i'd really appreciate it if you read this long letter and provide comments, etc.

[jwaite]

I don't know how long this letter is going to be, or how I am going to structure it, but I know that it needs to be said. I have been to individual and group therapy, and I have also spoken with a life coach. The things I strive for in life are respect, empowerment, and honesty. I have been working out, running, playing chess, singing, and making friends. I walk down the street with a smile, and no one, not even me, can tell how I really feel. Only when I am alone do the tears start to flow. When I dream, I have either nightmares about us or I see us together and then I wake up and start crying. It's not that I haven't tried to get over it; it's definitely the opposite. My life is almost completely together. I love nature. The trees are so beautiful. I really enjoy the reflections of the yellow leaves of fall on lakes. I am happy with just standing in the rain and watching my brother play soccer. I have both ridiculously illogical and very deep conversations with friends, and I have met strangers who I will probably never see again, but that I have learned things from. I told one couple I met that I had recently broken up and they said they couldn't tell, and that I had a great smile. I don't know how I'm still able to smile when I feel so sad when I'm alone. I want to help people, and I think I have helped some people understand things, whether it's about life or calculus.

I really should be ok, but I'm not. I didn't cheat on you or even try to meet other girls as a "just in case" measure. I didn't do anything that you stopped me to ask doing. I NEVER lied to you. Whenever I took the time to think something through, that is what I really believed at the time. I made some emotional decisions that were immature and that I really regret. I feel so sorry... The rest of the things that I did that you didn't like, you never told me they bothered you. I still feel sorry for them, but don't blame those on me when you never told me. I know that what we had was special. When we were going out, I was pretty specific about what I wanted in a girl, but you blew all my expectations away.
I fell in love with you before I even began loving people in general... I was a pretty big asshole to a lot of people, and you still fell in love with me somehow.

We didn't have a good relationship at all. We shouldn't blame anyone, and part of it was that we couldn't go on many dates and we couldn't see each other that often. All we had was an amazing amount of love for each other. When you realize that you can't see someone for a whole month, try to brush it off, and start breaking down, and the other person feels the same way, that's really something special.

You don't even feel sorry for what you've done. You lied to me multiple times, and even after we broke up and I told you to be honest with me, you still lied and said you weren't mad at me. You won't even repeat why you're mad at me, and you will only say "i already told you why." Do you even know why you're mad at this point? Relationships aren't something you can just pick up and be involved in when you feel like it, and then leave when you decide you want to have other fun. You need to get your life together and figure out what you want, and how you feel with regards to relationships. You can't get into a relationship expecting it not to last, if only because part of you wants to be a whore and "have fun." There's a lot worse guys out there than me, who will break your heart without a second thought. Find out what you want and expect.
I know what I want and what I believe. I am not going to drink on many occasions. I am never going to smoke cigarettes. I may try weed once, but I will never be a regular user. I don't believe in casual sex. It's so empty, and it makes us no better than animals. I want to find someone who is honest, who is nice to everyone, who doesn't have a lot of drama, who is giving, and who won't obsess over other guys. I want to be able to look at them and think that I am the luckiest and happiest person in the world, and I want them to feel the same way about me. The relationship will not be about sex, but I do want to have sex with her and enjoy not just the physical aspect of it.

I know that this girl doesn't describe you anymore. No matter how much I want to get back together with you right now, I know I will control myself because I respect myself more than that. The love I have to give can't be found just anywhere, and it doesn't come every day, every week, or even every year. The person that you are right now doesn't deserve my love.
At the same time, I can't hate you and use that as an excuse to move on, because that would be taking the easy way out and i would be setting myself up for failure. I have gone and apologized to many people, and I have forgiven everyone in my life, from the kid who kicked me in the face when I was 2 to my dad. I have to forgive you too.

There are many people out there who never get past a certain view in their life. Those people can't be forced to change, and I only hope that you aren't that kind of person. I can't make you feel sorry, I can only hope that you do sometime in your life, and the sooner the better.

Everyone's days are limited. Car accidents or cancer happen to the best of us. A meteorite could fall from the sky and kill us. A few dumb people could cause a nuclear winter. At the large hadron collider in Switzerland, they are smashing particles together, which could conceivably cause a black hole. Not to mention all the rapists and murderers out there in society.

I know myself now, thanks to you, and I know that everyday I die a little on the inside, but I also am trying my best to enjoy my time spent with other people and doing things. I will ALWAYS forgive you whenever and if ever you are ready to talk again.

With Love.

[smackie9]

This is section is for advice, maybe you should post this in the personal development or love story catagory.