What do you do when you discover the importance of sexual compatibility too late?

[HeartIsAching]

Oh really?

As it's not really a science, you can find conflicting opinions about anything.

I wasn't really suggesting that she's mentally ill, merely that she explore that with her counselor. And yes, I know you're in the lifestyle. If it makes you happy, good.

[haxan]

I'm in the lifestyle, and there is nothing there to suggest that the group of people into WIITWD have any more tendency towards sociopathic behaviours than the rest of the population.

I can appreciate that, and I know there are some good, well balanced people in the lifestyle. But it's also an environment for the borderline sociopath, someone with violent tendencies to fit in. I've been around the outlaw biker gang culture too. There were some cool dudes/chicks that I knew, good people. There were also plenty of violent sociopaths that had a place to fit in.

Don't kid yourself, those type of lifestyles attract way more people that are on the fringe than others. All I can say to a female wanting to explore it is to be sure she knows the difference between a fantasy that you can get off to, and reality. And be VERY CAREFUL who you get to know if you do take that step.

[TheCafeTerrace]

As it's not really a science, you can find conflicting opinions about anything.

Psychology is a science, psycho-analysis isn't (which is where we find the root of this stereotype.) Find me a study comparable to the ones I cited which demonstrates that "most of those types of sexual deviations stem from past abuses, particularly childhood molestation" (your words).

[TheCafeTerrace]

I can appreciate that, and I know there are some good, well balanced people in the lifestyle. But it's also an environment for the borderline sociopath, someone with violent tendencies to fit in.

I've heard the same thing said about the police too.

All I can say to a female wanting to explore it is to be sure she knows the difference between a fantasy that you can get off to, and reality. And be VERY CAREFUL who you get to know if you do take that step.

Fair enough.

[HeartIsAching]

Psychology is a science, psycho-analysis isn't (which is where we find the root of this stereotype.) Find me a study comparable to the ones I cited which demonstrates that "most of those types of sexual deviations stem from past abuses, particularly childhood molestation" (your words).

No, it isn't. You can call it that all you like, but if you can't quantify your results, it's not science, it's art.

Some are better artists than others. Some of them are very good artists, but that doesn't make them scientists.

[haxan]

I've heard the same thing said about the police too.

lol, that's a great, mindless analogy, about what I'd expect from a 21 yr old. What's the filtering process for the local BDSM munch in everyone's area? How about none. You don't KNOW who the fuc* you're talking to, or sitting next to, or "getting to know". You're on your own. Lots of deviants that want to hurt people lurking around, but you know that already.

Don't kid yourself, those type of lifestyles attract way more people that are on the fringe than others

This is what I wrote. If you want to try to dance around that, then you're just reinforcing the fact that you're young and naive.

[MaidenMinx]

Are you saying that you have just started to want him do hurt you or is this something you've always wanted him to do but have suppressed it all these years?

I wonder because if it's something new then perhaps your meds and depression have something to do with it? I know that people who are depressed need to have a lot of emotional stimulation in order to feel ~ anything, really. So: When did this fantasy start?

I agree with HIA wherein I think you should bring this up with your therapist and get his/her guidance before you make yourself totally convinced you're sexually bored beyond the point of rekindling and need to feel pain to feel pleasure. You were "good" in bed before without this so that can certainly be recaptured if you have the knowledge to do it.

I'm not sure why people are mentioning that you should think of your son? What has one's children have to do with one's sexual preferences? Surely the two are kept completely private and separate from each other. I doubt you'll be inviting the boy to The Bondage Club. I suspect they don't have a kiddie daycare center there do they? Surely you'll not be screaming out in pain from the nipple clamps while junior is in the next room trying to sleep? Right, Minx?

It's more of a case of early on he was experimental and then found his limit very early on. I have been curious for a long time and once I realised that hubby had reached his limits and got freaked out by where I wanted to go, I very much tried to suppress it. It's been rearing it's evil head periodically over and over since.

I think the reason people are telling me to think of my son is the fact that the lifestyle does have a tendency to draw an unsavory crowd, as much as Cafe protests otherwise. It's one thing that has scared me away in the past. This has all been bought up again by discovering that a long term friend is now living the lifestyle (he was picking up a medical table and I asked why). I couldn't help but wonder if I had found a guide and I feel horrible about that. I've actually have had to start avoiding said friend. (I'm sure this is changing peoples opinion of this thread)

There is no way that I would expose my son to any of my interests, and to be honest, forcing myself to be quiet is a quite enjoyable torment.

[MaidenMinx]

I agree with whomever said that sexual interest when married is variable over time. You are someone's mother now; the time for you to have explored this side of yourself was BEFORE you made a family. You are married to a good man who loves you and most importantly, is good to your kid. Don't f-ck it all up for an orgasm, and don't make your husband feel insecure because he doesn't want to hurt you. You do not have to share every single thought that pops into your head with him, especially when those thoughts can be destabilizing to your relationship.

