My friend broke up with her bf; advice from women desperately needed.

[incognito_sneak]

Hi guys. First time poster, but I'm in a bit of a jam.

First of all, I'm a woman and I need advice about a friend who has just broken up with her boyfriend. I'm not involved in any way in the broken relationship, I just need advice from other women because I'm at my wits end.

Second of all, it's my best friend who has broken up with her boyfriend. They were together from when they were 12 years old, and they stayed together for 16 years. This is her only relationship, and she's never been through a break up before in her life. She's actually handling it quite well, considering that they only broke up a few weeks ago. My problem is this: I thought my friend was dealing with her feelings and her emotions - she is, sort of. But she seems to be spending ALL her time at my place now. She calls over at about 1pm in the day, when I have stuff to do, and doesn't leave until anywhere from 7.30pm to 10.30pm. This is every day since her break up. At first, all I was was a sounding board (she would vent and cry, etc, and I would listen and hand her tissues and explain that she isn't going to be alone for the rest of her life; she won't die and be eaten by cats; we won't be 80 and alone; etc) but now it's just relentless. It's like she can't stand to be alone any more, so she's clinging on to me, and I just can't take it any more. Granted she must be feeling like crap (honestly, she's just lost her first love and she now feels like she 'wasted' 16 years when she could have been going out and having fun or meeting other men) but I'm a very solitary person and I like my own space. I work from home and I need to have time to myself to get stuff done. But for the last month and a half, since the break up, I've broken all my deadlines because I simply don't have any time to myself any more. I'm now losing money AND the reputation I've built up over time. I've explained to her that I need time to do things, and she says; "Oh, of course, of course!" and then shows up at my house anyway. It doesn't help that I am actually her only friend and she honestly has nobody else to turn to (her family is already dealing with a death, and now another member of their family has cancer and is about to enter a hospice).

Seriously, what should I do? The problem has always been that this boyfriend of hers had her at his beck and call all the time. She has no job, so she was always on-hand for him (and he would need/demand her attention quite a lot) and now she has all this spare time that she's using my company to fill, and I can't take it any more. I just need one day to myself. What do I do? How do I get her to stop clinging to me, when she's already so fragile? I really don't want to hurt her because she's already told me that my house is the only place she feels comfortable in, and the only place she doesn't have to pretend that she's ok.

Sorry for the rant, but I can't talk about this to anyone I know (because they think I'm a bit heartless for mentioning it once already) and I have never been in this situation before, so I don't know how to help her while retaining my own space. Any advice is welcome. Thanks!

[Cerby]

Well, she is clearly hurting and still in the stage where being around ANYONE is better than alone. But you need your "you" time. So you'll just need to tell her you're not available, or pretend you're not home and park your car around the block somewhere. This means you're not being a bitch in her eyes, but simply have other things to do.

If she simply MUST come over, then pay little attention to her and just go about normal business, work, etc. If she starts talking to you politely tell her you're working on an urgent deadline and can't talk right now, tell her she is welcome to hang out and do whatever she likes, but to speak to you only sparingly. She'll get the idea.

[smackie9]

Tell her to take up internet gaming. It's social and really fills in your time. Go buy her World of Warcraft as a gift......you will never see her again.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You do need to tell her to get a hobby. Tell her she needs to find something that she likes doing, and start doing it consistently. Stop being so accommodating. Flatly tell her, she can't come over right now. Who gives a shit if your place is the only place she feels safe?! She's obviously codependent, and you are the new object of her affection. If you continue letting her stay over everyday, then she will never be comfortable by herself, which at 28 is just ****ing pathetic. Tell her she has to learn to be comfortable with herself. If she's immature and thinks you're being a bitch, which is very possible, she will probably understand and thank you down the line.

I don't know how to phrase it, since I don't know her, but I think Cerby's approach would be the easiest. Telling her you're busy is an easy way to avoid conflict.

[smackie9]

I did some thinking, and instead of avoiding her or hiding from her (this will not make the issue go away), use your time with her constructively. Go on the net with her to seek out volunteer groups in your area. Explain to her that she should put her time to good healthy use, and help others. There are many seniors that need help with their shopping, or just need a little company. She can also volunteer at an animal shelter, youth hostile, soup kitchen, etc. It will give her a feeling of self worth and get her out meeting people. Then pull out the want ads and help her find employment. She could start out with simple things like dog walker, house keeping, cashier. Explain to her that finding employment will give her the opportunity to make new friends, and develop a social life of her own. I feel if she starts out with volunteer work it will help her adjust to different things, and give her some experience to put on a job application.

[Cerby]

I did some thinking, and instead of avoiding her or hiding from her (this will not make the issue go away), use your time with her constructively. Go on the net with her to seek out volunteer groups in your area. Explain to her that she should put her time to good healthy use, and help others. There are many seniors that need help with their shopping, or just need a little company. She can also volunteer at an animal shelter, youth hostile, soup kitchen, etc. It will give her a feeling of self worth and get her out meeting people. Then pull out the want ads and help her find employment. She could start out with simple things like dog walker, house keeping, cashier. Explain to her that finding employment will give her the opportunity to make new friends, and develop a social life of her own. I feel if she starts out with volunteer work it will help her adjust to different things, and give her some experience to put on a job application.

McDonald's doesn't need/want experience, skip all this and get her to flip some burgers.

[smackie9]

Oh how about a Walmart greeter.

[incognito_sneak]

I'm trying to find a really polite way to say that all of the suggestions here suck, because none of them can be applied to my friend by sheer dint that the country we live in is vastly different from Northern America.

Thanks for trying to help though, guys. I do appreciate it, and this is actually my mistake for not finding an advice forum closer to home. And I have to admit that if I sound half as heartless as some of the above (admittedly joke-y) answers, I need to take a long look at myself and my own issues with being social. After all, it's only been four weeks. Thank you for a very interesting experience.

[smackie9]

Well maybe next time you could give us some background to your ways and culture. We can only work with what is given.

[InYourFACE]

Well just be honest. cause she is not your baby , but a grown up woman.
so she needs to deal with her stuff like a adult.

And you need to make your money, so you cant baby her.

So just tell her serious;y that you dont have time for her during the week.
She can call you but you have work to do .

And if she keep coming when she wants to just dont open the door.
Its stupid that she would suck you up ,
and dont even think about your need to be alone some time.

SShe is healty so she can also make the choice to get a job.
And make something of her life. instead of sitting all day long at peoples place.

You can be there for her but you cant be all day ong busy with her.
And she needs to grow up and start making something out of her life.

It may be hard but by being all day long with you it wont help her.
She need a reality check,


Just tell her like you are busy you can hang only on Sunday at a certain time.
Or during the week you cant hang out.
But she can call you.
If she dont listing just dont open the door when she comes ,
she will have to learn the hard way.