What do you do when you discover the importance of sexual compatibility too late?

[MaidenMinx]

Weren't you seeing a counselor? Have you brought any of this up with him/her?

Frankly, most of those types of sexual deviations stem from past abuses, particularly childhood molestation. Please note that I'm NOT judging, I've got deviations of my own, but I'm fortunate enough to have spouse that shares those deviations.

I'm currently between counsellors but that is something consider.

Not that this is something I think necessarily needs fixing, just need to find a coping strategy.

[dem862]

I just got done dating a woman who wanted to be hurt in bed. She tried to teach me to do that sh!t, but my heart wasn't in it. I began to feel insecure and inadequate, like I wasn't man enough because I didn't like spanking, hitting, choking or calling her bitch. The woman I dated before that just expected me to know that's what she wanted. She told me she wanted to be treated that way, but wasn't patient and didn't want to teach me. I don't understand why so many women are into that nowadays. It is like they are attracted to men who are abusive. That isn't what I call loving, caring, or nurturing. I guess that is one of the purposes of dating, so you can figure this stuff out. I am put off dating now because I don't want to encounter another woman like that. I feel really sad to encounter someone incompatible and then have to start all over again with someone else.

[haxan]

I have discovered over the years that I am a bit of a masochist. I have also discovered the things I would like to experience freak the crap out of my husband. It's gotten to a point where I can't get aroused without fantasising about things that would make a lot of peoples skin crawl. But when the fantasy meets the reality of what my husband is and isn't willing to do it's, well, disappointing.

Well Minx, how did you 'discover' them? In addition, if it's just fantasizing, a lot of the time when fantasy meets reality there's a major disappointment. Thinking about things and having them turn you on is a bit different than having them actually done to you.

That being said, your husband should explore your fantasies/desires with you. You have to realize though that inflicting pain on someone intentionally takes a borderline sociopath personality. You're kind of stepping out on thin ice is what I'm saying, when you have a family.

[MaidenMinx]

Well Minx, how did you 'discover' them? In addition, if it's just fantasizing, a lot of the time when fantasy meets reality there's a major disappointment. Thinking about things and having them turn you on is a bit different than having them actually done to you.

That being said, your husband should explore your fantasies/desires with you. You have to realize though that inflicting pain on someone intentionally takes a borderline sociopath personality. You're kind of stepping out on thin ice is what I'm saying, when you have a family.

I've always had a bit of thing for pain, but it was after having my little fella that I really discovered pain in bed can be a really good thing. Yes I do fantasise, though the auto masochism has really bought it home. And I am aware of the disappointment of fantasy meeting reality, I've experienced that before.

I do realise that it takes a warped type of person to want to hurt someone and enjoy it, and I know that the ideal situation to be exploring this would be single and childless. Damn not being able to have my cake and eat it to.

[KingZ]

The true sadist tells the masochist, "No."

Your husband is a genius.

[MaidenMinx]

The true sadist tells the masochist, "No."

Your husband is a genius.

I love it!!

[TheCafeTerrace]

Frankly, most of those types of sexual deviations stem from past abuses, particularly childhood molestation.

Bullshit, this is just the kind of stereotype that kinky folk do not need. Most people into BDSM don't have their sexual preferences rooted in childhood trauma (including myself.) That ****ing 50 shades book just reinforces the idea in the most hideous ways. Gah!

[TheCafeTerrace]

You have to realize though that inflicting pain on someone intentionally takes a borderline sociopath personality. You're kind of stepping out on thin ice is what I'm saying, when you have a family.

Oh for **** sake! Seriously?! The massive majority of sexual sadists aren't sociopaths, they understand the colossal importance of CONSENT. Liking to whip your sub in the bedroom isn't the same as enjoying inflicting pain on a random unwilling strager. Just as a sexual masochist doesn't enjoy stubbing their toe on a step. Context is all here.

[haxan]

The massive majority of sexual sadists aren't sociopaths

I didn't say they are. Playing with the pain/pleasure principle is something quite a lot of couple do I'd imagine and is quite enjoyable.

However, deriving pleasure from specifically inflicting pain and degradation, or being physically beaten and humiliated takes someone whose personality is on or over the edge. Mainstream may be mixing up the sensual sadist and masochist. But there are people in that lifestyle who will beat, brand, scar, torture others under the guise of 'pleasure', when they are truly just violent sociopaths.

I know you like to think you've been there done that. Well, I had been around that lifestyle since you were in diapers, for one reason or another. If you don't think that personality type permeates that lifestyle, dig a little deeper.

Minx just needs to understand exactly what her fantasies are, what her needs are, before she may throw the dice and explore that world. Sensual sadistic games that a lot of people enjoy to play, or if she's a serious masochist who needs to push her limits to satisfy her needs. Huge difference right there.

[HeartIsAching]

Bullshit, this is just the kind of stereotype that kinky folk do not need. Most people into BDSM don't have their sexual preferences rooted in childhood trauma (including myself.) That ****ing 50 shades book just reinforces the idea in the most hideous ways. Gah!

Not according to mental health experts.

[vashti]

I agree with whomever said that sexual interest when married is variable over time. You are someone's mother now; the time for you to have explored this side of yourself was BEFORE you made a family. You are married to a good man who loves you and most importantly, is good to your kid. Don't f-ck it all up for an orgasm, and don't make your husband feel insecure because he doesn't want to hurt you. You do not have to share every single thought that pops into your head with him, especially when those thoughts can be destabilizing to your relationship.

