The sex isn't great!

[berg101]

Hi guys!

Im quite an avid poster of this forum and have had some great advice from people so looking for a bit more advice now.

Basically I have been with my girlfriend for 6 months, things with us are absolutely fantastic, I see her pretty much every day and we spend at least 3/4 nights a week together. We are both in love and it's evident that this isn't going to change between us. The only thing that isn't that great is the sex - she has always told me that she is incredibly hard to make orgasm and that the only person that was able to do it with was her ex boyfriend - I've made her orgasm twice, once during normal sex and once when we introduced her vibrator - the issue is that I have a fairly small penis and because of this and her difficulty with orgasming she said she can't really feel that much which makes me even more sexually insecure, which doesn't help things. Anyway I was worrying about it last night and she told me that the sex really doesn't matter to her and that as long as she pleases me then that's fine and as long as she has sex she isn't bothered. She then told me that she's worried because she knows the sex in my previous relationship was good so she thinks I'll end up just sleeping with my ex in order to compensate - I told that definitely wouldn't happen and that she is the only person I want but also told her that I worry about her doing the same with her ex. With my ex the relationship was terrible so I always felt I had to compensate by having as much sex as we could, and because of this the sex was great - the same goes for her ex boyfriend really. We usually have sex roughly once a week. Sometimes because Im worrying about it so much I struggle to get an erection which is so unlike me because I'm usually a very sexual person, as is she.

I guess I'm just looking for a bit of advice on anything I can do to try and make things better - it just bugs me because our relationship is so fantastic and it's just this one little thing that's really winding me up and playing on my mind.

Any tips or help anyone can offer would be great.

Thanks in advance everyone.

[Boisdevie]

She thinks she'll sleep with her ex to compensate because sex with your is shite. Not exactly a fantastic relationship you have there then. It's not going to work.

[Wakeup]

the issue is that I have a fairly small penis and because of this and her difficulty with orgasming she said she can't really feel that much which makes me even more sexually insecure,

I think both of you are concentrating way too much on penetration. Did you know that there are'nt all that many women that can orgasm through intercourse alone... that they need clitoral stimulation in order to pop?

You might want to try honing your finger play and your oral skills so that she gets off a time (or two ) before you even enter her. If she's spent prior to the ole in-an-out then she's not going to care so much that she can't feel you. You might also suggest she do kegal exercises (google it) but do this with great diplomacy because if you imply that she's loose, she'll be offended (even if she is.. lol).

As for worrying about you both doing your exes.. WTF? Are you both still in touch with your exes and if you are, WHY?

You seem to have common sense... You'll figure it out.

[berg101]

She thinks she'll sleep with her ex to compensate because sex with your is shite. Not exactly a fantastic relationship you have there then. It's not going to work.

You didn't understand what I wrote - I said that she worries that because the sex was good with my ex that I would end up going back to her, I then told her that I was worried that because she and her ex used to have a good sex life I was worried that she'd go back to him. She DOES NOT think that she'll go back to her ex. Neither of us speak with our ex's but that was just something that worried us both. I trust her and know she wouldn't cheat on me, otherwise I wouldn't be with her.

[smackie9]

Have her orgasm by other means first...that should tighten her up for round two.

[eddiedelgado]

Congratulations. You seem to really care for her and she seems to care for you.

Sex part - too much angst and worry, not enough enjoyment. This is not the point of having sex at all.

One way of taking your mind out of how big or how small something is, etc, etc is to change a little bit the
expectations. if your goal is to enjoy, have fun, this changes the whole scenario.

Until the pressure if off (for both of you) it will naturally be more fun.

Women (and people in general) have ssex with their BRAINS first. This is
the most important sexual organ of a person.

Men can be very visual. Women like to hear "words". You can really
arouse her in many ways before you even take her to bed.

don't go back EVER to talking about what it was like with her ex and with your ex, too many wrong people
in this mixture.

When you start talking about what sex was like with your ex or with her ex, immediately certain pictures start
to pop up in your head. No good.

Tell you a game I would play with her tonight. Go text her this question during the day: "Name at least
3 things that you enjoy in bed"

She will have to go up to her head and start making an inventory to be able to answer that question. She
will also start getting certain feelings too.

Text her later during the day and ask her to show you one of those things.

Zero expectations. ZERO. Just have fun. This is not to show off your skills (neither of you).

I hope it helps.

[Boisdevie]

Tell you a game I would play with her tonight. Go text her this question during the day: "Name at least
3 things that you enjoy in bed"

Ah but what if she replies 'a guy with a really big cock"?

[berg101]

Congratulations. You seem to really care for her and she seems to care for you.

Sex part - too much angst and worry, not enough enjoyment. This is not the point of having sex at all.

One way of taking your mind out of how big or how small something is, etc, etc is to change a little bit the
expectations. if your goal is to enjoy, have fun, this changes the whole scenario.

Until the pressure if off (for both of you) it will naturally be more fun.

Women (and people in general) have ssex with their BRAINS first. This is
the most important sexual organ of a person.

Men can be very visual. Women like to hear "words". You can really
arouse her in many ways before you even take her to bed.

don't go back EVER to talking about what it was like with her ex and with your ex, too many wrong people
in this mixture.

When you start talking about what sex was like with your ex or with her ex, immediately certain pictures start
to pop up in your head. No good.

Tell you a game I would play with her tonight. Go text her this question during the day: "Name at least
3 things that you enjoy in bed"

She will have to go up to her head and start making an inventory to be able to answer that question. She
will also start getting certain feelings too.

Text her later during the day and ask her to show you one of those things.

