What now, what's next?

[TruelyMadly]

Hello boys and girls, I'm gonna sum down the story for you to help me out with tips and such so I can find a solution.

It's like this, I've had problems with drugs for almost 10 years (mostly weed).. This was my way to escape reality and push my feelings, bagage, emotional thoughts away from me to not feel depressed or sometimes not feel anything at all... Kinda numb state!

At this point I was going on and off if I should stop smoking and such to grab my life back and take controll... That's when she came, straight out of nowhere with open arms..

We had been together 5 years and back then I was in the same state I've been now, but younger and much more immature. But she fell for me again!

Anyways, she told me she loved me kinda right away, and after 2½ weeks of dating she moved into my apartment. This was fatal attraction nothing else could make us feel better.

Before this she had been in a 5 year relationship with a guy who diden't treat her right at all and she had wanted to break up for quite some time... She had to leave all her stuff for him to take over just to get rid of him...I helped her with this and she finally left him to be with me. Everything was great and I was full of life and love.


During the time spent together, she was trying to break my wall to connect with my deepest emotions and inner levels. Sad but true, I've been hurt by another girl a long time ago and had a hard time trusting girls in general..



Now 6 mounths later, she finally broke my wall, after having me acting jelous, insecure, rude and all thoose things... She got me to stop smoking pot and made me reconnect with my feelings in the deepest way that I haven't felt for over 10 years.

But somewhere along the way, she lost herself and the attraction / sparks she had for me...We never brought this up during the time spent and I diden't realise anything of this since she wasen't telling me and I was constantly in my bubble.. Puttin her on 2nd place, struggling for smoke hole day and such.. So since 5-6 weeks ( during the time I got clean) She started hanging out with friends more then haging out with me, went out 14:00 came home 04:00 in the night, etc etc... As time passed I got more and more depressed.

Was home crying wondering where she was, stayed up confused wondering when she was gonna come home. Got jelous on her for not inviting me into her company or when she was with other guys (old friends). I even promised I would let her take her time to heal and think about what was wrong to get back to love life we we're living, but kept bringing the problem up after 2-3 days period cuz I was feeling so depressed and got no response on my love.

Finally I got to a boiling point one night where I said I've had enough. I can't take this anymore.. I wan't response on my love and I don't wanna feel depressed knowing she doesn't wanna spend time with me...
Doing so, I suggested we took a break. Moving apart and take time to heal etc etc...

In her eyes, this was the same thing as breaking up and I felt that there was nothing left to do so I agreed...For the greater good we said...

Week later, haden't talked at all, I contacted her and it was all good...She told me she loved me and missed me but diden't want us to talk like that now that we've broken up and that we gota accept and move on... 2 days after the schock came, I realised she wasen't mine anymore and that I actually had to accept this fact which made me a nerve wreck.

Started texting her, calling her.. All thoose misstakes you should not do when the break up is done... Now its been 1½ weeks since we broke up, but I've been depressed for alost 6-7 weeks ever since it all started and she
took distance etc..

This made me read alot online about relationships and different of psycological theories on how the womens mind work and how I've proberly hurt her emotions etc.. Made me realise that I have to accept the fact that we broke up and the old relationship is more or less dead by now.. Tho I've wanted to meet her to talk with her.. She's been kinda "busy" but today I finally got to meet with her again and I was playing it all cool, calm and collected.

Diden't talk about anything that had to do with the past or whos shes meeting or anything in thoose terms at all. I kept it all in the light, and made her relive old memories and was fun and spontainious about everything. Got her to smile several times and she was laughing and we we're having a good time in general...

Now what I wonder is, what should I do next? Is she seeing me as a friend and a friend only, or is she spending time with me to feed of my emotions to heal herself or what is going on?

Shud I be to one to initiate contact with her or shud I try the "no contact" rule to see if she contacts me or what should I do?

I'm very confused and I really want her back and start all fresh again!

Please help me out here....


Regards / TM from Sweden!

[ttylox]

no contact. clean break.