Insecure

[Pilot]

Hi all,

I require some advice on insecurity. I've had my fair share of hurt in the past, my first girlfriend left me for a barman, my 2nd left me for another guy and my 3rd g/f left me for a girl. So basically, this has all built up over time and now I have so many feelings of insecurity.

Where do I start? I've been with my current g/f for a while now, however she lives a considerable distance away so we mainly communicate via msn and the telephone. She is also insecure and really hates me having female friends online - however I do reassure her that they are only friends and I want her and not them. My problem spans out over a fairly wide range. It's hard to explain, but when I was growing up I always had my grandad as my father figure, and he died a month before my 12th birthday. I was very close to him and i've never got over it. Ever since then i've had this massive gap and I really need to fill it. However, whenever i've found a partner that i've become so close to, they have left me, and I consistantly worry that this will happen again.

The reason why I feel this is a big problem is because my g/f is into clubbing, she only goes on a saturday night, however i'm not into that sort of thing so I never go. She gets alot of male attention because of her 'assets' and I worry so much that she will find someone new and better. I really don't want to lose her. We've known eachother 4yrs and have wanted to be together ever since we first met, however we only got together just recently. I do trust her, but I just keep thinking back to everything that every other girl has done to me in the past and I really wish the past wouldn't get in the way of the present. I feel very close to my g/f, but I worry that it will be a repeat story of everyother g/f i've been close to and that I will lose her. I really couldn't bare for that to happen. I stupidly worry too, if she doesn't put 'I love you' at the end of a text and I start to wonder if maybe shes slowly losing interest, but I know it's all my insecurity and therefore all my fault.

I just need to know, how do you overcome the problem of insecurity? This gets me so down and sometimes I feel so bad that I don't even want to fly (i'm a trainee pilot)

Thanks in advance

[jay12]

Man, i can understand you completely. Thing is i dont know how to make yourself feel more secure.
I dont know if there is a way.
Be careful not to drive her away with your insecurities, ive found ive done that recently and it sucks.
Maybe in time with her you will come to feel more secure.

[Pilot]

Hey Jay12,

Sorry to hear you've had similar problems to me regarding to insecurity.

I wish my story was as simple as it sounds. My g/f is equally as insecure as I am. Every night, when shes about to go offline , she says 'Have fun chatting to your fancy women' and I always reassure her that shes the only girl I want. Shes even told me she absolutely hates me having female friends online.

However, as I said, I am also insecure. A good example was yesterday, I had sent her a text and she replied saying that she was ok...etc but will talk to me later because she wanted to save credit, however, she spent all day texting her friend Gary, who's 10yrs older than her (Gary is 29) and last night he was out and she stayed home and decided to go clubbing tonight, but Gary text her saying he missed her and that there wasnt anyone there as beautiful as she is. This really worried me alot as she texts him more than she texts me and always goes out clubbing with him every weekend. She said she doesn't want him, but I don't know. I would like to trust her, but I don't know if I should? I suppose this is a clear depiction of the way my insecurity works.

I'd really like to try and get over my insecurity, but how?

[jay12]

This sounds like a mirror image of my last relationship.
We were together for 6 months, my longest relationship yet, where as shed been with lots of different men for much longer and had been cheated on etc.
She would make me feel insecure, perhaps by doing things that were not unreasonable, but i think i need more from someone. When we would go out she would show me no affection, she would insist i brought my friends so we could effectively have seperate nights out. She had lots of male friends which shed often receive texts from, like the ones you mentioned.
I do like clubbing, but similar to your situation she would go out 4 or 5 times a week, where as i can only really manage once.
The thing is when i had a girl text me (and i dont have nearly as many female friends as she has male ones) she would be convinced that i was cheating on her. I went out without her just with my friends this time and so did she, and she was so convinced i was with a girl when she phoned me she finished with me. We got back together that night anyway, but this shows her insecurity.
Like you, we lived around 50 miles from each other. Well i went to college in the town she was from and she went around 50 miles away. Despite this being her home town she hardly ever came to visit me - always me doing the travelling. Anway easter break came and i decided to stay here (instead of goin back to my home town), on my own as my friends had gone home, just to see her. Needless to say, she felt the need to go out virtually every night, often with male friends, we ended up splitting up then as she said she didnt want a boyfriend. And i was acting jealous and insecure, but i was not happy with that situation.
Thats my story anyway...
All i can offer in the way of advice is that i wish i had spoken to her and told her how i felt earlier on. If i had said that if she gets insecure she has to understand that im going to if she acts like that, and i needed more from her if we were to stay together, after all relationships do hold responsibility. Maybe we would have split up earlier if she was not prepared to give me that, maybe it would have worked out well. But i wish id made her understand that i was the same just as likely to get insecure as she was, and she had to make me feel more secure in the relationship.
But for me easter break was a very miserable time.
I hope this helps, she has the power to make you feel more secure and you will feel more secure over time; after that relationship i believe that you need someone who makes you feel secure, i was constantly worryin that she was slowly losing interest.
how long have you been together???

[Pilot]

Gosh, thats hard going. I'm very sorry to hear the way things turned out. So your g/f is a regular clubber then? Mine only goes on saturdays normally, but as its a bank holiday she wanted to go today instead because it will be busier. Theres something I dont understand though - last week when she went out I didn't text her (I didnt want her to think I would pester her all night) and when I woke up the following morning, I had a text that arrived at 4:15am, saying 'I didnt get a text from you tonight, guess you were busy with your fancy women' so I explained to her what I did. However, I text her tonight to see if she was okay...etc and so far she has yet to reply (I text her 3hrs ago) it's kinda like im damned if I do, and damned if I dont.

