Advice giver needs advice: infidelity imminent

[Phil Davies]

Is it just me, or is this thee best thread title ever. Advice giver, lol. What a cunt.

What are you supposed to be, the resident bag of dicks troll?

[iamaninnocentma]

What are you supposed to be, the resident bag of dicks troll?

Yeah i was until LovesReject came on the scene. I cant compete with that level of idiocy.

Listen, Phil Davies, I was giving you a compliment on your thread title. Dont get pissy with me. I know karate, and i know where america is. You do the math.

[Love'sReject]

Yeah i was until LovesReject came on the scene. I cant compete with that level of idiocy.

Whatever, brah. You don't know my life!

[IndiReloaded]

Phil - Your posts give me the impression you are looking for a reason to stay, not to go.

So, again, I think you should go with Will Harley's (look him up) 'radical honesty' with your wife. Be kind, but firm. If you think she needs counselling to improve, make it a condition. If she thinks you could use some sensitivity training (just a guess, sounds like you've slipped into some bad habits over the years), then do so.

I'm not sure I agree with Haxan that divorce will make your ex happier. I definitely don't agree with his dismissal of your child. In fact, it could make things much worse, I'm thinking of your daughter in particular. The side dish is an emotional band-aid, you know this. Set a time limit. Say a year, to see measurable improvement (make sure you know what this looks like) and do your damnest to make things work. If you can't, then call it quits with dignity knowing you did everything you could. Good luck.

[Boisdevie]

Sounds like you've tried hard to save the marriage and it's not worked. So the next step is to work out how to do a divorce that hurts everyone as little as possible. Presumably your wife knows you're not happy so the idea should not come as a surprise.
Divorce is not the end of the world and it doesnt mean you're a failure. It happens. I was divorced when my two daughters were 12 and 6. Yes, it's had an effect on them of course but 11 years on and they're both well rounded adults and my ex wife and I do everything to make sure is OK for them - no battleground over who gets to see the kids.
Good luck.

[haxan]

He's attempted things while she has been in a state of depression.

How would you possibly know that she's in a state of depression. SHE told her husband she is not. Putting words into people's mouths is a dangerous thing. Wakeup, there comes a time when you HAVE to give advice besides therapy and psychiatric diagnosis.

From everything that HE stated, she is disinterested in him, but appears to have no problem staying married. He's out with the guys seeking attention from other women, he wants more.

Time to tell the truth, be honest and let the chips fall where they may. Kids adjust to divorce.

Wait a year Indi? For what? He's already getting involved with other women. Explain that to me, so that it makes sense.

[Wakeup]

Oh for goodness sakes.. I don't make this stuff up ya know:
He stated it himself ...

She just started seeing a therapist for depression but she's denied it for years.

From everything that HE stated, she is disinterested in him, but appears to have no problem staying married. He's out with the guys seeking attention from other women, he wants more.

Yea I can read.

Time to tell the truth, be honest and let the chips fall where they may. Kids adjust to divorce.

Yes and middle aged people who have been trying to get a depressed person to be undepressed rarely succeed. She's in therapy now for her depression. I'm just saying leave things be until she has a chance to recover and then see what happens.

Wait a year Indi? For what? He's already getting involved with other women. Explain that to me, so that it makes sense.

I'm not answering for Indi but my guess is: Because she's been depressed... he's being stupid. Wait until she's recovered and he's less pussy struck/middle aged angst

[haxan]

1. This whole depression thing just surfaced, she flat out denies she's depressed. Its not like she's suicidal or anything she's always been passive its just that the antisocial thing has really ramped up. She is convinced nothing is wrong at all.

To be honest, from reading his diatribe, he's prodded her into the therapies. She's doing her part, but I tend to believe the fact that what she's saying is what the truth is, she's not depressed, there's nothing wrong. Yes, I'm not a believer in therapy, it can do more damage than repair.

This thread is one side of the entire story. If she was talked to one on one, you'd see the other 180 degrees.

His version is an easy fix. He's exhausted every avenue to save his marriage. She's completely disinterested and unreceptive. He's emotionally and physically ready to move on. Answer = divorce. Do the best to have a great relationship with your ex and child.

[Wakeup]

1. This whole depression thing just surfaced, she flat out denies she's depressed. Its not like she's suicidal or anything she's always been passive its just that the antisocial thing has really ramped up.She is convinced nothing is wrong at all.

Begs the question then why is she in therapy for depression? O.o

You make it sound like I'm out banging hookers while she's laying in a bathtub with her wrists cut.

Get a grip. I'm basing my answers on your posts. You're out galivating you've admitted it yourself.

And as mentioned, I'm waiting it out to see if therapy has any effect.

That's great. So.. wait it out now and see what happens.

I know it didn't the first time when we went together so I'm not hopeful.

She's going on her own now. You should probably do the same thing to help you curb your wonderlust.

I doubt she'll go beyond a few sessions.

Start worrying more about your own sessions and less about hers. If nothing else... your sessions will help you decide what is best for you which in turn will help you to make any changes your daughter may have to go through as smooth as possible.

2. Having emotional feelings towards another person can't be shut off like a switch, thats a very childish thing to say.

I didn't say that it would be easy. There are steps that you can take to bring yourself to the state of indifference to her though.. talk to your personal therapist about what they are.

This isn't my first time around the block I know how to deal with this, out of sight out of mind and in due time its business as usually without "chippy" in the picture. To be clear, if I was to get divorced I wouldn't jump into another relationship anyway.

That doesn't mean you wouldn't jump into chippy's pants.