I agree, except for the time for exploring bit. People enter the lifestyle at all ages, just like people finally admit they are trans gender. For some people they can admit it to themselves straight away, others try to suppress it, as I have done.

[bcgirl]

It's a very good thing he isnt the sadistic type. Perhaps u should seek some help with your sexual fantasy. These types of fantasy do tend to stem from some sort of childhood trauma associated with sex and abuse. A person with total self worth would not be okay being degraded like a tramp during love making

[TheCafeTerrace]

No, it isn't. You can call it that all you like, but if you can't quantify your results, it's not science, it's art.

Some are better artists than others. Some of them are very good artists, but that doesn't make them scientists.

psy·chol·o·gy/sīˈkäləjē/
Noun:
1. The scientific study of the human mind and its functions, esp. those affecting behavior in a given context.

The results were quantifiable, and peer reviewed. You still haven't shown me a comparable academic study to back up the assertion that "most of those types of sexual deviations stem from past abuses, particularly childhood molestation" despite the fact you claimed one would be easy to find.

lol, that's a great, mindless analogy, about what I'd expect from a 21 yr old.

A patronising ad hominem attack instead of a considered response to my point, about what I'd expect from a moron.

[haxan]

A patronising ad hominem attack instead of a considered response to my point, about what I'd expect from a moron.

Hmm, all of 21, an accomplished architect, a religious scholar and an expert in the world of BDSM who wishes it was still a non-mainstream fetish like in "the old days"

Dude, get a reality check. You think anyone on here believes your line of b/s? Doesn't even pass a basic sniff test. More like an arrogant career student who still lives with mum and dad in between semesters.

You know, you could fancy everyone on here and tell the stories about how you studied religion and practiced BDSM from the age of 2, since you claim to be so well learned and practiced in the fields. Maybe there's a Romper Room for learning SM enthusiasts everyone wants to know about? So what were the good old days like?

Or you could not waste the bandwidth or insult the intelligence of the forum and stick to crap you know about, like going to class and googling shit.

[Wakeup]

I think the reason people are telling me to think of my son is the fact that the lifestyle does have a tendency to draw an unsavory crowd, as much as Cafe protests otherwise.

But this is about you and your husband and the dynamic of your personal love making... surely you'll not be joining a bondage club and making new friends from swapping?
Yikes! If you were doing that then I would agree with the adage "think of your son." Perhaps they're saying don't let your desires make you leave his father and break up the home? That would make some sense IMO.

Anyway, There are sex therapists out there Minx and would help you and hubby come to some sort of compromise that would satisfy both of you and he/she would also help you to rekindle so that you'd not long so much for the extreme. Maybe there's a BDSM forum that would answer your questions better than a vanilla forum board where most don't understand your wants? Just throwing that out there, not trying to discourage you from sounding off here, at all. ;o)

[vashti]

I think the reason people are telling me to think of my son is the fact that the lifestyle does have a tendency to draw an unsavory crowd, as much as Cafe protests otherwise. I

That really wasn't MY point at all. I assume the vast majority of people keep their sex lives separate from their children. My point is that your husband has already made it clear he isn't interested, and I do not see a compromise.. This lifestyle wasn't a part of the deal when you married, and I wouldn't want the quest for an alternative lifestyle to interfere with your marital stability, for the sake of your son.

[Indefinable]

I think there are too much false needs deeply rooted in our culture and society.

I mean everybody think: "Enjoy sex, I have to enjoy sex to the max. If you don't have sex, you're a loser". And all of us believe this thoughts. And that's totally non-sense.

Don't misunderstand me. I love sex, and I want to have a satisfying sexual life. But I don't think sex is the most important thing in my life.

You have a husband who cares and loves you. There are many women who doesn't. You have a family, you don't have economic or any trouble related to health.

Why you are so upset about your sexual needs?

You have more than many people. Enjoy it!

And you could have sex with your husband if you want to. Conventional sex, what a lot of people don't have and would want to.

[bcgirl]

Some well known sadistics: Ted bundy, Gary ridgeway (green river killer), Ed kemper, btk killer, son of sam.... I can go on. Sadistic sexual fantasies often are associated with dominating and degrading and not just for sexual gratification but mentally as well (son of Sam never raped n e one, but he sure got off thinking he was king). If your husband was into that, your husband would be A different man. He would be the type to expect u to have food in the table or else slap u around like a dog and he would think of u nothing more than an object that is called wife and therefore likely would cheat. Ask yourself, would u want your daughter growing up wanting a man to call her bitch, slap her around like she was a worthless 2 cent whore? There is something wrong with that picture don't ya think?