I spied on my girlfriend's Yahoo conversation, now she is furious.

[Kirkland]

My girlfriend and I of 3 years have been having intimacy issues. She never wants to cuddle or kiss, almost no contact at all. We both lost our virginity to each other, our relationship had always been very tight and we always spent our free time in each other's company.

I've picked up on the signals and tried to talk things out. She told me that she was unhappy with the relationship, but she doesn't want to break up. We're both poor college students and so we don't have money for anything. We both want a home and family of our own, but none of it is happening fast enough for her.

She had told me that she was looking for chat rooms one night, just for something to do. I was ok with that, I wouldn't try to stop her from enjoying herself. But it bothered me a little, and I had a series of bad dreams about some other man. I tried to discuss things with her but she told me everything was ok.

Tonight, while she was in the other room I looked up her Yahoo Messenger conversations and copied the .dat files, then sent them to my email. When I came home from her house I decoded and read the most recent conversation between her and a man she met online. He kept telling her how beautiful she was, how great her ass looked. She sent him a dozen or more pictures of herself in exchange for his. They both talked about how cute one another was, how sexy she was. She told him every detail of her life, everything about her and her family, except for me.

I sent her an IM and confessed to reading the conversation between her and the stranger. She was absolutely furious. I tried to calm her down, but all she cared about was my invasion of her privacy, never mind the countless times she had read anything of mine in the past. I apologized profusely, but wanted to talk about why she had flirted so wildly with this other man. She has refused to acknowledge any wrong doing.

I know it is completely wrong to snoop. I justify my actions out of a sick feeling that something was very wrong. I knew she was staying up late, way too late, but had no idea why nor why the relationship was souring so quickly. What should I do here? What can be done? I'm mixed with feelings of sorrow for doing wrong, and surging with anger over her disregard for our relationship. To lead a strange man on and have him shower her with perverted messages of lust, showing off her body to this guy. I just feel so hurt and panicked.

What should I do? What can be done?

[Boisdevie]

She never wants to cuddle or kiss? So I assume you're not getting sex either? So why are you still with this woman? Are you stupid or something?

[pisces25]

The relationship is over. She has lost all respect for you and isn't in love with you, she just doesn't have the guts to walk away. But you should.

[Cerby]

She told me that she was unhappy with the relationship, but she doesn't want to break up.

This decoded is "I want out, but I don't have a way out, so I'll stick around until I do". The emotional affair she is having is also a sign that it is completely over. I know you love her, but something that alone isn't enough. You don't live with her so there is no reason to continue this relationship.

Sorry man, but this is over. Sticking around is just delaying the time it will take to get over it and find someone who wants to be with you for you.


EDIT*** I just dug into your post history, and you've considered ending things with her before, she has also kissed her ex in the past as well, she made you wait for sex for like a year before caving (or whenever she did). Sorry bro, this one isn't a keeper, she is a c*nt.

[Maple1714]

It's over....sorry. You should balls up and leave her The 3 years curse! I only know a few people who have stayed with the people they lost their virginity to.

[bcgirl]

Why r u beating yourself up for snooping when u found out so much about her wrong doings? She is much much much more in the wrong than u r. She has cheated on you.... Not physically yet, but definitely mentally. If u haven't caught her, who knows how much longer her conversations with this man would last. It could very well end up with physical contact. Lucky that u caught onto it early! She hasn't given her own bf any physical contact, yet she seeks it out from strangers in chat rooms....hmm... She definitely without a doubt is going to physically cheat on you if u take her back, that is where her intentions are. She has checked out from you. But since u r her first serious bf and u r safe, she is stringing u along until she finds something better and boom, she is planning on leaving u. Don't allow her to play u for a fool. How do I know? I have done EXACTLY what your gf is doing to u to my ex. She is putting the blame on you, she will make endless excuses as to why she did nothing wrong and will try to put the blame on u... U will start believing u were in the wrong and give her the benefit of the doubt because she has u wrapped around her finger. A cheater will lie and cry and put on a damn good show... Don't give in. Be strong, it's time to break it off with her

[Kirkland]

We do have sex every now and then, but it's very sporadic and only when she is in the mood. I don't consider myself dumb. I love her and I want to make things work, that's why I sought advice.

