What do you do when you discover the importance of sexual compatibility too late?

[Indefinable]

I think this situation is vey unfair to your husband.

I hope you won't break your family because of that bullshit.

[VincenzoG91]

I had never considered the issue of sexual compatibility before discovering this forum. I just figured that in my long term relationships I was bound to grow bored and uninterested after a time. Now I wonder if it's something more...

I love my husband. He and our son are the greatest things to have ever happened to me. He is my best friend and we are a great team. And to start with, things were fantastic in the bedroom. Now, it's still good, but it's not what I want, and I know he can't give me what I want. I have discovered over the years that I am a bit of a masochist. I have also discovered the things I would like to experience freak the crap out of my husband.

It's gotten to a point where I can't get aroused without fantasising about things that would make a lot of peoples skin crawl. But when the fantasy meets the reality of what my husband is and isn't willing to do it's, well, disappointing.

I'm sure I won't leave this thread up for long. This forums nasty streak is not reserved for new posters and I don't know how long I am prepared to leave myself open to criticism, even though I know there are some long memories in here....

A great marriage can be an ongoing source of happiness in your life for many years to come. By comparison, acting out on unusual sexual fantasies is a brief, intermittent pleasure. It's obvious that your marriage is worth more than that, so hopefully you can keep your priorities straight.

[MaidenMinx]

Some well known sadistics: Ted bundy, Gary ridgeway (green river killer), Ed kemper, btk killer, son of sam.... I can go on. Sadistic sexual fantasies often are associated with dominating and degrading and not just for sexual gratification but mentally as well (son of Sam never raped n e one, but he sure got off thinking he was king). If your husband was into that, your husband would be A different man. He would be the type to expect u to have food in the table or else slap u around like a dog and he would think of u nothing more than an object that is called wife and therefore likely would cheat. Ask yourself, would u want your daughter growing up wanting a man to call her bitch, slap her around like she was a worthless 2 cent whore? There is something wrong with that picture don't ya think?

Wow. While I must admit the lifestyle draws some crazies in, not everyone with sadistic tendencies is an abusive asshole or nasty prick. There are perfectly nice people in the lifestyle too. Don't rant at me about something you know nothing about.

[TheCafeTerrace]

You know, you could fancy everyone on here and tell the stories about how you studied religion and practiced BDSM from the age of 2, since you claim to be so well learned and practiced in the fields.

Where the hell did your impression that I think of myself as a religious scholar come from? An architecture student, yes (I imagine you got that from the fact I knew what SketchUp was), but religious scholar? Baffling. :/ And "back in the old days" was an ironic reference to before the massive '50 Shades' craze we had in the UK. Now stop being a dickhead and play nice.

Maybe there's a BDSM forum that would answer your questions better than a vanilla forum board where most don't understand your wants? Just throwing that out there, not trying to discourage you from sounding off here, at all. ;o)

Not a bad shout - try fetlife.

He would be the type to expect u to have food in the table or else slap u around like a dog and he would think of u nothing more than an object that is called wife and therefore likely would cheat. Ask yourself, would u want your daughter growing up wanting a man to call her bitch, slap her around like she was a worthless 2 cent whore? There is something wrong with that picture don't ya think?

You're such an idiot it's unbelievable.

[bcgirl]

^ yes there are acceptions but I am talking about generalization. If u are into choking and inflicting pain while making love, the odds are u have a certain type of personality that is capable of inflicting some sort of mental pain as well. The ones that appear nice on the outside are the worst. I too have a sadistic side to me. I will also admit I do have a sociopathic personality, this probably stemmed from abuse at home while growing up. I know all to well about this topic. I inflicted a lot of pain on my ex bf, physical and mental (cheated on him countless times) yet I can not feel remorse....this hurt him the most. I now understand the concept of abuse and personalities on relationships and therefore can talk about it... So although u may think there are plenty of nice ppl into sadism, looks and attitude can fool.

[TheCafeTerrace]

If u are into choking and inflicting pain while making love, the odds are u have a certain type of personality that is capable of inflicting some sort of mental pain as well.