So do you actually suggest that I talk to my g/f about this situation? The fact that I require abit more reassurance before I can settle down abit more? I'm just so worried that if she hurt me, i'd be so crushed. We've been together for 2 months, but known eachother for 4yrs, and she told me that shes always wanted to be with me ever since we first met.

You're right, I do worry that shes losing interest, especially what with me being insecure (but as I said, shes equally as insecure) I just want to try and take a step back, prevent myself from getting too attached and to just think about how I can prevent myself from being insecure.

Thank you for your advice and sharing your experience.

[Only-virgins]

To be insecure mean to be un-sure about something...what are you unsure about?

[Pilot]

This might seem abit extreme but I am unsure if women are trustworthy on a relationship basis. Every g/f i've had has left me when out at a night club (hence why I hate them so much) and i've noticed that whenever a g/f mentioned a guys name, shortly after they've usually left me for them.

Now, I have been told I can't tar all girls with the same brush, but how can you not when girl after girl does the same thing?

[Steve2004]

This might seem abit extreme but I am unsure if women are trustworthy on a relationship basis. Every g/f i've had has left me when out at a night club (hence why I hate them so much) and i've noticed that whenever a g/f mentioned a guys name, shortly after they've usually left me for them.

Now, I have been told I can't tar all girls with the same brush, but how can you not when girl after girl does the same thing?

well first of all..if you're already going into generalities after three girls...you should probably consider going gay..since that's like .000000000000000000001% of the entire female population.

[jay12]

Im always reluctant to give advice in case it doesnt work out.
But i wish i had spoken to my ex about it. You run the risk of seeming inseucre which is always a put off to women, but try and make her understand that if she expects you to do things to make her feel better then surely shes got to make you feel better as well.
I hope you can get through to her and it all works out.
I know what you mean about not trusting women in general as well though man!! I think in his day and age, women are just as untrustworthy as men.

[confusedsoul]

Yeah I am with Jay, I think we are equally trustworthy (or untrustworthy).. I know the past experiences make it difficult not being insecure.. but hey, definitely not everyone is the same.. I would still recommend, talk things out for once and all.. cause this constant insecurity sometimes kills relationship.. Does she know all these past experiences of yours ?

[Only-virgins]

This might seem abit extreme but I am unsure if women are trustworthy on a relationship basis. Every g/f i've had has left me when out at a night club (hence why I hate them so much) and i've noticed that whenever a g/f mentioned a guys name, shortly after they've usually left me for them.

Now, I have been told I can't tar all girls with the same brush, but how can you not when girl after girl does the same thing?

If she loves you alot then I do not see why she wouldnt be trust-worthy. When a girl goes with another guy that means she prefers his company...so why waste each others time and stay together anyways?. Maybe your looking in the wrong places? Did you love these girls or just date them?

You run the risk of seeming inseucre which is always a put off to women

Everyone is insecure about something. I do not care who you are..you are insecure about something....your job, life, relationship,...I dont care..its something...I guess its about not showing it.

[jay12]

Thats v.true and something we should remember to remind ourselves were not going crazy!

[Pilot]

Steve2004, is that really your advice? I'm only asking as it's not very helpful and no one can 'just go gay'

Yeah, my gf does know about all my past experiences. I've known her for 4yrs and we've always been pretty close. I think i'll have a talk to her tonight if I hear from her. Atleast try and put an end to this once and for all. It will then make me feel better to know where I stand, right?

Thank you for the helpful advice given.

[kaotic02]

Yea, im in a long distance relationship and fear she is losing interest and also that one day she will find another better guy. But it's truely is about trust. Last summer she left me for a couple weeks, then messed around with another guy one night, then later got back with me a week or 2 later. I took her back because I loved her so much. I was desperate I guess, and tried to convince myself it was ok. She begged me back. Although I've done something like that once I would never do it again.

I think your insecurities go deep like... you think you are gonna be alone for the rest of your life ? or maybe you've become attached so that you can't imagine being without her. These are the same fears i feel. I just try not to think about it, cause thinking about it will do nothing but make it worse as you and everyone else already knows. I know its hard to just say "well do other shit to keep those things off your mind". But that truely is the only way to feel better about it.


I've been complaining to my girl alot these past weeks that it feels like she doesnt leave me, and have been questioning her repeatedly on how she feels for me. She tell's me it drives her insane cause I really have nothing to worry about. She reassures me over and over but I somehow find a way to worry, bcause of some stuff that pops into my head. Just one little detail could have me leading on trail of negatives thought and want to break up with her(I could find a reason to think she's losing interest in me if she spelled my name wrong while we were doing online messaging). I've noticed it's become a pattern of constant worry. But the truth is their is no real worry. I'm making myself worry for no reason and so are you. Their are no signs or anything thats made you think she was going to leave you right? Just try to reassure yourself with a positive thought about her the next time you think she might be dancing with some guy or not thinking about you (If you think oh she hasnt called me cause she doesnt love me, just think of a moment you guys were together and it should help atleast somewhat). I hope we are on the same level of understanding here.

[jay12]

Just like to say that i really wish id had found this forum BEFORE i got dumped!! I think it would have helped!