[Wakeup]

He is my best friend and we are a great team. And to start with, things were fantastic in the bedroom. Now, it's still good, but it's not what I want,

Are you saying that you have just started to want him do hurt you or is this something you've always wanted him to do but have suppressed it all these years?

I wonder because if it's something new then perhaps your meds and depression have something to do with it? I know that people who are depressed need to have a lot of emotional stimulation in order to feel ~ anything, really. So: When did this fantasy start?

I agree with HIA wherein I think you should bring this up with your therapist and get his/her guidance before you make yourself totally convinced you're sexually bored beyond the point of rekindling and need to feel pain to feel pleasure. You were "good" in bed before without this so that can certainly be recaptured if you have the knowledge to do it.

I'm not sure why people are mentioning that you should think of your son? What has one's children have to do with one's sexual preferences? Surely the two are kept completely private and separate from each other. I doubt you'll be inviting the boy to The Bondage Club. I suspect they don't have a kiddie daycare center there do they? Surely you'll not be screaming out in pain from the nipple clamps while junior is in the next room trying to sleep? Right, Minx?

[KingZ]

I agree with whomever said that sexual interest when married is variable over time. You are someone's mother now; the time for you to have explored this side of yourself was BEFORE you made a family. You are married to a good man who loves you and most importantly, is good to your kid. Don't f-ck it all up for an orgasm, and don't make your husband feel insecure because he doesn't want to hurt you. You do not have to share every single thought that pops into your head with him, especially when those thoughts can be destabilizing to your relationship.

Yeah. So there. Cunt.

[TheCafeTerrace]

Not according to mental health experts.

Oh really?

Brad Sagarin et al (2009):

The implication of two studies at the Northern Illinois University into hormonal changes associated with Sadomasochistic activities including spanking, bondage and flogging, suggest that it could bring consenting couples closer together. The increases in relationship closeness combined with the displays of caring and affection observed as part of the SM activities offer support for the modern view that SM, when performed consensually, has the potential to increase intimacy between participants.

Cross and Matheson (2006):

Cross and Matheson (2006) found no support for the traditional theories that sadomasochism is an illness.

The researchers found no evidence for the psychopathology/medical-model contention that masochists suffer from any kind of mental disorder and that SM-sadists are antisocial (Krafft-Ebing 1886/1965).

There was no support for the traditional psychoanalytic view of self-harming and guilt-ridden masochists or id-driven and psychopatic SM-sadists (Freud 1900/1906/1953/1954).

Cross and Matheson neither found any evidence for Baumeister’s contention that masochists were more inclined to engage in escapist behaviors such as drug-taking, day-dreaming, or fantasizing than the comparison group (Baumeister 1988, 1989).

Cross and Matheson did however find that SM participants were overall more likely than non-SM respondents to report bisexual/homosexual orientations.

No evidence was found suggesting that sadomasochists espoused anti-feminist, patriarchal values or traditional gender roles to a greater extent that the non-SM-group.

And the sadomasochists were relatively more likely to be in ongoing relationships than the comparison group.

Connolly et al (2006):

Results from a research project by Dr. Pamela Connolly et al, among a group with bondage and sadomasochistic interests (BDSM) showed that

“no evidence was found to support the notion that clinical disorders - including depression, anxiety, and obsessive-compulsion - are more prevalent among the sample of individuals with BDSM interests than among members of the general population. Moreover, this sample did not show evidence of widespread PTSD, trauma-related phenomena, personality disturbances, psychological sadism or psychological masochism”, disorders in which the sufferer either derives pleasure out of genuine cruelty (not the play-acting kind) or compulsively seeks out harmful levels of pain. ”Similarly, no prominent themes were found in a series of profile analyses.”

”There were, however, som exceptions to this general pattern, most notably the higher-than-average levels of nonspecific dissociative symptoms and narcissism in this sample. That said, this body of findings suggests that, contrary to longstanding assumptions in the psychoanalytic literature, there is very little support for the view that psychopathology underlies behavior.”

Richters et al 2005:

A survey using computer-assisted telephone interviews with 20,000 Australian men and women, showed that BDSM may actually make men happier. Men into BDSM scored significantly better on a scale of psychological wellbeing than other men.

BDSM’ers were no more likely to have suffered sexual difficulties, sexual abuse or coercion or anxiety than other Australians.

- This seems to imply that these men are actually happier as a result of their behaviour, though we're not sure why, said Dr. Juliet Richters, of the University of New South Wales. “It might just be that they're more in harmony with themselves because they're into something unusual and are comfortable with that. There's a lot to be said for accepting who you are.”

Researchers said the study helps break down the reigning stereotype that people into bondage and discipline were damaged as children and were therefore “dysfunctional”.

Martins & Ceccarelli (2003):

A study, presented at the 16th World Congress of Sexology in Cuba 10-14 March, 2003, suggests that non-conventional sexual practices cannot be used as a diagnosed criteria of any kind, which means that the only aspect that distinguishes these individuals from others is their sexual practices.

An interest in BDSM isn't an illness you should be seeking to cure with therapy. It's not a manifestation of some horrendous childhood trauma any more than being gay is a result of being abandoned by your father at a young age (or whatever other crap people used to believe about homosexuality). It's just one facet of your sexuality, and you can do with it as you will. Share it with your husband or not, but what you won't be able to do is stop yourself having these fantasies - the sooner you accept it as part of who you are the better.

[TheCafeTerrace]

If you don't think that personality type permeates that lifestyle, dig a little deeper.

I'm in the lifestyle, and there is nothing there to suggest that the group of people into WIITWD have any more tendency towards sociopathic behaviours than the rest of the population.