her that, should she persuit this relationship, she must force him cuts ties with his current partner.

[Wakeup]

I wonder who screwed you over to be so pissed off and I'm hardly "pissed off" in the least.

No one has ever screwed me over... and I'm no where even near "pissed off." Just stating some facts, jack! I don't allow myself to be screwed over because I have enough sense to read red flag behaviour rather quickly and I distance myself from such fools rather quickly, before being emotionally invested. (no matter what kind of relationship ~ friendship, business, romantic) I've been happily married for 35 years... we've done something right to keep it happy all that time sans an hour or two here and there. Just because I think you know a lot of people that are codependent and afraid doesn't make me angry. And, I do think it's sad that one person knows so many people like that when they don't have to be if they'd work on themselves to be confident and with personal boundaries.

Anyway, yes it *may* be sad, but some people just can't be alone. I won't talk for women, but a lot of men suffer a lot from confidence issues, and ultimately they become weaker for fearing of being weak.

Thanks for the warning. Women who enable men to continue to be weak by allowing them to keep one relationship while they "feel out the next one first" are'nt doing such men any favors. They are especially not doing themselves a favor by allowing themselves to be the other woman for even a minute, never mind weeks or months, god forbid, years.

She titled this topic "I'm in love with him, but does he loves me?". She didn't titled it "should I fall in love with him?", we are passed that.

Loving someone is not enough, particularily when they are not free to give you all of themselves because they have chosen someone else prior to meeting you (the general you). Her title is irrelevent to the total jist of her situation.

So I explained it *could* be possible he IS in love with her but not quite sure to take the "leap of faith" that means quitting your relationship and starting a new one with a woman half his age. Again, it's a possibility, no a fact. I could easily tell if I hanged around with the man, but I can't.

... and I explained why this is a poor way for her to judge whether or not she should allow herself to stoop so low as to continue on in this emotional affair only now through cyber means while he stays with the other woman.

That's why I told her that, should she persuit this relationship, she must force him cuts ties with his current partner.

yes, we both agree with that. Only difference is that I explained why I thought she shouldn't allow his fear of being alone to be her's or anyone's guide on whether or not to pursue something with a man such as him. The other difference is I explain without accusing you of being one of these codependent men you describe while you assume that someone MUST have screwed me over just because I'm cautioning her not to be an enabler of a weak man.

[smackie9]

OK now that everyone has almost finished bitching at each other about age difference, I'm going to say, don't do it. Don't get involved with someone you work with. You just experienced it first hand the difficulty, and emotional strain when things end or go wrong. It can cause a hostile work environment, affect your job, and someone could lose their job. You have to be there every day, why would you want to experience that feeling at your job?....it's plain stupid. Second, this man is willing to cheat, because a little young crumpet at work is showing an interest. Don't think you are so extra special because an older man in a relationship, wants you. If it isn't you, he will find someone else. Even tho there is only emotional involvement, that is still cheating on his SO. If he isn't willing to repair his failing relationship, or doesn't have the balls to end his relationship, that should show you what kind of a douche bag he really is. He has no respect for relationships....he cheats, and leads on a very young and naive lady. Don't you find that selfish? and for him to have the nerve to start things up again?

I agree with Wakeup, all you are doing is enabling a weak man. See it for what it is and stop justifying this age thing.....it will be the least of your problems that you will encounter. You got the advice you came for, stop ignoring it.

[haxan]

We'll see what you say when you are 65.

Heck, if I'm alive and my body has held up by that point in time. ANY extracurricular activity would be much appreciated