Zero expectations. ZERO. Just have fun. This is not to show off your skills (neither of you).

I hope it helps.

That has genuinely been the most helpful post I've received on this site. I really appreciate your insight and I think you're right - sex has always been so fun and enjoyable for me but because of how strong my feelings are and my worry that it may ruin things with us all the fun has been lost - I need to get that back.

[JBG]

This thread is a month old, but I'm going to answer since you're probably still having some issues. Stuff like this doesn't go away overnight.

You probably know that women vary alot in vaginal size. Two girls can have the same size body, but one feels a lot tighter than another. If your girl is built with a larger vagina, then your build might not be completely adequate. Her ex is probably better built, so he made her feel a lot more full. He may have even loosened her up somewhat. Some women like a little pressure on their cervix during sex, so that might be another issue.

What you have to do now is compensate for a bad hand. Are you in good shape? How often do you exercise? Are you carrying extra weight? Do you eat healthy?

If any of this isn't as good as it could be, fix it immediately. Find exercise you like and start doing it everyday. Do a combination of stretching, strength training, and cardio. You can swim, play tennis, jog, lift weights, all kinds of things. Its also important to figure out what kind of build your girl likes. Since you sound like you're heading towards marriage, she's the girl you want to please. So don't be afraid to specialize. Some girls like guys who have bigger arms and shoulders. If that's the case then start weight lifting smaller sets of heavier weights. Some girls like toned, skinny guys. If that's the case then start swimming every day.

At the same time, start cooking and eating as healthy as you can. You can get good food in Farmer's Markets for less money than people spend on junk food at the grocery store. Start eating mostly lean meat, fruits, vegetables, and whole grains. Eat metabolism-boosting foods to lose weight. Find out your BMR:

bmi-calculator.net/bmr-calculator/

This is your resting metabolism, or how many kilocalories (kcals) you burn in a day of normal activity. You can also figure out how many you burn from exercise on top of this. To lose weight you obviously need to use more calories than you take in. There are 3300 kcals/lb, so if you lose 470 kcals/day, then you'll lose a lb a week. Exercising and eating healthy food will ensure that you lose fat, not muscle.

Do all this and you'll be thin and fairly strong. This will make your penis look larger. You can also make it look larger by shaving off your pubic hair. It makes for better contact and girls like the clean look. She'll be turned on by your improved body. She'll be turned on because your paying attention to her and trying to please her. The more turned on she is, the more blood with rush to her vagina, the darker her lips will get, the more sensation she'll have, and the more she'll enjoy sex.

I know this is a lot of work, just to compensate for a small build. But you know that a small build is a big problem. So you need to make up for your defect. Work hard and you'll still get good results. And in some ways you'll be superior to the big guys who also have big guts. Remember, the fatter they get, the less hard they'll get. I dated a woman who was married to a guy who had a +7" dick. I'm 5", and she liked me better because I could actually get hard and last. It didn't last, but it was still fun. You can get results too. Remember, its better to compensate than fail.

Good luck.

[searock]

He may have even loosened her up somewhat.

No, that's not really possible: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/all-about-sex/201109/the-rare-truth-about-tight-and-loose-women

After relaxing during sex, vaginal muscle tissue naturally contracts–tightens–again. Intercourse does NOT permanently stretch the vagina. This process, loosening during arousal and tightening afterward, happens no matter how often the woman has sex.

But yes, she may have a naturally larger vagina.

[Wakeup]

One word: "Kegals"

[JBG]

36% of Americans are obese and another 33% are overweight. Yet almost nobody in this country exercises everyday and cooks/eats healthy food. I doubt 5% of the population even knows what the BMR is. So do people have a good sex life?

15 to 20 percent of couples have sex no more than 10 times a year, which experts define as a sexless marriage. — Newsweek
20 to 30 percent of men and 30 to 50 percent of women say they have little or no sex drive. — USA Today
25 percent of all Americans (a third of women and a fifth of men) suffer from a condition known as hypoactive sexual desire (HSD), which is defined as a persistent or recurring deficiency or absence of sexual fantasies or thoughts, or a lack of interest in sex or being sexual. — Psychology Today

Maybe people would have better sex if weren't horribly abusing their bodies with obesity, lack of exercise, and poor nutrition. Yet nobody is willing to even look at this obvious fact. Hence, I post a detailed explanation of how to get into shape and improve your sex life, and everybody ignores it.

[Wakeup]

36% of Americans are obese and another 33% are overweight. Yet almost nobody in this country exercises everyday and cooks/eats healthy food. I doubt 5% of the population even knows what the BMR is. So do people have a good sex life?

15 to 20 percent of couples have sex no more than 10 times a year, which experts define as a sexless marriage. — Newsweek
20 to 30 percent of men and 30 to 50 percent of women say they have little or no sex drive. — USA Today
25 percent of all Americans (a third of women and a fifth of men) suffer from a condition known as hypoactive sexual desire (HSD), which is defined as a persistent or recurring deficiency or absence of sexual fantasies or thoughts, or a lack of interest in sex or being sexual. — Psychology Today

Maybe people would have better sex if weren't horribly abusing their bodies with obesity, lack of exercise, and poor nutrition. Yet nobody is willing to even look at this obvious fact. Hence, I post a detailed explanation of how to get into shape and improve your sex life, and everybody ignores it.

Sorry, did you say something?

[Wakeup]

Why not start a thread if you want the attention to your particular point.

[JBG]

Why not start a thread if you want the attention to your particular point.

That's not a bad idea. But its still a little frustrating to offer people real solutions to problems, and get ignored or drowned out by people offering vague opinions about psychology. Maybe I just don't belong on this forum.