3. "Chippy" knows I'm married. She has a boyfriend (only a couple of months).

Great.. you're insecurity, and lack of integrity is equally matched with chippy's. You have something in common.

This wasn't a drunken night at Club Hot Tits where we did shots and made bad decisions this was a rather lengthy and drawn out "just sort of happened" emotional connection that neither of us expected over the course of about 12 hours. Doesn't necessarily make it any better just sayin'.

12 Hours? I'm sorry but I'm laughing here. Don't let 12 hours change three peoples lives in such a dramatic manner. Be free of thoughts of others so that you make a decision based on you being truly fed up... not due to what might be out there for you to dip into.

[haxan]

When I read things like this, it jumps out to me that this person has all of the answers for their other half. That 'he' knows the real truth and what's going on, not her. I'm wondering how much of her personality has retreated even more inward over the years is a result of being with someone overbearing, who 'knows' so much? Just a thought.

To answer your question I believe she cares. She just doesn't show it

She just started seeing a therapist for depression but she's denied it for years.

No offense Phil, from everything you've said about yourself, you're trying to make your marriage work long term. There's some legitimate red flags that jump out to me though, that of course can never be addressed without seeing her and talking to her in a relaxed (non-therapeutic) atmosphere.

Do your best, at least you can look in the mirror and feel good about that.

[Wakeup]

To be honest, from reading his diatribe, he's prodded her into the therapies. She's doing her part, but I tend to believe the fact that what she's saying is what the truth is, she's not depressed, there's nothing wrong. Yes, I'm not a believer in therapy, it can do more damage than repair.

You do know that people who are depressed are often in denial, right? How he describes her indicates that she is depressed and may even have some kind of social anxiety. I wonder if this started after the birth of their daughter and it's never been addressed?

This thread is one side of the entire story. If she was talked to one on one, you'd see the other 180 degrees.

I'd love to see her join this thread. To see how her husband has disconnected from their marriage due to her apathy. It would be interesting to see how she handled this knowledge.

His version is an easy fix. He's exhausted every avenue to save his marriage. She's completely disinterested and unreceptive. He's emotionally and physically ready to move on. Answer = divorce. Do the best to have a great relationship with your ex and child.

Yes, divorce is quite easy these days but it's often no "fix" for the underlying issues that they both seem to have which are causing the reasons for the divorce in the first place. At least he's willing to see what happens with her own therapy before he does anything. That's all most of us who are'nt telling him to throw in the towel are advising him to do.

Good luck, Phil.

[Phil Davies]

Whatever, brah. You don't know my life!

Relax broes, theres enough douchebag to go around.

[bcgirl]

Perhaps this is just a classic case of two different people that are no longer compatible and need to get a divorce. If this has been a long time in the making of unhappiness and no sex, your daughter is probably already damaged by witnessing her parents in a unhappy marriage. Your daughter is only 6 so you need to make up your decision quick and not let her witness this at age 8+. First and foremost is setting a good example for her. If couples therapy isn't working, try other methods. Of absolutely nothing is working u are probably trying to do the impossible and fit a round peg in a square hole (which ironically sounds like what's already happening... And or not happening lol)

[Phil Davies]

Begs the question then why is she in therapy for depression? O.o

Because I've been on her about it for 2 years and she finally agreed to make an appointment. She's not serious about it at all.

She's going on her own now. You should probably do the same thing to help you curb your wonderlust. Start worrying more about your own sessions and less about hers. If nothing else... your sessions will help you decide what is best for you which in turn will help you to make any changes your daughter may have to go through as smooth as possible.

I didn't say that it would be easy. There are steps that you can take to bring yourself to the state of indifference to her though.. talk to your personal therapist about what they are.

That doesn't mean you wouldn't jump into chippy's pants.

Great.. you're insecurity, and lack of integrity is equally matched with chippy's. You have something in common.

You're missing the bigger picture, here. This isn't about me getting laid. I was in triple digits by my 21st birthday, I had sex with a half dozen girls named Dorothy. Think about how hilarious that is. Do you even know one Dorothy? The point is, when I met my wife that was all past me, I had no regrets. I blew lines of coke of strippers asses before it was a known novelty. I had a threesome with two virgins. I'm no Brad Pitt but for a regular dude I cleaned up. This is important because I've had friends stray to fill a "what am I missing out on" void and that void never existed with me.

NOTE: I did crazy shit in college but thats not me today. I don't do drugs or hang out with strippers so hold the high horse lectures, I have a great career and live inside upper middle class means.

Again, the point is, I'm not out there looking to get laid. To be honest, drinking beers and talking sports with the guys is enough to quench my thirst for social interaction, there just happens to be girls around because they're single so the flirting is happenstance. I'm not out looking for women but I admit I don't exactly turn it away anymore. I should have elaborated ... its not the women that I'm after, its some sort of adult social interaction.

12 Hours? I'm sorry but I'm laughing here. Don't let 12 hours change three peoples lives in such a dramatic manner. Be free of thoughts of others so that you make a decision based on you being truly fed up... not due to what might be out there for you to dip into.

You must have missed when I said this isn't about this girl. Its not about any one girl. Those 12 hours didn't change my life it just happened to be the last and very intriguing 12 hours in a 4-5 year struggle.

You're trying to denigrate this situation into me meeting some "chippy" on a whim and all of a sudden wanting to leave my wife and kid. Its just not that simple.

[iamaninnocentma]

No wonder your wife is depressed. You're an asshole. No-one has pumped 6 Dorothy's, ya lying cunt.