Never his priority

[rclaire1]

I've been with this guy for almost 2 years, we have a great bond and on the whole a mature and loving relationship.
However there have been things (mostly small things) that he's said or done over time that have really hurt me, and recently when he did something I tried to talk about it and just ended up crying which was a complete overreaction - it was honestly so embarrassing. But I think it was just all these things building up and I didn't know how to make my feelings clear to him without sounding like an idiot.
Basically we met at University, and now in our final year we are moved into different houses. Me with a couple of course-mates and him with other course-mates and his best friend who he's known for a long long time. I have always been praised at how laid back I am about everything in the relationship. I think it is important for him to have the freedom to spend time with his friends and I rarely get angry over him spending more time with them. His best friend is a very nice guy too, the only thing that is a tad annoying is that they are literally inseparable!
A year ago (I realise this is a long time ago but girls remember these things!) we were all at a party and one of our course-mates asked my boyfriend 'if dan (his best friend) was to get hit by a truck, and claire (me) was about to get hit by a truck, and you could only save one... Who would it be?'. This was a stupid pre-school sort of question and I was laughing at it when it was asked. But when my boyfriend was pressed to answer he said far too quickly that he would save Dan, and they both gave a nod to eachother and continued drinking their beers. I was RIGHT there. The least he could of done was say he could never make that decision or something along those lines. I know it's silly to get upset about but I just felt he crossed the line, and made it unnecessarily clear that I would never be as important as his friend. Nice sentiment I suppose - friends are important... But am I wrong to feel so upset over this?. I never actually approached him about this properly, but to this day it still stings.
After a year and a half had gone by my boyfriend came up to me with his friend and said 'Hey, after Uni would you want to move in with us?' he went on to say how cool it would be, the three of us and that the rent would be cheaper with a couple in one room (charming!). I said it sounded like a great idea but we'd have to see how things panned out - it would be stupid to make a rash decision. Then as time went on I realised how important it was for him to have cheaper rent, and how having me living in the same room as him would solve this. Again, not exactly selling his love to me...
And this is the most silliest thing of all that I got upset about. Basically last week there was a film that I really wanted to go and see, and he said he'd go see it with me as he wanted to as well. To cut a long story short, when trying to arrange a time when we were both free I'd suggested a saturday and he said no as it was too expensive. Only for me on saturday afternoon to see his facebook status saying how amazing the film was... When I saw him later that day I said 'I see you saw the film then' and was just like 'yeah it was awesome!' totally happy about it. I found out he'd gone to see it with his best mate (on the day that he told me it was too expensive to go). I blew up then, everything kind of came back to me and I just overreacted. He did apologise but he said that he honestly didn't think I would be upset about it, in fact he thought I'd be happy he got to see it. When I tried to explain why it upset me he said 'I think it's a boy/girl thing... I honestly don't get why you're angry'. I then ended up crying - the fact that he didn't even understand how what he did was hurtful made it a lot worse.
The whole conversation blew up into a big deal, and it really shouldn't have been.
It was the first time I felt like a psychotic girlfriend. I most definately DO NOT want him to stop hanging out with his friend or even stop prioritising him - which is what he thought I was getting at. I just need him to stop rubbing how much more important his friend is than me right in my face. It's the first time I've begun to question our relationship, so I really feel like I need to talk everything over with him in a way he will understand (being a male!). The way I've been trying to explain things recently haven't worked - I'm not the usual sort of girl who enjoys or is good at talking about 'feelings' so could do with some advice?
Also feel free to tell me if I am in fact reading too much into things, or if I need to chill out about everything altogether!

x

[DangerBarbie]

I dont think your overreacting at all. I would be up set if a guy i was with went to the cinema, its like you say your just not his priority. Even if he wanted to go with friend she didnt need to put it on facebook where you would no doubt see it. Plus did it have to be the same movie at the same time that you had plans? Seems a bit planned to me.
Do you hang out with your friends much? A good way to shift priority is to make him lowr in yours. Spend more time with your friends and ignore him if you already have plans made. Hel see that he isnt the only thing you have going on and will start craving your attention more
x

[Wakeup]

Listen: This will seem so effing trivial to you when/if you guys stay together long enough to learn how to properly communicate with one another. Your dude is clueless when it comes to what would and wouldn't hurt you and I think it's because you're so afraid of looking like a shrew-girlfriend who is jealous of her guys best friend that you hold in things that bother you.

When Mr. Wakeup and I were your age, I wanted to go see a Neil Young concert but he didn't like Neil Young and wouldn't agree to go with me. I called him the Saturday afternoon of the concert only to hear from his mother that he had gone to the Neil Young concert with his best friend "Mark." (seems Mark had two tickets given to him and invited the Mr. along) Needless to say i was hurt and feeling undervalued. The next day we had a very similar convo that you and your bf had only I didn't blow up. I simply told him, calmly and matter of factly about how I felt when I learned he'd gone. Then I shut up and didn't say a word until he finished "justifying" the unjustyfiable and then I told him that I'd not put up with being devalued as a habit and that if it kept up, he could go everywhere with "Mark" because he not have me to go anywhere with. End of.

Confidence and self-worth along with a good personal boundary list that you won't let anyone cross and you certainly won't cross yourself help you to not be afraid to expect respect from anyone.. not just your bf.

You let things ride and then you blow up. Stop doing that and learn to be calm in your discussions. Once you've mastered that ability, you'll not find half he does as bad as you think they are. He takes you for granted because he has zero idea that you would ever leave him.

You teach people how to treat you. Stop teaching him that you'll be okay no matter how much he disrespects you.

P.S. Quit worrying about the "who you'd save" hypothetical. It's not worth the negative energy that you harbour over it. You're almost looking to feel like a victim if you let that get to you.

[Wakeup]

P.S. if you're "never his priority." Then I have to ask you why you would even want to stay with him? Let his bffl be his everything. There's plenty of men out there that would likely be glad to make you their priority.

[smackie9]

He's treating you more like a friend rather than a GF. It's obvious you both are not 0n the same page when it comes to relationship expectations. If you want to be treated like someone's GF, then go find him, because you are not going to get it from him.

[smackie9]

P.S. if you're "never his priority." Then I have to ask you why you would even want to stay with him? Let his bffl be his everything. There's plenty of men out there that would likely be glad to make you their priority.

[IndiReloaded]

What's that saying about 'options and priorities', again? That.