[Kirkland]

I don't consider myself innocent here. I've looked into her mailbox before without permission when things felt at odds. There's really no excuse, it's just a reaction I have to insecurity. She's not the type of person who will openly speak her mind unless she knows for sure that she'll get exactly the answer she wants.

I have also deleted an ex boyfriend out of her phone contact list, something she brought up last night, because he would send her text messages about how we wanted to get back together. She would complain about the messages and I told her after what I had done.

She was very upset that I had in her own words "gone behind her back again." When I told her that I would never talk to a stranger like she did, and if I had she would probably have broken up with me. She told me she was seriously thinking about ending things with me because I have once again snooped.

I was so worried about losing her that I spent 15 minutes apologizing on the phone. She was of course unwilling to talk about why she did the things she did and more focused on my invasion of her privacy. I have secretly checked up on her conversations with men on yahoo. I trust her, but I get extremely worried about losing her to someone else. Is this all my fault? Am I a controlling person for this?

[Boisdevie]

I don't consider myself dumb.

We do because you're determined to continue with what some of us consider a shitty relationship. If that's not dumb I don't know what is.

[InYourFACE]

Well i dont agree about sneaky around especially as a men i think thats sissy kind of.

Only one time i think there may be a reason to , is when its about something really serious you see signals or know the truth and the person keep
denial it.

Anyway what ever happens one thing is for shore , its over between both of you.
so you need to give it a place at a certain point and move on.
That you sneak around is wrong for some reason and the way you did it.
But she is for shore wrong about the kind of chat she had with another men if she admit it or not.

But what can you do? other then take your own heart and time in protection by not spending it to someone that is
not wort it. Let her be what she ones to be out there, as long its not on your life and time and input.

[bcgirl]

U state u trust her....but in fact it's the complete opposite. U deep down don't trust her, that is why u delete ex bfs from her phone, check her emails and yahoo conversations. Don't lie to yourself, u r lying to yourself as a defense mechanism so u don't have to face the cold hard truth that she indeed in capable of cheating on u and eventually leaving u. U r constantly apologizing for your snooping, but has she apologized for her cheating? So it looks like u forgive her and want to move forward, but can u realistically go on "trusting" her and not snooping given the fact that u caught her cheating? U will constantly have that in the back of your head whenever she logs on her computer. U will be haunted by it and this and it will cause strain in the relationship for the long run

[Kirkland]

You're absolutely right bcgirl. No, she has not really apologized for emotionally cheating. I'm trying to forgive her, and this may sound stupid but I couldn't imagine living without her in my life. I can say without doubt that I love her with all of my heart. I'm frightened of losing her and everything I have ever cared about in this world.

This does not mean I'm willing to let her walk all over me. I feared that the relationship would end and I still have some calculated reservations about our future together. I asked her to end any future conversations with the man she met online, told her how much she meant to me. She says she loves me, and I felt that she meant every word, I have no doubt she does. That's why I'm willing to look past what has happened. And I have promised myself that I would no longer snoop. If anything I will try to be more involved in her life, but not overbearing.

If I discover that she has continued to talk with this guy in keeping with how she had, or if she tells me up front, I will not hesitate to end the relationship despite how much love I have for her.

[Boisdevie]

She says she loves me, and I felt that she meant every word, I have no doubt she does.

Just had to change my pants. Soiled myself because I was laughing too hard.

[bcgirl]

I do believe she loves you, you are her first and she has invested 3 yrs with u. There has to be an underlying reason why she feels the need to get emotional satisfaction from strangers, perhaps she feels that her own bf is not being affectionate enough, or perhaps she is bored, or is curious about other dick since she only tasted 1...
U say u r going to allow to give her privacy, but how can u monitor to know for sure she isn't talking to a guy? What I used to do was put passwords on my phone and laptop, invent new email addresses that my bf doesn't know about, and with today's technologies of data cell phones...it will be damn hard to monitor what she does when she isn't with u. I think this fact will eventually make u go insane

[Boisdevie]

I think this fact will eventually make u go insane

He already is insane. Madder than a boxful of frogs. Deluded. It's as funny as hell.