Prove it. There are a number of academic studies out there which show exactly the opposite (I posted a handful in an earlier post on this thread, perhaps you missed it).

[KingZ]

People here are being dumb.

Are you all forgetting the enormous amount of batshit insane people that have completely normal, standard, boring sex lives?

Personally, I'd love to beat the shit out of Minx.

[MaidenMinx]

Ok, I'm getting tired of the arguing and name calling in this thread. I'm deleting it in 24 hours, I just have one last thing to say.

I am not going to leave my husband. I just want to make that clear. I started this thread because so many people in here rave about how important sexual compatibility. I wanted to know if I had worked myself up over nothing, which I can be prone to do.
And for anyone who's interested, I have joined a couple of forums on the subject and am full of inspiration.
Thank you to everyone who offered genuine advice. Oh and thank you to King Z for pointing out that my husband is a genius. You helped me turn a frustration into a source of pleasure, though I am sure you didn't intend to help.

[vashti]

I wasn't really worried about you leaving your husband. i was more concerned about you feeding his insecurity about his inability to satisfy you in this way.

[IndiReloaded]

Cafe, no offense but I looked up that first article you cited. Did you actually understand the abstract?

Its a completely self-reinforcing argument (duh, given they are sex researchers). All it says is that people who like their activity experience less stress than those who didn't. Journal of Duh candidate. Plus, if that journal has an impact factor above 1 I'd be amazed.

Here is the reference if anyone is curious:
http://www.niu.edu/user/tj0bjs1/papers/scclm09.pdf

Psychology isn't a science (sorry, major bias here). Anything that you would call psychology that *is* science, almost certainly has its real roots in neurobiology or chemistry. Except that paper you cited which just 'sounds' like they are doing real science b/c they mention cortisol and testosterone. Whatever. Maybe you have a point, but that article certainly isn't helping you make it.

Anyway, how about discussing something more interesting like the Nobel Prizes:

http://www.nobelprize.org/nobel_prizes/medicine/laureates/2012/

[MaidenMinx]

I wasn't really worried about you leaving your husband. i was more concerned about you feeding his insecurity about his inability to satisfy you in this way.

That's why I haven't bought it up with him again, but now that I have a head full of new inspiration, I have a new approach. I have no intention of letting him feel like he has been letting me down.

[iamaninnocentma]

Id love to slap a few people in this thread, but not for sexual reasons.

[iamaninnocentma]

People here are being dumb.

Are you all forgetting the enormous amount of batshit insane people that have completely normal, standard, boring sex lives?

Personally, I'd love to beat the shit out of Minx.

The irony of a cunt like steviej thanking you for this.

[TheCafeTerrace]

Psychology isn't a science (sorry, major bias here). Anything that you would call psychology that *is* science, almost certainly has its real roots in neurobiology or chemistry.

Perhaps, but what you can do is quantify how many people have "depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsion... PTSD, trauma-related phenomena, personality disturbances, psychological sadism or psychological masochism" (as in Connelly et al 2006) in a sample of BDSM practitioners and the wider population to see if those things are more prevalent within BDSM. Turns out they're not.

I'm just sick of people assuming that enjoying BDSM is a manifestation of a deep psychological problem. They often claim it (as some have done in this thread) as though it's gospel, yet there's almost nothing out there apart from prejudice and stereotype to back up this idea. **** that I say.

[bcgirl]

^ why is it then why mostly all rapists and serial killers are sexual deviants? Into sadism and power and control over their victims? Sure there are many blue collared workers out there who go to work everyday and havent raped anyone but still have an urge for control over the vulnerable (mainly spouses). I betcha if we were to ask the OP where her fantasies stem from, we would find out about some sort of abuse from the past. Is it right for the mind to feed into these negative compulsions that is attributed from abuse? Just like ppl who r into children, is it okay to fantasize? To allow your compulsions to take over? I think the answer is obvious. Of course there is a diff between fantasizing about kids and fantasising about torturing adults, but the fact is that both are attributed to negative thoughts and behaviours that is degenerative to the mind and others therefore seeking out help for this is the right step